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  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #22
    Aw, I thought someone had

    Aw, I thought someone had answered me.......

  • Rocquie
    Rocquie Member Posts: 869 Member
    #23
    Ailidh said:

    Aw, I thought someone had

    Aw, I thought someone had answered me.......

    For Ailidh

    Yes, I thought someone had written to you too. So I thought I would; I have been wondering about you anyway.

    So, how are you doing? Feeling any better? Stronger? Sleeping? I suppose we all have those same after effects of our disease and treatment. And they are the hardest part--because we have to do it alone. I really do wonder if I will ever go through a day without thinking of some aspect of my lymphoma and the journey it took me on. 

    Some things make me laugh. Like the time I was using a walker and needed to use the restroom while in a restaurant. Someone was in the larger handicapped stall, and since I didn't think I could wait, I went on into one of the smaller booths. Trying to get in there, get the door closed, then get the walker turned around, was quite an ordeal. I was banging the walker around and hitting the metal partitions, making the most outlandish noise. It sounded like I was tearing the place down. Just thinking about that makes me burst into laughter. (For an added visual, I was also pale as a sheet and wearing an awful wig).

    Other times, I am moved to tears. Like remembering the day, when I was in the hospital, so sick, and my doctor hugged me and cried with me. 

    I hope you are doing well, Ailidh. I think of you often.

    Love,

    Rocquie

     

     

     

  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #24
    Thankyou, Rocquie, for

    Thankyou, Rocquie, for writing and for thinking about me. I'm still up and down but I suppose around a narrower spread: I haven't been Dreadfully low for a while now but I don't see to get very high either.

    For some neck pain the doctor prescribed Amitriptyline 10mg. I wasn't sure, knowing that it's and anti-depressant in higher doses, but I started it on Saturday and have had 6.5+ hours sleep each night. The daytime grogginess is wearing off. I'm very gradually beginning to feel a bit more relaxed about sleeping, although fear of sleeplessness is still a big issue, which annoys me. The doctors keep encouraging me to realize that my recovery is a process, not an instant fix; I try to take that on board, it stops me feeling guilty....

    I saw the Consultant for my 3 month check yesterday. She felt all my nodes, confirmed I'm fine.  Does it take a while to believe them? :D

    Anyway, how are you going on?

  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #25
    A week on and the tiny dose

    A week on and the tiny dose of Amitriptyline is doing well for me. I haven't dropped below 6.5 hours' sleep since I started, sometimes I get all of that in one lump too! Gradually, I'm being able to trust that I'll sleep when I go to bed. My mood is fair; I'm still tired and sleepy most days, though not nearly as bad; the anxiety comes and goes but is usually about actual things, rather than being attacked by random anxiety surges. I just need to learn to trust this new normal! Still a fair ways to go but disposed to believe that I'm getting there.

     

    Hope all are doing OK.

  • NANCYL1
    NANCYL1 Member Posts: 289
    #26
    Ailidh said:

    A week on and the tiny dose

    A week on and the tiny dose of Amitriptyline is doing well for me. I haven't dropped below 6.5 hours' sleep since I started, sometimes I get all of that in one lump too! Gradually, I'm being able to trust that I'll sleep when I go to bed. My mood is fair; I'm still tired and sleepy most days, though not nearly as bad; the anxiety comes and goes but is usually about actual things, rather than being attacked by random anxiety surges. I just need to learn to trust this new normal! Still a fair ways to go but disposed to believe that I'm getting there.

     

    Hope all are doing OK.

    SLEEP

    Hello Ailidh:

    Glad to hear that the Amitriptyline is helping.

    I may be repeating myself, but before taking the Amitriptyline, were you sleeping alot during the day?  If you were, that could very well have cut into sleep at night.

    Nancy

  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #27
    Hi Nancy, thanks for

    Hi Nancy, thanks for replying.

    No, I don't nap during the day, and haven't since the emotional episode started.

