My second time with breast cancer ,finished chemo going through radiation looking for support

I am so sorry that your husband isn't supportive.  I don't know what your relationship was like before cancer?  Men often react so differently than women.  Mine went to work more the first time I was diagnosed (way back in 1987).  He is mostly supportive now - 27 years later...lol.  Sometimes though, he hears so many complaints from me (even though I don't mean to complain) that he kind of tunes it all out.  Then we both freak out if it turns out to be something bad.

My hubbie responds best to lists.  It shouldn't be that way, but I guess it could be worse.  If I know I am having chemo and need extra support I may write down, "Please cook or get take-out for Tuesday.  Unload DW, etc."  I have to be really specific.

My cancer returned in 2005 in ribs and lung.  I had radiation and was started on zometa and arimidex.  By 2010, I was in remission.  In 2013, ribs and lung were still ok, but new cancer mets popped up in my liver.  I have been in remission for several months now.

Take care of yourself!  I finally got into see a psychiatrist a month ago, because I had just about quit being able to sleep and was irritable and feeling manic.

The psychiatrist asked about a zillion questions and then pronounced all of my problems were caused from IV steroids (which I have to take because I have a reaction to herceptin/perjeta otherwise).  Anyway, he has given me meds and I am sleeping, less irritable and anxious.  In short, cancer and all of our therapies and really hit us emotionally.  Don't hesitate to ask for help!!!

Big hugs and I know you will find support here.  Hope you feel better soon and, again, I am so very sorry that you are fighting the beast again Cancer sucks!!!

Hello...sorry your husband does GET IT....when we are super women and have to back down even a bit-people don't know how to handle things or us-

I had hysterctomy 3 yrs ago-it was the first time I DID NOTHING..no cooking, I would order food to be delivered for ME! shocked myself doing that..but I did what I had to do for me.

Have you tried a journal? support group? MY local cancer ctr had a great therapist!

I"ll check back to see how you are doing..

Denise

Sorry husband isn't supportive mine isn't either.  He is over it with my disabilities & surgeries for other things.  I feel alone a lot too.

my family I think doesn't think my cancer is big deal cause it's only stage 0 & my dad was diagnosed a week b4 me w/stage 3 lung cancer.   My lumpectomy is now mastectomy cause I have 3 cancer spots.  I've opted to do double.  I don't want to have to worry @ it coming back.  I suffer from depression & anxiety.  Lately I have been unmotivated to do my art stuff or anything else- I still feel scared & anxious cause when I stop premerin I get severely depressed so I can't even get out of bed.  Right now they r letting me take it again until surgery & we can find suitable substitute-dont need to b depressed any more than what would b normal.

prayers & cheers for standing up for yourself-u go girl

ssb34 said:

Over it

I think you hit on something that I never thought of. I've had multiple illnesses that my hubby might just be over it. Instead of seeing my problems I'm having he might be seeing them as me complaining all the time and is just tuning me out like most husband's do. Someone else mentioned that they are so used to us as being super women that they forget that we have needs,especially now. I sound like I'm going back to my old spineless self again,but I'm a nurturer by nature. I was a nurse until the taxol gave me peripheral neuropathy in my hands and feet. He has been saying he's depressed lately,with a lot of stuff going on with his job,but we are acting more like roommates then a married couple. This has been going on and off between my surgeries and other illnesses. I have even thought about separating after I have my knee surgery,but then I think things will be different then. We can go back to the way things used to be.

I'm also stressed out about paying for my Dads stay in the assisted living until his house sells. I have two brothers that are older than me and have much more money than I do and neither of them are helping me. I don't know if this helped you any but what you wrote really made me think. It also kept me from running down and making him dinner at the time it suits him instead of me,something else he doesn't understand I need to sleep in the evening before dinner. I told him to make it himself lol that went over like a fart in church. I hope I was able to help you because you were able to help me. Hugs to you!!!

My husband was very supportive while I was in active treatment.  He would do anything I asked him to - but I did have to ask him.  He's not all that proactive.  Oh, for the first time in 39 years of marriage, he brought me tea in bed the morning after my breast surgery.  The end.  Hasn't happened since, but I will always remember it.  He has always been good at taking care of himself, but then all of a sudden he also had me to take care of and he didn't have a clue.  Men don't like to not know what to do.  They like to be in charge.

  As I completed my treatments, the rest of the world thought I should be just fine and get on with my life.  But I was still living everything cancer.  I would express my fears and latest news about how some friends were reacting and he would listen without judging.  One day I was complaining about a couple of friends' reactions and he kindly told me "You know, we just get tired of hearing about it.  It's all you talk about".  He was kind but direct.    Had he said that during active treatmenst I don't know what I would have done (yes, I do, I would have cried), but I did need that honest (but kind) feedback when he finally said those words.  That was about 6 months after I was done with treatments. 

Then less than a year ago hubby was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  I wanted to hover and take care of everything. I wanted to do for him what I wanted everyone to do for me.  His treatments were radiation and hormone deprivation shots.  I did accompany him for consults and first radiation, but he really did not want me to "take care of him".   He wanted to be in charge.   His needs were different from mine and his treatments were not at all incapacitating.  He drove himself to radiation every day (so did I most days).  He did not have surgery and so far, the hormone deprivation shots don't seem to have any side effects.  He's doing very well.   I do know he worries prior to PSA tests and doctor appointments just like we do.  I also know it will get better. 

I have found it very enlightening to be both a patient in need of care and a caregiver.  I learned a few things.  One is that I have to tell my husband what I need without whining or deadlines.  I also learned that not everyone needs the same level of care and what they think they need is all they're able to give.  That proved true when he was diagnosed.     I needed tlc and for someone to understand.  I learned that no one who hasn't been there, understood and the best support that I found was right here.  Just reading about others' journeys was supportive and made my journey less frightening. 

Hugs to all

Suzanne

Pixie Dust said:

Speak up and tell him what you think!!!!!!!

I had a very supportive husband. He was there for me 100% all the way. Went with me everytime, anywhere, concerning my BC even if he had to miss work,His workplace let him do this with know pay. He did not expect me to do anything but stay in my recliner and when he would come home from work the first words that came out of his mouth was how are you doing and do I need anything. He did all of the cooking, laundry, going to grocery store and I was his first priority. I know how you feel after having chemo.I did not have radition. I was not able to do anything. I did good getting out of my recliner and going to the bathroom. I will tell you one thing, I would sit him down and give him a good talking to and if he did not like it show him where the front door is and then let the door hit him you know where while he was leaving, and tell him you will have his clothes packed the next day and he can pick them up outside. I bet he will think twice then before he walks out that door. Nonsence a women fighting for her life with BC going through something like this with their husband. Wishing you well!!!!!!!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us ..  Not all husbands are as kind, and supportive as your's.   Nice to see the other side of the coin.   Personally,  I share your experience as my hubby supported me -- others, not so much.

Vicki Sam

Please let us know how you are doing !!!!!    Hugs, Donna