Christmas Hope

I haven't posted in some time but I feel that I owe it everyone looking for hope, for those that don't remember me feel free to read my history.

After be given two years to live my husband did chemo, colon resection, ilieostomy, liver embolization and 65% liver resection. He was NED for a year and then got the news that the tumor that they could not resect (too close to hepatic artery so the ablated it) was back. We were devastated and was given the option of chemo again (been doing chemo since March).

Today was a usual chemo day and they told him that Madison wants to schedule a procedure (put radiation beads in the liver tumor via groin). I don't know a thing about this procedure (wasn't at chemo today) but my husband likes to know every thing the doctors are thinking so he asked if they were trying to slow the cancer or actually kill the tumor and the doctor said that they were going for the kill and they haven't given up on a cure! Now, I know where my husband stands, he is stage lv and isn't considered curable but I can't help but be so excited! I layed next to him last night while he was sleeping, layed my hands on him and asked GOD to heal him so I am in awe today. Yep, still have my faith.

Anyway, I have a confession... I think I had accepted that I was losing my husband and had resolved to love him as much as I can until our last day. I started mourning my losing him before he is even gone, is this normal? I don't want to waste any of our moments but I find myself laying close to him, smelling him, touching him and hoping that some how I can put those memories away so I can recall them later.

We had to sell our home and land and move to a much smaller place that we worked six weeks on to make it out home, moved in and four days later have a torando h(Aug 21st) it our "new to us" little house and did over 70,000 dollars damage. So not only was my husband doing chemo but we were living in a house that was draped in plastic and covered in drywall dust. Yep, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and my family. Well, almost 4 months later we can eat in our kitchen! lol

I've learned alot... I learned to be happy even when the things around me weren't ideal. I've learned that I am a very simple gal and that I don't need a lot of material things. I can be happy with the basics, which is really good because the basics are what I have. I still have my horses so I have more than the basics but other than them- basics.

I have one other thing to tell you... as you can guess, things have been finacially tough - really tough. I had resorted to using my Walmart card for groceries and knew very well it was close to being maxed out (only $300 limit). One of you had posted a link for a foundation that donates to care givers. I thought "what the heck" and filled out the app. I never heard anything so just figured that I didn't make the cut. I was worried... but I talked to GOD about it and told him I was putting it down and I did. It was only three days later that I got a check in the mail from the foundation for 250 dollars. It was just enough to pay the card back down so I can buy more groceries and have something nice for CHRISTmas dinner for my family. SO thanks to whom ever posted that.

I felt that I needed to make this post to help those that need hope. I am so excited to have hope for CHRISTmas!

GOD's blessings...

Brenda