Widowhood is a very dark lonely place

Griffon said:

Being alone

Hi, my wife pasted away six weeks ago from a battle with lung cancer.I can honestly say I feel worse now then ever.I am back at work now which can keep me busy for a while, but going home is terrible.There is no other place I would rather be at  then at home,but without her being there it's a lonely sad place.I call to ever day when I come home hoping to get a response, but no answer yet.I sit in front of her pictures telling her about my day,and what I going to do later.This usually ends up with me crying. The loneliness is very difficult for me to deal with.Not that I need company,it's I just want my wife back.People leave notes on my door asking how I am doing,but I really do not respond,I really do not know why,maybe I just want to be alone in my pain and sadness.I am sorry for your loss and your pain.I hope things will get better for you.But remember you are not alone, their are plenty of us here who are in pain and are your friends.     Bill

Your feeling sound so familiar. I can remember those very dark days. I can remember because I still have them now and then and I am four years out. My dark days don't come as often now and they are not quite as dark. One thing that actually helped me was when a friend at church who has been a widow for many years told me that it takes at least three years to really adjust to the lose of a beloved spouse. It helped because it took some of the pressure off.  I readily admit to people even now that I am still grieving and will always feel that loss. Time has dulled the pain. Each of us must grieve in our own time and way. I still talk to my husband. I had one friend tell me at her husband's funeral that she talked to his pictures, and people would probably think she was crazy if she told them. I told her that we all do that. It's ok. What ever helps is ok. Take care of yourself. Fay

grandmafay said:

Widow
Before anything else, I want to say that I feel your pain. It takes me back to my first year as a widow. I didn't even realize that I was one until I had to check one of those widow boxes where it said marital status. I knew my husband had died. Knew? It was my first thought each morning and my last thought at night. I just hadn't applied the widow word to describe myself. I am not going to tell you that time will heal your hurt. For me, three years into this new life, I can tell you that I am adjusting. My pain is still here, but it has mellowed. I have charged some things. I no longer even try to eat at the table. For some reason that was just torture for me. I changed out our queen bed to a daybed. Our bedroom is small, so it didn't make sense to have a queen when I didn't need one. I am planning my first solo trip in 45 years. I need to do this for me. I love to travel and have taken several trips since Doug died, but I have done so with family. I'm somewhat terrified, but I'm also determined. I can only imagine your pain at your daughter's wedding. All of those family things remain hard for me. Doug lived longer than anyone expected, surviving a little over 6 years. During that time, we were blessed with our fourth granddaughter. Our sons both received promotions, and we took some trips with family as well as on our own. We also made it to our 42nd anniversary. I am still grieving. I will always grieve for him. Some days are still just plain difficult to live through. That's ok. I now accept those days. I guess that's what they mean by acceptance, not accepting the death but accepting the pain. Knowing that it is a part of our lives now. I am who I am today because of our shared life and his death. He faced his death with faith, love, and courage. My job now is to live as well as he died. Prayers and hugs, Fay

Thank you Fay for your posting.  I just lost my husband a month ago and I'm feeling very detached and a bit blank. I'm not sure how I should feel or what I'm supposed to think about.  All I know is that I think about him all the time.  I found a short video clip that I like to listen too just to hear his voice.  Once I think I played it at least 5 times.  I know I told Ric that I would be ok but what did I really know about being a widow when I made that promise.  And I cannot wish him back if he cannot be well and whole.

Fay, your words "he faced his death with faith, love, and courage.  My job now is to live as well as he died".  But I don't know how to do that ... 

Suitearia said:

Thank you

Thank you Fay for your posting.  I just lost my husband a month ago and I'm feeling very detached and a bit blank. I'm not sure how I should feel or what I'm supposed to think about.  All I know is that I think about him all the time.  I found a short video clip that I like to listen too just to hear his voice.  Once I think I played it at least 5 times.  I know I told Ric that I would be ok but what did I really know about being a widow when I made that promise.  And I cannot wish him back if he cannot be well and whole.

Fay, your words "he faced his death with faith, love, and courage.  My job now is to live as well as he died".  But I don't know how to do that ... 

