More Frequent Scanxiety

I understand, Todd. I think once you get cancer then all of the things you do are logical.  ptsd is a common thing too.  I guess we just have to take one day at a time and try not to overthink it.  it's funny,  but how often do we say, what if there is a cure tomorrow?  What if there is a cure tomorrow?  Don't worry, your scans will be ok.  change your thought process and move onto something to take your mind off of things.  A cure tomorrow, anything is possible!

Makes me think of Tex's perspective. It is worse when flirting with NED. When one knows of current mets and gets a scan, the unknown is less scarey. The scan kind of confirms our status. My last scan and mri was a bit different because I had been so sick I couldn't expect much change. It was more like, "how much worse can I get?"

Jan4you said:

First of all, Todd, I am

First of all, Todd, I am sorry you are going through this anxiety. So I ask, what purpose does anxiety offer us?

Maybe, for some of us, it is because we want to have a PLAN, a goal so we have some certainty.

That security is such an important part of being human, right?

SO.. not having control can wreck havoc on our mind and bodily systems.

Don't we need that ENERGY and SPIRIT for living anew?

Odd how crappy things can force us to think differently or take another road on our path.

For me, whenever anxiety gets in the way of my peace, I say over and over again, the Serenity prayer.

Now if one doesn't believe in GOD/PRAYER think of G.O.D as good orderly direction is just an alternative.

 

(God) Grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change

the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.

 

Yes of course we want to be PREPARED, so we can have a concrete plan right?

Maybe try breaking it down into smaller steps, not only a day at a time, rather embrace moments.

For me, I  will  have those 'human moments" of fear, anger, hurt, frustration, but limit it to a FULL 10 minutes

of yelling (into a scream jar) hitting a pillow, doing the silent scream (when at work for example)

then move on to living with a new plan.

I try to focus on what I still HAVE, on my "blessings' are..for all those little things, that nature, love, people

environment offers.

Too preachy? Sorry..but as you know, once your life has been turned upside down, we often DO

appreciate life even more.

 

Hugs to you and yours my dear one~

Jan

I have my 2mth follow-up for my liver lesions tonight at 6:30pm. Yes, 6:30pm on a Saturday. Want to know why I asked for such a bizarre time? I'm "trying" to make this a positive experince. My husband and I are going shopping for my sons 4th birthday beforehand - hitting up the MRI as if its part of our datenight and then going to dinner afterwards. My new intention is to try to keep this bug (that's what I call my RCC) as part our norm. If a shoe is to drop I'm going to reorganize and find a place it can fit in. Its not easy, but I was letting it consume my life. I'm still considered stage 1, but these liver lesions need to be watched because they do not show a clear pattern of anything. I don't know exactly what to say because I can only imagine your thoughts being Stage 4, but what I do know is that beautiful word NED. Try to swim the that and focus on what makes you happy. I wish I had something to say that would make your anxiety melt away. Hoping another clear scan for you.

Scanxiety, anxiety, worry, its all so exhausting!  Cancer steals the illusion of security.  No one knows what lies ahead.  Sometimes I think not knowing is better-more peaceful.  Once cancer is introduced that illusion is gone.  It is only human to worry when we have no control.  We have a friend whose two year old daughter has cancer.  No longer can they tolerate in the same way the mundane complaints of parents who haven't walked that walk, their illusion is gone. Their senses are heightened, not something they'd choose.

The serenity prayer has helped me greatly! 

I get what Footstomper means about not being ready for a cure--would be so joyful I think cancer patients can't imagine that relief and letting down their guard so much.

