I got a little lost

herdizziness
herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1

Sometimes, things happen in life and you don't know how to deal with it.  When news of Craig's death was announced, I was not prepared, not ready, for such a loss, I'm sure none of us were.  But I sank into a bit of depression, like the ostrich of lore, I stuck my head in the sand and refused to bring it back up.I didn't want to think of iCraig's death of the sorrow we all felt at his passing.I wanted to pretend he was still here, just not writing, and I went with that.

He welcomed me here, helped guide me, taught me, and felt my pain when it was at it's worst.  So how do you say goodbye?  I couldn't, yet all you brave people were able to, and that made me a bit of a coward.  Then Mike's death (again unexpected happened), and you wonder about the fairness of life and all the good people we have lost here.  

Today I gave into my sorrow and wept and promised myself I would keep the goodness of all those that have fallen victim to this discease close to my heart, and remember their words of wisdom, their caring, and giving of themselves so that I might be able to help someone myself.

I was selfish and hid myself not offering words of sorrow and condolences, I hope I can be forgiven for that.  And as for this surviving thing, I'm going to try harder

Love and hugs,

Winter Marie

(at some point I'll quit crying today, a lot of pent up sorrow it appears)

 

Comments

  • sflgirl
    sflgirl Member Posts: 220 Member
    #2
    Pay it forward

    Nothing you need to be forgiven for, you have reached out and comforted people on many occasions.  You have welcomed me as a newbie since January.  You are a good person.  And everyone grieves in their own way.  Sounds like you are finding your way now.  

    You are an example of a survivor and fighter. And I love reading your posts.  Glad to see you here today.  Take good care.

    Andrea

     

  • alabama_survivor
    alabama_survivor Member Posts: 85
    #3
    Im from the BC board but I

    Im from the BC board but I lurk over because my brother and sister have colorectal cancer. My cance is 3c and the day before I had my bmx, some close friends asked me how I was doing and I told them I was eIther totally at peace or totally Iin denial.since i'd had 5 months of chemo to think about it I didiscovered I was at peace. Still, there are times I want to kick and yell and scream and holler, then realize that even if I had th energy, I might need it more later. I certainly understand where you're coming from. I'm sure we all do. I was dx june 26, 2014, finished chemo dec 15, 2014, had surgery jan 15, w015, and fished radradiation aApril 9,2015. Ended up witj bad sores that got infected and that has finally cleared up. Btw, I started coming tocheck on craig too. Seemed like quite a character aand a really special person. 

  • Easyflip
    Easyflip Member Posts: 588 Member
    #4
    You are forgiven

    a million times over although I'm not sure what you're sorry for. It is unfair, good people deserving a much better fate are taken from us all the time. Cry away, I wish I could give you a comforting hug. I don't know why, I don't know why I'm still here, but I do know I need to honor those who have gone before me who passed with dignity, courage and the spirit of helping others. I hope to be like them and I hope to see them again someday. You have the same spirit as they do, cry away ,it is sad, but know you're a hero to me.

    Easyflip/Richard

     

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #5
    You have done nothing wrong

    You have done nothing wrong Marie. My feelings about the loss of Criag and Mike are the same as yours. I tried to hide but couldnt. I tried to burry my head in the sand but couldnt. Worst of all I tried to cry but couldnt. I seemed to have cried all the tears out of me years ago. As much as i want to cry for all of the losses and for what my wife and I have been going through. I cant. I seem to have no release from the emotional pain this disease has inflicted on all of  us any more.

    You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. I am just glad to hear from you. I started to worry about you in your short absense from here.

  • Fight for my love
    Fight for my love Member Posts: 1,522 Member
    #6
    We are all emotional in our

    We are all emotional in our own way and we all deal it in our own way. With the loss of great members on the forum and my husband's situation, I feel so draining and disordered. I even couldn't breathe in the middle of night, feeling suffocated. I cried my eye balls out.... Love and hugs to you, Winter Marie.

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #7
    No forgivness required

    Dear Winter Marie,

    We each must deal with our grief in our own way and our own time.

    You are going thru so very much with your own health at this point, that it is no wonder that you needed more time.

    You were not selfish, you were just unable to come to grips with all that has happened recently.

    Taking care of yourself is what Craig would have seen as your first priority. 

    Hugs and love,

    Marie who loves kitties

  • Dyanclark
    Dyanclark Member Posts: 296
    #8
    Marie

    I have to say those two deaths were so hard, both men were so positive.  HORRIBLE.  Cry & feel sorry for yourself, you are putting up a hell of a fight.

    Doctors since the 60's thought the cure for cancer was just around the corner, well it appears not much has changed.  Early detection still best chance.  Still George was just stage two when they found his, now stage 4 with no hope of cure.  If only they could take the Cancer out of your DNA.

    You contribute so much to this board & you have a lot of knowledge that has helped me.  I also took a lot of Mikes advice.   I took George to same Dr at USC Mike went to. The cure is just not out there yet.

