Divorce after breast cancer

Hi Chris, how sad.

You certainly find out who cares for you when this kind of thing hits.  I understand some handle it badly because they are afraid.  My other three family members handled it differently.  We all came through it and I know they all cared a great deal in there own ways.  But yes indeed it can end marriages, friendships etc I am sorry it happened to you.  If for the best then I hope you are happier now and moving on.  

Difficult to hear your story. WE all have our own. BUT in some ways cancer was the best thing that happened to me.  The best years of your life could be ahead of you!  HONEST! It is time to be YOU! Live for all the things you never had time to do cause you were always there for others. You will find the part of your self you didn't have time for and a perspective only this beast of a desease can offer us.

It is not only about finding your new normal, but loving and living the rest of your life your way.

All the best babe.

Sherry

GMcD said:

I am so sorry you had this

I am so sorry you had this lack of support but applaud your courage in reckonizing that you can start a new life.  Best wishes to you on your next journey.

and forces us to look at our lives and the people in it honestly.  I'm so sorry you're facing this difficult change, but you've mustered up the strength and courage to make the change and no matter how it works out for you, you will continue to grow and learn.  Should you reunite with your husband in time, that relationship will be different, too.   It just sort of is what it is.  We're all changed in some way.  Best of luck to you.

Suzanne

I most certainly can, my husban and i will be getting ready to "celebrate" our 30th anniversary. 

He was there for my surgery, and a couple of my chemo treatments, but by that time, he and my grown children were thinking, I made it this far, (stage 3 breast cancer), that I should just get on with my life, as if nothing happened, heres my prob... i look in the mirror, I am reminded of it, I have to go see my doctor every 3 months, again I am reminded, I just came from my annual check up (scans etc), it always there reminding me.

But anyway, my husband and I have been getting more distant, more him than me, lately I cannot say anything to him, without him getting upset with me, or acting like I am trying to "tell" him how do something, I am always the blame for whatever goes wrong in his or our lives.

I feel like we are just kinda stuck with one another at the moment, he will get a divorce once he gets his back pay from his disability, (he recently was approved for SS disability due to his ongoing back issues).

So, yes, I do understand totally what you are going thru.  Its not your fault.. most men cannot handle this, yet don't want to admit it, so they have to blame other things.

Our veteraninan, was diag with breast cancer a few years ago, and she to, went thru a divorce, because her husband of many yrs, (decades) just couldn't handle the cancer that she was going thru. 

I don't understand it, but for whatever reasons, God had made us women to be stonger, so that we can endure these situations in our lives.

I just made reservations for myself in Branson, Mo, my husband doesn't know anything about it, and I just need some "Me" time without him for a few days.

Wish it could be a big Pink Bus Party, it would do us all good.

I do hope I will be as strong as you, if it comes down to divorce, i pray that I will find that strength within myself when the time comes.

But hang in there, and may God continue to watch over you.

littleangel65 (Linda)

Well Chris....I can relate in a different way to what you have shared with us.   First of all I do know about divorce which happened to me after almost 13 years of marriage at the age of 31..I had two young sons then....and I do know how traumatic divorce can be.  I remarried and was happy for 30 years and then was widowed.....four years before my BC Diagnosis.     What I want to share with you is how family members reacted when I was diagnosed with the BC..........my sister came for the lumpectomy and stayed a week and then I did not see her again for 5 years.  My youngest son came once and then had to return to the City where he worked.  My oldest son was far away in CA and did not come at all.   I found that when my son or any of my church friends were with me I tended to want to "LEAN" on them for strength.......and I now believe that having to ONLY RELY ON MY OWN STRENGTH WITH THE HELP OF GOD....was what got me thru everythingfor the past twelve years.

Just a thought.  Also....sometimes what we think is the worst thing is actually the best....as the gal above said.    

What courage you have.  I sometimes I wish I would have had as much instead I decided to stay and work at this when my partner I don't think made that same decision instead decided to just stay.

Now 19 years later and we are at the same distance we were when I was fighting for my life.  I felt on my own then and still do now since my partner is not engaged as I...  I just have not been that excited about starting over once again.  Life gets comfortable and yes when your child says sorry for not being there it means the world.  I had always thought cancer would be the thing to bring families together instead it seperates us with all the fear theirs and mine. 

Having just lost my father after 6 years of my mother taking care of him I realize just how lucky I have been.  I always say that talking about dying as much as living has helped me more than anything through my life.  My mother and father were realists and thankfully my mother the nurse for that is the only reason my father lived so long no one could have taken care of him better than her and she told me long ago there was no great love between them. 

I admire your ability to choose your happiness or for that matter knowing what that might be.  I always say I know what happiness isn't but not necessarily what it is...

Tara

Hi Chris, I am very sorry to hear you feel you are alone in fighting the cancer. When I read your thread, I found my husband did the same. He went with me to the hospital for the surgery, he took me upstairs after going home, handed me a cell phone to call the house phone when I needed help, and slept in another bedroom. I too plan on driving myself to treatments. However, I still feel he is there with me And I am not alone. He has his own work to take care of. He has to do all of the housework when I am not able to. He is already very busy. so I try to do things on my own whenever I can. Sleeping in different bedrooms helps us both get sound sleep while getting good rest is so important to both he and I.  I do not mean to justify what your husband did. but would like to offer another angle to interpret what he did. Hope you well!

Turiginy said:

I'm so sorry to know that...

I'm so sorry you had this dearth of help but applaud your courage in reckonizing which you should begin a life that is new. Best compliments on your trip that is next to you.

________________________

Ronald A. Tobin

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it angers me that "family supporters" cannot deal or be there for the person with cancer.....my mother has cancer and is terminal and with each day it is getting worse and worse and i am there to snuggle her love her and just sit with her and be with her.... when you cant do that for someone you love or are scared to, i think thats bull crap this person is your family and needs you they should be given anything they need in a time when they need love and support so much.... if she asked me for anything i would do it ....why deny someone who is sick something you can give that will give them a smile on their face...

20 years ago my mother was diagnoised with her first cancer over a 15 year period she had 5 different types.  Mother passed 5 years ago.  I never felt it was a burden to care for her.  My father did.  He kept his head in the sand and acted like if he ignored it, it would go away.  It also was a major inconvience to him.  He regrets that now but it is too late.  My brother and sister never participated in her care.  Too busy, too far away (lives 20 min. away) and other excuses...blah blah blah. 

13 years ago, my son was diagnoised.  My boyfriend's actual words were, "This is all depressing me."   I showed his depressed rear the front door. 

 Feb of 2016 was my breast cancer diagnosis and I am fighting like a girl!  I had a double mastectomy and going through the song and dance of chemo.  My current partner does not get it.  Downplays and thinks I am being a baby about my fatigue and chemo brain.  My partner will even whine to me over the lack of their lack of sleep, a cold, a hangnail.  I am getting ready to open that front door again!

   I SAY all this to say this:  Dont ever apologise for being ill.  It is not your fault.  Don't ever tolorate someone that says they love you and then act like a complete ****.  Negative vibes do not promote healing.   I have been on both sides of this street.  Is it overwhelming?  OF COURSE IT IS!   But if you have a loved one with cancer, you do not mind one bit and will go the extra mile to help them.  You will sacrifice your life and put it on hold for them.  That is what love it about. 

Sincerely,

Annie