rls67

hope he sees this.

and Anna. My wife is doing ok. Its been a while since I posted. Not sure what I mentioned. She was in the hospital for about a week two weeks ago with severe pain and trouble breathing. She had about a liter of fluid around her lungs from the cancer taken out. She is back on folfiri, since that is the only option left. She is very tired all the time and hardly eats. I don't know what that means and it scares me. I am seeing here wither away everyday. She walks different and she even talks different. I can barely recognize her voice on the phone. I hope I am wrong, but it feels like she is slipping away from me. Christmas was hard, all the kids were there, but she was to weak to even help cook. All the things she loves to do around the holidays she didn't do. I miss my wife. Does that sound crazy? She seems like a shell of herself. Sorry for rambling. I appreciate your asking. It means alot to me.

Chelsea71 said:

That's exactly how I felt

That's exactly how I felt with Steve at the end.  I can remember using your same words to describe him to someone, "It's like he's become a shell of his former self".  He just became someone I didn't recognize.  With Steve what really got me was his lack of appetite.  He always loved food.  I always joked that I would know that he was really sick when he stopped eating.  Little did I know.....   The last few weeks of Steve's life he slept constantly.  Awake for only several hours within a 24 hour period.  His passion in life was putting together WW2 model airplanes.  Suddenly he lost interest.  I was constantly at him to push himself harder, tried like crazy to get him to eat..... bought all his favorite foods.  I eventually realized there was no hope and decided to stop pushing.  Anyways, I recognize now that my grieving started early, while he was still alive.  I think to some extent it started the day he was diagnosed with stage four c c.  During his last couple of months I mourned for him as though he was already gone.....and in the important ways, he was.  We would be sitting side by side on the couch, watching tv and I would be missing my husband.  

But that was just my experience.  It wouldn't shock me at all if your wife was to improve.  People here have been in pretty bad shape and have been able to turn it around.  But in the meantime, it's heartbreaking for us to watch.  There is no worse form of torture than having to watch a loved one suffer.  I hope things turn around with your wife.  At least she was home for Christmas and not stuck in the hospital.  Stay strong and look after yourself.  Take it one day at a time.  (I'll bet your sick of hearing that piece of advice.  For me, it worked.  I am actually still in one day at a time mode).

Oh boy Chelsey. That is exactly how I feel. I to started grieving when she was first diagnosed. Because I knew how it will end. I miss her so much. It's crazy I know. She sits right next to me but its not the real her. I feel my heart getting crushed everyday. I feel like half the man I used to be. I have been in mourning for months and I can't stop it. This is killing me.