Is your glass half full?

except right before scans ...then I seem to start looking at the other side of the glass...

p

Estelle_H said:

My glass is 56% full. Better

I love your philosophy of having your glass 'refilled'. That's exactly how it is - there is so much love and compassion around, I never realised...

My glass is 56% full. Better than half full. I used to see "that" figure as a negative, but now I understand it to be positive. xxxx

my glass has recently been replenished but only moderately.....

Bill,

I try for half full.

Matt

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not too happy these days. 6 months post-treatment and struggling as I cope w physical & emotional results of bilateral neck dissection & of course radiation & chemo. 

I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I don't want to go out bc I don't want people to look at me & eating?  What fun is that?  I could easily launch into a personal bitchfest but I don't want to be like that. I have to accept this, not like it, just accept it. 

This group has been extremely helpful and definitely fills my glass when I need it but I can't take this group with me everywhere my glass goes!  It would be so much easier if we all lived in one town but we don't and there isn't a local H&N support chapter.  

I know I'm blessed but maybe I'm too 'back to normal' and am taking God's hand on my life for granted.  My neck swelling has gone down some w lymphatic massage (thank you for filling me w that info) and compression garment (again thx for the refill) but I'm developing scar tissue above on right side (tumor side).  Will it ever go flat or will I always have my pouch? 

I said my glass is broken bc my heart is sad. I'm depressed.  I feel guilty bitching about it here bc so many of you have been through the ringer two, three & more times than I can grasp not to mention live with more severe side effects. I'm sorry for seeming so selfish but wow, cancer REALLY sucks. 

This feeling is temporary and will pass but the past two weeks have been tough. i see my radiologist for 6 month check-in at the end of the month nd will ask for anti-depressants but honestly, I don't want to go back for any more follow-ups after this. Unlike most warriors in this group, I'm not fighting another one.  

Sorry for the depressing post. This isn't like me but this is my life after Head & Neck cancer. 

K

debbiejeanne said:

K, you don't have to

K, you don't have to apologize for anything here, ever!  and its ok that you feel sad and depressed.  you are not the same as you were before cancer and that is reason to be sad.  also, don't feel guilty because you may not be suffering all the side effects someone else is or that the side effects bother you or that you've only had to fight once!  i thank God that most only have to fight one time.  Once is hard enough.  for those of us who have had to fight again, we still understand that it only takes once for cancer to change your life and sometimes makes it hard to deal with.  so, please don't ever feel like you haven't earned the right to have bad days or miss the way life used to be, you have.  that does NOT make you selfish, that makes you a NORMAL cancer survivor!  i'm sorry your glass is broken right now but i'm sure with a little crazy glue you can fix it right up.  hang in there and always feel free to express your true feelings here.  We're a family and we will be here for you, even when it isn't always positive.  NOBODY here can be positive all the time, remember that.

God bless you,

dj 

To me it seems like my glass has a hole in it because it leaks like my PEG tube. Problems just keep coming and coming and I ask when will it just stop and give me a break. I guess I am happy in one way that even with the leak the glass is being filled somehow back to halfway.

Thanks

Tim Hondo     

wmc said:

Don't be sorry..... Cancer does Suck

Don't be sorry, what you wrote is how you feel right now. Feeling down and not happy is pary of the healing and accepting process. We all have days our glass gets tipped over, and for you to set down and put into words exactly how you feel is amazing. It means you are sad, normal feelings, everyone gets for what you went through and are still going through. I would say maby it's more anxity then depression. For you see, you are saying you think you have some depression. With what we go through , yes we do get depressed. However that is a normal feeling. I think it is a little harder for a woman dealing with the scars. Most men, well some just think thats a cool scar and the stories that can go with it, wow. For me the scar is getting better and less noticable, but I really don't care. I reached acceptance before I had the surgery. [Remember no chemo or RAD's] but I new I was going to be cut from ear to ear, and they did. I expected some disfiguring, and got some but not as bad as I thought. The part thats hurts me the most is I saw a local cancer Dr and he said I had no cancer. One year latter, they remove my Larynx due to cancer he missed. Some days I think of the what if. You see the cancer didn't take my voice. My lungs and having server emphysems did. I could not survive the surgery. They would not even try with a temporary trach. The anesthesiologist was afraid they could not keep me alive for the 8 to 15 hours needed. So my chose was losing my voice box and breath through my neck. So I decided right then, lets do the surgery. Now what am I going to do. Nothings but questions. Will my wife and family accept me with maybe no voice, or just one that sounds like a robot, and how about the darn hole in my neck to keep looking at. God only knows how strangers will stare and wonder and then there is your ,"so called friends" that no longer want to be aroung you because of your looks.   

Well that didn't happen. My wife and family was just glad I was alive [only around four people thought I would live through it], and just proud that I fought and still fighting this. That was the first time in my life my brother ever said he was proud of me. [I'm 63 and he is 73] So I decided to not let this ever stop me. I go where I want to and do almost all of the shopping. Sure I get a few people who stare, Wal-Mart is the best for that. I think they would like to ask, but think it would be rude. I just smile and put my thumb to my neck so I can Talk and say HI. Haven't lost any friends either. Of the over 200 people at my plant where I work only two beleaved I would not only live but return to work, and I did.

The recovery is slow and everyone has there own pace. You have a lot of ups and downs, but you take one day at a time, and it is ONLY TODAY that matters. I feel from your posting you are a very strong person and might expect the healing to go maybe a little faster. It all takes time as you need time. The day will come and when it does, it's like you wake up and everything has changed. You feel Ok, don't know what is differant but it is. For me I have small, I mean real small moments when I feel Like I did before the surgery, normal and think I am breathing through my nose, I do feel great. One day It was so real I answered the phone at work and just started talking, I forgot to press the button on my neck so no words came out. I knew Then I Have Accepted It. Now as far as the scars you can wrap a scarf around your neck to cover it if you feel better that way. But just say the heck with it and go walk around some stores, be proud you servived. 

My mother always told me,"God will not give you more than you can handle". Well I feel he does pust the envelope to close to the edge sometimes, but I always made it, as you will too. If you want I posted photos on my page in expressions. I'll warn you It shows the neck scars and open stoma.

You'll get through this rough patch and will come through this. Remember when you feel down Post. Same goes when you feel up too. Everyone is here for you and does understand. Bless you and we'll keep you always in our thoughts and prayers.

Bill  Oct 2013  Central Cal.

P.S.  We have glue.........

Hi Bill,

Your emotions and thoughts are so powerful I am nearly speachless. I recognize that this is dated Oct. 2013 but it resounds just as strong today and it will for years to come. You give off such courage and hope and I pray that you feel in it return as it is sent your way. josh r.

phrannie51 said:

My glass is half full...

except right before scans ...then I seem to start looking at the other side of the glass...

p

DITTO!