Cancer is destroying my marriage
This is my first time posting here, but felt compelled to share my story even if I don't find the answers or a solution to my problem.
Over a year ago my wife suffered a seizure and a lesion was discovered in her right temporal lobe. It was later diagnosed as an AA3 and was succesfully removed. She went through radiation/chemo and has had 5 clear MRIs to-date. We have a young son and had recently bought a nice home together - we had normal marital problems, but had a loving relationship.
I was so affraid of losing my wife to the cancer that I wasn't even aware that I had already lost her to the treatments and medication. She immediately withdrew from me and we haven't made love in almost a year and a half. She suggested we go to marriage counseling and I made positive changes in my life, but I can't seem to bridge the gap with her. I've grown three fold as a person through this process, but during counseling she cited a myriad of reasons to explain her negative feelings towards me. I really felt like I had stepped up to the plate and shouldered a heavy load in order to help in her recovery, but she had a very different view of it. She said that I wasn't there for her emotionally and wasn't a good caregiver - this broke my heart as the tidal wave of emotion came over me shortly after her treatments stopped.
I know in my heart that this is more complicated than just me (anti-seizure meds, chemo, radiation, and her going into early menopause), but I'm at a loss for how she could feel this way about everything I did to keep up with the house and toddler. I grow increasingly depressed and feel a loss of control in this endless cycle. She told me that she can't make love to me, because she doesn't feel close to me - I can't imagine how we'll ever feel close if we don't.
I sometimes read her old emails to me just to feel that love again, but it hurts so much to realize that she loved a lesser version of me more than the improved me. She has threatened to separate from me on a few occasions, but I can't imagine not hearing my little boys voice in the morning and therefore will do and suffer through anything to try and make it work. I wish there was a magic bullet to help bring us back to together, but I fear that she'll never be able to love me again like she did before.
Not sure if there is anything I'll ever be able to do, but I won't give up. I had divorced parents and my son deserves to have the same loving family he had before this terrible disease ripped our family apart. He knows too - he's always asking if we can do things like a family.
-Loving father and husband.
Comments
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A terrible situation.
It must have been truly shocking and utterly devastating to hear that you two have such different interpretations of the cancer-time. What a blow.
Does the counselor feel like they are able to help you? Are you both able to put a good faith effort into the homework assignments? Has the counselor discussed possible anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants for either of you, at least in the short term, to facilitate the process? (You will have to see a medical doctor for prescriptions.) Above all, be honest in your sessions.
Meanwhile, can the oncologist offer any suggestions in how to help you deal with your wife's feelings? Even a referral to an appropriate psychologist or gynecologist would be helpful. Since she was thrust into pre-mature menopause with seizures, no less, is it possible that your wife feels damaged, a lesser person? Maybe she is having vaginal dryness issues that need treating with hormonal therapy. Maybe she feels a deficient in her cognitive functioning (I would be surprised if she didn't). Perhaps she's still feeling very scared that her cancer will return (an extremely common fear)?
Are you close to her family or best friends? Do they have any insights that might help you?
Can you get her into a physical therapy program specifically designed for cancer patients, like the STAR Program? A therapist might be able to help her improve any cognitive deficits and lift any brain-fogs she may be feeling. For the closest program, look at the upper right-hand corner: http://www.oncologyrehabpartners.com/star-certifications/
It's possible that you may eventually have to face that her behavior might have been permanently altered, like can potentially happen with any brain injury. :^(
This is a terrible situation for you both. I hope you able to find your way and forge a new or renewed relationship.
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HopefulOuch_Ouch_Ouch said:A terrible situation.
It must have been truly shocking and utterly devastating to hear that you two have such different interpretations of the cancer-time. What a blow.
Does the counselor feel like they are able to help you? Are you both able to put a good faith effort into the homework assignments? Has the counselor discussed possible anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants for either of you, at least in the short term, to facilitate the process? (You will have to see a medical doctor for prescriptions.) Above all, be honest in your sessions.
