Advice on wife's depression, PLEASE READ

I was diagnosed with terminal ovarian cancer more than 7 months ago. I am 44 years old, and have not had surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation.. I am thankful to have a husband that is there to help me and talk through this. He tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful. Maybe your wife needs to hear these things more. Never assume that anyone just knows how you feel. Let her know she is not alone in this. She could also be questioning whether she is going to die too. This could explain her pushing you away like this. I have had strong faith in the Lord through my cancer diagnosis and that is what is getting our family through this! We will pray for you and your family. All you can do is try to be there if she needs anything. If you are a Christian, I would suggest praying for her too. 

Sean, God hears your prayers! I prayed for around 30 different things in a year. All of these prayers were answered through a terminal cancer diagnosis. I see so many blessings in my diagnosis. Not that my husband and I had a bad marriage before, but I prayed that we would be closer. That prayer was answered powerfully through this. We are so much closer than I could ever have imagined. I know that if you continue to pray for your wife God will answer it in His way and perfect timing! I find that it also helps me to pray that I get revelation about what areas in my life and marriage could use some growth and improvement. We should never stop growing and improving for the Lord! One prayer I have prayed in different situations of disagreement between my husband and I was that the Lord helps us to see things the way He wants us to see them instead of the way we see them. I noticed that after praying that, the way I looked at something, changed drastically! My husband and I were suddenly in complete agreement in all of those situations! Don't give up hope that God makes all things possible!

Sean_030306 said:

The reply was her saying that

The reply was her saying that she would always love me, but was no longer in love with me.  She was saying some pretty nasty things.  I walked away after giving her my wedding band. Last year for our Anniversary she had it engraved, "I wanna grow old with you".  I told her she needed it more than me, to read it and think abiut where she wanted to be.

It breaks my heart that she decided to push you away when ahe needs you the most! What I am going through would be much different if I pushed my husband away or if he were not so supportive. Having a strong Christian man by your side helps during the worst of times! Hopefully God will open her spiritual eyes soon so she can see how blessed she is that you are trying so hard to support her through this.

Sean, I find more often through my worst trials, turning to the Lord becomes my only option! At those times, so many people have let me down, because they could not give me what I needed. I was at NIU when the shooting happened on Feb 14, 2008. I was not familiar with the campus and someone came in and said they heard there was a gunman and he was in the building we were in. Thankfully he was not. But many of us sat in a classroom without locks on the doors. There were 2 young men, holding the doors shut. We sat in this room for around 45 minutes before being told we had to leave. That was the scariest and most traumatic experience I ever had (even more so than being diagnosed with terminal cancer). After talking to around 100 of the other students and some teachers, you would think I would have found many people that understood what I went through. There was 1 other student that had a slightly similar experience as mine. I had people at work, less that a week after it happened telling me to, "snap out of it" and "get over it". What I soon realized is that people meant well, but because they did not know how to respond, they ultimately said the wrong things. I eventually became closer to the Lord, because I realied that nothing else was working. From that time, the experience has become much less painful. I will always remember how it felt to think my life could be ending. God was there with me, protecting me! God is with you through this now. Cling to Him, knowing that He wants what is best for both you and your wife! Keep praying and trust that He will take care of this for you. Things do not normally change as quickly as we would like. Keep having hope because, "the best is yet to come"! I will continue praying for you!

yamster34 said:

Sean, I find more often

Sean, I find more often through my worst trials, turning to the Lord becomes my only option! At those times, so many people have let me down, because they could not give me what I needed. I was at NIU when the shooting happened on Feb 14, 2008. I was not familiar with the campus and someone came in and said they heard there was a gunman and he was in the building we were in. Thankfully he was not. But many of us sat in a classroom without locks on the doors. There were 2 young men, holding the doors shut. We sat in this room for around 45 minutes before being told we had to leave. That was the scariest and most traumatic experience I ever had (even more so than being diagnosed with terminal cancer). After talking to around 100 of the other students and some teachers, you would think I would have found many people that understood what I went through. There was 1 other student that had a slightly similar experience as mine. I had people at work, less that a week after it happened telling me to, "snap out of it" and "get over it". What I soon realized is that people meant well, but because they did not know how to respond, they ultimately said the wrong things. I eventually became closer to the Lord, because I realied that nothing else was working. From that time, the experience has become much less painful. I will always remember how it felt to think my life could be ending. God was there with me, protecting me! God is with you through this now. Cling to Him, knowing that He wants what is best for both you and your wife! Keep praying and trust that He will take care of this for you. Things do not normally change as quickly as we would like. Keep having hope because, "the best is yet to come"! I will continue praying for you!