    My sleep's still quite good at night but my mood has been up and down. I discovered that Ibuprofen can cause anxiety and depression (the doc prescribed it for the bad shoulder, as the pain of it can wake me from the deepest sleep) so I've cut that out as of yesterday, to see if it helps. It's all trial and error, this recuperation game, isn't it?

     

    Hope you are well.

  • NANCYL1
    NANCYL1 Member Posts: 289
    #28
    Ailidh said:

    Hi Nancy, thanks for

    Hi Nancy, thanks for replying.

    No, I don't nap during the day, and haven't since the emotional episode started.

    My sleep's still quite good at night but my mood has been up and down. I discovered that Ibuprofen can cause anxiety and depression (the doc prescribed it for the bad shoulder, as the pain of it can wake me from the deepest sleep) so I've cut that out as of yesterday, to see if it helps. It's all trial and error, this recuperation game, isn't it?

     

    Hope you are well.

    AILIDH

    Ailidh:

    You are right, there is a lot of trial and error, particularly with pills.  Never heard that Ibuprofen can cause anxiety and depression.  Tylenol seems to be OK for me:  Acetaminophen.

    Nancy

     

     

  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #29
    Things had been quite good

    Things had been quite good for a while but I was thrown last week by my Mum (93) being unexpectedly hospitalized for a couple of days. She's now home and fine. Now the dog (18) has been ill and I took him to the vet today, fearing it was Time. vet has given him medication but wants him back tomorrow to Decide. A friend came today but I'll be alone tomorrow.

    I've been crying all day today, terrified I'll sink into the Pit again. Then, when I was praying this Evening I suddenly shouted at God, "First you'll take the dog, then you'll take Mum, then I'll be all alone" and I discovered I was crying for the life I haven't had - it wasn't a conscious decision to be single it just happened. Curiously, I feel a little better now I know what the matter is but if anyone can spare a hug, I'd be grateful.....

  • jimwins
    jimwins Member Posts: 2,107
    #30
    Ailidh said:

    Things had been quite good

    Things had been quite good for a while but I was thrown last week by my Mum (93) being unexpectedly hospitalized for a couple of days. She's now home and fine. Now the dog (18) has been ill and I took him to the vet today, fearing it was Time. vet has given him medication but wants him back tomorrow to Decide. A friend came today but I'll be alone tomorrow.

    I've been crying all day today, terrified I'll sink into the Pit again. Then, when I was praying this Evening I suddenly shouted at God, "First you'll take the dog, then you'll take Mum, then I'll be all alone" and I discovered I was crying for the life I haven't had - it wasn't a conscious decision to be single it just happened. Curiously, I feel a little better now I know what the matter is but if anyone can spare a hug, I'd be grateful.....

    Hi Ailidh

    Here's a great big HUG for you!  It's free - almost.  Please share it with somone else :).

    Hang in there!

    Jim

  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #31
    jimwins said:

    Hi Ailidh

    Here's a great big HUG for you!  It's free - almost.  Please share it with somone else :).

    Hang in there!

    Jim

    Thanks for the hug,

    Thanks for the hug, Jim!

     

     

    It seems this is a big and long low. I'm trying but no amount of positivity can cure a depression, in my experience. Still keeping up my routines but hanging on like grim death.....

  • Cerato
    Cerato Member Posts: 18
    #32
    Ailidh said:

    Things had been quite good

    Things had been quite good for a while but I was thrown last week by my Mum (93) being unexpectedly hospitalized for a couple of days. She's now home and fine. Now the dog (18) has been ill and I took him to the vet today, fearing it was Time. vet has given him medication but wants him back tomorrow to Decide. A friend came today but I'll be alone tomorrow.

    I've been crying all day today, terrified I'll sink into the Pit again. Then, when I was praying this Evening I suddenly shouted at God, "First you'll take the dog, then you'll take Mum, then I'll be all alone" and I discovered I was crying for the life I haven't had - it wasn't a conscious decision to be single it just happened. Curiously, I feel a little better now I know what the matter is but if anyone can spare a hug, I'd be grateful.....