Meanwhile, can the oncologist offer any suggestions in how to help you deal with your wife's feelings? Even a referral to an appropriate psychologist or gynecologist would be helpful. Since she was thrust into pre-mature menopause with seizures, no less, is it possible that your wife feels damaged, a lesser person? Maybe she is having vaginal dryness issues that need treating with hormonal therapy. Maybe she feels a deficient in her cognitive functioning (I would be surprised if she didn't). Perhaps she's still feeling very scared that her cancer will return (an extremely common fear)?
Are you close to her family or best friends? Do they have any insights that might help you?
Can you get her into a physical therapy program specifically designed for cancer patients, like the STAR Program? A therapist might be able to help her improve any cognitive deficits and lift any brain-fogs she may be feeling. For the closest program, look at the upper right-hand corner: http://www.oncologyrehabpartners.com/star-certifications/
It's possible that you may eventually have to face that her behavior might have been permanently altered, like can potentially happen with any brain injury. :^(
This is a terrible situation for you both. I hope you able to find your way and forge a new or renewed relationship.
You posed a lot of questions - I will say that I've approached marriage counseling with good faith and have addressed all homework assignments I've been given. I asked for very few things during counseling (and was told by her that I not dare ask her to change anything). The requests I made - to be shown more affection, to hear "I love you" more often, and to rekindle our sex life. She responded by giving me more hugs, but stopped saying "I love you" at all and flat out refuses any form of sensual contact.
I do believe many of her issues are hormonal and medication related as I felt an immediate change when she started taking Keppra. I felt like she was always upset with me and I grew anxious not knowing what to expect when I got home at night. I made a few mistakes early on after her seizure (arriving late, phone dying over night) and she held onto them as the source of her anger. It really felt like for every issue I addressed she would find something else to replace it.
As for meds and referrals - when I approached her doctors about how I felt she said that I had overstepped my bounds and that became a source of anger. She even picked a fight with me over me breaking down crying after a clear MRI (???) saying that I was bottling everything up and not dealing with the situation. So I find it difficult to address those issues, but I did mention to my our family doctor that our marriage was struggling and that we had not made love in 15 months. Our doctor said that she would discuss it with her, but now I'm scared that it will back-fire like everything else.
Her friends and family have listened to her side of the situation and I feel that judging eye upon me. Her father actually confronted me about "why counseling wasn't taking hold with me". I was floored by this - I've grown three fold as a person (promotions, healthy life choices, major sacrifices in my free time, and the extra burden of driving during the 6months that she couldn't).
She loved a far less mature version of me more than she does now. I really hope that hormone therapy is offered and works - I really miss her!
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Feeling hopelessCS52461 said:Hopeful
You posed a lot of questions - I will say that I've approached marriage counseling with good faith and have addressed all homework assignments I've been given. I asked for very few things during counseling (and was told by her that I not dare ask her to change anything). The requests I made - to be shown more affection, to hear "I love you" more often, and to rekindle our sex life. She responded by giving me more hugs, but stopped saying "I love you" at all and flat out refuses any form of sensual contact.
I do believe many of her issues are hormonal and medication related as I felt an immediate change when she started taking Keppra. I felt like she was always upset with me and I grew anxious not knowing what to expect when I got home at night. I made a few mistakes early on after her seizure (arriving late, phone dying over night) and she held onto them as the source of her anger. It really felt like for every issue I addressed she would find something else to replace it.
As for meds and referrals - when I approached her doctors about how I felt she said that I had overstepped my bounds and that became a source of anger. She even picked a fight with me over me breaking down crying after a clear MRI (???) saying that I was bottling everything up and not dealing with the situation. So I find it difficult to address those issues, but I did mention to my our family doctor that our marriage was struggling and that we had not made love in 15 months. Our doctor said that she would discuss it with her, but now I'm scared that it will back-fire like everything else.
