Panic and Dread
So why do I lay awake at night and just KNOW that it's going to return. Why do I think about it almost every waking minute? I have read that this is normal, but how long does all this last?
To my hubby it's a closed box, put away, never to be revisited. I'd love to feel that way, but am still consumed. Do I just need to be more active?
Philippians 4:6 (New International Version)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
So I try that, but telling myself not to be anxious doesn't always work.
Any tips??
Thanks!
Kew
Comments
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I think all of us get
I think all of us get anxious. Once, diagnosed it seems as if we are waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. It does get better. Can't tell you how long it took me but I would definitely say at least 3 months to begin to relax a little. Now, I only get anxious when I have to go for the mamo and other tests. I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma last June and finished my treatments last November. I can't believe that it will be almost a year that I finished chemo. Since, I had a mastectomy and all nodes removed were clean I didn't have to go through radiation. Kew, it does get better. Have faith. Hugs, Lili0 -
I think that everyone
I think that everyone worries...and it seems to hit hard after treatment. At least it did me. I finished treatment just a little before you and I am just now feeling better. Part of it is that after a while I just couldn't worry any new worries and I got tired of the old ones. I think of thoughts as having energy. We think something, and then energy accompanies it in order to act. But with this, it is like the energy comes first. After being consumed with "C" during treatment, we are still humming that tune. So our mind provides some scary thoughts to go with all that enenrgy. We feel tense, on guard, therefore we worry instead of the other way around. Time will help, but do try to fill that time with energy spent in another direction. Trick your brain! Yoga has been wonderful for me because I started it after TX and I seem to be able to replace "C" thoughts with yoga thoughts. Redirect the worries, rather than just waiting for them to disappear.
That is the best advice I can give. But perhaps more meaningful is a heartfelt "I know, its tough!" from someone who is there too! love and hugs, Joyce0 -
Just an Idea
My favorite nurse when I was first diagnosed pointed out that I would have a lot of support when I was first diagnosed. She said the day would come though that I might benefit from a support group. Boy was she right! When I was first diagnosed, flowers came to the door, cards arrived in bundles, folks made soup and care packages. Everybody called on the phone or came by to talk. Once the immediate crisis passed though, they were ready to go on and help out someone else with whatever their immediate crisis was. They figured I was taken care of. They thought I was "okay" and "over it". My husband (who is not known as the most empathetic person in the world) said point blank that he didn't have cancer and didn't want to deal with it any more. He didn't want to talk about it, hear about it, or bother with it except on the few days each year I had to go to the doctor (then only if HE had to drive). He wanted life back to "normal", which meant like before I had cancer. Except of course, I still was reeling from being diagnosed with a killer disease and still felt far from "normal", whatever that is. When I finally got tired enough of sleepless nights, repeating thoughts of getting diagnosed (flashbacks?), and feeling less than "perky", I talked to the hospital social worker at my oncology clinic. She recommended a support group with arms and found one at the Wellness Community that had recently set up a house four miles from my house. You would have to know that I drove 100 miles to see the social worker to understand how funny that was! Anyhow, I ended up talking with cancer survivors there who understood what it is like to live after diagnosis. It really helped a lot. Nowdays, this board is sufficient, but I know my group with arms is close by if needed. Folks without cancer don't always understand the emotional toll that diagnosis brings, but other survivors do. Talking about stuff helps. Exercise (anything you enjoy, will do daily for at least an hour, and makes you sweat) also helps. I work out at the gym at the uncommon hour of 5:30-6:30 am. There are no missed appointments or demands on my time at that hour of the day. People are crazy at that hour, but fun. Avoiding caffine and eating right helps a little too. If putting all that together with scripture isn't enough, then ask your doctor for more help. Cancer diagnosis alone, not even including cancer treatment which is also traumatic, can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and so-called "normal" conditions that are boardering on it. Anything that threatens human beings causes it: war, hold-ups, violence, a diagnosis of cancer. You don't have to think very hard to realize the similarities. Even if you are okay physically, the emotional wounds linger. The cure for PTSD is everything mentioned above. The more you talk about, write about, draw about or otherwise express yourself about the event in a supportive atmosphere, the more control you feel. A healthy routine with lots of exercise and a good diet helps. Avoiding drugs like caffine helps. Medicines sometimes are beneficial. Don't suffer. Do what you can. Ask for help if you need it. Life is too short to be worried and miserable!
