I don't know if this is good or how bad this is? I'm getting tired of figthing....

Tired of fighting what? A deep breath and then we deal with whatever it is.

I find it hard to believe that we dont all have days like these. We are all supposed to be brave and 'beat' this disease through some superhuman psychic effort. Well, there are some days I just want to raise two furious fingers (you Americans only use 1) at everything. The disease. The world that allows this disease to exist. My pain. My families pain. The facade we are expected to wear as we bravely confront our predicament.

Well screw that!

On the other hand, Ive seen more christmasses than I would have had I got this disease 10 years ago. I'll take that

I've seen more sunrises. I'll take that.

I have the reciprocal and supportive love of my family

I have recieved love and support from the adults and students I work with

I must be the only Athiest who is being prayed for in churches, mosques and synagogues across 3 continents

It aint so bad

We are absolutely allowed to have dark days; we've got CANCER ferchrissakes!

If we cant get pissed off at THAT what CAN we get pissed off at?

I agree with the statements of the others here!  This disease sucks and we are entitled to have a bad day every now and then.  However, fighting is not only our best option, it is our only option.  We can send a big 1 finger salute to Cancer.  We can press on by living each day move vigorously than the day before, cancer be damned!  We are not just fighters, we are warriors, those that take up arms against the evil that is lurking far beneath our skin, well inside our organs, muslces, bones, etc.  And there is only one way to fight that sort of evil, by starting where your soul rests, mentally digging in and looking cancer dead in the eye and saying, "NOT TODAY!"  Cancer can never win over us, it may rob us of our earthly form, it may take away some or all of our daily routing, but it can not ever truly win!

VCCORTES713 I pray that you continue to press on and again as others have said, we are all here in the forum to help where we can.  Obviously there are many far more inteligent than I am concerning your specfic cancer and fight, but I will pray for you and hope that you continue to draw strength from the many right here fighting this fight with you.  You are not alone and will never be!

God Bless!

Djinnie said:

The heading is self explanatory!

I think we get a sense of what you are trying to post vc, many of us are walking in not dissimilar shoes to you right now. I have been on an extended time out for pretty much the same reason, to try and get my head on straight and get a better perspective on my problems, we are all doing battle 24/7 and it's bloody tiring. You have to try to live your life despite the cancer try not to focus on it directly, it's not easy I know that only too well but it's doable. I try to think of cancer as being the smallest and most insignificant slice on my life's plate, the sense of me, my family and friends and just living, overflow on the rest of it. That's the same for you too, try to stay strong and above all don't lose heart:)

 

Djinnie x

You guys are my heros. Your courage and compassion humble me. Bless you all.

vccortes713 said:

Thanks for all your

Thanks for all your support....I was trying to cut and paste the results of my recent CT Scan but for some reason it didn't went through.... So I will try to type it in here.....

CT Abdomen and Pelvis Infused

Again identified is a right nephrectomy. There is no evidence of local tumor reccurence. within the inferior pole of the left kidney is a small hypoattenuating lession that is unchange from January 2014 CT. The portal vein, right renal vein, and left renal vein are unremarkable. There is no pathologically enlarge retriperitonial, intra abdominal or pelvic lymp nodes. The liver, spleen, adrenals and pancreas are unremarkable. The prostate is enlarge. There is a small fat containing paraumbilical hernia. There are no aggresive osseous lessions. 

Impression

No evidence of local tumor recurrence. No evidence of metastatic disease to the abdomen or pelvis.

 

CT chest infused

No pleural or pericardialeffusions are identified. 

The previously identified enlarge posterior mediastinal lymp nodes have decrease in size since the prior study. The previously identified enhancing the right internal mammary lymp node haave also regressed in size. Nonew enlarging thoracic lymp nodes are identified.

The central airways remain patent. Again identified multiple bilateral pulmonary nodules, in keeping with pulmonary metastatic disease. Many bodules have decrease in size in the interim. For example, the previously identified nodule in the extreme right lung base which measures 1.1 cm now measures 9 mm. No new pulmonary nodules or masses have been identified.

There has been progression of lytic destruction and soft tissue metastasis involving the right posterior sixth rib. There is also been progression of lytic metastasis involving the right posterior eight rib. No other osseous abnormality is identified.

Impression

There has been improvement in mediastinal lymp node enlargement and pulmonary metastatic disease

There has been progression of osseous metastatic disease involving the right posterior sixth and eight ribs describe.

