survivorship crisis

As a caregiver for my husband, you did the right thing.  He was told almost two years ago that there was nothing else that could be done after a 2nd primary, treatment, reoccurrence and spread.  He is still fighting but loosing ground daily.  Never once has he said anything about suicide nor does he complain.  He has been on hospice for a year now and they have provided all that he needs.  They make sure his pain and anxiety is controlled and thankfully his pain level is not that bad.  I see how depressed he gets when he is unable to do what he loved to do all day and that is being out and working in the yard.  

Yes cancer is a beast and a horrible one at that, but  I can understand this person's feelings, but to have an assisted suicide, I do not agree with.  For people to tell this person to go ahead and do it, they are wrong.   For me,  I know it would be hard to go thru what cancer patients go thru and after watching my husband I don't know if I could do it but am sure in the end I would try my hardest.  My aunt fought esophageal cancer and spread as hard as she could for almost 3 years but in the end lost her battle.  Just recently one of our granddaughters' husband lost a battle to brain cancer and he fought as hard as he could.    

Sharon

I'm a psychiatric nurse, and I say you did exactly the right thing. Here's why:

Sometimes people who are down 'explore' the question of suicide because they need people around them to reassure them that there is still hope. If that reassurance doesn't come, it is very damaging and discouraging.

I am not against assisted suicide. I believe it is up to the person, however, we have to be very careful, because often the person is just needing reassurance that OTHER people still have hope, even if at present they feel no hope.

We call it "carrying the hope".

You did what you felt in your heart and soul and if nothing else, it might give the person another opportunity to pause and think through their position and outlook for the remainder of their life. There is no right or wrong to you ffering your thoughts or no right or wrong about what the person does with their live; it is THEIR live not yours.

Not going to rehash both sides of the issue other than to say the only person who matters in making an informed decision is that person. All we can do is offer our view on the matter.

Katie, being a suicide survivor means I've had a loved one commit suicide, and, in my case I've had several.  It would comfort me to know someone offered my loved ones a reason to stop and consider alternatives one last time.  Katie, compassion is never wrong.  You must follow your heart and you did.  

If you can please see if I can talk to him, I too live through hell and I too was told back in 2006 there was nothing the doctors could do and they gave me 6 months to a year at best. I am still alive I am still working full time and I have a shop outside where I still do repairs. Believe me I know how hard it is and there was times in my life that I just wanted it to end but my God reached down to me and pulled me back out of the pit I was in. So I now do all I can for someone else who might be down in the pit, love and pray is all we can do sometimes.

Tim Hondo

debbiejeanne said:

Kate, you did exactly the

Kate, you did exactly the right thing.  I believe God put you there at that very moment to give that person hope.  The doctors only know medicine and science, they do NOT know GOD'S plan.  Just like Hondo, the docs said 8 yrs ago he had 6 months, 8 MONTH AGO!  He is still here.  So, that person could live for another 40 years and with the right doctor may be able to get the pain controlled so he can live a decent life.  I'm sure others here may have felt like giving up at some time but are very glad today they did NOT.  I am one of them.  I also lost 2 nephews to suiside and I can tell you that one never recovers from that tragedy.  I'm going to include that person in my prayers and ask God to talk to him and reasure him that as long as he believes in God, then there is hope!  May God bless him with family and friends who will encourage him and be there for him and remind him that there are many reasons to live.  Thank you Katee, for talking to this person.  You are probably just what he needed at that very moment in his life!  You may have saved his life.  God bless you Kate for caring and not being afraid to show it.

God bless everyone,

dj

Suicide is a tricky subject matter, no doubt, but it all depends on the specifics of why one is considering it. For us in the H&N community, so long as there is hope that one can recover to a life that is acceptable to them, then one should not consider it. As we all know, the vast majority in the medical community do their upmost to deal with the pain (though apparently there are exceptions), so even sticking it out to the end by means of H&N C might be acceptable to many/most. And, trust me because I have first-hand experience with seeing what kinda end that can become, we all have our individual definitions on what "acceptable" is. Heck, some could even consider it out of fear of going thru the rads and what they do w/concurrent chemo, but that would simply be cowardice.