God Bless One  and All

Arleen

Todd:

it seems like this cancer follow-up has a variety of protocols; my husband's oncologist didnt change the schedule which had been moved to ct scans every 4-5 months.

despite the additional mets to his spine which were treated with cyberknife, the follow-ups will be full body MRIs and CT scans to the chest. The oncologist sees this cancer as unpredictable but with spectrums. Although the cancer could go to other organs, his experience views it as remaining in the bones. Because it is unpredictable, the ct scans will continue but the bones will receive more intense follow-up.

he also explained that although the cancer can and does recur, the first two-three years are the most likely time-frame.

you are stage 4 because of the adrenal gland, right? Would the proximity of it to the kidney not mitigate the likelihood of more mets? My husband 's surgeon routinely removes the adrenal gland when he does the nephrectomy. This would indicate a strong likelihood of it being in the adrenal glands or is that not true? It's hard to believe that a gland would be removed absent that.

it's great that you can safely share thoughts about your death safely here; are your sons being more involved? Ours are very involved with their young families and truth be told, adults lose their parents so maybe this is just normal behavior.

our oldest was most attentive when I had breast cancer (he was a teenager) and our youngest is extremely sensitive and recently told his dad how scared he had been when he was going through the surgeries and hospitalizations.

your scans will be a relief to you; it seems that the adrenal gland greatly affected you.

Sarah

Todd,

The only frame of reference that I have is before my first scan back in Feb/March.  Between my neph and that first scan, I remember having a lot of mental issues with hypochondria... I had this back pain (which is gone now, and was most likely from the downtime after surgery and then returning to work and stuff) that made me afraid for spinal mets.  Every little ache and pain was a "met."  "Do I have mets?"  

I can say that the first scan after that was a huge relief and my doctor's consistent belief in my low odds of recurrence have really put me at ease.  BUT, it doesn't ever really go away.  Above, Footstomper said he was prepared for the worst mentally except a cure... that's a really ironic statement because it's true that cancer just turns you into someone who is constantly thinking about the worst.  It's truly amazing to me how cancer can be the furthest thing from your mind, and then you get it...

And, yes, sometimes you think of lying in a hospital bed, looking up at your loved ones, and apologizing to them that you had to put them through this, that you weren't around for longer.  My wife is pregnant and that has been a double-edged sword.  Mostly it's taking my mind off of the bad stuff while I prepare.  On the other hand, I know that this "passenger" will now be with me forever and I have to find a way to accept that there are things that may be beyond my control.  

There is no way that it will truly ever be "over" for me.  

- Jay 

Jojo61 said:

Todd, it is difficult to

Todd, it is difficult to learn to deal without having scanxiety. Thing is you probably had control over some of your fears by the time you had the cancer show up again. I know it seems that you finally let your guard down just a little bit and then it gives you a reminder again. Trick is to show it who is boss! I always try to remember that it isn't just your physical health that is endangered by cancer, but your mental and emotional health. It can rob the best parts of your life if you let it. You are doing all the right things...have meetings with other cancer survivors, go to a therapist, participate here....but remember that worrying about it won't keep it away - in fact putting that extra stress on your body could weaken your system to have it reappear. Who knows?

Hoping you have great scans. I will be thinking of you. Please keep us posted!

Hugs

Jojo

It has been mentioned here that cancer steals feeling of security. I 'd like to add that not acancer itself does it. these are our minds who play rhis trick. When my hypochondria was at its top, I had no sense of security at all. Zero... I was sure I was doomed and obsessed about it. And I didn't have any physical illness then.

this leads me to believe that everything is in kur minds. We have the power to worry abd obsess, and we have the power to rewire our thinking.

scanxiety is normal and understandable. Constant obsession - not so, and should be fought against. I compare myself with y fiance, who was sick among us 2. He is much more relaxed and confident. It is me whois freaking ourt.

that is why I think we should take care about our mindsets, which can be improved

foroughsh said:

Todd
Since last August that I

Todd

Since last August that I was told about my 10 cm cancerous tumor, my whole life changed, a dramatic Irreversible change. I spent first three months crying, hopeless, frustrated and depressed. I couldn't spend even one or two minutes without thinking about the worst possible future consequences, even at nights. After my first CT with NED report, I could laugh for the very first time after the diagnosis  So became little hopeful  but those terrible thoughts were still in my mind almost all day long, my next CT with NED report did not help me feel better either. So I finally made my decision to talk with a therapist, a great decision I'M PROUD OF.

