New Here - I have been so irresponsable with my health and well i think now it is just too late - I

jhk
jhk Member Posts: 1
in Emotional Support #1

Hi guys,

I am deeply sorry to come here to vent out my issues. For the first time in my life i have come to being unable to sit down and talk my things with friends or family. I have this huge feeling of embarrasment , almost self hate, because for the last 7 years i have known something is wrong with myself but i have decided to ignore it. Until now, where i have been taken (by myself) to that place where i cannot longer act like if nothing wrong is happening.

 

I feel like i am a coward, and perhpas because of this cowardy, im an insult to all of those here, who had the courage to face their problems in a stoic admirable way.

 

Im 37 yrs old. Male. I have had a very difficult life, leaving my dads home (divorced parents) when i was 17yrs old. I struggled a lot , homeless, but somehow managed to keep a positive attitude and went to public college and got my degree. Started working in differente jobs and when i was around 27 i started my own business as a consultatn. Im fairly successfull (carreeer wise) and although a live a very solitary life (not many close friends, not too much contact with my family) im very proud of making it on my own .. it wasnt easy for a long long time.

 

7 years ago i felt a small mass .. one of my inguinal nodes felt rubberry ... but i decide to ignore it.  three years passed with no issues but i started developing skin itch (really bothersome) and some degree of skin yellowing. I was too much of a coward to go to the doctor, ignoring it was just easier for me.

 

Like 2 years ago .. while playing squash with a friend, i started having pain in my abdomen ... every time i worked out i had it, some times close to the liver, other times closer to my spline, or under the belly button. Every time i work out or do sports i get this bouts of pain.

My urine started to turn a tint of orange ... and well im not a drinker... so i knew something was going on in my abdominal cavity that was not alcohol related.

 

I check my stomach in front of my mirror and i found another rocky hard limph node .. very close to the skin surface and around 1cm3 above my belly button. No good i though.

 

So i found the courage to go to the doctor (this was 1 year ago) ... and well he checked me and felt my inguinal mass, also the one above the belly button and he told me i had some on the back of my ear. He also told me that my feces where a bit uncolored, so he ordered a full body CT scan ... nevertheless i didnt do it and i stop contact with him.

 

For the moment, besides having so bouts of pain (that comed and go) while doing sportes, i drinked a lot of water and my pee seemed to return to its normal color. Itching was less frequent and my yellowish skin tone was never accompained by yellow eyes ... so i kept ignoring all of it ... i had good appetite .. am still faily active (doing sports almost everyday) .. and working hard on my business.

Until 2 months ago ...

 

I started noticing huge love handles .. people started telling my i was gaining weight ... which made no sense to me (no change in diet or activity) ... so i started getting more cramps in my abdomen, they also make SO MUCH noise (like digesting noises) and now, in the present i have this huge watery belly (it feels like a balloon full of water ... it obviously no fat) ... that starts above my bally button ... people have noticed .. so do i .. so iam 99% sure they are ascites ... and it seems to be progressively getting bigger...

 

So i did what i always do . Im such a coward. An idiot. Instead of going to the dr, i google ascites. I ran into my own conclusions. They got to be malignant ascites. Of course i have no idea whats the reason ive got them, what kind of cancer may be doing it , heck i have no cancer diagnosis since i am such a pathetic human being ... so afraid of the inevitable ... i feel ashamed when i see children braver than me facing and battling this group of conditions ... it just makes me feel more ashamed ..

 

All over the net i see the words "Malignant ascites uncurable" "Malignant ascites poor prognosis" "Malignant Ascites death sentence" "malignant ascites 6 or less months to live" ..

 

Im not a drinker. I have rocky stone lymph nodes all over my body for the last 7 years. Yeah , i now know where this is leading.

 

Im really sorry ... i bet some of you are thinking that im comming here to cry out like a little baby, instead of being brave. That even thoug some of you show sympathy, i will do nothing.

 

Whats the point to going to the doctor now? I mean, just to know what will kill me? I will end up dead anyway, can someone please explain to me what is the difference of knowing or not knowing? ...

 

Im sorry. Im really sorry to come here to vent out since you all guys have been braver than me. You do have your diagnosis. Im just alone and ashamed, i had no one to talk to. So please forgive me. Im deeply sorry for doing this.

 

If the worst is true , i may not have much time? ... funny .. i was playing squash with no pain yesterday .. but my lower belly is a water bed. My love handles are huge and watery , and im a skinny guy ... its clear to me it will only get worst...  ironic.

 

May the forces of creationg feel you all with good energy ... i surely hope my mind can get clear enough to show me the path that will lead me thorugh this with the less suffering possible.

 

JHK..

