Insomnia Thoughts

wholfmeister
wholfmeister Member Posts: 315
in Ovarian Cancer #1

I had chemo today.  It was much more eventful than usual, and we were there hours longer than we expected.  Had to get lots more steroids than usual, so I expect I will be awake until....Monday morning when I get to work!! Haha!!!

So, while I'm not sleeping, I am reflecting on some emotions I've experienced lately.

First, an old friend was feeling just fine until Memorial Day evening.  He is a good person, a Godly man. He got very weak, with severe back and abdominal pain.  His wife got him to the ER, and by the next morning, they said he had metastatic kidney CA all through his body, with a clot in the inferior vena cava.  He was briefly on a ventilator, but now has been moved to hospice.  How can he be hopelessly not treatable, just like that?  Why am I over two years into it, and I still have many options for treatment?  Why me? Why him? 

Second, I have stopped wearing my wig.  From previous posts, you know my hair is very ugly, frizzy, thin, patchy, and rebelliously refusing to be styled.  I feel quite ashamed that I have allowed so much of my self-confidence to be controlled by my hair.  My mother did not raise me that way.  It has been a difficult two weeks, as each day brought a new venue and new folks being exposed to the "real" me.  I would have been more comfortable if I were completely naked...

Third, because people see me with hair, and I have never been really sick, everyone assumes I am cured!  I hate explaining, no, in fact my cancer is not cured, I am not in remission, and I am still getting chemo.  I don't intend to be a complainer, or continually draw attention to my cancer, or use my cancer as an excuse.  Or do I?  My boss even questioned why I still have so much time-off requested.

Fourth, I am so blessed and lucky.  I have all the best resources to live life and to fight this cancer.  I won't bore you with the litany.  But I know each is a blessing I didn't get because I deserved them.  I am not better than anyone else.  I don't know why I am blessed...that is one of the biggest mysteries.

i know I am not unique.  What are you thinking about?

Comments

  • debrajo
    debrajo Member Posts: 1,095 Member
    #2
    Night time

    Can't the long nights mess with your thoughts?!   I'm like you, the "whys" are the night time topic of thought when your brain will not shut off.  I seem to think back over the last five years and wonder, why me, poor me, I was always the "good Girl" this is just not supposed to happen, ect.  Not that I thought I would be cancer free for life, but darn, couldn't it wait til I was 60?  I worried about not living long enough to see my youngest son graduate high school, who'd take care of Mama, nobody could do the things I do, ect.  In short, How in the Hell would the world dare to start tomorrow whithout me!  Oh my, the arogance of my mind!  But I am blessed also.  In the beginning the UPSC was "rare", a grade c, poorly differenated, three strikes against me!  But I had no bad reactions to meds,  no stomach upset .very little pain, mostly surgery stuff, was still able to carry  on, see my baby graduate high school, welcome my 9th grandchild, move mama in with me and am able to care for her, keep up with my other four kids, get my husband off to work everyday,ect.  I did think about  servivers guilt quite a bit. Two of the friends that cheered me on during chem, one didn't know the whole time I was doing chemo, he had stage 4 lung cancer with the tumors invaiding his heart.  He passed almost 2 years ago.  The other friend who always talked to me and prayed for me, went in to have gallbladder surgery, just one attack, they found she has pancreatic cancer and is not  doing well.  The whys will drive you crazy! I talked to two of my cousins, both preachers, and according to them, your days are set at your birth.  We just have to do the best with the hand we are dealt.....we all are supposed to live our lives in such a way that the next generation will have a good example to follow.  Now, isn't that enough to think about for the rest of the week?! We are all here  for a reason...we just don't know what it is!  Best, Debra

  • Lisa 00
    Lisa 00 Member Posts: 134 Member
    #3
    not really insomnia thoughts,

    Regarding this journey of cancer, and whatever other life circumstances I've had, it gives me pause and some comfort when I contemplate that I chose all of this.  I believe that, not only are our days somewhat planned out before we're born, but that I chose much of my circumstances.  Maybe for me to learn, maybe for others to learn, but for the experience. 