To me, if all hope is lost and the C is gonna do it's very ugly thing to one in the process of killing them, and it was getting advanced, then I would not blame someone for ending it, themselves, while they still can. Only suffering is to follow, along with the grotesque physical part of it, so why continue?

In the past I have heard the arguement that it is "selfish" of one to take the easy way out, but I see it as the opposite. Don't kill yourself for our sake? So we can watch you suffer and physically deteriorate/decompose? That's what's gonna happen, so those people should wake up to reality. Seems logical that the selfish ones are those who have a problem with the fact of mortality, and losing a loved one. And when one factors in the enormous money part of it- money for what, and who will have to pay that money?

Our C is different from, say, lung C, which I also have witnessed a couple times. Our's can be much worse, I'm afraid to say. I only come out of the closet to write this because of personal experience with three family members who C took, two by lung and the other by H&N. The H&N had esophageal that they never really got it all out of him, and I've often wondered why he let himself die the very ugly death he did. I would not have, I must admit, and let my loved ones see the ugliness C can do to the H&N in it's last month+. Description of what his last two weeks, physically, were- it is beyond description.

Hope and acceptable are the key words, to me. If either of those two words still exist, then suicide is not the way to go. 

kcass

Kent Cass said:

specifics

Suicide is a tricky subject matter, no doubt, but it all depends on the specifics of why one is considering it. For us in the H&N community, so long as there is hope that one can recover to a life that is acceptable to them, then one should not consider it. As we all know, the vast majority in the medical community do their upmost to deal with the pain (though apparently there are exceptions), so even sticking it out to the end by means of H&N C might be acceptable to many/most. And, trust me because I have first-hand experience with seeing what kinda end that can become, we all have our individual definitions on what "acceptable" is. Heck, some could even consider it out of fear of going thru the rads and what they do w/concurrent chemo, but that would simply be cowardice.

 

To me, if all hope is lost and the C is gonna do it's very ugly thing to one in the process of killing them, and it was getting advanced, then I would not blame someone for ending it, themselves, while they still can. Only suffering is to follow, along with the grotesque physical part of it, so why continue?

 

In the past I have heard the arguement that it is "selfish" of one to take the easy way out, but I see it as the opposite. Don't kill yourself for our sake? So we can watch you suffer and physically deteriorate/decompose? That's what's gonna happen, so those people should wake up to reality. Seems logical that the selfish ones are those who have a problem with the fact of mortality, and losing a loved one. And when one factors in the enormous money part of it- money for what, and who will have to pay that money?

 

Our C is different from, say, lung C, which I also have witnessed a couple times. Our's can be much worse, I'm afraid to say. I only come out of the closet to write this because of personal experience with three family members who C took, two by lung and the other by H&N. The H&N had esophageal that they never really got it all out of him, and I've often wondered why he let himself die the very ugly death he did. I would not have, I must admit, and let my loved ones see the ugliness C can do to the H&N in it's last month+. Description of what his last two weeks, physically, were- it is beyond description.

Hope and acceptable are the key words, to me. If either of those two words still exist, then suicide is not the way to go. 

kcass

Glad to see you still here and posting. I asked a preacher one time why was it ok to put a Dog or Horse to sleep when they are dyeing and in pain with no hope to recover, but it is not OK to help a human who is dying of Cancer with no hope of getting better. He told me because man was made in the image of God, in a way I understand what he was saying but in another way I don’t. Like you I seen what my Mother went through with cancer and my brother. Out of work, no money, nothing but doctor and hospital bills and wanting to get paid, and the pain she lived in day and night. It is a very hard question, do I want my love ones to see me go like this. To me this is why we need to have a living will so our family will know just what to do when we can no longer make the choice for ourselves. It is not easy to stand by and see someone who you love die a painful death, like my mother did, but even with all that pain she was in she had a smile on her face none of us could understand.

Tim Hondo

I think it is important for this person to hear your view and experience.  The survivor needs to hear different views on this issue prior to making a decision.  The survivor can weigh the different things heard and then decide.  You did the right thing.  You were honest and caring.  In a political correct society we are not getting the truth and people's experience out there.  I am proud of you.  Ann