needing to vent a bit

katenorwood
katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
in Head and Neck Cancer #1

Hello everyone,

Well I'll have to see my primary in the a.m.  Having alot of issues with pain in the right lung.  (the one I had resected last Dec.)  Also waking up from a deep sleep with major pain behind my left eye.  Can we say Damn on site here ?  Damn, damn, damn.  Well that's how I feel right now.  I was being such a smarty pants putting out my rechecks so I wouldn't ruin my families holidays again.  Had everything lined up for January '14.  Yes I know my health concerns are in reality pretty darn bleak.  Crap, I don't want to face things or make descisions anymore.  But as I've heard on site here many times....I'll pull my big girl panties up and face the music.  The pain is too intense to ignore anymore. 

I don't hear many talk of controling the fear factor of what's really no longer in our realm to control.  I will compare it to the very first time I dove off the high board into the swimming pool.  You know you're a good swimmer, but the height scares the beejeebers out of you anyway.  Well I'm gonna climb the ladder, look down and jump.  What else do you do right ? 

Thanks for reading my ramblings again.  And I'll take any mojo, prayers or strenghth I can get.

Hugs sent !   Katie

Comments

  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    #2
    I can feel you, Katie....

    in my heart, I can feel some of what is rolling through you.  You're right, nobody ever says anything about controlling the fear.....is there a trick?  Is there a method?  Is there a process in thinking that people simply go through and eventually get to the other side?  I don't know either.  My mother was one of those people who wanted to know everything, and then deal with all facts....I can't say I'm the same way at all.....though I've only dealt with small facts so far in my life.  Maybe this fear is like all the fears we've already passed through in our time.....that once it has been dumped in our laps, our innermost selves goes to work on it.....shaping our perspective to deal with it....we have been terrified of unknown things since we were children.....that part of the human condition stays with us, and the "things" get bigger as we grow older, but we still manage to get through.....I don't know if I'm making sense, because it feels like I'm rambling....

    Just know that I'm holding your hand as you go in tomorrow.....and I also have you safely tucked into my pocket.....prayers go, too....that is without question.

    p

  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,724 Member
    #3
    the vent is for you to use

    Dear Katie,

    Your pain I hope your doctors can help you with and soon and with comfort.

    Your fear is only something I peaked in the door at when I found I had cancer.  I hope your fear eases as you move forward.

    You can ramble here with your friends anytime. 

    Per your request, my most heartfelt Mojo, prayers and strength.

    Matt

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
    #4
    katie, its ok to vent.  i'm

    katie, its ok to vent.  i'm so sorry you're in pain.  its a good idea for you to see the doc to ease the pain if nothing else.  also need to find out what the pain behind the eye is.  that sounds awful.  it is understandable that you don't want to face things and make decisions, u've been doing that for so long now, and major decisions at that.    u definitely deserve a break.  sometimes those big girl panties don't want to go up at the moment.  unfortunately, we all feel fear and i don't think anyone has come up with a process to control it.  what you are going thru is so heartbreaking, i wish we had a magic button to push and make it all better.  i'm sending you lots of good mojo and many, many prayers to feel better. 

    God bless you, Katie.

    dj

  • hwt
    hwt Member Posts: 2,328 Member
    #5
    debbiejeanne said:

    katie, its ok to vent.  i'm

    katie, its ok to vent.  i'm so sorry you're in pain.  its a good idea for you to see the doc to ease the pain if nothing else.  also need to find out what the pain behind the eye is.  that sounds awful.  it is understandable that you don't want to face things and make decisions, u've been doing that for so long now, and major decisions at that.    u definitely deserve a break.  sometimes those big girl panties don't want to go up at the moment.  unfortunately, we all feel fear and i don't think anyone has come up with a process to control it.  what you are going thru is so heartbreaking, i wish we had a magic button to push and make it all better.  i'm sending you lots of good mojo and many, many prayers to feel better. 

    God bless you, Katie.

    dj

    Katie

    So sorry for your pain. I continually say that I feel fortunate not to have pain, just 24/7 discomfort. And, I understand that sometimes you just plain get tired of trying and being strong.  Seems I have a meltdown and then move forward again.  I don't give as much thought to what is around the corner as perhaps I should. I avoid laying in bed when I wake because that is when the thoughts start creeping in for me. I either hop out of bed or I say to myself "today is a day the Lord has given me, get up and rejoice in it". I know it has to be tenfold more difficult when you are in pain. Hopefully, you will get some relief at your doctors appt.

    Prayers for a brighter New Year!

    God Bless,

    Candi

  • katenorwood
    katenorwood Member Posts: 1,912
    #6
    Thank you so much !

    Well pooh !  Good news Lung is probably not causing the pain.  Bad news is probable bone mets on entire right side.  On a coarse of strong prednisone for the pain, and more tests schedualed for the 7th.  Doctor wasn't sure if this will ease the pain or not, (fingers and toes crossed) poor guy almost got smacked.  Seriously when he was pushing on each rib tears were just streaming down my face.  I want to thank you each for the encouraging words.  It really does help having others understanding my crazy, mixed up thoughts. 

    Phrannie, I'm so like your Mother.  I want to know.  Harsh, but it's my journey.  I would like to figure out the path I want to be on for pain control and who will help me with daily living.  But like Candi I want to push those thoughts away....far far away.  So I'll get things lined up the best I can.  And then just try to be happy and pain free for as long as I can.  Hugs sent to all !  Katie

  • wolfen
    wolfen Member Posts: 1,324 Member
    #7
    hwt said:

    Katie

    So sorry for your pain. I continually say that I feel fortunate not to have pain, just 24/7 discomfort. And, I understand that sometimes you just plain get tired of trying and being strong.  Seems I have a meltdown and then move forward again.  I don't give as much thought to what is around the corner as perhaps I should. I avoid laying in bed when I wake because that is when the thoughts start creeping in for me. I either hop out of bed or I say to myself "today is a day the Lord has given me, get up and rejoice in it". I know it has to be tenfold more difficult when you are in pain. Hopefully, you will get some relief at your doctors appt.