 

Its been a year since my diagnosis and I was hoping for the CT Scan to be nothing but improvements......It would have been nice to at least have a break from receiving bad results.... Right now my oncologist gave me 3 weeks break on sutent because I still couldn't tolerate the extreme fatigue side effect of sutent even on 1 week on 1 week off regimen......All I do everyday is sleep, watch tv, go dowstair a bit then go back to bed again......For the entire year all was suffering, pain, anxiety, exaustion.....Sometimes I feel so tired of being tired......and until now I still couldn't stop worrying and accept that I will be dying soon and that's the hardest thing.....Not even my strong faith in God can give me peace of mind..... I feel so helpless......and hopeless.....

You had me worried there for a bit. I'm no expert but that report reads rather well.

As for your final paragraph. I've been there or in the neighbourhood, I bet we all have. I get so weary, and I get so tired. Sutent gives me the runs that Usian Bolt would be jealous off. I nearly crapped myself at school today, but just made the bathroom in time. BUT I MADE THE BATHROOM IN TIME! :-)

I know I'm going to die, but then I always was. Hell, I nearly died last year in the ICU when my IL2 went bananas. In fact I got so close to death it kind of feels like I did. Every day now is a bonus. aNOTHER DAY WITH MY WIFE and kids

Sure I'm going to die but I AINT DEAD YET. AND I AINT GONNA DIE TODAY

aND cHRIST i'M WEARY, BUT WHO HASNT EVER BEEN WEARY? I can cope with that

God bits hurt, but bits have hurt before, when I mashed a bunch of bones running down a lovely elderly Swiss couple on my motorcycle. That hurt a whole bunch.! I can cope with that.

I'm gonna go home from work in a minute, pour myself a gin and tonic and take a handful of my tablets with a cup of tea (probably not best to mix the tablets with the gin. Then I will sleep.

I'll wake up after a few hours and have Steak and chips, most of which I wont eat because my appetite is screwed, but I will enjoy what I do eat.

I cant give advice, and I dont know whether sharing what I feel helps. I dont believe in God. A christian asked me who I prayed to when in the ICU, I answered honestly 'The Doctor and nurses.'

I cant walk very far; the Cancer and the treatment, aggravated arthritis in my hip. Hurts like buggery! And how do you run for the bathroom when your legs dont function? Oh cruel cosmic joke!!

We are going to die, dont know where dont know when. Just like everyone else

But we AINT DEAD YET AND YOU AND ME ARE WALKING, TALKING, BREATHING, UNIQUE INDIVIDUALS NEVER SEEN BEFORE AND NEVER REPLICATED AGAIN. Each moment of this life, tainted as it may be is still an amazing miracle of existance. Every breath is a victory and every breath is the sound of life fighting against this fcking diease. Listen to your breathing. It is the sound of hope.

I hope this may help. I may have said too much. I may have said too little. I may have said totally the wrong things, I hope not. Sometimes we all get attacked by what Churchill called the 'black dog' of depression. When that happens to me, I need help, and its always been there. This foul disease has ironically shown me how many truly great people there are in the world. Anyway hang on in there, I may need your help next time the black dog bites me.

Footstomper said:

Great to hear from you!

You had me worried there for a bit. I'm no expert but that report reads rather well.

As for your final paragraph. I've been there or in the neighbourhood, I bet we all have. I get so weary, and I get so tired. Sutent gives me the runs that Usian Bolt would be jealous off. I nearly crapped myself at school today, but just made the bathroom in time. BUT I MADE THE BATHROOM IN TIME! :-)

I know I'm going to die, but then I always was. Hell, I nearly died last year in the ICU when my IL2 went bananas. In fact I got so close to death it kind of feels like I did. Every day now is a bonus. aNOTHER DAY WITH MY WIFE and kids

Sure I'm going to die but I AINT DEAD YET. AND I AINT GONNA DIE TODAY

aND cHRIST i'M WEARY, BUT WHO HASNT EVER BEEN WEARY? I can cope with that

God bits hurt, but bits have hurt before, when I mashed a bunch of bones running down a lovely elderly Swiss couple on my motorcycle. That hurt a whole bunch.! I can cope with that.

I'm gonna go home from work in a minute, pour myself a gin and tonic and take a handful of my tablets with a cup of tea (probably not best to mix the tablets with the gin. Then I will sleep.

