I don't know how to help him

camillez
camillez Member Posts: 14
in Caregivers #1

My boyfriend is 21 years old and has just been diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer.  His doctors are impressed with the state of his health however and gave him 2 years to live without treatment which is very uncommon for stage four from what I've been reading. They have prescribed him an 18 hour long laser surgery to get rid of the kidney tumor and the smaller nodules that have spread to his intestines, follwed by either radiotherapy or chemotherapy. They said they think they can get rid of the cancer. This makes me happy and think positively but also nervous because it goes against what I've heard and read about stage four kidney cancer. 

I am the only one he has told, he refuses to tell his family with whom he lives and literally has no support. He is even planning on going for surgery alone. He is very strong and taking full advantage of his days, his friends, his family. He is serious about getting his exams, taking his medication, seeing the doctors and planning for surgery, but I feel like he is still somewhat in denial. Doesn't he really need someone there? I am saving up money to go and see him but I know for sure I will not be able to make it there in time for the surgery.

I love him so much and want to be a source of positivity and support for him. I try my best. But I am also far away and the only person he is giving medical details to, so I fear that I will become his only source of sadness next to the doctors. I want him to feel like I respect his decisions but I am truely afraid that not having his parents involved is a big mistake. I almost want to tell them myself.

I have never experienced cancer first hand before. I was wondering if some of you could give me some advice on how to talk to him and help him through this as much as possible.

I would really appreciate your time and help. I don't know who else to go to.

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Support

    My husband fought cancer for 6 years before losing his battle 5 years ago. The literature at the time said the survival time for stage 4 colon cancer was 22 months. I can only tell you about our experiences which may or may not be helpful. We decided to share his dx with family, friends, and our church family from the beginning. Even now, I have people thanking me for allowing them to come on our Cancer journey with us. They felt that it was a privilege to be included. The love, support, and prayers that we felt were very uplifting. I say "we decided" because I felt it was a joint decision, but it was really his decision. I would have supported him whatever decision he had made. For us, though, it was the right choice. Your boyfriend is going to need support, and I suspect some care after his surgery. He may feel that he is shielding his family from the pain of his dx, but I doubt they would agree. As a mother and grandmother, I would want to know. I would want to support him.  I would want to share his journey. I can't even imagine how hurt I would be if one of my sons had your boyfriend's dx, but I know I would be even more hurt to discover he was hiding something like this from me  

    For now, all you can do is be there for him. The decision to tell or not tell is his. Be the best friend you can be and take care of yourself, too.  Fay

  • camillez
    camillez Member Posts: 14
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    Support

    My husband fought cancer for 6 years before losing his battle 5 years ago. The literature at the time said the survival time for stage 4 colon cancer was 22 months. I can only tell you about our experiences which may or may not be helpful. We decided to share his dx with family, friends, and our church family from the beginning. Even now, I have people thanking me for allowing them to come on our Cancer journey with us. They felt that it was a privilege to be included. The love, support, and prayers that we felt were very uplifting. I say "we decided" because I felt it was a joint decision, but it was really his decision. I would have supported him whatever decision he had made. For us, though, it was the right choice. Your boyfriend is going to need support, and I suspect some care after his surgery. He may feel that he is shielding his family from the pain of his dx, but I doubt they would agree. As a mother and grandmother, I would want to know. I would want to support him.  I would want to share his journey. I can't even imagine how hurt I would be if one of my sons had your boyfriend's dx, but I know I would be even more hurt to discover he was hiding something like this from me  

    For now, all you can do is be there for him. The decision to tell or not tell is his. Be the best friend you can be and take care of yourself, too.  Fay

    Thank you

    Dear grandmafay,

    Everytime I read your post I cry out of both joy and sadness. Thank you for your words and for sharing your experience with me. I am very sorry about your husband.  Your couple seems to have been so strong and beautiful. A true inspiration. I can only hope that he will allow me to be there for him in that way. 

    Much love to you and your family and friends,

    Camille

     

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