    Prayers for a brighter New Year!

    God Bless,

    Candi

    Katie

    I hope by now you have seen the doctor & that he was able to alleviate the pain, as well as put your fears to rest.

    If there is a way to control fear, I've not discovered it. All I know to do is face it head on as tough as it might be. Just a little humor meant to make you smile. Several years ago, I went to the cabin for a few days alone. In the middle of the night, I kept hearing a strange pinging noise. I was sure someone had broken in & was terrified. I grabbed the pistol & carefully crept from the bedroom to the kitchen. No one was in sight, but I found a monstrous cricket trapped under a frying pan turned upside down in the dish drainer. May your fear be only a cricket.

    Luv,

    Wolfen

  • donfoo
    donfoo Member Posts: 1,773 Member
    #8
    katenorwood said:

    Thank you so much !

    Well pooh !  Good news Lung is probably not causing the pain.  Bad news is probable bone mets on entire right side.  On a coarse of strong prednisone for the pain, and more tests schedualed for the 7th.  Doctor wasn't sure if this will ease the pain or not, (fingers and toes crossed) poor guy almost got smacked.  Seriously when he was pushing on each rib tears were just streaming down my face.  I want to thank you each for the encouraging words.  It really does help having others understanding my crazy, mixed up thoughts. 

    Phrannie, I'm so like your Mother.  I want to know.  Harsh, but it's my journey.  I would like to figure out the path I want to be on for pain control and who will help me with daily living.  But like Candi I want to push those thoughts away....far far away.  So I'll get things lined up the best I can.  And then just try to be happy and pain free for as long as I can.  Hugs sent to all !  Katie

    Damn.

    Katie,

    So sorry about the doctor's visit. It has been such a long battle and you are amazing in your spirit and determination. Pain really is the worst symptom of all. Hoping you get that addressed as there is no reason to have to suffer. Happy New Year! Don

  • Mikemetz
    Mikemetz Member Posts: 465 Member
    #9
    katenorwood said:

    Thank you so much !

    Well pooh !  Good news Lung is probably not causing the pain.  Bad news is probable bone mets on entire right side.  On a coarse of strong prednisone for the pain, and more tests schedualed for the 7th.  Doctor wasn't sure if this will ease the pain or not, (fingers and toes crossed) poor guy almost got smacked.  Seriously when he was pushing on each rib tears were just streaming down my face.  I want to thank you each for the encouraging words.  It really does help having others understanding my crazy, mixed up thoughts. 

    Phrannie, I'm so like your Mother.  I want to know.  Harsh, but it's my journey.  I would like to figure out the path I want to be on for pain control and who will help me with daily living.  But like Candi I want to push those thoughts away....far far away.  So I'll get things lined up the best I can.  And then just try to be happy and pain free for as long as I can.  Hugs sent to all !  Katie

    Tri-facial nerve?

    Katie,

    I had the severe pain behind my left (treated side) eye for a long time.  It hurt the most in the morning, right after I woke up every day--probably from the pressure of my head on my pillow.  Turns out it was the upper track of the tri-facial nerve being aggravated by the swelling from the rads.  I went to a pain specialist who prescribed gabopentin, a nerve pain blocker, and celebrex to control the swelling.  I've had great results.  Hopefully that might be what's causing your pain--not mets. 

    Mike

     

  • TracyLynn72
    TracyLynn72 Member Posts: 839
    #10
    katenorwood said:

    Thank you so much !

    Well pooh !  Good news Lung is probably not causing the pain.  Bad news is probable bone mets on entire right side.  On a coarse of strong prednisone for the pain, and more tests schedualed for the 7th.  Doctor wasn't sure if this will ease the pain or not, (fingers and toes crossed) poor guy almost got smacked.  Seriously when he was pushing on each rib tears were just streaming down my face.  I want to thank you each for the encouraging words.  It really does help having others understanding my crazy, mixed up thoughts. 

    Phrannie, I'm so like your Mother.  I want to know.  Harsh, but it's my journey.  I would like to figure out the path I want to be on for pain control and who will help me with daily living.  But like Candi I want to push those thoughts away....far far away.  So I'll get things lined up the best I can.  And then just try to be happy and pain free for as long as I can.  Hugs sent to all !  Katie

    praying

    for you!  I'm so sorry about all that you've gone through and continue to face.  You are the definition of true warrior and the encouragement that you bring to everyone else is just amazing.  Keep us posted and know that we are ALL here pulling for you and standing with you each and every step.  ((HUGS))

  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #11
    Hi Katie

     

    Venting is something we all need from time to time, it somehow helps life the weight off our shoulder. As you said time to deal with the problem come what may. Your Mom would be proud of you to see the courage you have in not giving up as you have a lot to live for.

     

    Praying for you

    Tim Hondo

  • Skiffin16
    Skiffin16 Member Posts: 8,305 Member
    #12
    Mojo

    You got my mojo...K

    Hang tough babe...., like the fighter that I know you are..

    John

  • luv4lacrosse
    luv4lacrosse Member Posts: 1,410 Member
    #13
    VENT AWAY

    Katie, if anyone can relate to what you are going through, it's your family here at CSN. You are a strong person and you will get through this too.

    Best

    Mike

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