    Not long ago, I had a cousin, age 50 who passed suddenly.  She was my age.  She was my friend.  Nobody was expecting it.  A suddden passing leaves many loose ends and many, many regrets of not spending time, not talking enough, not listening enough, etc.  When one passes after a long illness, it is different.  We have time to plan, to spend time, to pursue a bucket list, etc.  And, frankly, I've come to prefer the latter.     

  • lovesanimals
    lovesanimals Member Posts: 1,366 Member
    #4
    Lisa 00 said:

    not really insomnia thoughts,

    Regarding this journey of cancer, and whatever other life circumstances I've had, it gives me pause and some comfort when I contemplate that I chose all of this.  I believe that, not only are our days somewhat planned out before we're born, but that I chose much of my circumstances.  Maybe for me to learn, maybe for others to learn, but for the experience. 

    Not long ago, I had a cousin, age 50 who passed suddenly.  She was my age.  She was my friend.  Nobody was expecting it.  A suddden passing leaves many loose ends and many, many regrets of not spending time, not talking enough, not listening enough, etc.  When one passes after a long illness, it is different.  We have time to plan, to spend time, to pursue a bucket list, etc.  And, frankly, I've come to prefer the latter.     

    Good question, Merrily

    Once in a while, I will think to myself, I was actually diagnosed with the thing I feared most in life and it hasn't beaten me.  I also wonder, how did I get so "lucky" that my cancer was caught relatively "early" at stage 2B?  Why are there other stage 2B women battling recurrences and I'm not?  Why couldn't my co-worker's mom survive her short battle with pancreatic cancer? I don't have answers to these questions.  I do know that I have much to be thankful for and I do my best to enjoy and appreciate each day.  I feel blessed to have you all as my teal sisters.

    Kelly

  • Alexandra
    Alexandra Member Posts: 1,308
    #5
    It's too deep

    Que Sera, Sera... I'm just happy that we are all here now.

    Group hug.

    image

  • 2timothy1 7
    2timothy1 7 Member Posts: 345
    #6
    Thoughts

    I can so relate to the dark or questioning thoughts.

    I've tried  to live by the rules, been a productive citizen, cared for my 3 children and husband & yet this has happened to me. Some say its a test of faith. Well, the test has been going on for over 2 years now.

    And yes, I still believe in God and that heaven will be my home someday. However I do wonder about things I never questioned before. Such as, what's so wrong with assisted suicide in dire situations? I mean we put animals out of their misery don't we? I'm stillpondering this one...

    Ive also heard God only gives the stromg really difficul tests. I don't believe that one. After all, how strong is a 2 year old with cancer? 

    i do believe we reap what we sow at one point or another in life. However, I don't believe that's why this cancer come along to me. After all, I didn't ever wish it on anyone. It's definitely a mutated gene, of course. However, the statement has been made that nothing comes into our life without being filtered through the hands of God. This thought really hurts me. His ways, as the bible says are so much above mine. That's the only answer I have. Nothing else will ever make sense on this side of life.

    wholemeister, I hate that your boss doesn't understand why you need time off. They really just have no clue. I app auld you for even going to work! I have to remind myself of that often. That those wothout cancer can't feel or know whar is going on with me physically or emotionally. 

    oo I also don't think its so much a bad thing to draw attention to your cancer.  I don't think its healthy to do it often or to dwell on it often, if we can distract ourselves with other things. Easier said than done! I've heard people complain about such trivial things. Maybe they should stop and think for a second how  blessed they really are. 

     

    Anyway, I will end this rant with an Abraham Lincoln quote: "Don't ever give up. What's the point in that?"