Yamster34 and others: I am sitting here thinking....do you know though what you really needed? I am not trying to be mean, but...I am thinking that when my Mom died (I was 11 years old) I zapped into a huge depression. I almost got kicked out of school. I did my homeworks, but did not participate at all and LITERALLY said no word to anyone. Not to my classmates, not to my teachers. They tried approaching me, talking to me, helping me, and I would just snap back at them saying "I don't care!" Yet, I was dying for some sort of help. But honestly, I had no idea what kind of help. I was craving for people, to help me, to show me how to move on, to understand my loss. Yet, I alienated everyone who showed a glimpse of care and tried to exhange a word or two with me. That is why I am asking if you actually knew what you really needed?

Sometimes, I think all of us who are going through some hard times, whether because of being the patient, or being a caregiver, or being someone who lost their loved ones, we are just at a complete loss. Loss with the whole world, and we have no idea how to connect back, but we know that "everyone has their own cross to carry" and we cannot lean on them fully for help. Even though, that would feel great. And at the same time, we have this inner battle, that we don't want to be "weak", we don't want to "collapse"...we don't want the whole thing that gives us a hard time to be real. And if we're talking about it, if we express it to others....it has to be real then. Or at least, I think that was my issue. I did not want to talk to anyone about the loss of my Mom because I, myself, could not accept it. I believe, we fight with our own emotions, hence we actually don't even know what we really truly need when we feel we need help and care from others.

People's reaction of "get over it" is really for no harm. As you say, they don't know what to say. Because they don't know what you need to hear. It is very hard for all of us...whether we are the patient, or we are the caregiver, or a griever. We want help, we wish the people around us helped the right way, but....we really don't know what help would help because we are fighting our battles. It is going to be 6 years ago at the summer that my Mom died....and I'm still grieving...and I'm still not over it. And yes, I still feel I wish I had someone who understood me, who I could let know what kind of "gold piece" my Mom was. But I will not find the person...because no one out there knew (if they knew my Mom) how "gold piece" she was for me. They may knew her as a lovely young lady at age 30 who died of cancer, but no one can feel the same way about her a I do. Same for all of you others here, no one can fully understand what you are going through as a patient...or as a caregiver. Not even your spouse, or kids. They love you deep down, but they can't help. They don't know what you need...

I wish all of you on this forum strength, patience, and a bit of understanding of the things that are impossible to understand (I know, easier said than done). Try to "feed" yourself with the good things. Good memories, the luck you had Yamster for not being face to face with the shooter, the luck for being still around and alive. You can still soak up the sun, glance up to the blue, clear clear sky. The trees blooming, the flowers popping up. Yours the whole beautiful universe. There's so much beauty out there as you just step out to the street. Focus on these things, and you'll see your hardship will be easier to handle and you'll come to a better understanding and acceptance! If you have hard time with your spouse who has changed for the worse: think of them and the times you guys met, dated, gotten married. There was a reason why you guys got married at the time and sticked out for so long. Focus on those.

The other user here (whose moniken I can't remember right now and cannot check it as I am typing this...maybe Sean?): if your spouse wants a silence treatment, let her. And while you guys are "under the silence treatment" sit down at a table and write her a letter. Pretend you need to mail off a letter to her every single day. You need to update her every single day of your life, your thoughs. Write down there how much you love her and miss her. Write down stories that you guys had "back then". Or embarassing situations you guys encountered that now actually makes you smile, or even laugh. And every morning when you are ready to leave work, leave the letter in an envelope by her night stand...or bathrobe pocket, or wherever you know she'll come across it. Emphasize in the letter that you fully understand she needs a break and a silent treatment. That is exactly what you would need when you're going through such hard time as she does and that you are honestly amazed how strong she is. Emphasize her that she needs not to reply (neither verbally or in letter), but you would like to continue her letters. And always bring up something fun, or awesome time you guys had together.

Ok, I have wrote a life novel and probably you guys will not even like my advice here....I dunno...just trying help and understand you guys...

Bless you all!

Sean, 

How is everything going? You have been in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully things have gotten better with your wife.

Amy

sharpy102 said:

Yamster34 and others: I am

Yamster34 and others: I am sitting here thinking....do you know though what you really needed? I am not trying to be mean, but...I am thinking that when my Mom died (I was 11 years old) I zapped into a huge depression. I almost got kicked out of school. I did my homeworks, but did not participate at all and LITERALLY said no word to anyone. Not to my classmates, not to my teachers. They tried approaching me, talking to me, helping me, and I would just snap back at them saying "I don't care!" Yet, I was dying for some sort of help. But honestly, I had no idea what kind of help. I was craving for people, to help me, to show me how to move on, to understand my loss. Yet, I alienated everyone who showed a glimpse of care and tried to exhange a word or two with me. That is why I am asking if you actually knew what you really needed?

