Dealing with myself

Hello all, 

This is my first round of being a care givBack in August, two weeks after my wife and I weremarried, she was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in her life. At 29, just after getting married, a second diagnosis shattered our happy new world. I didn't know her when she had her first bout of cancer, but had went through dialysis and a kidney treatment myself at the age of 28. So, I thought my understanding and coping skills were superior to that of those who haven't experienced a life-threatening disease. In some ways I was correct.

I was more understanding and careful about what I said, I participated in every appointment and treatment, and I always listened. The problem was that I wasn't doing a great job of taking care of myself. I thought I had done an amazing job. Three weeks ago we received the amazing news that the treatments had eradicated the cancer and legions in her bones. As this is metastatic cancer, we will need to continuethe treatments to prevent any future reoccurrences. We were elated.

At this point I need to take a step back and explain about the difference in my wife and my coping mechanisms. She sinks into a dark place and often stares off into space brooding over her diagnosis. This isI understandable since she was douled out such a crummy scoope of luck. However, this has been a behavior that is engrained within her ever since we first met. The cancer, and some of the medications which have unfairly thrown her potto early menopause atthe age of 29 has enhanced these behaviors. With that said, it's important that you understand that I am verydifferent. I believe that thinking positive, in a realistic way is the key to freedom from the chains of the mind, and can be somewhat beneficial in combatting disease. I'm not here to prove that my approach is better, but  to ask for help in correcting a grievous error on my part.

I didn't cope with my feelings enough. My and I got into a huge fight 5 days ago that culminated in me putting a hole in the door behind where I was standing when I swung backwards. I also listed some personality traits I didn't like about her in a loud threatening voice. Needless to say, she was frightened by my actions and words. Never in my life have I thought I there'd have the ability to make someone feel threatened. Especially the woman I hold so dear. Although my wife can be stubborn with pride, I never should have acted the way I did. I'm ashamed of the man I was that night. I've sincerely apologized for my behavior several times over the past five days. She's asked for space I've given it. I sleep on the couch, I'm not invited to events with her friends, and now she made plans to go to treatment with her sister sitting next to her instead of me in five days. This is the first time she's never wanted me there with her.

I realize after conversations with my mother and my wife that the anger had been residual from the last five months, and was unfairly thrust upon her when we fought. We used to compromise and had found a comfortable and understanding way to disagree. But the cancer diagnosis changed all of that. She doesn't trust me now, and I feel like everything I've done up to this point has become irrelevant, and at this point I feel like she is punishing me. Because she keeps asking for space, it's hard to demonstrate or show her that I'm still the man she married.

Ive set up time to meet with a counselor to figure out how to deal with my feelings of anger towards the world for my wife's sufferings. I'm a good man and I love my wife with all that I am. I feel as though she is letting one event define her perception of me. Has anyone else experienced something like this?