His first question was very simple, what is a fun thing you do daily? I looked at him and cried, all of the sudden I remembered that I have spent last 7-8 months not doing anything but going to my office and sleeping, I didn't even work, I spent minutes and hours staring at my office's window and cried. So I had nothing to answer him!!! And the worst part was that my mind was too busy thinking negative, to remember how I used to live before the diagnosis. I used to be a very athletic, always laughing, every week camping girl who read, dance, told jokes, did jogging, went to theater and cinemas on a regular basis!!!! BUT in all those months post surgery I hadn't done any of them.

He told me that if we don't decide to spend our energy levels on something positive then our minds decide to spend it on obsession which leads to depression and as long as I am obsessed with this cancer, I can't live my life and seize the moment.

 He suggested me to look for what makes me happy, something which I like doing it without expecting to gain any results from it, It's what "fun" is. It needs to be on a regular basis, daily routine is the best. For example learning a new language or studying at university isn't fun because you expect a result and that expectation brings "stress". So in this case our energy finds its way to get out of our body in a positive way. I did so; I started writing my previous journeys' itinerary with all details I remember to put it on my weblog, so it might be useful for someone else. I also registered in a dance class so I listen to happy energizing music daily and rehearse my dance almost every day. My hubby and I started jogging every evening which makes me tired enough to go sleep without any "What if"s. I read books  on my way to work so I don't have any free time to think about that "C". ,……

 I'm a 37-femal so my interests are different from yours but what can helps us I –I think-  is to find our interests and go for them. I'm still thinking about what has happened to me and what the future might hold but it's much less than earlier. By the way I do something else, "not"  to think or day dream about those "what if" questions, the moment that any bad thought comes to my mind, I say "Stop", even sometimes I say it loudly. It has really helped not to continue having negative thoughts. Now, after almost two months of working on my thoughts and interests I feel brave enough to plan for the next 5-6 months, I've come so far as I was so depressed and not even able to imagine next month or so in the early months after my diagnosis.

Wish you peace of mind and Sorry if my English isn't good

Foroughsh, you can do better. It takes practice but you can program yourself to better thinking. It sets the stage for everything. How are you today? Not bad, you say? That is just wrong. Avoid ALL negative verbal statements. Make it a lifestyle change. Say you are great. Or awesome. You'll see the other person light up with good feelings. That comes right back at you. And Voila! There are 2 happy people. It's amazing how contagious it becomes. Just don't take my word for it. Many here have learned to do it.  Second, if you want to get back to normal, do normal things. Jog, go to the movies or dinner. Doing things you are most familiar with and have enjoyed, will reproduce the enthusiasm that made you enjoy them the first time. Most importantly, remember that every minute you waste worrying is not recoverable. It is gone forever. When you catch yourself depressed or worried, put a spin on it. It is not that your future is shortened, it is that you get opportunities to tell people you love them, investigate options and treatments, or complete projects. Maybe travel, or whatever. Do something productive. We all die sometime. But you aren't dead yet. So live every minute. You are not dieing of cancer. You are living with cancer. Big difference. Let me just add that if I didn't practice what I preach. I'd be dead by now. Especially after this past winter. Not many expected me to live through February.  Instead, I am golfing, playing my guitars, riding my motorcycle, camping, and more. I don't have problems doing things. I have challenges. I'll also admit that when my number comes up, I don't believe that I will be depressed. But I will be pissed. I've got plans and I persue them. Live forward my friend.

Todd.  All I can really say is that you aren't alone, and are quite normal to have these feelings and thoughts.  Everyone here is a unique individual, and has their unique personality.  What's best for one, May not be what's best for you.  I think you are self-aware and very good at expressing yourself.  You also are thinking clearly, and are fully capable of getting help if you think you need it.  

Keep posting.  I, for one, truly appreciate your ability to express yourself, and your willingness to be open and honest and share with others.  Your posts always help me.  

Stage 4 is a tough place to be, but from reading posts here, it almost seems like stage 1 people don't have peace of mind either.   I remember reading a post, a number of years ago, where a very ill Stage 4 patient, said he was glad he lived all those years not knowing he had cancer.  He enjoyed all those years without worry or concern.  He actually found a way to look positively at being initially diagnosed with Mets to lungs, brain, and bones.  An amazing individual.  

annie