C. Abbott0 -
Even though you didn't writecabbott said:Just an Idea
My favorite nurse when I was first diagnosed pointed out that I would have a lot of support when I was first diagnosed. She said the day would come though that I might benefit from a support group. Boy was she right! When I was first diagnosed, flowers came to the door, cards arrived in bundles, folks made soup and care packages. Everybody called on the phone or came by to talk. Once the immediate crisis passed though, they were ready to go on and help out someone else with whatever their immediate crisis was. They figured I was taken care of. They thought I was "okay" and "over it". My husband (who is not known as the most empathetic person in the world) said point blank that he didn't have cancer and didn't want to deal with it any more. He didn't want to talk about it, hear about it, or bother with it except on the few days each year I had to go to the doctor (then only if HE had to drive). He wanted life back to "normal", which meant like before I had cancer. Except of course, I still was reeling from being diagnosed with a killer disease and still felt far from "normal", whatever that is. When I finally got tired enough of sleepless nights, repeating thoughts of getting diagnosed (flashbacks?), and feeling less than "perky", I talked to the hospital social worker at my oncology clinic. She recommended a support group with arms and found one at the Wellness Community that had recently set up a house four miles from my house. You would have to know that I drove 100 miles to see the social worker to understand how funny that was! Anyhow, I ended up talking with cancer survivors there who understood what it is like to live after diagnosis. It really helped a lot. Nowdays, this board is sufficient, but I know my group with arms is close by if needed. Folks without cancer don't always understand the emotional toll that diagnosis brings, but other survivors do. Talking about stuff helps. Exercise (anything you enjoy, will do daily for at least an hour, and makes you sweat) also helps. I work out at the gym at the uncommon hour of 5:30-6:30 am. There are no missed appointments or demands on my time at that hour of the day. People are crazy at that hour, but fun. Avoiding caffine and eating right helps a little too. If putting all that together with scripture isn't enough, then ask your doctor for more help. Cancer diagnosis alone, not even including cancer treatment which is also traumatic, can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and so-called "normal" conditions that are boardering on it. Anything that threatens human beings causes it: war, hold-ups, violence, a diagnosis of cancer. You don't have to think very hard to realize the similarities. Even if you are okay physically, the emotional wounds linger. The cure for PTSD is everything mentioned above. The more you talk about, write about, draw about or otherwise express yourself about the event in a supportive atmosphere, the more control you feel. A healthy routine with lots of exercise and a good diet helps. Avoiding drugs like caffine helps. Medicines sometimes are beneficial. Don't suffer. Do what you can. Ask for help if you need it. Life is too short to be worried and miserable!
C. Abbott
Even though you didn't write that for me directly, I enjoyed reading it and feel strengthened. Thanks, C.Abbott love, Joyce0 -
After Treatment
I hope no one ever makes repetion of analogies illegal, or I will be either silenced or imprisoned! Most of you know what I am going to say...just ignore this post and read another one instead!! :-)
Ok...when I finished my treatment, I cried as hard as I did when I first had my first IV needle stuck into my hand ( pre-port) I truly felt as if I was on a tightrope without a safety net, and OMG~ what was going to be the barrier between me and BC without chemo and rads doing battle???? I was beyond scared!
Slowly but surely , the other shoe which was waiting to drop stopped being a size 12 steel toed work boot, and is now ( most of the time, anyway) a soft baby shoe.
Support and caring~ how many baby showers have you been to? All of the pre-baby attention is amazing, isn't it? Even strangers feel free to comment on belly size, ask the due date, and some even pat the protuding belly, don't they??? And yet, where are the friends and family when the mom REALLY needs the help? When the baby is born and the new mama is getting no sleep and is afraid at every turn that she is not doing everything right, etc etc etc. It is similar now~ the what IS cancer to many has become what WAS cancer..and emotionally they go back to being who they were before you were diagnosed.
Your hubby falls into that category~ many do. It doesn't loom so large in his life anymore. You are not in treatment, you don't have cancer, you are a SURVIVOR!!!!
And finally...if you are a Harry Potter reader, I have often likened CSN ( or any cancer center/support) to Hogwarts, and those family/friends on the "outside" as the Muggles. We are in a place we cannot quite explain, we bond and communicate with words that seem foreign to our family. The Muggles may not be our ememy of course, but they really just don't "get it".
I didn't actually believe that I would ever feel comfortable in my skin and that Cancer wouldn't fill my every waking thought. But, I am now 5 1/2 years out, and I have truly worked hard to make these days count. I am not a Pollyanna, but I think all of us here face the reality that life as we know it can change very quickly. I just got word that a dear friend of mine from high school died~ and the obituary was a glowing review of her life, and the people she touched with her smile and benevolent ways. She died INSTANTLY of a brain aneurysm...no advance warning/knowledge. You, on the other hand got the proverbial wake-up call...and you have the time NOW to perhaps do things you have been putting off. Only you can know what those things are. In so doing, that peace of God you referenced will fill the spaces in your heart and mind.