Sometimes, I think all of us who are going through some hard times, whether because of being the patient, or being a caregiver, or being someone who lost their loved ones, we are just at a complete loss. Loss with the whole world, and we have no idea how to connect back, but we know that "everyone has their own cross to carry" and we cannot lean on them fully for help. Even though, that would feel great. And at the same time, we have this inner battle, that we don't want to be "weak", we don't want to "collapse"...we don't want the whole thing that gives us a hard time to be real. And if we're talking about it, if we express it to others....it has to be real then. Or at least, I think that was my issue. I did not want to talk to anyone about the loss of my Mom because I, myself, could not accept it. I believe, we fight with our own emotions, hence we actually don't even know what we really truly need when we feel we need help and care from others.

People's reaction of "get over it" is really for no harm. As you say, they don't know what to say. Because they don't know what you need to hear. It is very hard for all of us...whether we are the patient, or we are the caregiver, or a griever. We want help, we wish the people around us helped the right way, but....we really don't know what help would help because we are fighting our battles. It is going to be 6 years ago at the summer that my Mom died....and I'm still grieving...and I'm still not over it. And yes, I still feel I wish I had someone who understood me, who I could let know what kind of "gold piece" my Mom was. But I will not find the person...because no one out there knew (if they knew my Mom) how "gold piece" she was for me. They may knew her as a lovely young lady at age 30 who died of cancer, but no one can feel the same way about her a I do. Same for all of you others here, no one can fully understand what you are going through as a patient...or as a caregiver. Not even your spouse, or kids. They love you deep down, but they can't help. They don't know what you need...

I wish all of you on this forum strength, patience, and a bit of understanding of the things that are impossible to understand (I know, easier said than done). Try to "feed" yourself with the good things. Good memories, the luck you had Yamster for not being face to face with the shooter, the luck for being still around and alive. You can still soak up the sun, glance up to the blue, clear clear sky. The trees blooming, the flowers popping up. Yours the whole beautiful universe. There's so much beauty out there as you just step out to the street. Focus on these things, and you'll see your hardship will be easier to handle and you'll come to a better understanding and acceptance! If you have hard time with your spouse who has changed for the worse: think of them and the times you guys met, dated, gotten married. There was a reason why you guys got married at the time and sticked out for so long. Focus on those.

The other user here (whose moniken I can't remember right now and cannot check it as I am typing this...maybe Sean?): if your spouse wants a silence treatment, let her. And while you guys are "under the silence treatment" sit down at a table and write her a letter. Pretend you need to mail off a letter to her every single day. You need to update her every single day of your life, your thoughs. Write down there how much you love her and miss her. Write down stories that you guys had "back then". Or embarassing situations you guys encountered that now actually makes you smile, or even laugh. And every morning when you are ready to leave work, leave the letter in an envelope by her night stand...or bathrobe pocket, or wherever you know she'll come across it. Emphasize in the letter that you fully understand she needs a break and a silent treatment. That is exactly what you would need when you're going through such hard time as she does and that you are honestly amazed how strong she is. Emphasize her that she needs not to reply (neither verbally or in letter), but you would like to continue her letters. And always bring up something fun, or awesome time you guys had together.

Ok, I have wrote a life novel and probably you guys will not even like my advice here....I dunno...just trying help and understand you guys...

Bless you all!

sharpy, you are right.  No one knows what to say but we sure know when someone says something wrong.  Sometimes not saying anything is the perfect thing to say.  I do know there is no time limit as to when something gets better and understanding the missing every day.

Based on your story, you are young and an excellent communicator.  You may not verbally have communicated to others but you do say a lot when you "speak".

May God hold the warriors and their caregiverss in his loving hands.

Barbaraek said:

I was so sad reading your

I was so sad reading your post. The only thing I can offer is a favorite quote of mine, and prayers that things resolve in a way that you can be at ease with. Often times we can't explain why bad things happen to good people. My own experience has been to ask myself, what positive thing can I learn from this challenge or bad event.

Here's the quote:

Men know what burden may be placed on a mule, what on a donkey, and what on a camel, and load each beast accordingly; and the potter knows how long he must leave the pots in the fire, so that they are not cracked by staying in too long, or rendered useless by being taken out of it before they are properly fired.

If human understanding extends this far, must not God be more aware, infinitely more aware, of the degree of trial it is right to impose on each soul, so that it becomes tried and true, fit for the kingdom of heaven?(St. Macarius of Egypt)

Barb

 

@Sean: how things are with you and your lovely wife? I check here often, always hoping to hear from you. I hope it was not my long and boring post that I made earlier that scared you away. I am not religious, so I am not sure I can pray for you guys, but know: I am keeping you in my thoughts! Please update us when you have a chance!