on the edge of a cliff

Everyone has their share of trouble, and Ive mine. Though things tilted into the realm of ridiculous when at 21 I was suddenly diagnosed with terminal stage IV cancer. Though I survived with the aid of an iron will, I was damaged. With tumors on my pancreas, liver, lungs, i could go on but it'll be easier to say from top to bottom. I was in for a battle of horror. Which had too many curves into darkness to fit here, so Ill try to focus on some of the worst. At admittance i had about a month to live if things didnt change quick. That changed when the hospital overdosed me with a cardiac toxic chemotherapy. The next morning my room filled with white suits telling me they made a mistake and with the rare tumor that actually grew into my heart, the chemo was going to melt my heart. I had two weeks, or as little as four days. Though my doctor then informed me he had a plane to catch and left. Something i find so inhumane i can actually laugh at now. That wouldnt be my end though. tumors blocked my biliary ducts (liver from draining) turning me yellow like homer simpson and gave an incredible itch from the toxins seeping to my skin. From which i scratched till i bled and completely removed patches of hair. A surgery was scheduled to put tubes through my tumor blocked ducts, as to revert my liver to normal function. Another unseen horror awaited. During prep for the liver stent surgery i was improperly anaesthetised, leaving me not only awake but fully capable of feeling even a pinch. It began, all i could do was scream. This memory horrifies me every day, the pain and screaming began in unison. I couldnt move, say no or operate in any other way than record. The pain owned me. i dont remember taking a breath. Just a single sustained shriek. No shock nor faint. I only remember the nurse at my upper right, who panicked more and more as my bloody scream wouldnt end. Every few seconds she would say "doctor" in a slightly panicked tone and be met with a firm nearly shout each time by the doctor. "Keep going, keep going". Of the many surgeries to follow this would repeat twice more, though the first is the one that haunts my quiet moments. I had many more horrors, needles in the spine with only local anisthetic from opiate phobic doctors. Tubes hanging out of my body. Living in a hospital room for six months, too ill to be allowed home. Followed by a stem cell transplant and radiation. My mind was left in tatters nearly becoming a mute, and when anger seeped in and i demanded a stop to my sub par care I was threatened with not being treated. Laws didnt matter and humanity was a rarity. The events i experienced, as do many, like being bathed by a stranger due to not being able to look after my own body. The pains, neglects, sub par care which sometimes made me feel as though I lived in a fast food hut-haunt me .  Injuries from illness and treatment prevent me from the career I was aiming for in excercise science. Leaving me to have to start an education from the beginning again. My state has begun an effort to reduce spending by revoking disability to many cases-something my doctor has also confirmed. I went through hell and back. I probably wont live to see old age. I have a statistical 30 percent of five year survival. I sued the hospital that actually admitted to a medical mistake, but hospitals have great legal teams. Survivors with thousands of medical debt have free lawyers. I was not compensated for the permanet health problems nor shortned life caused and to be caused by the care i received.  With the time i have left i really just dream and hope for a job (providing its not physically tasking) so i can pay for insurance. I should routinely be monitored by a team of doctors-I can afford only two more months with just one if i eat every other day. I have a bad molar tooth which could kill me with my bad heart. I have a fine mind and pride myself on humanity and empathy. Dining with homeless when i worked at a lawfirm before illness struck. Always imagining myself in other shoes ironically in those of a person with ill health too. I am not in denial though and know this world is cruel. I have not shared all my troubles to be kind to any reader, though not very at this already long length. Here where my story is unraveling to ramble Ill say this. I wrote it once and did not check it, apologies for mistakes. I have been through an incredible and breaking experience most succumb to, and i eventually will. I still have a remnant of a tumor aside my damaged heart, both of which, are very dangerously not being monitored. I really want to live as long as I can. --==--My hopes and dreams are money for insurance and medication. Or even a job to provide for myself. [Content removed by CSN Support Team]  goodluck to any who read this and too, like me, need it. feel free to message me for talks