I'll wake up after a few hours and have Steak and chips, most of which I wont eat because my appetite is screwed, but I will enjoy what I do eat.

I cant give advice, and I dont know whether sharing what I feel helps. I dont believe in God. A christian asked me who I prayed to when in the ICU, I answered honestly 'The Doctor and nurses.'

I cant walk very far; the Cancer and the treatment, aggravated arthritis in my hip. Hurts like buggery! And how do you run for the bathroom when your legs dont function? Oh cruel cosmic joke!!

We are going to die, dont know where dont know when. Just like everyone else

But we AINT DEAD YET AND YOU AND ME ARE WALKING, TALKING, BREATHING, UNIQUE INDIVIDUALS NEVER SEEN BEFORE AND NEVER REPLICATED AGAIN. Each moment of this life, tainted as it may be is still an amazing miracle of existance. Every breath is a victory and every breath is the sound of life fighting against this fcking diease. Listen to your breathing. It is the sound of hope.

I hope this may help. I may have said too much. I may have said too little. I may have said totally the wrong things, I hope not. Sometimes we all get attacked by what Churchill called the 'black dog' of depression. When that happens to me, I need help, and its always been there. This foul disease has ironically shown me how many truly great people there are in the world. Anyway hang on in there, I may need your help next time the black dog bites me.

You just keep on, keeping on.  Your report looks pretty good to me.  Having been to the point to have 2 more surgeries for kidney cancer, each a year apart after the original, I know what that boomerang effect can have on the mind.

And they were able to remove the enlarging node on surgery #3, but I caused quite a bit of problem with needing a crash cart, the nurses calling a "code", and them nearly losing me after getting to the nursing floor. So here I am, almost 5 years later...having the good days and the not always great days.

But here's what I try to find with each day; and remember, I live about 3-4 miles from the ocean on the southern Oregon Coast.

I walked out of Safeway yesterday into the warm air in the middle of a "high" weather front.  Very warm.  The sea gulls were circling the lot after coming in off the waves and were looking for food.  All of a sudden, a gust of wind brought the smell of freshly baking bread from the back vents of the store.  I knew we were in for the predicted rain storm and it hit that afternoon with a vengance.  The daffodils are starting to bloom, a red-tailed hawk sits on the line near my office waiting for a meal to peak out of the grass, and my old cat likes to sit on my lap as I type this.

There is more than just fighting cancer and existing.  You can enjoy the journey and the small visions, smells, and experiences that create joy and calmness in your day.

Frustration- yes, anger-yes, pain-sometimes, quit-not yet.  Until later, live to the fullest.

Hugs.

Donna

Footstomper said:

Great to hear from you!

You had me worried there for a bit. I'm no expert but that report reads rather well.

As for your final paragraph. I've been there or in the neighbourhood, I bet we all have. I get so weary, and I get so tired. Sutent gives me the runs that Usian Bolt would be jealous off. I nearly crapped myself at school today, but just made the bathroom in time. BUT I MADE THE BATHROOM IN TIME! :-)

I know I'm going to die, but then I always was. Hell, I nearly died last year in the ICU when my IL2 went bananas. In fact I got so close to death it kind of feels like I did. Every day now is a bonus. aNOTHER DAY WITH MY WIFE and kids

Sure I'm going to die but I AINT DEAD YET. AND I AINT GONNA DIE TODAY

aND cHRIST i'M WEARY, BUT WHO HASNT EVER BEEN WEARY? I can cope with that

God bits hurt, but bits have hurt before, when I mashed a bunch of bones running down a lovely elderly Swiss couple on my motorcycle. That hurt a whole bunch.! I can cope with that.

I'm gonna go home from work in a minute, pour myself a gin and tonic and take a handful of my tablets with a cup of tea (probably not best to mix the tablets with the gin. Then I will sleep.

I'll wake up after a few hours and have Steak and chips, most of which I wont eat because my appetite is screwed, but I will enjoy what I do eat.

I cant give advice, and I dont know whether sharing what I feel helps. I dont believe in God. A christian asked me who I prayed to when in the ICU, I answered honestly 'The Doctor and nurses.'

I cant walk very far; the Cancer and the treatment, aggravated arthritis in my hip. Hurts like buggery! And how do you run for the bathroom when your legs dont function? Oh cruel cosmic joke!!

