Update

I'm now 4 days since FOLFOXIRI/bev treatment two of six (treatment #25 overall). This round was a lot better managed. I am now eating more and fatigue is waning. Diarrhea was not as bad and although nausea was an issue I seem to be beyond this as well. And as I previously reported, CEA dropped from 18 to 11, giving us encouragement that the poison is killing the cancer.

So, while things were looking up, well…  On Monday we received word that my father-in-law passed away. Luckily we managed to squeeze several visits into the last couple months so at least we had a chance to spend some time with him before he passed. He was on hospice care for pancreatic cancer and we knew time with him was precious. Good-byes on each visit proved to be progressively harder to do. Although my father-in-law was 81 he was a very active person, up until his final days. And it was very sad to lose him at this time. He did live a wonderful life and his legacy will most certainly live on -- through his children, grandchildren, great grandchildren... He will be dearly missed by many!

My first reaction to the news of his passing was to plan our trip for the funeral (which is on Friday).  We discussed when to go with each child and we planned for how to best deal with my condition along the way. I was even considering “depends” as a precautionary measure given the symptoms I’ve been dealing with…

However my wife was very concerned about me making the trip. Given low immunity and a ten hour road trip, stopping at unknown gas stations along the way, with four kids, my wife, and me packed like sardines inside my truck...  Then sleeping in an unfamiliar location, being so far away from home, trying to eat smart in restaurants…  Adding to that the emotional stress of the funeral, and being around many family and friends… All that while dealing trying to recover from the chemo fatigue and diarrhea, and other symptoms.

The last words I heard from my father-in-law seemed to put perspective on this decision as well. My wife, fourteen year old step son, and I said our final good-bye. We then walked into the street to my truck. We paused in the street to wave good-bye one more time, while choking back tears…  Then we just stood there in the street with tears in our eyes while we watched Duane come down the driveway. He was rapidly pushing his walker over the cement cracks, over the curb, coming right up to us. He hugs each of us one more time. And as he hugs me, he tells me in no uncertain terms "You get better!"  

He made his point. And my wife made her point as well. And now my family is there and I'm here. I'm so sad that I'm not with them during this celebration of life and love. Even though I know it was the right decision I am still sad that I’m missing this time with my wife and step-children.

Cancer has once again stole from me. Cancer seems to do that every chance it gets. Taking time away from watching my children in plays or sporting events, hanging out with friends at football or baseball games, productivity at work, home chores, playing golf, etc.... The collateral damage from battling cancer truly sucks!

So here I am feeling sad...  For my wife who lost her father. For my mother-in-law who lost her husband of 50+ years. For my step children who lost their Grandpa, who loved them so much. For me who can’t be with my family during this occasion...

I guess I will wipe the tears and focus on resting, walking, recovering, working...  So I can be as ready as possible for round three next Thursday.

I will do a lot of praying, a little crying. And I apologize to God; for some of my prayers may NOT sound much like prayers.

Thank you all in advance for your support. Please send up prayers for my wife especially. As she deals with the loss of her father and continues to deal with my situation as well.

Love, light, hugs!

Philip