Her friends and family have listened to her side of the situation and I feel that judging eye upon me. Her father actually confronted me about "why counseling wasn't taking hold with me". I was floored by this - I've grown three fold as a person (promotions, healthy life choices, major sacrifices in my free time, and the extra burden of driving during the 6months that she couldn't).
She loved a far less mature version of me more than she does now. I really hope that hormone therapy is offered and works - I really miss her!
Well it's now been a year and half since I've made love to my wife. I've read other posts about how marriage problems have always been there and that cancer just brings them to the surface. While there may be some truth to this, we had a happy loving marriage with a healthy sex life up until her first seizure. After she started taking Keppra, her attitude towards me turned to distain for everything I've done in the past seven years and our sex life ended. I'm not going to go through life blaming myself for this - if it was that simple our sex life would have ended before her seizure. I've jumped through every flaming hoop that's been put in front of me - I'm sober, promotion, new car, still cook the majority of our meals, help around the house, am loving, am caring, and I'm a great father!
I get sick of some people thinking every situation is a simple post based on their personal experience. I would like to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but since she had a second seizure after stopping Keppra, it sounds like she'll be on it indefinitely. And she has no interest in trying anything else, she has no libido and apparently doesn't care that our sex life is over - in an angry rage she even told me she'd NEVER have sex with me again. She would much rather blame me for how she's feeling than the Keppra, chemo, or radiation - it's like someone defending a heroin habit because it makes them feel good.
And who can I tell? Post a diatribe on facebook (never)? Talk to her doctors?? Councelor??? Her friends???? Her family????? All of that backfires in my face - I've never put so much effort into something thats not in my control. I can negatively affect my life by not doing the things I do, but no amount of effort can positively affect my situation. And before you say maybe I should move on with my life - how do you voluntarily remove yourself from your four year olds life? How do you subject a little boy to a life with no father? Oh sure, I can be there on weekends, maybe even a couple times a week. Nothing says "having a father in your life" like having him there 100 days a year.
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My two centsCS52461 said:Feeling hopeless
Well it's now been a year and half since I've made love to my wife. I've read other posts about how marriage problems have always been there and that cancer just brings them to the surface. While there may be some truth to this, we had a happy loving marriage with a healthy sex life up until her first seizure. After she started taking Keppra, her attitude towards me turned to distain for everything I've done in the past seven years and our sex life ended. I'm not going to go through life blaming myself for this - if it was that simple our sex life would have ended before her seizure. I've jumped through every flaming hoop that's been put in front of me - I'm sober, promotion, new car, still cook the majority of our meals, help around the house, am loving, am caring, and I'm a great father!
I get sick of some people thinking every situation is a simple post based on their personal experience. I would like to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but since she had a second seizure after stopping Keppra, it sounds like she'll be on it indefinitely. And she has no interest in trying anything else, she has no libido and apparently doesn't care that our sex life is over - in an angry rage she even told me she'd NEVER have sex with me again. She would much rather blame me for how she's feeling than the Keppra, chemo, or radiation - it's like someone defending a heroin habit because it makes them feel good.
And who can I tell? Post a diatribe on facebook (never)? Talk to her doctors?? Councelor??? Her friends???? Her family????? All of that backfires in my face - I've never put so much effort into something thats not in my control. I can negatively affect my life by not doing the things I do, but no amount of effort can positively affect my situation. And before you say maybe I should move on with my life - how do you voluntarily remove yourself from your four year olds life? How do you subject a little boy to a life with no father? Oh sure, I can be there on weekends, maybe even a couple times a week. Nothing says "having a father in your life" like having him there 100 days a year.
After reading your posts, I felt I had to comment. My husband battled colon cancer for 23 months and passed away on 11/2/14. I was his caregiver. My mother is 89 and has Alzheimer's. My 88 year old father still cares for her at home. We both have taken our vows very seriously. It is hell in any situation with an illness of cancer or Alzheimer's. I see what my father does every day and night for my mother and admire his stamina and devotion. I was devoted to my husband, also.
