No more chemo to be had for mom

Meowycat
Meowycat Member Posts: 66
in Colorectal Cancer #1

Today the oncologist came to the hospital to see my mother and told my father and myself that her body can no longer handle the chemo/radiation. She is in the last stages (no time frame as of yet) of advanced colorectal cancer. She has fought hard the past three years, but over the last month she has become so frail and tired. I knew this was coming, but it is never easy to hear. I feel like I have been stabbed in the heart with a knife I can not take out. Worse is how I feel for my father. They have been married 44 years and known each other longer. The pain on his face was too much for me to bear, I can't imagine what he is going through.

So now comes the business of hospice and telling my mother there is no more treatment. She will ask if that means she will die. I don't even know how to answer that. Please advise me CSN family because I don't have any words.

Huggies,

 

Nellie

Comments

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    #2
    Sad

    This is a terrible time of recollection and realization that what has been.  It's sad that it has come to this but wishing and praying that your mother goes forward with much free pain and help from hospice to live to most beautiful days left of her life.  They are wonderful people and will help you get through this.  May God grace with you with love and comfort.

    Kim

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #3
    Dear Nellie

    My heart is with you during this difficult time.

    How to deal with it depends so much on the patient.  When we got to this point with my sister, we did not discuss dying, but that she was just not strong enough to continue treatment at this time.  Even with Hospice, we talked about how with improvement we could dispense with their services.  I don't fool myself, she knew the end was near, but it was easier for her to not discuss it.

    If she asks, and you believe she really wants the whole answer, then I guess you must say yes, but we can still hope that by stopping chemo she will gain some strenght and feel more comfortable.

    I know how difficult  it is on you and your Dad.  All you can do is see to her comfort, make the time together as special as possible and pray that she is pain free.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you all,

    Marie who loves kitties

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,804 Member
    #4
    Dearest Nellie

    I am so sorry to hear that your mother has come to this point in her battle. I personally don't know what to tell you in answer to your question. I know there are others here who have gone through such an expereince and will share their thoughts. 

    I do know that I can tell you that you and your father are in my thoughts and my prayers. 

    I pray that you will all find some kind of comfort in the coming days. That love will flow like a stream, into your hearts and souls and that there will be peace for all of you. 

    Blessings!

    SUE/TRU

  • lp1964
    lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member
    #5
    Dear Nellie,

    I heard a program on the radio about hospice care. This is what this nurse does when the patient asks this difficult question:

    Am I dying?

    Does it feel like you are dying?

    The nurse said that patients can answer that to themselves and be at piece with the answer. No one can tell what and how it's gonna happen. 

    I wish all of you the strength to get through this difficult time.

    Laz

     

  • Meowycat
    Meowycat Member Posts: 66
    #6
    Thanks for getting me through it

    Thank you Sue, Laz, Marie, and Kim. Dad and I went to the hospital this morning to speak with mom. I gently told her that as she knows, she has been feeling sick and that her body could no longer handle the chemo/radiation. She has this wonderful way of being stoic and even when she is afraid never lets it linger too long. She asked me if that meant she was going to die. I said to her, only God knows when we will all go. She said she loved my father and me very much. i told her that we will bring her home after this hospital stay. That we will take care of her and make her comfortable and happy. I am in awe of her strength. Then she tried to sleep on and off during the day. Her body is restless and tired. Some of her sisters and brothers came to support her and us. Which was nice. I just hope she can get some sleep tonight.

    Dad and I went to purchase a sweatsuit for her because she is always cold. When Dad called her up and told her she said "Where, Victorias Secret" he then asked me how did she know. I told him it's because she has good taste just like me.Smile

    I love you all even though I don't personally know you, you have sometimes been more family to me than my own blood.

    Huggies,

    Nellie

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571 Member
    #7
    I am so, so sorry, Nellie.

    My heart hurts for all of you.

    I would tell your mom that hospice is to help her be as comfortable and pain-free as possible.  I think she will express her acceptance of what's coming when she's ready, so I guess I would try to let her come to grips with that in her own way.  When my sister was dying, I don't think she really accepted it until almost the very end.  Everyone is different, and it's such a terribly hard thing to contemplate for everyone involved.

    I think if she wants to keep hoping for a miracle, I would support her in that. That was the approach we took with my sister, as that was what she wanted.

    Much love to you, and hopes for strength in the days ahead.

    I just saw your update...sorry I wasn't in time to comment.  It sounds like you handled it just right.

  • Yolllmbs
    Yolllmbs Member Posts: 360 Member
    #8
    Hospice

    The hospice nurses are trained in handling the patients and their family. my husband and I used the hospice program with our parents. They gave us help, support, kindness and knowledge. They are such am amazing group of professionals. Please use their services for your and your fathers best interests.  You and your family are in my prayers. 

     

    Yolanda

  • Nana b
    Nana b Member Posts: 3,030 Member
    #9
    Yolllmbs said:

    Hospice

    The hospice nurses are trained in handling the patients and their family. my husband and I used the hospice program with our parents. They gave us help, support, kindness and knowledge. They are such am amazing group of professionals. Please use their services for your and your fathers best interests.  You and your family are in my prayers. 

     

    Yolanda

    So sorry for you pain.  We

    So sorry for you pain.  We all dread putting our famlies though so much pain.   I think of my girls and husband all the time, they have been so stong, but know its front.   God Speed, and although it will never be easy, we want our families to move forward and live their lives knowing that we loved and we were loved. 

     

    May you find some peace that she will no longer be in pain.  

  • Akroger
    Akroger Member Posts: 88
    #10
    Fellow daughter of a cancer patient

    Nellie, for the past year and a half I've walked the same steps as you, a daughter of a mother with late stage colorectal cancer. While my mom tells me that there is no greater pain than what a parent feels for an ailing child, I'm not sure how I've even survived some of the her most severe moments. The position you're in now is one that I know I will be in at some point too, and there really aren't any words that I could see myself saying as being the "right" ones. More important, I think, are what you do, and what you tell her after. Be as close to her as you can, try to make her feel more safe and loved than she ever did before. Let her know that it's not just that you love her, but that it's a shared love, an entire bond, and that it's such an intense force that it can never die. That you will keep her alive through your love for her, through your memories and words, through every action that you take in tribute to her. It's not about any kind of religious faith, though if you and your mother feel that you should use words of faith to convey the same feelings and ideas.

    I've been asking myself how I will be able to survive the loss of my mom for a long time, and finally a few months ago I asked my therapist too, and she was the one that advised me of this idea of the undying power of love, that my mother needn't be physically with me, and vice versa, for me to feel that same intensity of love for her, and that this is what will keep her alive. For me at least, the words brought great comfort, and when I spoke about the conversation with my mom, she also seemed to be moved. Your mother, like mine, probably fears the coming of the time that she will no longer be able to physically be there for you. I hope that  reassuring her that you will always feel she is with you, that her influence and love will guide you throughout your whole life, would bring some serenity to you both.

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