Some on topic Some off topic

Most of my replies have been sporadic at best but I do read all the posts and my thoughts are always with all of you.  There are so many newbies (hate that they have to be here) and many are in big battles and some have lost their battles.  But whether it is an early catch with good prognosis or an advanced cancer with lots of treatments ahead it is cancer and it is scary.  There are so many different types of breast cancer and each one (even those that are similar to someone elses) is unique.  Treatments vary and so do results.  I wish that there was one magic bullet that we could all take and snap everything was all better.  But there is not so we each consult our doctors and do what we feel is best for us based on their advise and our own guts. The one constant I have found throughout my journey is that this board is here and the people on it are my friends.  They are there for me.  Rooting for me, encouraging me, caring for me,praying for me, giving me advise, telling me of their journey, asking for my help,making me laugh, sometimes disagreeing with me (like any good sister), mourning with me when we lose someone we care for, and just being a rock to cling to on a turbulate sea.  I appreciate everyone of you.  You have helped me in ways that you will never know.   When my Dennis had his stroke, broke his hip and got a C Diff infection that nearly killed me you were there for me.  Holding me up and helping me through it. Regarding my cancers, sometimes I feel like the odd man out.  Although I have had cancer (uterine, bladder, breast, several types of skin cancer, and pre cancerous polyps) I feel so fortunate.  Fortunate that they have all responded well to treatments and that my doctors are vigilant with follow ups and looking for any new cancers. Fortunate that I have been NED for 15 years with the uterine cancer, NED for 6 years for breast cancer, that my bladder cancer recurrences have been small, that the colon polyps were precancerous and that the skin cancers have been easily removed and not melanoma.  I am "lucky".   But I think that my greatest fortune is that I rarely worry.  I don't know why.  I worry about Dennis plenty but that's because I don't have control.  But over my cancers and follow ups and tests, it's just routine.  I go to my yearly mammos, yearly cystoscopies, yearly endoscopies, yearly colonscopies, yearly skin checks and expect (not just hope) for the results to be okay.  It's not that I don't think I can't have recurrences, mets, or new cancers.  It's just that for me I refuse to let worrying about tomorrow job me of today.  I might get more cancer but then I might never have it again.  I am diligent about my tests and a realist that it could come back.  But I will face that problem when it appears and not before.  I know these is not possible for everyone and my heart is there for those that worry and feel their lives are forever changed by this diagnosis.  It is a natural response (I think more natural than mine) and my heart and prayers are there for them. My sister has had breast cancer and constantly worries about it coming back.  I never tell her not to worry, nor would I tell any of you not to worry.  I feel we each need to handle our cancers in the way that works best for each of us as individuals.   I have been blessed to know each of you.  I have seen incredible strength, grace, courage and determination.  I have seen woman on this board lose their fight but never their spirit.  I have learned so much more than fighting cancer here.  I have heard woman and men talk about their lives, their families, their other struggles, their joys.  I have laughed with the witty ones, cried with the sad ones, prayed for those that want praying, sent hugs and encouragement, and shared so much.  I am not sure why I am rambling but those that knew me way back when I first joined know that I do this on occasion.   I guess I just wanted to tell you all how I feel about you.  I love you, each and everyone.  I pray that of us each finds their peace, their joy, their courage, their strength and fights their battle with the help of family and friends.  I also think fondly of those we have lost.  Far too many and all so loved.  Woman who lead by example, who gave and gave even while fighting their final battle.  I have a candle that I light in remembrance of them.

Personal update:  Dennis and I move back to Fairfield in September.  The kids moved to Hawaii for a job change (didn't work out) and they are now in San Diego (hear her husband's entire family).  It is wonderful that the other grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins will have them close to them like we did in Alameda. We miss them and the kids like crazy but we have the rest of my family in this area. So we are no longer renting the big beautiful Victorian in my picture.  We have a lovely apartment and one thing is has that the victorian did not is better heat and cooling. My DH is doing very well healthwise.  I did my mammo yesterday and will know in 2 weeks how it is but I expect it to be fine, I saw my skin doctor and he found a small basal cancer that he excised and we are using a topical on the area as well, I have an upcoming cystoscopy at the end of the month, and my yearly colonoscopy and endoscopy in July.   I did my yearly check up with my gyn onc, my breast onc, and my PCP.  All is good.  My diabetic numbers are down and I have reduced my insulin.  I have dropped a few pounds.  A drop in a big lake of need to lose pounds but each pound counts.  I did develop Rheumatoid Arthritis in November.  Let me correct that.  It appears I have had it for years based on the x rays and joint damage but didn't ever have a serious flare until November.  Couldn't more my fingers or wrists (both hands) and had the worst pain I have ever had.  Nothing touched it.  Went to the doctor, referred to the rheumatologist who is wonderful.  Got xrays, examed and she put me on a steroid and methotrexate.  Did blood tests every two weeks as we added doseage to the methtreaxate and reduced the steriods.  The steroids gave me immediate relief while the metho kicked in.   We have found the right dose of metho so I am off the steroids and doing well.  I do have to admit that the RA had me worried at first.  I was worried about who would look after Den and his needs.  I help him with his baths,  prepare and puree all his meals, handle all his meds, help him with his walker, get him to his appointments.  I worried that if I couldn't use my hands and fingers properly that I wouldn't be able to care for him.  But I was lucky again.  All is well.  Maybe in the future it will flare and I won't be able to care for him but not today.   I am a strong woman and I know it.  I had a strong mother who taught me well (she lost her battle in 2003) and a strong family who love me.  And I have all of you.  I AM A LUCKY WOMAN!!

Stef