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Knowing or not

    The difference between knowing and not knowing is a quality of life issue. Knowing can help you form a plan. what you find on the Internet about medical issues is often (usually) out of date. Cancer treatments are changing constantly. If for no other reason, you need to see a doctor for pain control. It sounds to me like you are punishing yourself. Stop it! Get help and go from there. You are worth it. You have taken a first step by reaching out on this board. Now take the next step and see the doctor. Life is precious. Handle with care. Let us know your progress. We really do care. Grandma Fay

  • Hussy
    Hussy Member Posts: 29
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    Knowing or not

    The difference between knowing and not knowing is a quality of life issue. Knowing can help you form a plan. what you find on the Internet about medical issues is often (usually) out of date. Cancer treatments are changing constantly. If for no other reason, you need to see a doctor for pain control. It sounds to me like you are punishing yourself. Stop it! Get help and go from there. You are worth it. You have taken a first step by reaching out on this board. Now take the next step and see the doctor. Life is precious. Handle with care. Let us know your progress. We really do care. Grandma Fay

    Please stop being so hard on

    Please stop being so hard on yourself.  What's done is done.  All we can do is move forward.  Grandma Fay is right -- knowing can help you make a plan and give you some peace of mind.  You are spending all your energy trying to avoid this and making yourself miserable as a result.  Please let us know when you have made an appointment. 

  • Lilly9
    Lilly9 Member Posts: 155
    #4
    Hussy said:

    Please stop being so hard on

    Please stop being so hard on yourself.  What's done is done.  All we can do is move forward.  Grandma Fay is right -- knowing can help you make a plan and give you some peace of mind.  You are spending all your energy trying to avoid this and making yourself miserable as a result.  Please let us know when you have made an appointment. 

    Stop punishing yourself and

    Stop punishing yourself and self diagnosing.   You owe it to yourself and those that know and love you to see a Dr and to listen to his diagnosis and recommendations.  You may think you're in this alone but you aren't.   Your diagnosis and illness is far reaching.   Give yourself a chance;  Give others a chance by letting the Dr's treat you.   Please let us know when your appointment is

  • KimberlyInPa.
    KimberlyInPa. Member Posts: 4
    #5
    I think it's normal to feel this way...

    And I think it's self reflection. However to beat yourself up with the could of, should of, would of... 

    Isnt going to help you, in fact it will do harm.  You seem to be a pretty strong person to me. I too had 

    a pretty bad start in life, I too rose above it and got my college degree, got married, had a child.

    we can begin to use positive self talk when we are down. Trust me I know, I still do this, but I now catch it.

    and I now use kind loving comments only.

    fear of cancer causes many of us to go into denial, we are human after all.  No one is 100 strong all the time.

    no one.  I stopped smoking 20 years ago, I didn't drink and I had very healthy eating habits. I worked out too.

    and I ended up with oral neck cancer.  I am only 50.  life isn't fair. But life can be good. You have to want to 

    make it that way cause no one else can.

    do something kind for yourself, then someone else maybe.

    embrace life, cause no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

     

  • ioanna
    ioanna Member Posts: 43
    #6
    Please do go see a doctor.

    Please do go see a doctor. Stop beating yourself up and start taking good care of you. No one can judge you. What is done is done. Leave it behind you and move forward. I am sure you can!!! Let us know

  • NANCYL1
    NANCYL1 Member Posts: 289
    #7
    PLEASE GO TO A DOCTOR

    JHK:

    Please make an appointment today to see a doctor.   And then let us know what he says.   

    I know for a fact that some men want to appear to others to be a "do-it-alone" or "not-do-it-at-all" "Tough Guy."  You have suffered too long and too much.

    Again:  Please call a doctor and make an appointment today.

    Nancy

  • Ouch_Ouch_Ouch
    Ouch_Ouch_Ouch Member Posts: 508 Member
    #8
    Hello, JHK.....

    JHK - You have not posted again. Now that you have vented, does that mean you will go back to ignoring your issues? How do you know that you have cancer if you've never had a work-up? How do you know that your condition isn't treatable? Certainly by ignoring whatever it is, it may one day come to the point where your loved ones are shaking their heads, saying "If only J had done something sooner!"

    I know a lot about self-loathing. When I was diagnosed with anal cancer on March 26th, I seriously considered not getting treatment. But my husband and the four doctors I consulted were horrified and made sure that I got it. It wasn't easy in the least, but at three months after treatment ended, I was found to be cancer-free. I still have some radiation injury issues, but they are slowly fading, VERY slowly! .^_^.

    There are other paths on the road to liver disease than alchohol. Something as simple as Tylenol can cause it. (See: http://www.emedicinehealth.com/cirrhosis/page2_em.htm#cirrhosis_causes ) Even if your condition has deteriorated to the point where you have eliminated treatment options (and at present, you have no way of knowing that's true!!!), the doctors can ease your symptoms. IF you do have acites (most is NOT cancerous, by the way), it can be draineed, thereby improving your breathing, appetite, improve sleeping, and help your physical movements. If you are in pain, they can treat that. If you are infectious to others, you need to know that (a hepatitis, for instance? - TREATBLE!).

    I also know about the fear of pain, needles, and scalpels. That part was as hard on me as the cancer treatment was. But with the help of anti-anxiety meds and very understanding medical people, I got through it.

    Please, at least find out what's going on inside of your own body. Then, you can create a plan and go from there. Pretty please?

     

  • apoohneicie
    apoohneicie Member Posts: 6
    #9
    Ok now,

    Now #1 stop beating yourself up. If it is the worst (and you don't know if it is) the best thing you can have is hope and the determination you are going to make it. People love and care for you, don't give up!