You keep mentioning sex, which must be very important to you. As a woman, every time you mention it, it may just irritate your wife over and over. Did she have brain cancer or lung cancer? The treatments (past and continuing) have obviously wrecked havoc with her personality. I see my sweet mother turned into a complaining miserable person, mostly towards my father, who does nothing but care for her.
If you truly mean you want to be there for your son and wife, you will have to learn to deal with everything a little better or you will go crazy and that will not be good for any of you. We all change as caregiviers and now being on the other side, I would give anything for another day, week, hour of my husband here. The disease changes them too. You will have to understand that. Maybe you will have to ask your wife what she really wants, maybe she can leave the home for a while and you can stay there with your son. It probably isn't healthy for him to hear all the negative comments between the two of you.
I wish you peace
Linda
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Sex is healthy part of aLindaK. said:My two cents
After reading your posts, I felt I had to comment. My husband battled colon cancer for 23 months and passed away on 11/2/14. I was his caregiver. My mother is 89 and has Alzheimer's. My 88 year old father still cares for her at home. We both have taken our vows very seriously. It is hell in any situation with an illness of cancer or Alzheimer's. I see what my father does every day and night for my mother and admire his stamina and devotion. I was devoted to my husband, also.
You keep mentioning sex, which must be very important to you. As a woman, every time you mention it, it may just irritate your wife over and over. Did she have brain cancer or lung cancer? The treatments (past and continuing) have obviously wrecked havoc with her personality. I see my sweet mother turned into a complaining miserable person, mostly towards my father, who does nothing but care for her.
If you truly mean you want to be there for your son and wife, you will have to learn to deal with everything a little better or you will go crazy and that will not be good for any of you. We all change as caregiviers and now being on the other side, I would give anything for another day, week, hour of my husband here. The disease changes them too. You will have to understand that. Maybe you will have to ask your wife what she really wants, maybe she can leave the home for a while and you can stay there with your son. It probably isn't healthy for him to hear all the negative comments between the two of you.
I wish you peace
Linda
Sex is healthy part of a marriage and was an important form of communication that we both very much enjoyed. It was something that our marriage therapist strongly suggested that we use reconnect. Having that removed from our lives and to have a medication like Keppra interfere with basic civility is a difficult challenge. We don't have a constant negative dialog and we are both are very careful not to expose our son to that type of environment.
I have not left my family and I quietly suffer through this day in and day out (hence my posts here). I don't constantly badger my wife, but I do continue to show her honest affection in the form of touching the neck, arm, or back. I miss her, I miss our love for each other, I miss her emails about what a wonderful man I am, I miss her telling me how handsom I am, I miss her brushing my arm and neck, I miss her smile that told me everything, I miss seeing her stand in front of the mirror naked in the morning, I miss her seductive embrace, and I miss her.
And her leaving is not going to be an option. I just wake up every morning and do the right thing, and hope that she doesn't ask me to move out. And I believe I am qualified to understand the changes that a brain tumor and treatments can cause - it doesn't mean that I won't be frustrated by it and need to vent. Even if it's only to a blank page on a discussion board as an anonymous statistic. I find venting my frustration here to be the best way to deal with my frustration, but also so that others may not feel so alone if they experiencing a similar situation.
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;-(CS52461 said:Sex is healthy part of a
Sex is healthy part of a marriage and was an important form of communication that we both very much enjoyed. It was something that our marriage therapist strongly suggested that we use reconnect. Having that removed from our lives and to have a medication like Keppra interfere with basic civility is a difficult challenge. We don't have a constant negative dialog and we are both are very careful not to expose our son to that type of environment.
