Life after Cancer .. trying to figure it all out

Cancer....   4 years NED and I wonder what the life of a cancer survivor CAN be.  Trying to convince yourself that this is over.  New chapter.  New life.  New way of thinking.....      ??????  ........

i hope someone has some answers.  Or suggestions....  Lorikat from Anal board..

I actually like myself allot better now than I've ever done in my whole life.  If I can survive this, then I see it as a positive experience. 

I had a sad childhood, which left me with allot of negative feelings for myself. Of course, now that I'm old and gray, I see that I was the victim and I am proud of what I have overcome and the person I have become, but it was a long haul getting to this point, and I believe the Cancer experience was the icing on the cake.  

I love life! I do not feel guilty any more, when I take time for myself, as long as I balance that out with service to others and my life with family. Its not that I'm 'all about me', but its nice that I am about me. Through the Cancer journey, I have found out who I am, and that I actually LIKE who I am. Quite a novel idea for me. 

As for others. Allot of folks still look at me with sympathy, and thats fine. If I get a chance to tell them that they don't need to treat me like I'm dying, I will, if not, then I let it go.  

I confess, I don't suffer fools gladly, but I am more forgiving (does that sound like an oxymoron?). Yesterday, at work, we had an excptionally rude patient. Instead of getting all self-righeous about it, I just let it flow over me. 

I would never have wished for Cancer, but I feel I am a better person for having it. 

Sue - Trubrit  

  After sixteen years of survival and part way to seventeen, I have had to totally re-evaluate my life. One problem is age. My mind is set at the age of cancer. I was 48 then but now I am sixty five. But am I?  Not really , cancer has aged me prematurely. I believe that cancer, the treatment of and the ongoing long term side effects have probably robbed me of ten years.  I feel 75 and I have the medical problems of a 75 year old. I should be able to do what a 65 year old can do but I am struggling to do what a 75 year old can do.  Many of my great joys and passions in life are no longer an option to me. In other words I have had to dramatically lower my expectations. The time warp that I am in has separated me from most of the friends and family that I knew. I live alone and rarely see anyone. I can no longer share teir activities including my much loved fishing. My family seem to understand fully that I am not a young active 65 and have almost given me zombie status as one of the living dead. All that I have now is work. I have been doing the same job for over 52 years. I am pretty well over it. The people that know me and my history say that I am doing really well. Well I am not.  I have worked out the answer to my problems and that is to realise that there is no answer. What is the meaning or life ,17 or what ever the the hitchikers guide to the galaxy decided it was. Ron.

Yes I'm happy to be alive 3 years out.  My life has definitely changed, I can't say for the better.  I was nice before cancer planning trips and the future, and not worrying about dying.  I have to say being Stage IV, I always think when....  I hope never, but my mind does not allow that.  Also, all the tests!  Every time I have a CT I think about the results and after that I think of the next CT.  It never ends.  And finally, the expense, the out of pocket expense at the beginning of the year, $2,500 for me, and the co pays, $50 every time I walk in the drs office.  Goodbye vacations!

hippiechicks said:

Thank you all for helping me

Thank you all for helping me to feel not so alone in this.  I find myself wanting to do all those things I never did and wanted, but find there is no one else out there in my world wanting to share that same life. 

I want to make a difference with my remaining time .. although currently NED ... still testing and there are some questions unanswered. Either way, I will deal with that when word comes in. 

I also find those trivial things so less important in life. Wishing I can spread the news to those in my life that I love and that they could understand, but they don't. 

It is a full time job staying ahead of cancer and trying to keep in a healthy place physically and emotionally. 

My children keep me grounded.  I try to teach them something every day about the importance of life and how to live more freely.  They are all young adults and older teen ... so often they don't listen and want to learn on their own.  I remember those days. 

I also feel young in mind but older in body.  But I am ok with that for the most part and try to gain back as much physical strength as often as I can.  I see the world through different eyes as well.  Clearer vision for sure.  Reality of life and what it all means, also living from test to test is an emotional toll but still I look at that as my new job.

I do wish there was more support out there for the survivors, there are so many of us and it just keeps growing with our new medical breakthroughs.