Today, I cannot identify why, is impossible to bear.  My husband died of MDS (cancer of the bone marrow) a bit more than two years ago after 15 years fighting for his life.  I just can't face the loneliness and don't know how to "start over" to "begin again" to "turn the page" and all the other advice that everyone gives me.  How do you, after 36 years together, doing EVERYTHING together, handle, survive, the emptiness and loneliness of each day?   I saw last week, with my daughter, the Brian Wilson/Beach Boys documentary film.  And seeing, hearing and reflecting on the song "G-d only knows what I'd be without you" has thrown me hard.  I just -- right before turning to this page -- viewed three times the youtube of the song, while singing along with them.  OMG  Who could have known in 1966 the poignancy of those lyrics to me in my life now (and to all of you on this page).   I just don't know how to start over.  And I am not sure if I want to start over.  I -- being fully open and honest -- just want to be with Bob.  

When Bob's MDS converted to Leukemia and he had to be hosipalized (not surviving the treatment meant to save him), he pretended one day to be playing the guitar while we listened to a Muddy waters' song. He was so cute, so funny. I video'd him in that moment and play that vidoe of him over and over and over.   I just don't know how to step out of that world-with-Bob into a new one.  He told me that I MUST remarry.  I simply don't know how I'm supposed to be out there in the world jolly, cheery, happy and all that jazz.

3Mana said:

It gets easier, but never goes away
Hi,
So glad your daughters wedding went okay. That had to be such a hard thing to go through for her too.
Today is the 25th which is the day my husband died on. It's over 2 & 1/2 years now, and he died in March, but the 25th of every month is always a hard day for me to get through.
It's not easy having to check the "widow" box on forms, but we are no longer married. I still wear mine & my husbands wedding ring on my right hand and probably always will.
The holidays are going to be hard too. I always had Christmas at our house, but haven't been able too since Tom died. My 3 kids have taken turns having holidays as they know I have a hard time doing it.
I saw a counselor for almost a year & it helped alot. Plus I had to be put on meds, because of the terrible way he died.
Hope you're doing okay & remember we all understand what you're going through, so we're always here for you. "Carole"

I am so glad to have read your post! I could not understand why I am so blue, so sad, so empty today.  Of course! It's the 27th of the month, the date on which Bob's life ended.  It is just two years two months since he died at midnight between the 26th and 27th.  Now I understand why today is so traumatic, why I am so blue.  Thank you for helping me "see".

Suitearia said:

Thank you

Thank you Fay for your posting.  I just lost my husband a month ago and I'm feeling very detached and a bit blank. I'm not sure how I should feel or what I'm supposed to think about.  All I know is that I think about him all the time.  I found a short video clip that I like to listen too just to hear his voice.  Once I think I played it at least 5 times.  I know I told Ric that I would be ok but what did I really know about being a widow when I made that promise.  And I cannot wish him back if he cannot be well and whole.

Fay, your words "he faced his death with faith, love, and courage.  My job now is to live as well as he died".  But I don't know how to do that ... 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can relate to the detached , blank feeling.  I can't find my keys or my glasses and it takes me forever to get ready for work in the morning. My husband passed in May.  I cannot sleep in our room, I have moved to the guest room.  One of our children said they would come and we would clean out his closet; no thank you!  I even washed his clothes that we took to the hospital and folded them and put them away after his death.  I do not want to get rid of anything.  I want to keep his toothbrush and toothpaste right where he left it.  I had a meltdown over toilet paper.  He always did the shopping and purchased items in bulk.  When I went to the garage and there was no more toilet paper I just spazzed.  There has always been another roll of toilet paper for 22 years!  I went without for 2 days and a friend left some on my front porch so I still haven't purchased any.  I could not face the fact that his provisions for me were running out.  This is just one story about how irrational I have become.  I have cobwebs in my house.  It looks like the haunted mansion in Disneyland.  There is stuff stacked everywhere, my kitchen table is cluttered, the bed I sleep in has two or three books in it.  My yard is so bad that the next door neighbor asked me last week if I needd to borrow his mower.  I said no, I have two in my garage.  My house has always been clean, my yard was my pride and joy, my flower beds beautiful.  Not this year.  I just don't care.  I come home from work and sit and do nothing.  I always cooked dinner for the two of us.  The other day I had tater tots and a can of beets for dinner.  How wierd is that?  I find myself ill tempered and rude at times, not my normal self at all.  I have always took pride in my work.  Now when I am at work I can't wait to be home and when I get home I wonder why I was in such a hurry.  I don't want to be here either.  I just don't want to be anywhere.  

That being said, God has shown up in ways so unusual that I can't pass it off as coincidence.  He gives me what I need every day. I am thankful for my friends.  They have been life savers. Sometimes I feel guilty because God provides but it is not what I want.  I just want my husband back.

