How to give emotional support when you are the only one who knows

camillez
camillez Member Posts: 14
in Emotional Support #1

My boyfriend is 21 years old and has just been diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer.  His doctors are impressed with the state of his health however and gave him 2 years to live without treatment which is very uncommon for stage four from what I've been reading. They have prescribed him an 18 hour long laser surgery to get rid of the kidney tumor and the smaller nodules that have spread to his intestines, follwed by either radiotherapy or chemotherapy. They said they think they can get rid of the cancer. This makes me happy and think positively but also nervous because it goes against what I've heard and read about stage four kidney cancer. 

I am the only one he has told, he refuses to tell his family with whom he lives and literally has no support. He is even planning on going for surgery alone. He is very strong and taking full advantage of his days, his friends, his family. He is serious about getting his exams, taking his medication, seeing the doctors and planning for surgery, but I feel like he is still somewhat in denial. Doesn't he really need someone there? I am saving up money to go and see him but I know for sure I will not be able to make it there in time for the surgery.

I love him so much and want to be a source of positivity and support for him. I try my best. But I am also far away and the only person he is giving medical details to, so I fear that I will become his only source of sadness next to the doctors. He already pulls away sometimes when I ask him for details and he never really offers any new information, so I know he doesn't like to talk about it. I want him to feel like I respect his decisions but I am truely afraid that not having his parents involved is a big mistake. I almost want to tell them myself.

I have never experienced cancer first hand before. I was wondering if some of you could give me some advice on how to talk to him and help him through this as much as possible.

I would really appreciate your time and help. I don't know who else to go to.

Comments

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    #2
    Cancer

     

    My question would be why doesn't he want his family to know?  He needs them now and they will find out since he is living with them.

    Don't believe everything you read and hear either.  Doctors aren't God, they don't know, they can only guess.  My husband according to what I have read about his second primary cancer should be dead by now, but he is not. Even his doctors thought so.   Each person is different and each person reacts differently to treatment.

    I know people who have survived stage 4 and then again I know people who haven't survived when diagnosed at Stage 1 or 2.  

  • camillez
    camillez Member Posts: 14
    #3
    Ladylacy said:

    Cancer

     

    My question would be why doesn't he want his family to know?  He needs them now and they will find out since he is living with them.

    Don't believe everything you read and hear either.  Doctors aren't God, they don't know, they can only guess.  My husband according to what I have read about his second primary cancer should be dead by now, but he is not. Even his doctors thought so.   Each person is different and each person reacts differently to treatment.

    I know people who have survived stage 4 and then again I know people who haven't survived when diagnosed at Stage 1 or 2.  

    Thank you Ladylacy

    Thank you Ladylacy, your words and those of others on this forum really help.

    He says he doesn't want them to worry for now, doesn't want the added attention, and feels more confident taking care of this on his own at the moment. He is doing everything else right, keeping busy, taking care of himself, taking advantage of every moment he has, acknowledges his fears, he is doing everything the doctors ask of him, takes the meds they have prescribed, he prays, he is positive.

    He doesn't want anyone at the surgery even though he will be under for a minimum of 18 hours. He just has planned on having an aquaintance who does not know what he will be in the hospital for pick him up to drive him halfway home.

    I have tried to see if I can come up with enough money for a plane ticket  to be there when he wakes up but it seems impossible. I don't know how I am going to handle him going under surgery for all that time and not knowing what's going on, knowing that noone will be there with him, not being able to support him. I just don't know what the best thing is to do.

  • NANCYL1
    NANCYL1 Member Posts: 289
    #4
    THE NEED FOR SUPPORT

    Camillez:

    I have Lymphoma, B Cell, stage 4.  Had 2 years of Rituxan infusions.  Oncologist said I am doing well.

    The prognosis for your boyfriend sounds very good.    But I do think that he will need support from friends and family.  I think that men like to be "tough guys."   And I do think you need support also, especially when you are trying to do this long distance.   Support is very important.

    I noticed that you are on the Kidney board.

    I am usually on the Lymphoma board.

    Let us know how you are doing. 

    Nancy

  • Ouch_Ouch_Ouch
    Ouch_Ouch_Ouch Member Posts: 508 Member
    #5
    camillez said:

    Thank you Ladylacy

    Thank you Ladylacy, your words and those of others on this forum really help.

    He says he doesn't want them to worry for now, doesn't want the added attention, and feels more confident taking care of this on his own at the moment. He is doing everything else right, keeping busy, taking care of himself, taking advantage of every moment he has, acknowledges his fears, he is doing everything the doctors ask of him, takes the meds they have prescribed, he prays, he is positive.

    He doesn't want anyone at the surgery even though he will be under for a minimum of 18 hours. He just has planned on having an aquaintance who does not know what he will be in the hospital for pick him up to drive him halfway home.

    I have tried to see if I can come up with enough money for a plane ticket  to be there when he wakes up but it seems impossible. I don't know how I am going to handle him going under surgery for all that time and not knowing what's going on, knowing that noone will be there with him, not being able to support him. I just don't know what the best thing is to do.

    Consider more planning.

    Your beloved may discover too late that he'll be unable to drive himself that last half-way home without being a menace to himself and others (pain, pain medications, and physical limitations). He may wind up having to stay at the friend's house a few days. If there are any complications, he may not be released from the hospital at all. If he attempts to leave without medical consent (as is his right to do), he may discover that the insurance company will not cover the procedure. I fear that he's painting himself into a corner by not thinking things through.

    Meanwhile, when he goes in for his surgery, he can grant permission for the staff to share information with the persons of his choice. Make sure that he includes you in the list (he may have to give you a password code to use). That way, even if you're not there, you can call periodically for updates. That will be some comfort, at least.

    The best to you both.

Discussion Boards