I have not left my family and I quietly suffer through this day in and day out (hence my posts here). I don't constantly badger my wife, but I do continue to show her honest affection in the form of touching the neck, arm, or back. I miss her, I miss our love for each other, I miss her emails about what a wonderful man I am, I miss her telling me how handsom I am, I miss her brushing my arm and neck, I miss her smile that told me everything, I miss seeing her stand in front of the mirror naked in the morning, I miss her seductive embrace, and I miss her.
And her leaving is not going to be an option. I just wake up every morning and do the right thing, and hope that she doesn't ask me to move out. And I believe I am qualified to understand the changes that a brain tumor and treatments can cause - it doesn't mean that I won't be frustrated by it and need to vent. Even if it's only to a blank page on a discussion board as an anonymous statistic. I find venting my frustration here to be the best way to deal with my frustration, but also so that others may not feel so alone if they experiencing a similar situation.
You have no idea how much I miss my husband, it's so much harder than I ever thought it may be while I was caring for him and watching him pass.
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Thanks and I'm truly sorry for everyone who has lost a loved oneLindaK. said:;-(
You have no idea how much I miss my husband, it's so much harder than I ever thought it may be while I was caring for him and watching him pass.
I'm sorry Linda. I think I understand what you are trying to share with me, and I appreciate you taking the time to post.
I mourn every day the thought of losing her and especially thinking about my son losing his mommy.
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I feel the same
I'm in almost the exact same same position as you with almost identical circumstances and I have no idea what to do or where to turn. I at least feel good that I'm not part of the 80% of men that leave a sick wife due to illness but what can we do while we watch our life wither with them. I don't now how much more I can take without any sign of affection from my wife. I can't help but feel dead inside already. I'm also tired of hearing that a love life isn't everything! well, food isn't everything either but if you don't eat once in a while you starve to death.
Trying to hang in there....I hope you find a solution.
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Cancer DID destroy my marriageD.D. said:I feel the same
I'm in almost the exact same same position as you with almost identical circumstances and I have no idea what to do or where to turn. I at least feel good that I'm not part of the 80% of men that leave a sick wife due to illness but what can we do while we watch our life wither with them. I don't now how much more I can take without any sign of affection from my wife. I can't help but feel dead inside already. I'm also tired of hearing that a love life isn't everything! well, food isn't everything either but if you don't eat once in a while you starve to death.
Trying to hang in there....I hope you find a solution.
My husband died from cancer. Having him gone forever is so much worse than having a shell of him. I know that sounds harsh, but in my case, it is true.
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Thanks DDD.D. said:I feel the same
I'm in almost the exact same same position as you with almost identical circumstances and I have no idea what to do or where to turn. I at least feel good that I'm not part of the 80% of men that leave a sick wife due to illness but what can we do while we watch our life wither with them. I don't now how much more I can take without any sign of affection from my wife. I can't help but feel dead inside already. I'm also tired of hearing that a love life isn't everything! well, food isn't everything either but if you don't eat once in a while you starve to death.
Trying to hang in there....I hope you find a solution.
Thanks DD.
I wish there was an easy solution to bringing love back into our lives. It's very difficult to not be loved in a way you've come to expect over the years and to have that leave you seemingly overnight.
And yes Linda, I do agree - it is wonderful having her in our lives. Everyone in this situation has to learn to deal with the new normal, but it doesn't have to be a "deal with it cause it could always be worse" situation. If that were true then there would be no valid disputes or complaints in a marriage or life in general. Desiring to have a healthy relationship is a natural need and is something our marriage councelor has advocated for. I would really just like to hear the words "I love you" or an unsolicited hug, touch, or smile once in a while.
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YupCS52461 said:Thanks DD
Thanks DD.
I wish there was an easy solution to bringing love back into our lives. It's very difficult to not be loved in a way you've come to expect over the years and to have that leave you seemingly overnight.