I am much more appreciative of the medical profession for the most part. The angels that walk beside us to guide us through the merky waters so to speak.  I can also see the incredible weaknesses in areas. The gaps in communication. The frustrations that is causes.

The loss of friends has been tough.  The potential loss of my marriage which has taken a huge hit. I hate that cancer takes and takes. But, I to feel it has given some gifts.  Not sure where they are leading me right now ... but gifts I will share when I get there. Figuring it all out is just so hard.

Finding this board has been a wonderful tool, although often too sad.  Checking in on you guys and being part of something that we all understand. I have learned so much and for all of you I am greatful.

What a wonderful thread HippieC.  I am 10 years in the battle and 5 years stage IV NED but I do not have any answers for you.  There is no doubt that cancer changes us enormously.....there is no going back to that naive....."it will never be me". I have just done my 6 month testing and although I worried less in terms of time that I was fussing.....the intensity was no less. For me it is as if all the pain, the horror the fear the sickness from surgery and chemo is just burned into my brain and when I am faced again with a potential reoccurence, it all comes flooding back unconsciously and unbidden. Anxiety rules....

Like you I can live with the physical changes and I believe there are serious limitations placed upon us.  I started at 58 and now I am 68 and sometimes I cannot separate the cancer effects from just plain aging...

I also think people tend to just forget our cancer as we move away from it.....my daughter and husband were deeply involed in care and they seem to  respect the effort it took to stay alive but some acquaintances just brush it off and have no interest in the  changes that cancer has caused. I feel profoundly grateful to the family and friends who were there during the fight. I am so so very sorry that your marriage has suffered.  I always wonder how people here have fought the good fight and had to deal with serious family troubles at the same time.

so blah blah....told you I had no answers I wish you all the very very best and fear not.....you are NOt alone in trying to figure this one out....

best love, mags

Phil64 said:

What an awesome thread.I am

What an awesome thread.

I am 52 years old. I was diagnosed with stage I testicular cancer in November 2011. Omg. I was in SHOCK when I heard the "you have cancer" words from the doctor. Looking back at that I laugh. Stage I testicular cancer. Heck. I could have skipped the radiation treatments as surgery alone was an acceptable treatement for a localized testicular cancer.

Fast forward through the 22 nausiating radiation treatments for the testicular cancer. 

I was later diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in April 2012. Yesterday was the three-year anniversary of that diagnosis.

I've been through hell (it seems). Seven surgeries, 22 radiation treatments, 33 chemotherapy treatments.  And so here I am today. NED since December 5, 2014 (date of my third liver resection). And I managed to work through all of this (of course with time off for surgeries and chemo days).

And I know what you all mean.  I used to say that children age a person. I would meet someone the same age as me (no children) and they always seemed so much younger. I still think kids age a person. Did I mention that I had my first child when I was 20 years old. :-)

But no doubt that cancer also prematurely ages me as well. The worry, the pain, the poisen, the cutting and healing, the uncertainty...  Yes, this MOST DEFINITELY adds up to years!

And cancer steals from us as well. One of the saddest things I had to do was tell my golf partner (whom I played with for over 15 years) that I couldn't play on the league. And I cried when I realized I just couldn't play with my fourteen year old son like I used to. And work seems so much harder... My productivity is certainly not the same as it was a short few years ago...

The other day a nurse thought my wife was my daughter. Yes. this was a HUGE compliment to my beutiful wife. But I am actually two years younger than her!

OLDER for sure, but are we wiser too? I do think that cancer has made me a wiser than I was before. I am now much more in touch with my mortality than I ever was before. I seem to know that my days are numbered, that this life is temporary.  Whereas I didn't seem to have that frame before. And it seems like so many others operate under a false assumption that they will live on this earth forever?

I don't know if I can describe it accurately, but I think that having accepted my mortality as it is has somehow helped me become wiser. I think I see things differently knowing that my time on this earth is ticking away. I prioritize my time more than I did before. I want to enjoy the moment longer. I want to resist the fuss and drama. And I want to do what I can do NOW. Contribute what I can NOW. Share my heart openly. Listen to others with sympathY and respect. Connect with family.

And I want to know the meaning of life! I want to know what this world is about!  