    Hugs to you from George & Diane

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
    #9
    Big hugs coming your way, WM.

    I totally understand how you feel.  I am actually in awe of people who can post here while they are in the midst of fighting their own battles, as you have done over the years.  I didn't even sign up for this board until the worst of the battle was over for me...I just didn't have the energy or really the courage needed to participate.

    So you have absolutely nothing to ask forgiveness for.  You've been here for a long time, providing support for others even when things weren't going great.  I've got nothing but admiration for you, and I think that taking a break in the face of great loss is totally natural.

  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
    #10
    annalexandria said:

    Big hugs coming your way, WM.

    I totally understand how you feel.  I am actually in awe of people who can post here while they are in the midst of fighting their own battles, as you have done over the years.  I didn't even sign up for this board until the worst of the battle was over for me...I just didn't have the energy or really the courage needed to participate.

    So you have absolutely nothing to ask forgiveness for.  You've been here for a long time, providing support for others even when things weren't going great.  I've got nothing but admiration for you, and I think that taking a break in the face of great loss is totally natural.

    Never, Never A Coward!

    You are strong and have been here for so many of us, even while you were so ill as to be in the hospital.

    It is so hard when we lose another friend. There have been many times when I just didn't have the right words or what I type somehow seems meaningless. It is not because I don't care. For me, it hits so close to home and I am guilty for that reason.

    Craig and Mke were both good friends to me and they will remain in my heart.

    I am proud to be your friend.

    Luv,

    Wolfen

  • jen2012
    jen2012 Member Posts: 1,607 Member
    #11
    Yes things have not been easy

    Yes things have not been easy around here lately.  When I first joined I couldn't even read the posts when someone died.  Forget about writing.  Even now it is so hard to find the words.  Like wolfen said, the words seem meaningless, hard to know what to say.  Hard to believe how we become so fond of people that in most cases we will never meet.  

    No one could ever think you are a coward. 

     

  • Yolllmbs
    Yolllmbs Member Posts: 360 Member
    #12
    jen2012 said:

    Yes things have not been easy

    Yes things have not been easy around here lately.  When I first joined I couldn't even read the posts when someone died.  Forget about writing.  Even now it is so hard to find the words.  Like wolfen said, the words seem meaningless, hard to know what to say.  Hard to believe how we become so fond of people that in most cases we will never meet.  

    No one could ever think you are a coward. 

     

    Forgiveness is NOT necessary

    Everyone has the "Right" moment and way to feel their own sorrow.  Some days things just hit out of the blue.  You have your hands full!  We are so happy to have you here.  (I'm lucky to have you on the personal side too).  YOU are the champ!

     

    Yolanda

  • ron50
    ron50 Member Posts: 1,723 Member
    #13
    g'day Marie

    I seem to have a lifetime of dealing with loss on this board. It is never easy but ,and it is a big but, there are no rules for dealing with the death of friends. We , all of us, just have to deal with death the best we can. There is no shame or blame with the way that you have deallt with the death of Craig or Mike. You did it the best you could and you know full well that they would both give you a big hug if they could. Well consider yourself well and truly hugged by those of us remaining , we all love you Marie... Ron.

  • UncleBuddy
    UncleBuddy Member Posts: 1,019 Member
    #14
    Aw!

    I'm sorry that it was so difficult for you. I know you were close to both of them. I am sorry for your loss.

    I have to be honest, although I never met either one of them outside of this forum, I really liked them both because they were such caring individuals. They both jumped right in to answer a question or give you feedback. They were 2 strong shoulders to cry on. They will be missed! I will miss them both!

    To be honest, I cried when I saw that they passed. it just hits so close to home. I'm going through a lot right now moving my dad and brother, but I still check in on the boards to see how everyone is doing. 

    Lin

  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    #15
    ron50 said:

    g'day Marie

    I seem to have a lifetime of dealing with loss on this board. It is never easy but ,and it is a big but, there are no rules for dealing with the death of friends. We , all of us, just have to deal with death the best we can. There is no shame or blame with the way that you have deallt with the death of Craig or Mike. You did it the best you could and you know full well that they would both give you a big hug if they could. Well consider yourself well and truly hugged by those of us remaining , we all love you Marie... Ron.

    Ditto Ron

    I second what you are saying, everyone deals with death in their own way and on their own time frame, no one is to judge. I too am still in shock, i was just reading posts and was looking for my friend Craig, but then it hit me again, he is not here any longer, no wait he is and always will be with me and so many others, just not in a physical way, but i miss him just the same.

    To many have passed, to many....

    HUGS
    Beth

  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    #16
    Thank you

    I am so thankful for all of your input, words of wisdom and caring.  It means so much.  It's good to have friends such as you all to lean on in times of heartache, problems or just life in general.  Thank you for being there for me and all the rest of us.

    I am truly grateful for each and everyone of you.

    Winter Marie

     

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