And yes Linda, I do agree - it is wonderful having her in our lives. Everyone in this situation has to learn to deal with the new normal, but it doesn't have to be a "deal with it cause it could always be worse" situation. If that were true then there would be no valid disputes or complaints in a marriage or life in general. Desiring to have a healthy relationship is a natural need and is something our marriage councelor has advocated for. I would really just like to hear the words "I love you" or an unsolicited hug, touch, or smile once in a while.
me too
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Thankful
CS5. I am very thankful that you have posted. I think many people share your feelings and struggle, but are not as brave as you. I completely understand your need to vent. It's kind of daunting to put yourself out there to possible scrutiny and ridicule, even if it is anonymous. Clearly there are other caregivers with the same frustrations, and deep heartache and pain.
Linda. I am truly sorry for your loss. I understand you are pointing out that it could be worse, and that we should be thankful for every moment we have while the special person in our life is here. I worry that you could "guilt" a loving caregiver into not expressing their pain and loss on this anonymous site. The thoughts expressed by CS5 are extremely difficult to confide to others. Like he said, who is he supposed to talk to? I want to point out that a person can mourn the loss of their loved one, even if they are alive. The person he knew, the love they shared, is nowhere to be seen. He wants it back. Karen, I hope that you find comfort in the loving memories you have of your husband.
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Guilta_oaklee said:Thankful
CS5. I am very thankful that you have posted. I think many people share your feelings and struggle, but are not as brave as you. I completely understand your need to vent. It's kind of daunting to put yourself out there to possible scrutiny and ridicule, even if it is anonymous. Clearly there are other caregivers with the same frustrations, and deep heartache and pain.
Linda. I am truly sorry for your loss. I understand you are pointing out that it could be worse, and that we should be thankful for every moment we have while the special person in our life is here. I worry that you could "guilt" a loving caregiver into not expressing their pain and loss on this anonymous site. The thoughts expressed by CS5 are extremely difficult to confide to others. Like he said, who is he supposed to talk to? I want to point out that a person can mourn the loss of their loved one, even if they are alive. The person he knew, the love they shared, is nowhere to be seen. He wants it back. Karen, I hope that you find comfort in the loving memories you have of your husband.
I didn't mean to try to "guilt" anyone into anything. I'm just being brutally honest from the other side. None of this is fair to us as spouses, caregivers, children, etc. I always thought I was halfway prepared for being a widow. I've always been pretty independent, but this grief is nothing I ever could imagine. I had very difficult moments as a caregiver, mostly out of fear. No one care prepare you to be a caregiver or a widow or widower, it's just something to get through. I was just giving some advice, which may have come across too strongly or the wrong way. I had another widow friend tell me when my husband went into home hospice care "It will get worse" and I couldn't imagine it getting any worse, but it did. She was brutally honest with me and I am thankful for that. We talk all the time now about all that we went through, I'm glad to have her in my life.
I wish you all the best
Linda
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where has love goneCS52461 said:Thanks DD
Thanks DD.
I wish there was an easy solution to bringing love back into our lives. It's very difficult to not be loved in a way you've come to expect over the years and to have that leave you seemingly overnight.
And yes Linda, I do agree - it is wonderful having her in our lives. Everyone in this situation has to learn to deal with the new normal, but it doesn't have to be a "deal with it cause it could always be worse" situation. If that were true then there would be no valid disputes or complaints in a marriage or life in general. Desiring to have a healthy relationship is a natural need and is something our marriage councelor has advocated for. I would really just like to hear the words "I love you" or an unsolicited hug, touch, or smile once in a while.
My heart goes out to you, CS. I can hear that you are at your rope's end and that the main thing holding you back is your little boy. It is so much easier to be selfish when there are no children invovled. It's almost impossible to love someone who never gives back. I truly admire people who are able to care for handicapped children, who are difficult, and still manage to love them inspite of their tantrums and lack of connection. Those people are made for sainthood. Most of us are not.