  • kimberly sue 63
    kimberly sue 63 Member Posts: 421 Member
    #7
    It is tough to struggle with

    It is tough to struggle with sleep. It is like our minds won't shut off. Unfortunately, I also think it is the time that our thoughts with more worries and fears come out with insomnia. Many questions come to our minds at that time. Cancer is a struggle, but you sound strong and are dealing with it on your terms. Never be ashamed on how you have had to handle crisis situations that this cancer has brought. It is no one's place to judge. With my first round of treatment, I too struggled with the hair losss. It was very traumatic. I'm not sure I have completely recovered from it and I have all of it back now. I am now facing my reocurance and anticipating hair loss again. I tell myself...I did it once before and survived....I can do it again. I think we have to morn the losses that cancer has brought to us. It is the way we work through the pain and learn to adapt.

     

    I think we all question why me... Cancer does not discriminate.

    Hang in there and hopefully you will be sleeping better soon. Kim

  • wholfmeister
    wholfmeister Member Posts: 315
    #8
    Alexandra said:

    It's too deep

    Que Sera, Sera... I'm just happy that we are all here now.

    Group hug.

    image

    Me,too!

    I am so happy we have this site to let it all hang out!

    (still awake!)

  • Jue
    Jue Member Posts: 80
    #9
    kimberly sue 63 said:

    It is tough to struggle with

    It is tough to struggle with sleep. It is like our minds won't shut off. Unfortunately, I also think it is the time that our thoughts with more worries and fears come out with insomnia. Many questions come to our minds at that time. Cancer is a struggle, but you sound strong and are dealing with it on your terms. Never be ashamed on how you have had to handle crisis situations that this cancer has brought. It is no one's place to judge. With my first round of treatment, I too struggled with the hair losss. It was very traumatic. I'm not sure I have completely recovered from it and I have all of it back now. I am now facing my reocurance and anticipating hair loss again. I tell myself...I did it once before and survived....I can do it again. I think we have to morn the losses that cancer has brought to us. It is the way we work through the pain and learn to adapt.

     

    I think we all question why me... Cancer does not discriminate.

    Hang in there and hopefully you will be sleeping better soon. Kim

    I think not being able to

    I think not being able to sleep is common to all that have been diagnosed with ovac , I go to sleep then awake around 2am and everything I try not to think about pops into my head , how will this end......how long have I got..... blah blah blah,  I'm trying hard to live in the moment and enjoy every day I have with my fantastic husband and family but it's tough. I too hated losing my hair Kim,  one of the worst things was a few weeks before I was diagnosed I installed mirrored wardrobes next to the bed  I now see a lot of my bald head !  ovca is the pits but chemo takes away that lovely thing that makes us feel feminine our hair. Some people say its a small issue in the scheme of things , my husband kisses my bald head but I still can't get used to it , thank god for make up  and wigs. I hope for all sleep comes easy for you all tonight .jue

  • pandagypsy
    pandagypsy Member Posts: 113 Member
    #10
    debrajo said:

    Night time

    Can't the long nights mess with your thoughts?!   I'm like you, the "whys" are the night time topic of thought when your brain will not shut off.  I seem to think back over the last five years and wonder, why me, poor me, I was always the "good Girl" this is just not supposed to happen, ect.  Not that I thought I would be cancer free for life, but darn, couldn't it wait til I was 60?  I worried about not living long enough to see my youngest son graduate high school, who'd take care of Mama, nobody could do the things I do, ect.  In short, How in the Hell would the world dare to start tomorrow whithout me!  Oh my, the arogance of my mind!  But I am blessed also.  In the beginning the UPSC was "rare", a grade c, poorly differenated, three strikes against me!  But I had no bad reactions to meds,  no stomach upset .very little pain, mostly surgery stuff, was still able to carry  on, see my baby graduate high school, welcome my 9th grandchild, move mama in with me and am able to care for her, keep up with my other four kids, get my husband off to work everyday,ect.  I did think about  servivers guilt quite a bit. Two of the friends that cheered me on during chem, one didn't know the whole time I was doing chemo, he had stage 4 lung cancer with the tumors invaiding his heart.  He passed almost 2 years ago.  The other friend who always talked to me and prayed for me, went in to have gallbladder surgery, just one attack, they found she has pancreatic cancer and is not  doing well.  The whys will drive you crazy! I talked to two of my cousins, both preachers, and according to them, your days are set at your birth.  We just have to do the best with the hand we are dealt.....we all are supposed to live our lives in such a way that the next generation will have a good example to follow.  Now, isn't that enough to think about for the rest of the week?! We are all here  for a reason...we just don't know what it is!  Best, Debra

    insomnia on chemo day

    I should have found this message last night.......from being a person that fell asleep by 7 pm, I finally got tired at 11pm.....and that was after my sleep meds and an added dose of tylenol pm.  I played online spider solitaire to calm my mind......a no brainer, but I did have to think just a bit. 

