I feel guilty

Sorry for the duplication

I do understand your feelings as I had the same ones too. I only had surgery and no chemo or radiation like so many did. They had to take my larynx and did a neck dissection on both sides and took a total of 86 glands, but I still felt guilty. You should never feel guilty, just lucky. You are so young to go through this and you sang as well. When I sang my family "very nicely" asked me to stop. Singing was so much of who you thought you were, but you are so much more then that. You will need time to fully understand and embrace this change. The sooner you accept your new second chance on life you will feel so much better, it can take time. Just be proud of who you are, and what you still have and all of your long life ahead of you with your husband. So when you wake up tomorrow you need to say, I just beat cancer, I can accomplish anything I want. It took me two months working everyday and all day long to be able to whistle again. Then I was told someone with a laryngectomee can't whistle. Glad they never told me that before I did it. I thought she was going to fall over when I whistled then I blew up a balloon and she had to film that. She said it had never been done. Maybe you won't be able to sing the same, but your love of music is still there and you can write the songs. The world is yours, do what you want and never let someone say you can't.

Bill

kylee, you have nothing to feel guilty about.  not liking who we are after cancer is quite normal.  it does not mean we are not grateful.  and with you being so young, i think you are doing great!  i went through terrible depression after my surgery 2/28/12.  i literally spent months in my bedroom, not socializing with anyone including family.  having cancer is very hard to accept and all the changes and side effects are just as hard to accept.  you are right though, only people who have walked this road truly understand what one means when we say we don't know ourselves any more.  as much as they love us and want to understand it is imposible.  it is hard on our family also.  like your hubby wanting to "fix" you, mine was the same way and there were many days he cried for me.  unfortunately, like you said, only YOU can fix you.  don't be too hard on yourself and expect it to happen overnight.  you must allow yourself time and go through the different phases.  you may need to talk to your doctor about antidepressants.  I take them daily and that is what finally got me out of my bedroom.  i'm 3 yrs out since my laryngectomy and honestly it took me almost the entire 3 years to learn to want to live again.  so, please, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!  you've done nothing to feel that way.  talk to your doc about your depression before it gets worse.  each day try to tell yourself something you like about YOU and eventually, you will learn to love the "new" you.  btw, I also had larynx cancer and I'm now a laryngectomee.  i will be praying for you to fully recover from this which included finding yourself again.

God bless you and your family,

dj

it is easy to say but much more difficult to live with the feelings of guilt as a survivor.  I consider myself extremely fortunate.  I'm three years past diagnosis and have had a constant string of NED evaluations from my doctors since March of 2013.  I do have challenges from the side effects of treament (SCC, BOT, STG IVa, induction chemo, 7 weeks of chemo/rads and two neck dissections) but I embrace it as the "new me".

James Clavell wrote a novel about feudal Japan, "Shogun" and a section of the book deals with one of the principal characters (Englishman John Blackthorne) going freely out to meet death through 'seppuku' and the aspect of being totally reborn after his willing attempt was stopped.  The passage resonates with me as I too felt the guilt of survival, the challenges of trying to talk about it and my feelings with my wife, and adapting to the new reality that is my life after cancer. 

I do believe that I was reborn through the harrowing regimine of treatments (they only tried to kill me 3 times) and that my life is richer, sweeter and more than what it was pre-cancer. 

I realize that the changes at a younger age seem very daunting, depressing and the feeling that you've 'lost' who was you is very real, but remember that you are still in there, you are still the person you were before you found out that you had cancer.  Mourn the loss of things, but don't let it define who you are.  Embrace the new you. 

We've all felt survivors guilt in one form or another.  I've been on this forum for a number of years and watched the struggles of others who didn't survive and have felt those pangs of guilt that say 'why me, why am I still here and so many others aren't?'   It is very normal to feel it, it is normal to feel the loss of self and it is a struggle to find the new you.

I have found that so many people want to help but they have no real clue on how to talk with us, how to help us.  Family, spouses, siblings, children, close and distant friends are often at a loss to really speak to us of our disease and what it was like to confront it, fight it and win victories over it.  They want to help us but so often don't know how, so they avoid it/us.

I had a friend who passed away earlier this year from glioblastoma, and I found it hard to talk with him and his wife, to try to keep her spirits up and positive, to try to console her when it became plain that he was not going to survive.  I felt an incredible amount of guilt then, and still do to some extent, but I found in that simple passage from Shogun that I have been reborn, I have been given a new life.  Sure, I have limitations, I will have them forever.  I used to hate them but now I hold onto them as my 'medals of honor' that constantly remind me that it tried to kill me and ultimately failed!

I agree with other posters here that you and your husband would very well benefit from counselling, coming to grips with that which could have killed us is always a challenge.

I don't know who the original author of this phrase is, but "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger".    I also have heard a follow up comment to it.

If what doesn't kills us makes us stronger, than I should be able to bench press a bus!

Take heart Miss Kylee, you are still in there, you are still you (as Josh Groban's song says ..."after all, you're still you"

One day at a time Kyle. I'm going through the same thing, I know its annoying. But try find something to get busy with and get ur mind of cancer. I suggest u write down all ur negative thoughts before u sleep on a paper and once done throw the paper away its a nice trick to get out the negative stuff from ur head ... Don't feel guilty , I felt it too. But its our right to be upset bcz of what happened. But don't stop there try to move on with ur new you ... No matter what changes this experience did but at the end its You heart & soul , the changes sometimes lead to better things , try to remember no matter.what its still u and ur family loves u no matter what ... I suggest let ur husband in maybe he'll help u through this . Keep smiling Kyle we have a lot of good days yet to come

sending u hugs.

goyca