The only advice I can offer, would be for you to see a psychologist alone - for your own sake - to help you decide what you want to do. (It's what Ann Landers would say.) There are people who get divorced and the kids turn out fine, and there are some that are traumatized by it. And there are some kids who grow up in an intact family and dont' turn out fine either, no matter how hard you work at it. I hear you saying that it is you who would miss seeing your child everyday, and that is a very powerful reason to stay put and ride things out. But the question is "how will you get your needs met while this is going on?" A good psychologist should be able to guide you to a point where you are not falling apart.
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Looking For Answers As Well!
I cut and paste this, however, fits here well too and am looking for advice as well!
My world was recently turned upside down as well! My wife of 6 years (together for 9), just spent the last 19 months dealing with her breast cancer. She too was diagnosed at the age of 27! She went through chemo, with me there all but one time (Her mother wanted to go and see what was needed if i was unavailable). After chemo was a bi-lateral mastectomy, one of her expanders became infected, months of medication, followed by the removal of the expander. During that time she was receiving radiation. Months later, the expander was placed back in, more recovery and then reconstruction. During that time I was there for her through it all!!!
April 6th she sends me a series of texts wanting to return to school, feeling that she hasn't accomplished much in life. (We have a 5yo, as well as 11yo and 13yo from my previous marriage). I explain that when she decided on a major, we would move forward. I then asked her if her sadness was due to me, to which she replied, "No, I love you to the moon and back".
April 9th she woke me early in the morning to tell me she needed space and time to think and that she was going to stay at her parents.
Today she told me, "I will always love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore". "I'm too young for such responsibilty". She also told her best friend, "Life's too short to be unhappy".
I am completely devasted and just broken as of now. She's my best friend! We've been through hell and back, me NEVER leaving her side! And now this!
I REFUSE to give up! Not unless some other man is selected to take my place, I will not give up! She's right, life is too short! And I can't live it without her!
You mentioned lack of sex, my wife was prescribed Tamoxifen and the lowest dose of Effexor for her hot flashes. Her sex drive became less than zero. She would suck it up and have "Quickies", but to me it was more like conceptual rape and I hated it! Our sex life was awesome, however, I'd give it all up to have her next to me in bed right now, as opposed to me typing this!
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Ok....I'll say it,..... ThisSean_030306 said:Looking For Answers As Well!
I cut and paste this, however, fits here well too and am looking for advice as well!
My world was recently turned upside down as well! My wife of 6 years (together for 9), just spent the last 19 months dealing with her breast cancer. She too was diagnosed at the age of 27! She went through chemo, with me there all but one time (Her mother wanted to go and see what was needed if i was unavailable). After chemo was a bi-lateral mastectomy, one of her expanders became infected, months of medication, followed by the removal of the expander. During that time she was receiving radiation. Months later, the expander was placed back in, more recovery and then reconstruction. During that time I was there for her through it all!!!
April 6th she sends me a series of texts wanting to return to school, feeling that she hasn't accomplished much in life. (We have a 5yo, as well as 11yo and 13yo from my previous marriage). I explain that when she decided on a major, we would move forward. I then asked her if her sadness was due to me, to which she replied, "No, I love you to the moon and back".
April 9th she woke me early in the morning to tell me she needed space and time to think and that she was going to stay at her parents.
Today she told me, "I will always love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore". "I'm too young for such responsibilty". She also told her best friend, "Life's too short to be unhappy".
I am completely devasted and just broken as of now. She's my best friend! We've been through hell and back, me NEVER leaving her side! And now this!
I REFUSE to give up! Not unless some other man is selected to take my place, I will not give up! She's right, life is too short! And I can't live it without her!
You mentioned lack of sex, my wife was prescribed Tamoxifen and the lowest dose of Effexor for her hot flashes. Her sex drive became less than zero. She would suck it up and have "Quickies", but to me it was more like conceptual rape and I hated it! Our sex life was awesome, however, I'd give it all up to have her next to me in bed right now, as opposed to me typing this!
Ok....I'll say it,..... This site stinks for support!
Where is all the support and suggestions???
