Boyfriend just diagnosed with pancreatic stage 3

panmustgo
panmustgo Member Posts: 2
in Caregivers #1

Hi,

I'm twice divorced and thought I had just found a great partner, he's giving, he's strong, and he's fun and good with my kids. And suddenly, the diagnosis. Stage 3 pancreatic cancer, locally invasive, nonresectable right now. And I am not sure how involved to be. At first, through the diagnosis scare I was 100% there for him, but now at times it feels like he "puts me back on the shelf" to address other people's needs. He's a gem, puts other people first. But it's a huge change, to go through all that and then be disregarded. I feel like I just don't know how to react. I'm the girlfriend who is new on the scene (1.5 years) and really his kids and estranged brothers are more important? I should just relax and let him (potentially) die the way he wants? Thing is, I am the one who is here and able to take him to appointments, make sure he eats, etc. And I want to do that. I'd do it for anyone, much less this man I am in love with. So, just chill? He's not even started chemo yet. I am an academic with previously made plans to be a few hours away by plane doing a Fulbright award... oddly enough for studies of philosophy of health. Anyway, just feeling confused and seeking guidance. I know I don't know how all he feels, and even just that, the threat of losing him way too soon, it's breaking a lovely bond we had. Or threatening to?

Warmth and love to all. Namaste.

Comments

  • love4life
    love4life Member Posts: 40
    #2
    Cancer makes you deal with things

    I believe that cancer makes you face issues that you have been letting set on the back burner.  If your boyfriend has children and he is worried about dying he may be trying to make up for lost time if they haven't been close or if they are close maybe he wants to assure them that he loves them and is trying to fight the fight so he can be there for them.  If he has issues with brothers he probably wants to fix them before it's too late.  If he's a giving person I can certainly understand why those things would be important to him.  I'm sure he still cares as deeply for you as he did before the diagnosis but he has to make room for all his loved ones in his life at this time and lucky him if he is able to mend issues between him and others or have the people he cares about most in life want to be there for him at this time.  

  • Hussy
    Hussy Member Posts: 29
    #3
    Sorry you're going through

    Sorry you're going through this.  Now for the tough love:  If you are really in love with this man, you will give him his space right now, difficult as that may be for you.  Of course you should "let him (potentially) die [and just as importantly live] the way he wants!"   A cancer dx is a life changer; there is no going back to the "old life" and it takes awhile to figure out exactly how one is going to move forward.  Since he has yet to begin treatment, I assume his diagnosis was made quite recently.  It's not as though you simply "sort things out" in a couple of weeks after diagnosis or even a couple of months.  The cancer landscape is constantly changing and constant adjustments must be made throughout the journey.  To put it another way, he is now on a permanent emotional roller coaster ride and you will have to decide if you're up to joining him for the ride.  The "lovely bond" you had may or may not survive but if it does, it will definitely be changed.  You seem like you want answers or assurances that just aren't possible right now.  Try to relax and let this play out a little bit.  And remember: this is not about you being "disregarded."  This is about him having to face his own mortality through the lens of a very cruel and relentless disease.               

  • panmustgo
    panmustgo Member Posts: 2
    #4
    Hussy said:

    Sorry you're going through

    Sorry you're going through this.  Now for the tough love:  If you are really in love with this man, you will give him his space right now, difficult as that may be for you.  Of course you should "let him (potentially) die [and just as importantly live] the way he wants!"   A cancer dx is a life changer; there is no going back to the "old life" and it takes awhile to figure out exactly how one is going to move forward.  Since he has yet to begin treatment, I assume his diagnosis was made quite recently.  It's not as though you simply "sort things out" in a couple of weeks after diagnosis or even a couple of months.  The cancer landscape is constantly changing and constant adjustments must be made throughout the journey.  To put it another way, he is now on a permanent emotional roller coaster ride and you will have to decide if you're up to joining him for the ride.  The "lovely bond" you had may or may not survive but if it does, it will definitely be changed.  You seem like you want answers or assurances that just aren't possible right now.  Try to relax and let this play out a little bit.  And remember: this is not about you being "disregarded."  This is about him having to face his own mortality through the lens of a very cruel and relentless disease.               

    Thanks, that is helpful. It's

    Thanks, that is helpful. It's a lot to adjust to, and yes, it's only been two weeks since the first ER visit so a lot has changed really fast. Though it was a very long two weeks for both of us. I am more used to being a wife-type and not sure how that sorts out with all this. The ER and diagnosis part was a least clear, any human would help another through that. It's the larger stuff that gets disorienting. We don't even live together yet. I have my kids, he has his. I haven't met his brothers, we haven't been together all that long. I think we had a great relationship before but of course, things change now. One step at a time then, your guidance is helpful. So if the answer is just relax and go with it, that's an answer.

    It's quite the shock, as I bet you can imagine / recall. A whole new realm of existence, and not one that either of us want to explore at all. Though, yes, I understand, I am not the one who is dying. Or, at least, I know how to type those words, whether I know what it means... that is another thing entirely. Which, I guess, is what brought me to ask you all.

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