    Big hug

    (((((((((Ailidh))))))))

    Hugs galore for you!  

    I think that I pretty much get where you're at. If I'm right about that, then i've felt at least some of what you're feeling. It is indescribably painful.  

    The thing is that you are going to shift from this horrific feeling state, Ailidh.  Right now you are focused on the worst possible case scenarios  - perhaps by way of catastrophic thinking(?).    What you are afraid will happen, may or may not happen, but from my experience catastrophic thinking doesn't change the situation, it only drains my strength - both mental and physical - and makes me less able to deal with whatever it is that does in fact happen, which is often not this thing(s) I was worried about.

    Don't get me wrong - I can have some horrifically angsty times, but I am learning that I can have at least a little control over my thoughts.  And thoughts lead to actions (I do something to comfort myself), and that leads to a change in my feeling state -- if only for a bit, but it's something.  

    I'm sure that you already know this, ((((((Ailidh))))), but I thought that I would slip it in here as a reminder.  What I'd really like you to know is that I am thinking of you with warmth and a tender heart.  

    So here is another big ((((((hug))))).  I'm so glad that you posted. 

    Take extra good care of yourself!

    Cerato

     

  • NANCYL1
    NANCYL1 Member Posts: 289
    #33
    Ailidh said:

    Thanks for the hug,

    Thanks for the hug, Jim!

     

     

    It seems this is a big and long low. I'm trying but no amount of positivity can cure a depression, in my experience. Still keeping up my routines but hanging on like grim death.....

    HUG!

    AILIDH:

     

    Another Hug is on its way across the Pond.

     

    Did you catch it?

     

    Nancy

  • Ailidh
    Ailidh Member Posts: 52
    #34
    Cerato said:

    Big hug

    (((((((((Ailidh))))))))

    Hugs galore for you!  

    I think that I pretty much get where you're at. If I'm right about that, then i've felt at least some of what you're feeling. It is indescribably painful.  

    The thing is that you are going to shift from this horrific feeling state, Ailidh.  Right now you are focused on the worst possible case scenarios  - perhaps by way of catastrophic thinking(?).    What you are afraid will happen, may or may not happen, but from my experience catastrophic thinking doesn't change the situation, it only drains my strength - both mental and physical - and makes me less able to deal with whatever it is that does in fact happen, which is often not this thing(s) I was worried about.

    Don't get me wrong - I can have some horrifically angsty times, but I am learning that I can have at least a little control over my thoughts.  And thoughts lead to actions (I do something to comfort myself), and that leads to a change in my feeling state -- if only for a bit, but it's something.  

    I'm sure that you already know this, ((((((Ailidh))))), but I thought that I would slip it in here as a reminder.  What I'd really like you to know is that I am thinking of you with warmth and a tender heart.  

    So here is another big ((((((hug))))).  I'm so glad that you posted. 

    Take extra good care of yourself!

    Cerato

     

    Thankyou for the hugs! It

    Thankyou for the hugs! It means a lot. There have been some forums where I've felt chastized for not being positive enough and you think, I thought I was allowed to ask for support? So I really do appreciate the empathy and sympathy and hugs.

     

    Friday and Saturday were pretty dire. I couldn't work Sunday, had to ask my senior colleague to lead the service but just standing up for myself and saying No did help a bit. Monday was a bit better and Tuesday was extremely good. Today, so far, is not wonderful but not hideous either. I think I'm gradually crawling back up out of this trough.

     

    I'm planning some time to work on some strategies to try and keep my mood up. I find that anything that involves taking some kind of control tends to help, if only a little. I've also decided to tell my boss - visiting me this afternoon - that I won't be taking on any more work, in fact, cutting down just a little, until the new year. To be fair, I am incredibly fortunate to be still being fully paid when I'm only doing 85% of a job but he always makes me feel pressurized. I'll practise taking control of that interview too.

    Thankyou again, and I wish you all well and reciprocal {{{{{hug}}}}}.

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