Sorry to have rambled~but I hope it gives you food for thought!
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
I read the whole thing,chenheart said:After Treatment
I hope no one ever makes repetion of analogies illegal, or I will be either silenced or imprisoned! Most of you know what I am going to say...just ignore this post and read another one instead!! :-)
Ok...when I finished my treatment, I cried as hard as I did when I first had my first IV needle stuck into my hand ( pre-port) I truly felt as if I was on a tightrope without a safety net, and OMG~ what was going to be the barrier between me and BC without chemo and rads doing battle???? I was beyond scared!
Slowly but surely , the other shoe which was waiting to drop stopped being a size 12 steel toed work boot, and is now ( most of the time, anyway) a soft baby shoe.
Support and caring~ how many baby showers have you been to? All of the pre-baby attention is amazing, isn't it? Even strangers feel free to comment on belly size, ask the due date, and some even pat the protuding belly, don't they??? And yet, where are the friends and family when the mom REALLY needs the help? When the baby is born and the new mama is getting no sleep and is afraid at every turn that she is not doing everything right, etc etc etc. It is similar now~ the what IS cancer to many has become what WAS cancer..and emotionally they go back to being who they were before you were diagnosed.
Your hubby falls into that category~ many do. It doesn't loom so large in his life anymore. You are not in treatment, you don't have cancer, you are a SURVIVOR!!!!
And finally...if you are a Harry Potter reader, I have often likened CSN ( or any cancer center/support) to Hogwarts, and those family/friends on the "outside" as the Muggles. We are in a place we cannot quite explain, we bond and communicate with words that seem foreign to our family. The Muggles may not be our ememy of course, but they really just don't "get it".
I didn't actually believe that I would ever feel comfortable in my skin and that Cancer wouldn't fill my every waking thought. But, I am now 5 1/2 years out, and I have truly worked hard to make these days count. I am not a Pollyanna, but I think all of us here face the reality that life as we know it can change very quickly. I just got word that a dear friend of mine from high school died~ and the obituary was a glowing review of her life, and the people she touched with her smile and benevolent ways. She died INSTANTLY of a brain aneurysm...no advance warning/knowledge. You, on the other hand got the proverbial wake-up call...and you have the time NOW to perhaps do things you have been putting off. Only you can know what those things are. In so doing, that peace of God you referenced will fill the spaces in your heart and mind.
Sorry to have rambled~but I hope it gives you food for thought!
Hugs,
Claudia
I read the whole thing, Claudia, repititions and all. And I just can't hear it enough! Thanks for your caring words and self. Love, Joyce0 -
Claudia, I read the wholechenheart said:After Treatment
I hope no one ever makes repetion of analogies illegal, or I will be either silenced or imprisoned! Most of you know what I am going to say...just ignore this post and read another one instead!! :-)
Ok...when I finished my treatment, I cried as hard as I did when I first had my first IV needle stuck into my hand ( pre-port) I truly felt as if I was on a tightrope without a safety net, and OMG~ what was going to be the barrier between me and BC without chemo and rads doing battle???? I was beyond scared!
Slowly but surely , the other shoe which was waiting to drop stopped being a size 12 steel toed work boot, and is now ( most of the time, anyway) a soft baby shoe.
Support and caring~ how many baby showers have you been to? All of the pre-baby attention is amazing, isn't it? Even strangers feel free to comment on belly size, ask the due date, and some even pat the protuding belly, don't they??? And yet, where are the friends and family when the mom REALLY needs the help? When the baby is born and the new mama is getting no sleep and is afraid at every turn that she is not doing everything right, etc etc etc. It is similar now~ the what IS cancer to many has become what WAS cancer..and emotionally they go back to being who they were before you were diagnosed.
Your hubby falls into that category~ many do. It doesn't loom so large in his life anymore. You are not in treatment, you don't have cancer, you are a SURVIVOR!!!!
And finally...if you are a Harry Potter reader, I have often likened CSN ( or any cancer center/support) to Hogwarts, and those family/friends on the "outside" as the Muggles. We are in a place we cannot quite explain, we bond and communicate with words that seem foreign to our family. The Muggles may not be our ememy of course, but they really just don't "get it".