It helps to read others stories.  Especially the ones where they have survived for a few years.  They give me hope.

I hope that you find some peace and joy in your journey.

ju1ia said:

Widowhood is a very dark lonely place

Hi,

  My husband had liver cancer and in other places we didn't know he had cancer until 2 weeks before he died.

It has been two months and i am having a hard time I am so sory for your loss and I can't even Imagine what you were feeling when you walked your daughter down the aisle.

My husband & I married when I ws 15 and he was 18 was married 33 years  Thanks for posting it helps to see how other people are coping.

 I hate that word but that's what I am.at the age of 54.my husband died from pancreatic cancer.it wad a painful death I saw him die in my arms that's the hardest thing I've ever grad to live through. But losing him not having him hear calling my  name Or me taking care of him. It's driving me crazy not doing for him. He was given months to live and lasted 11 months..I took care of him lovingly carefully, and would do.it again if need be.I just need some advice on how to cope how to adjust I fell I shouldn't be here .he was a good man 29 years together. And to top everything I was also diagnosed with breast cancer.went do.I get to bee here and not him ..someone answer that. Please help

CliffDweller said:

I talk to my husband too

Suitearia, your story sounds like mine--11 years w/prostate cancer in my husband's case--Provenge, Xofigo, and an array of others.  He died mid-treatment 21 months ago as prostate cancer ravaged his body.  I have become a great actress during the day but nightly still cry, talk to him/thin air, and kiss his photo.  Most nights sleep doesn't happen until 1-3 am--and that's with the help of Ambien + Unisom.  My husband died at home--memories are everywhere here.  The nightly ritual is viewing photos/videos and listening to saved voice messages--taking me back to when he was himself and still healthy--a comfort.  Private grief counseling is helping--a place where I don't need to act.  Just thought you'd like to know that you are not alone. 

I talk to my husband about everything. The news sports kids bills.how can't I we did it all together for 29 yrs. Everything in my home is him.from the moment u walk in .I too have had a rough time sleeping.I t too kiss his photo listen to his videos but stopped cause it's just to hard. My grand daughther looks just like him in many ways and when I look at her its so hard. All of my grand miss him dearly. My baby daughter  was with us through every chemo surgery radiation doctors appt with us I know it's even header for her. But she strong for me not me for her. I'm so glad that bi have a group of people that understand what I'm going through. May God bless us all. We need all the support we can get. 

i have been widowed for 3 1/2 years and am handling it for the most part.  i do have many moments of deep loneliness and sadness but work hard at keeping a smile on my face and being active.  However, I can't seem to attend a church service without getting emotional.  I just don't understand why.  I go to the same church that I went to with my husband but have switched to a later morning service.  Of course, I sit alone and when I feel the emotions building I slip out early.  Is anyone experiencing this and do you have suggestions to overcome this?  My son says maybe I should just quit attending church, but I feel guilty doing that since it is my faith that has seen me through the last 3 1/2 years.

For many of us, it is a safe place where expressing our emotions is not only okay but welcome.  

My husband has been unwell for about six years. I don't think anyone is surprised when I tear up. I am exhausted, worried and anxious.

Is there a widow's support group near you?

My husband of 23 years passed away at the end of July.  He had fought prostrate cancer since 2004.  Last year in June he bacame ill and we found ourselves between hospital and rehab for 2 months.  I watched as his health declined not knowing how to best help him.  The whole time his only thought when he was lucid is would I be okay.  Finally I was told nothing else could be done for him and he was placed in hospice.  We were referred to a very caring and beautiful facility.  I remember during intake the nurse asked me who did I want to pick up his body.  I lost it and could not respond.  I guess in my mind I was praying for healing and never thought about the fact this was it until he transition.  He passed away 8 days later.  He was having a hard time breathing and we had experieced 2 extremely hard sleepless nights.  I remember a friend telling me he was hanging on for me and needed me to tell him it was okay to transition.  I leaned down and told him I would be okay.  With that he took one breath and was gone.  Thinking back I thank God for allowing me to be with him during his transition.  Although we had only been married for 23 years, we had spent over 39 years with each other.  I know he is no longer suffering and that gives me peace, but the loneliness is killing me.  I went back to work just to have that company during the day, but sometimes the nights are hard.  I pray and ask God to help me and I find day by day things get better.  The hardest was our birthdays, anniversary and the holidays.  I just wish I did not have the check the box widow and the loneliness would go away.