Hopeless, helpless, tired, DONE

steph67 Member Posts: 1

I am new to this forum, just registered today.  My husband is 53 years old, non smoker, healthy except for slightly overweight, and was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in July 2014 after severe acid reflux and barretts esophagus.  He had surgery in August 2014 to remove a stage 3 tumor.  My husband is career law enforcement, most recently in the field of corrections.  This has completely destroyed him physically and emotionally.  I don't even know who he is anymore.  He went from a strong, no excuses kind of person to a physically and mentally weak person, he complains day in and day out and spends endless time feeling sorry for himself.  I don't want to sound unsympahetic, but I am his only caregiver, we have no family support here in Texas and I am alone in this.  He has melt downs and threatens suicide.  He calls me names and picks fights with me.  His attitude goes against everything he believed in before.  I have my own health issues.  I had gastric bypass in 2001 and have endured 11 surgeries since then to fix issues.  I becamed addicted to precription meds during that time but have almost 5 years of sobriety now.  This is testing me to my limits.  I have done everything in my power to help him including refering him to my therapist who he sees every 2 weeks.  He doesn't listen to doctors, me, or friends.  He has been told that attitude is very important but he has always been somewhat of a negative person because of the terrible things he has seen in his life as a cop.  I have considered suicide because I feel so alone. He hasn't worked in 6 months and we are nearly broke and will be homeless soon.  His SSDI starts next month but it is barely enough to cover our rent and car note.  I am a positive person, but with no support myself I have nothing left to give to him, especially when he treats me so badly.  I have considered leaving him but I could never do that.  He stood by me through my addiction and I feel obligated to stand by him but honestly obligation is all that is keeping me here right now.  I want to give up but I thought that I would reach out on this forum for support hoping that others who have been through this could offer suggestions.  He went back to work two weeks but became sick again and ended up in the hospital with an impacted esophagus.  He is just not getting any better, can't keep food down, and has lost over 50 pounds.  I really need help I am ready to give up.


  • warrrior3
    warrrior3 Member Posts: 92
    I am so sorry you are in this

    I am so sorry you are in this position. I have never been a caretaker so I have no experience with what you are going through but felt the need to reach out to you. Please schedule an appointment with your therapist and read this letter out loud. The stress you are under is not good for your health.   I am a breast cancer survivor and have watched my sislaterite after  an 8 year battle with breast cancer.  

    No one knows what your husband is going through but that does not give him the right to treat you like he does. Nothing will change unless something changes. 

  • Hussy
    Hussy Member Posts: 29
    Please don't give up.  I too

    Please don't give up.  I too am a caretaker for my 53 year old husband and I understand how overwhelming and hopeless it can feel at times.  I agree with Warrior3 -- reach out to your therapist and tell him/her that you need to see him/her NOW.  Your therapist can help you compartmentalize your problems so that you can begin to chip away at them.  I'm glad you did something good for yourself by registering on this site.  Let me recommend another site you may find helpful .  It's www.caregiving.com.  It's a site for caregivers and it's a lot more active than the caregiver board on this site.  You will find more people to chat with.  Please check it out.  And please keep us posted.  You are not alone. 

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    Giving Care

    Being a caregiver is very hard even in the best of circumstances. I can understand your frustration. The number one rule of caregiving is to take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get some help. Call your therapist. Maybe couples therapy could help, too. Check with your husband's doctor for support groups in your area. The cancer support group my husband and I attended was really helpful. My husband was also acareer law inforcement guy, retired after 30 years. He resisted going to the group at first, but once he went he found the support good. He also found an answer to those who kept asking him how he was doing. He said, "It's a good day, I woke up." We were also very open with people. We knew from the beginning that he would probably not survive. We asked for prayers in our church and reported the good and bad parts of the journey to them. The support was wonderful, and our friends and family have continued supporting me. If you have a pastor, talk to him/her. We discovered that some friends really wanted to help but didn't know how. Ask for help and support from friends. Don't be afraid to talk to your local social services. Just remember that it is not selfish to take care of your needs first. You can't care for others until you care for yourself. Fay