I didn't actually believe that I would ever feel comfortable in my skin and that Cancer wouldn't fill my every waking thought. But, I am now 5 1/2 years out, and I have truly worked hard to make these days count. I am not a Pollyanna, but I think all of us here face the reality that life as we know it can change very quickly. I just got word that a dear friend of mine from high school died~ and the obituary was a glowing review of her life, and the people she touched with her smile and benevolent ways. She died INSTANTLY of a brain aneurysm...no advance warning/knowledge. You, on the other hand got the proverbial wake-up call...and you have the time NOW to perhaps do things you have been putting off. Only you can know what those things are. In so doing, that peace of God you referenced will fill the spaces in your heart and mind.
Sorry to have rambled~but I hope it gives you food for thought!
Hugs,
Claudia
Claudia, I read the whole enchilada also. Thanks for those positive words. You and Joyce have a way with them. Love always, Lili0 -
It simply takes time
"So why do I lay awake at night and just KNOW that it's going to return. Why do I think about it almost every waking minute? I have read that this is normal, but how long does all this last?"
Kew, it just takes time. I had only DCIS / stage 0 (looking back, it was "only" in other words easy time with diagnosis and treatments physically), but it took 18 - 24 months until I was over the fear, worry, anxiousness, the waiting for the other shoe to drop. (I was sure it would. It didn't.) There's nothing you can do to hurry it up. With time and all-clear check-ups, you'll feel more comfortable and it will be further and further in the past. You won't forget, but it will no longer scare you.
Mary D.0 -
Better Late than NeverWatercolor said:It simply takes time
"So why do I lay awake at night and just KNOW that it's going to return. Why do I think about it almost every waking minute? I have read that this is normal, but how long does all this last?"
Kew, it just takes time. I had only DCIS / stage 0 (looking back, it was "only" in other words easy time with diagnosis and treatments physically), but it took 18 - 24 months until I was over the fear, worry, anxiousness, the waiting for the other shoe to drop. (I was sure it would. It didn't.) There's nothing you can do to hurry it up. With time and all-clear check-ups, you'll feel more comfortable and it will be further and further in the past. You won't forget, but it will no longer scare you.
Mary D.As you can see by the date of this post, I have found all of you six years later, or so I dearly hope.
I googled "cancer, dread, panic" and this thread came up. I finished rads four months ago after surgery for a recurrence of Stage III ILC and am currently struggling with letrozole. I was back to 30 hours of work a week when I lost my job. I am not up to hunting for a new job, so trying to get my home ready for sale. I will move from FL to MD to live with my daughter and SIL.
Besides fatigue, severe tendonitis and hot flashes, the waking up in total heart thumping panic attacks, even from a nap, is the worse. The horrible thought is, "How can I be so terrorfied if there really isn't anything wrong?" It doesn't help that my cancer journey was full of misdiagnosis.
Still, reading all of your posts gives me the strength and patience to keep on moving forward. I don't know if I'll have time to find a local survivor's group before my move, but I definitely will when I get where I am going.
Health and hope to all of you,
Sue
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From a former worrier
I had a very aggressive cancer with high risk of recurrence. What helps most for me is thinking that whether I have 6 days to live, 6 months, 6 years etc, I want to LIVE and not waste my time worrying. Imagine if you live to 80-90 (you probably will!) and think back "Why did I waste those years worrying?" What I've found in life is that usually the unexpected happens anyway! Good luck, Anna
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The move will be good. Whensueclearwater said:Better Late than Never
As you can see by the date of this post, I have found all of you six years later, or so I dearly hope.
I googled "cancer, dread, panic" and this thread came up. I finished rads four months ago after surgery for a recurrence of Stage III ILC and am currently struggling with letrozole. I was back to 30 hours of work a week when I lost my job. I am not up to hunting for a new job, so trying to get my home ready for sale. I will move from FL to MD to live with my daughter and SIL.
Besides fatigue, severe tendonitis and hot flashes, the waking up in total heart thumping panic attacks, even from a nap, is the worse. The horrible thought is, "How can I be so terrorfied if there really isn't anything wrong?" It doesn't help that my cancer journey was full of misdiagnosis.
Still, reading all of your posts gives me the strength and patience to keep on moving forward. I don't know if I'll have time to find a local survivor's group before my move, but I definitely will when I get where I am going.
Health and hope to all of you,
Sue
The move will be good. When your ready find something to do if you are not ready for job hunting. Simple craft making has helped me and walking 40 minutes a day. Somedays I cry for no reason. My husband takes good care of me but he is not a talker. I have not found a support group in my town but I love. the chat room here. Active in the evening eastern standard time. I move here last year. And have not made strongest friends here but I talk to my sister and my best friend back in Maine often. Sue I will come back here and look for you posts.
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