hello I miss you

Hello, I am new here. I was searching for something today and I stumbled across this website. Maybe it will help because I know nothing seems to.

My husband was 31 years old when he died of non-small squamous cell lung cancer. 31....He has been gone for almost 4 years.

And my life has spiralled out of control without him. I lost who I was, who he believed in. I lost myself and I am desprately trying to find me again. Me without him.

Hi name was Dustin, and he was good, and funny and a great husband, a great step-father...He was so good, and he is gone.

I have never really grieved I guess. At least my mom and a few of my friends tell me that. I went from marrying him to caring him to losing him and after that loss I jumped

into something else. Something that has not been good. I am trying to find my path. 

Perhaps I will find a friend on here who can help me. Or I can finally tell my story.

I met Dustin online. He had written a post called "Dating is Crap". I read it and laughed. I replied and through a series of emails I came to care about this new friend. Slowly

we felt more and more comfortable with one another that we decided to meet. I remember getting to the Chili's restaurant and thinking, what if he doesn't come? I was

certainly nervous. I faced with my back facing the door. Perhaps I was afraid of what is initial reaction would be upon meeting me. He came in and sat down across from me.

And overdinner he never once acted as though he had just met me. Instead it was as if he was talking to an old friend. He made me laugh. I think he even tried my food. I

instantly felt at ease with him. Our dinner ended but our date didn't. We went on to get coffee at a small place up the street. Sitting on an over sigzed couch people

watching. I learned about his family, his son whom he adored, his passion for music, his passion for Christ. It was close to 1 am when we decided we had each better go our

ways. And Iremember hugging him by the car. Having no idea that this was the first night of what would become an EPIC love story.

I don't remember many times after that without Dustin. He just kind of because this permament part of my life. We met in November, by January we were engaged, and in

July we married. Our wedding was every thing magical and amazing. As was our life together. I couldn't have been happier.

Thirteen months after we wed Dustin got a strange pain in his back. He went to the doctor. And he found out he could have cancer. Protecting me he chose to not tell me until

he knew for sure. Later his fears were confirmed. In that short time we then went on a wild ride of drugs, hospitals, infections, fear, loss of faith, acceptance...and finally 10 

months later with my by his side, lying in a hospital bed in our room, he left. We had been married 23 months. Only 23 months and the love of my life was gone. 

I got lost these last 4 years. I got involved with a man who lost his wife to cancer also but who is mentally abusive. He has literally sucked the life out of me. But I don't care 

Because Dustin is gone. And I feel I let him down by not finding him someone to cure him. So I put up with the abuse. I listen to my friends tell me this man is no good. I 

listen to my kids ask me to please not be with him. I listen as my parents say that being with this man will certainly kill me. But I am already dead. I died when my Dustin 

died. The mental abuse has started to turn more to where I feel I want to end my life.... I am so lost so confused as to where the woman that Dustin knew went.

I am sorry to dump this out here to complete strangers. I am clinging to something..., If only I knew what.

I miss you Dusty...I can't hear you anymore... are you there?