And that is why I thank you for this blog. For it challenges each of us to think about where we are in our battle with cancer. To look for learning and lessons and meaning. And it challenges us to come to grip with the reality of our existence on this earth. And it leads us to Loving our family, friends, children (hopefully). And it challenges us to FIGHT.

Someone once said on this forum - "we fight because that is what we do!"

I don't knw why I like this quote - but it seems to hold some hidden meaning for me. I definitely didn't figure it all out yet. But I watch the heavey-weight fighters on this forum. Thowring and taking the puches. And I hope I can continue to do the same. And I hope I WIN! Whatever winning might be. And I hope I learn more about you and me. And I hope I LOVE as much as I possibly can! Before I go onto another place. And I hope I learn the truth and way!

God Bless!

Love and Light to each of you and ALL OF YOU!

I'll keep thinking and fighting and LOVING.

And I hope you do too.

 

 

It is good to see you here again. Good to know you are NED at this time. And your words are indeed filled with wisdom. 

Thank you! 

Sue - Trubrit

i often find myself walking through life like a robot, the few times I've tried to talk to family or friends about my feelings the first thing I hear is your so lucky, you survived, you beat cancer twice, and on the inside I want to just SCREAM Yeah I survived but for what, to have to live like this? To suffer everyday from what the treatments for this monster have done to my body and mind! But I dont I just end up  agreeing and changing the subject. I probably should be in some type of counseling LOL, I'm six years out, and yes the testing is farther apart not a day goes by I don't think of it, not a day goes by that I'm not angry at it, not a day goes by that I don't ask myself WHY, WHY ME, and WHY did I survive WHY. I've seen some wonderful people with small kids on our board pass away, my kids are all grown, yet I am here and they are not. A very nice man once said to me after a brief conversation about asking why, he just said stop asking yourself that question. For a few minutesI thought about what he said, it just seemed so simple to him and I know he had good intentions, I just wish he was right or that I could just stop asking that question. 

i dont have have any answers that's for damn sure, I have a lot of questions, fears and anger. One said that it will get easier as more time passes, I pray that's true. 

I know I sound like Debbie Downer and I'm sorry, I just feel so horrible.  Funny thing is I bet you can't find one person I know that truly knows how I feel or what I'm going through. That's even more depressing, or maybe I should go into acting LOL I bet I would win an Oscar. 

I feel guilty for feeling this way, when so many are struggling or far worse off than I am. There really should be some study on long term survivorship, living isn't always the easiest path.

sorry for being down, but thanks for letting me talk.

HUGS 

Beth

Thank you all, for sharing how the world looks to you right now.

I used to joke about being 60 years old and not quite sure what I wanted to do when I grew up. Now, four years later and after giving up a year of my life to cancer, I'm ready to do that growing up. Cancer changes us in so many ways, both obvious and not. A common theme seems to be that we just aren't the same people we were before our diagnoses. I definitely feel this way, yet my friends still answer my emails, my wife still kisses me, and my children still won't laugh at my jokes.

Change happened and I didn't have anything to say about it. The self-help culture would have you believe that if you want to change, you have to decide to change, but cancer will make that decision for you. Over time I came to understand something about my cancer journey: my body tried to kill me but then my spirit tried to fill me. At first, I hungered for knowledge. I read about my disease and I read about my treatment. My body had tried to kill me, but my spirit tried to fill me with truth. I struggled with all the "why me?" questions and rebelled at the changes that surgery and chemo demanded of my life. Sllowly, though, I began to give in. My body had tried to kill me but my spirit tried to fill me with acceptance. When all the treatments were finished and I ganed a little weight back, I started getting out more and was spending more time with friends. They treated me like I was the prodigal son returned and I felt great waves of gratitude. My body had tried to kill me but my spirit tried to fill me with love.

It was only after I'd become aware of all the love in my life that I was ready to join in here. More love, more knowledge, and more acceptance came into my life here. It's been quite a trip.

From here? I'm starting to look into possibly doing some part-time work for a cancer-support non-profit group. I know next to nothing about how these groups are organized or even what they do, so I'm beginning by reaching out to talk with people who do know about them. And if that includes anyone ehre on the board, I'd love to chat off line.