    #2 Yes for the love of everything that is holy go see a good doctor. I know it's scary, but if you do nothing and it is something horrible doing nothing will give you a 100% mortality rate. By not going you are just setting yourself up to fail.

    #3 Stop looking at statistics. What are the chances of someone surviving stage IV uterine carcinosarcoma? There isn't even a whole percentage...but here I am cancer free since 2011. Numbers don't know anything about you or your (possible) illness. 'F' the numbers.

    #4 I think I am sensing a bit of underlying depression. I have depression and I get the hopelessness I really do, but you have been through a lot of difficulties in your life that probably seemed impossible but you made it through it. You can do this. I was 30 when I was diagnosed. I was terrified. On the outside looking in it seems horrible, but there are people all along the way to help you. I will help you. If you need to talk or anything I am here. Cancer related or not ok? I care. Please. Even if it is the worst, there are people who can help you make it through this.

  • Zeanna
    Zeanna Member Posts: 5
    #10
    What we do or not

    I am sending you love and strength. I reached my 5 year survival of Squamous cell carcinoma - tonsillar tumour and skin- stage 4 with metatasis and malignancy. I was given 4 years and yet, gratefully, here I am.

    With respect for your absolute right to feel as you feel, I want to say that; There are those days when I just don't want to deal with anything and I end up playing computer games or sleep a lot or something, and maybe those others when I think I'm not worth the effort - that's always a temporary feeling and it has led me to realize that nothing stays the same, I will feel differently regardless of my situation remaining. So there's always that feeling better place I end up in. I can smile in the face of what I face then and I move forward and beyond it that day.

    Fear and depression seem to melt away when I accept that sometimes I'm an idiot and sometimes I'm pretty damn interested in caring about what I want which is to continue living and laughing and being grateful for being able to recognize the love in each and every moment or thing that crosses my path. Good bad or otherwise.

    I've come to believe that your greatest achievements are the ones you will make next. It's not over until it is. I find hope in that and renewed inspiration to try new things, however small or unknown.

    I hope for you and pray for you That you will wake up with a feeling of love for what you have and forget what you think you don't have. You are stronger than you might think. You have the right to feel as you do and the right to change your mind about that and feel better.

    I sincerely wish you all the best in your quest to overcome your personal dilemnas, my friend. Congratulations to you for reaching out. It's a loving thing.

  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #11
    JHK, we have all been where you are to some degree or another

    Hello JHK,

    I am a 25 year survivor of non-hodgkins lymphoma and I can say, personally, that I have felt, to some degree,  as you do in pretty much all aspects of my illness at some point or another.  Now let me say that I am saying that as a cancer survivor but at this moment, from what I gather from reading your post you have no idea as to whether you actually have a cancer or not.  Did I read you right?  If true you really do have to find out for sure and that means getting yourself to a doctor as soon as you can.  You can do it.

    I totally understand the fear of experiencing weird symptoms, and yes most of us try to self diagnose too, but it's never a good idea.  It's way too easy to jump to conclusions and most of the time, believe me, the self diagnosis turns out to be wrong or at the very least not what we think it is at all.

    One of the people who responded to your post  made a very good point and that is that you have had a great deal of strength and do have a strong survivor spirit in all that you have accomplished in your life, all on your own, after getting a pretty tough start in life.  It's those kinds of tools that people have in themselves, like you do, that will get you through whatever might be happening with your health right now.  You just have to sit back and really think about the positives that have got you this far in life, not focus as much on the negatives and the obvious self destructive way you at times speak about yourself.  You are not a coward, you are just scared, and we aren't all brave and and strong all the time, we get scared and feel weak off and on.  You are not alone in all of that, health issues scare us but there is alot of power in knowing what exactly is wrong and then taking the next step as they come.  One step at a time will get you through.

    You have done one very important thing, you have come to this site.  This site is full of people like you who are at this stage in detecting something wrong with our bodies and now it's time to take that step and find out what it is.  It may be cancer but there may be another reason for your symptoms but you can't live in doubt and fear with no solid information, that is torture and is entirely avoidable.  You aren't alone and you certainly are not seen as a coward on this site and at any given time there are countless people on this site to help you through, to share their experiences they might have in common with you and to support you as you reach for answers.  No one here is going to judge you or call you a crybaby or anything even remotely close to that, we all understand because we have all been there.  Family and friends mean well but they can't really understand what it's like to be afraid of health issues unless they have been there but people like us on this site have been there and can relate.  Come here anytime you want to share.  It's what the site is for.

    I really hope you listen to all the good advice that has come to you here so far and I do hope you take that step and find out what is going on with your health.  There is no reason to worry about things that may not even be true but if there are health issues to be addressed trust me if you know what you are dealing with and know what treatments you need to consider you will begin to feel a sense of power come over you because knowledge is power.  Ask anyone on here about that, learning about your medical issues gives you the power to make the right decisions for yourself.  

    Do come back and let people know how you are doing.  This is a place where people have experience with health issues and where people care about each other and can truly help you get through this.

    Blessings to you JHK , you are in my prayers. 

    Bluerose

     

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