(BBPD) Funny Bonz 2014
Comments
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Idle thoughts of a wandering mind...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
********************
I had amnesia once---or twice
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Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
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Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?0 -
Lexophile..."Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in anUndisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U. C. L. A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired..
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.0 -
Futuristic Tokyo Hotel...garym said:Lexophile...
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as"you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in anUndisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U. C. L. A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
... Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired..
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman withdrew his tender unit........
which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.0 -
Think you know everything???
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
There , now you know everything!
0 -
Ha ha hagarym said:Think you know everything???
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
There , now you know everything!
I think my husband is a snail.
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Pregnant at 71!!!CommuterMom said:Ha ha ha
I think my husband is a snail.
At 71, Mrs. Murphy went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older Doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the heck is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded, "Mrs. Murphy is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
"The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?"0 -
Two duck hunters in Wisconsin...garym said:Pregnant at 71!!!
At 71, Mrs. Murphy went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older Doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the heck is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded, "Mrs. Murphy is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?
"The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?"ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter and of course all of the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.Our two Rocket Scientists afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust,
they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...?
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it. The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on.Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane!!!!!!
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end. He yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then KABOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And the owner still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
.
The dog is okay....doing fine.
And you thought all Rednecks lived in the South.......0 -
New words from Mensa..
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.0 -
Proof the world is nuts...garym said:New words from Mensa..
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1..Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2..Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ****.
3..Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4..Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5..Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6..Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8..Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9..Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one received extra credit.)
11.Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.
12.Decafalon(n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13.Glibido: All talk and no action.
14.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.Beelzebug(n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.Caterpallor( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit yo u're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1..Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2..Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3..Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5..Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6..Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7...Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp. (I looove this one!)
8..Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9..Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10.Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12..Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have
sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal
is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine
a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia
is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job
is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally
allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but
may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool ,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have
sex with her husband, and the first time this happens,
her mother must be in the room to witness the act..
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man
to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only in places where alcoholic beverages
are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well... not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!0 -
Yes, indeed…I am always awed at the learning of great wisdom….!!garym said:Proof the world is nuts...
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have
sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal
is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine
a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking
directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals
of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers.
The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia
is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job
is to travel the countryside and deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly
forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally
allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but
may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool ,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have
sex with her husband, and the first time this happens,
her mother must be in the room to witness the act..
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man
to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only in places where alcoholic beverages
are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well... not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet..
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this.
If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam!Unfortunately for many, and for the world,it is only when you see a mosquito landing onyour testicles that yourealize that there is always a way to solveproblems without using violence ...0 -
New slogans...garym said:Yes, indeed…I am always awed at the learning of great wisdom….!!
Unfortunately for many, and for the world,it is only when you see a mosquito landing onyour testicles that yourealize that there is always a way to solveproblems without using violence ...US Army...We're proud of our privates!
KY Jelly...We can't think of any other uses for it either.
Hooked on Phonics...Helping kids read gooder.
Daisy Air Rifles...Keeping kids off your lawn since 1886!
Mary Kay...Like a cult, but without the animal sacrifice.
Dyslexia Society...Dyslexics Untie!
Las Vegas...Its only a gambling problem if you're losing!
Outback Steakhouse...There's plenty of room for God's creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes.
Sushi...Still your best bet for intestinal worms.
Budwieser...Say no to drugs, that way you'll have more time to drink!
Exxon...Where are all the news crews when we're not spilling anything?
Hallmark...Face it, you'll never come up with anything clever on your own!
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Stopped bby police at 2:00 AM...An older man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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A quiet romantic dinner...garym said:Stopped bby police at 2:00 AM...
An older man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"The man replied, "That would be my wife."
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in."0 -
Golf by David Feherty...garym said:A quiet romantic dinner...
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in."Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind (probably always on time delay these days).Feherty Quotes:"It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group.""Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.""That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon.""I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week.He is attending the birth of his next wife."Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime -"VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."(Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)"That's a great shot with that swing.""It's OK - the bunker stopped it."At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day.The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it.""That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today.""Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.""That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".0 -
JOHNS HOPKINS STUDY
The National Institute of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Time to liven up this place..Alexandra said:JOHNS HOPKINS STUDY
The National Institute of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
So, here is a video.. and if it does not make you laugh, well.. you need help..!
Oh yes the must have warning.. watching this video may cause an underwear accident.. if you are wearing any.. ooops..https://www.youtube.com/embed/tjJc8xLYhak
Ron
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humorGSRon said:Time to liven up this place..
So, here is a video.. and if it does not make you laugh, well.. you need help..!
Oh yes the must have warning.. watching this video may cause an underwear accident.. if you are wearing any.. ooops..https://www.youtube.com/embed/tjJc8xLYhak
Ron
That Mrs. Brown is some funny stuff! Even funnier because I was thinking about that video yesterday. No kidding. Be well my friend.
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