    I am not as terrified now, being a 3 time survivor.  First was breast cancer when I was 29.....2 young kids to take care of, a very afraid husband (we fought so much, my 4 year old son told his friend that "Daddy pulled all of Mommy's hair out"....the jig was up, the neighbors learnd of my cancer. 2 years later, the cancer was back, but a mastectomy was "all" that was needed.  Fast forward 24 years and I find out I had stage 4 ovarian cancer.......all of the symptoms were explained as stress related (husband laid off, my hours cut at work, the economy crashing all around us). I thought I was done...........seeing movie trailers at the show, I thought, well, I won't be alive in 3 months to see THAT movie (I shared this thought with NO ONE).  after 6 months nasty chemo......surgery with debulking (and a stapled scar that made me cry out "I LOOK LIKE FRANKENSTEIN!"),,,then another 6 months chemo.....the doctor told me I was "treatable, not curable"....ok, I'll take it.  Fast forward again 4 1/2 years later and, thanks to my yearly cat scan, my reoccurance was found early....but it is still CANCER.  More chemo.....just had treatment #4 yesterday......

    Everyone thinks I am "special"...such a "fighter"....they say I will "win" once again......I am so "strong"......

    NO I'M NOT!!!!  It is what it is......I just refuse to crawl under a rock and let it completely ruin the "good" days I have.  The good days we celebrate......eat out (even if it's hot dogs)....go shopping.....make plans..........

    My sadness is for my 2 kids (and grandkids)...what a lousy set of genes I have given them.....what are the chances that my Dad (with severe heart problems) would marry my Mom (with a strong family history of breast cancer).....I have inherited the genes from both.....I have heart problems, blocked arteries, high blood pressure, leaky aorta valve............and then there is the cancer. Luckily, my husband's family has longevity with no health problems in early life, so hopefully the kids got their fair share of those genes.........

    I also wonder why assisted suicide is not "allowed" under the law......isn't that inhumane?  I just hope that when I am done trying to stay alive, I will be given enough pain medication to keep me comfortable.......I think there may be something after death, but you really don't know until it happens, huh?  I love reading of "near death experiences"...but if the person is "back", then they really didn't die!  Can't be afraid of dying......EVERYONE DOES IT!  So, even if there is nothing else afterwards, how will I know that? I will just NOT BE ! ....just my crazy thoughts from not getting enough sleep :)

     

     

  • kikz
    kikz Member Posts: 1,345 Member
    #11
    The night

    really can wreak havoc with our minds.  I can work myself up with thoughts and end up sobbing.  I'm not in any treatment right now other than Tamoxifen, but I have been having trouble sleeping.  When I think of problems or have scary thoughts, I try to remind myself that I can't do anything about it at that moment from my bed.  Doesn't always work but may help shift my thinking a little.

  • debrajo
    debrajo Member Posts: 1,095 Member
    #12
    kikz said:

    The night

    really can wreak havoc with our minds.  I can work myself up with thoughts and end up sobbing.  I'm not in any treatment right now other than Tamoxifen, but I have been having trouble sleeping.  When I think of problems or have scary thoughts, I try to remind myself that I can't do anything about it at that moment from my bed.  Doesn't always work but may help shift my thinking a little.

    The Night

    I've gotten really good at playing "Scarlett O'Hara"!  Her famous parting shot  is" Well, I'll just have to think about it tomorrow".  "After all Tomorrow is another Day".!!!

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