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I really appreciate all ofSean_030306 said:Looking For Answers As Well!
I cut and paste this, however, fits here well too and am looking for advice as well!
My world was recently turned upside down as well! My wife of 6 years (together for 9), just spent the last 19 months dealing with her breast cancer. She too was diagnosed at the age of 27! She went through chemo, with me there all but one time (Her mother wanted to go and see what was needed if i was unavailable). After chemo was a bi-lateral mastectomy, one of her expanders became infected, months of medication, followed by the removal of the expander. During that time she was receiving radiation. Months later, the expander was placed back in, more recovery and then reconstruction. During that time I was there for her through it all!!!
April 6th she sends me a series of texts wanting to return to school, feeling that she hasn't accomplished much in life. (We have a 5yo, as well as 11yo and 13yo from my previous marriage). I explain that when she decided on a major, we would move forward. I then asked her if her sadness was due to me, to which she replied, "No, I love you to the moon and back".
April 9th she woke me early in the morning to tell me she needed space and time to think and that she was going to stay at her parents.
Today she told me, "I will always love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore". "I'm too young for such responsibilty". She also told her best friend, "Life's too short to be unhappy".
I am completely devasted and just broken as of now. She's my best friend! We've been through hell and back, me NEVER leaving her side! And now this!
I REFUSE to give up! Not unless some other man is selected to take my place, I will not give up! She's right, life is too short! And I can't live it without her!
You mentioned lack of sex, my wife was prescribed Tamoxifen and the lowest dose of Effexor for her hot flashes. Her sex drive became less than zero. She would suck it up and have "Quickies", but to me it was more like conceptual rape and I hated it! Our sex life was awesome, however, I'd give it all up to have her next to me in bed right now, as opposed to me typing this!
I really appreciate all of your posts. I only check in from time to time, and was happy to see the new posts. It does help to know you are not alone. I know in my heart that I did the best I could during an extemely tough time. There is no handbook and there are no easy answers.
I feel like I was going to fail regardless (even if I walked on water). To go from 3yo, a new home, and wonderful emails about what a great father and husband I am, to having the word love removed from her vocabulary because I said I needed to hear it more and to have our love life end immediately after starting Keppra tells me that I shouldn't blame myself as much as I do. Despite feeling like I stepped up three fold and was proud of my efforts, I'm told that I caused the disconnect - you start to believe it. But any logical person can read those emails and watch them trend from love to disdain. I feel genuinely bad for anyone that has gone through or has felt a loss of this nature - watching the love of your life change and abandon you. How could a person give up on someone who cares so much for their family?
Again, thank you for the replies and please send positive energy that she'll accept my recent request to attend additional therapy.
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I hope so, tooCS52461 said:I really appreciate all of
I really appreciate all of your posts. I only check in from time to time, and was happy to see the new posts. It does help to know you are not alone. I know in my heart that I did the best I could during an extemely tough time. There is no handbook and there are no easy answers.
I feel like I was going to fail regardless (even if I walked on water). To go from 3yo, a new home, and wonderful emails about what a great father and husband I am, to having the word love removed from her vocabulary because I said I needed to hear it more and to have our love life end immediately after starting Keppra tells me that I shouldn't blame myself as much as I do. Despite feeling like I stepped up three fold and was proud of my efforts, I'm told that I caused the disconnect - you start to believe it. But any logical person can read those emails and watch them trend from love to disdain. I feel genuinely bad for anyone that has gone through or has felt a loss of this nature - watching the love of your life change and abandon you. How could a person give up on someone who cares so much for their family?
Again, thank you for the replies and please send positive energy that she'll accept my recent request to attend additional therapy.
Therapy is risky for anyone unwilling to accept responsibility but maybe she will step up,cs.
Take care of yourself and develop support for this situation. This could be a long lasting struggle for you.
And please remember the new normal cancer patients develop impacts their loved ones at least as much as it does the patient and it touches every part of our lives.
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