We are going to die, dont know where dont know when. Just like everyone else

But we AINT DEAD YET AND YOU AND ME ARE WALKING, TALKING, BREATHING, UNIQUE INDIVIDUALS NEVER SEEN BEFORE AND NEVER REPLICATED AGAIN. Each moment of this life, tainted as it may be is still an amazing miracle of existance. Every breath is a victory and every breath is the sound of life fighting against this fcking diease. Listen to your breathing. It is the sound of hope.

I hope this may help. I may have said too much. I may have said too little. I may have said totally the wrong things, I hope not. Sometimes we all get attacked by what Churchill called the 'black dog' of depression. When that happens to me, I need help, and its always been there. This foul disease has ironically shown me how many truly great people there are in the world. Anyway hang on in there, I may need your help next time the black dog bites me.

Thanks for sharing that Stomper. All of it. I'm glad you posted it, because it helped ME.

Thank you. Thank you.

Todd

vccortes713 said:

Thanks for all your

Thanks for all your support....I was trying to cut and paste the results of my recent CT Scan but for some reason it didn't went through.... So I will try to type it in here.....

CT Abdomen and Pelvis Infused

Again identified is a right nephrectomy. There is no evidence of local tumor reccurence. within the inferior pole of the left kidney is a small hypoattenuating lession that is unchange from January 2014 CT. The portal vein, right renal vein, and left renal vein are unremarkable. There is no pathologically enlarge retriperitonial, intra abdominal or pelvic lymp nodes. The liver, spleen, adrenals and pancreas are unremarkable. The prostate is enlarge. There is a small fat containing paraumbilical hernia. There are no aggresive osseous lessions. 

Impression

No evidence of local tumor recurrence. No evidence of metastatic disease to the abdomen or pelvis.

 

CT chest infused

No pleural or pericardialeffusions are identified. 

The previously identified enlarge posterior mediastinal lymp nodes have decrease in size since the prior study. The previously identified enhancing the right internal mammary lymp node haave also regressed in size. Nonew enlarging thoracic lymp nodes are identified.

The central airways remain patent. Again identified multiple bilateral pulmonary nodules, in keeping with pulmonary metastatic disease. Many bodules have decrease in size in the interim. For example, the previously identified nodule in the extreme right lung base which measures 1.1 cm now measures 9 mm. No new pulmonary nodules or masses have been identified.

There has been progression of lytic destruction and soft tissue metastasis involving the right posterior sixth rib. There is also been progression of lytic metastasis involving the right posterior eight rib. No other osseous abnormality is identified.

Impression

There has been improvement in mediastinal lymp node enlargement and pulmonary metastatic disease

There has been progression of osseous metastatic disease involving the right posterior sixth and eight ribs describe.

 

Its been a year since my diagnosis and I was hoping for the CT Scan to be nothing but improvements......It would have been nice to at least have a break from receiving bad results.... Right now my oncologist gave me 3 weeks break on sutent because I still couldn't tolerate the extreme fatigue side effect of sutent even on 1 week on 1 week off regimen......All I do everyday is sleep, watch tv, go dowstair a bit then go back to bed again......For the entire year all was suffering, pain, anxiety, exaustion.....Sometimes I feel so tired of being tired......and until now I still couldn't stop worrying and accept that I will be dying soon and that's the hardest thing.....Not even my strong faith in God can give me peace of mind..... I feel so helpless......and hopeless.....

Hi, I am sorry your scan results were bitter sweet, it is often the way of it. I am glad to hear the lymph in your mediastim are reducing though, my lymph have caused constant coughing and almost complete loss of speaking ability. The exhaustion sounds very debilitating, I am not surprised you are depressed. I assume your Thyroid tests are fine? I am very surprised your doctor hasn't any advice to help you, my doctor gave me a tonic to take for my exhaustion plus B12.

Do you have family close by to help you or friends? You know this already but you really need to get yourself up and out of the house for a short time each day. Give yourself a reason to get up and dressed, the longer you stay in bed and lack stimuli the worse this will get. You don't know when you are going to die you could end up in remission, you have no idea. It's so important to live the time we have here on earth to the best of our ability. You have a lot more living to enjoy yet but you won't do it in bed, try finding one thing you would really enjoy getting involved in and throw yourself into it. Also it may help if you find some support groups near you that would help. Please don't feel so helpless and hopeless, there is never a moment without hope you have just lost sight of it temporarily. 

Let us know how you are getting on, everyone is here for you:)

Djinnie x