Just when you think things can't get worse, they do....

tko683
tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
in Colorectal Cancer #1

This board has so many amazing people on here fighting cancer or being a caregiver to a loved one fighting cancer.  I am amazed at the strength of all of you.  My husband has been battling stage 4 cancer for over 2 years now.  He has had FOLFOX and FOLFIRI and now is going to be on Zaltrap I think.  The lastest blood work showed his CEA was rising.  He had his scan last week and we find out results this week.  He gets so depressed and has horrible mood swimgs.  He takes his pain pills and mixes them with alcohol and today I came home with my daughter and he was totally out of it.  He started yelling and cursing and saying very hurtful things.  I just don't know what to do.  How can I ever leave him alone if he acts like this.  He told me that he wanted to die.  He has never been a quitter in his life.  He refuses to see a therapist.  He wants me to quit my job which we need for insurance and to pay our bills.  I know this is probably normal stuff but I am having a hard time dealing with this.  What am I supposed to do?  Let him drink himself to death?  Do I stop nagging him and deal with the abuse that he gives out while drunk? Does anyone have any advise for dealing with a spouse who acts like this?  I would love to hear it.  Thank you all for letting me rant.  Family members just really do not get it at all.  Blessings to all of you.

 

Comments

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #2
    Tough spot

    You are in a tough spot and so if your hubby.

    You say he won't see a therapist.  You need to tell his doc about his depression and let him/her determine how best to get your hubby to deal with this...be it medication...counseling...etc.

    When the situation is bad at home, tell your hubby you love him and support him, but that his condition does not give him license to be unkind to you.  His condition will also not improve with his using alcohol in combination with any medications.

    I hope that the doc can help your hubby to be able to better deal with this situation.

    Marie who loves kitties

  • thxmiker
    thxmiker Member Posts: 1,278 Member
    #3
    Maybe he needs to find a

    Maybe he needs to find a local cancer support group.  Yes, the disease is difficult to deal with.  Changing personalities because you are scared is not a great way to live. Talking about one's mortality may help him find the strength to fight the good fight.  We all need to find strength physically and mentally to fight cancer.  It is how we find positive ispiration that can b e difficult.  

     

    When ever I got in to a funk we went to a local cancer meeting.  There was always someo one worse off then me, with a lot of strength still left. That always gave me the inspiration to change my attitiude and fight the good fight.  Getting drunk can not help his situation.  Having a glass of imbibement is very different from getting sloppy. I know it is difficult, but staying strong is much healthier and more positive.

     

    We are sending our thougths and prayers for you to help find him the strength to fight cancer.

    Best Always,  mike

  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    #4
    Yikes

    Mixing pain pills with the alcohol is worse then what mine did, which was half a gallon of vodka a day plus beer.

    You need to get to an Al-anon meeting as quick as you can, they can help you through some of this, just google it and you'll find a meeting somewhere.  Since mine did not involve children I have just put up with it.  I do not suggest you do that, there is no reason to live like that. All the pleading, begging or crying in the world will not change things (I begged for 3 years) until mine ended up in the hospital a couple of months ago there seemed to be no end to it, but after a drunken fall that cut and swelled his head up and hours at emergency he " saw the light" somewhat and cut out the vodka.

    You are in my same place, scared to leave him alone, nagging, pleading, but you are not responsible for it, he is, him alone, and if you keep propping him up and protecting him as I did for mine, it will only worsen.  Please go to an Al-anon meeting as soon as you can.

    And Marie is spot on suggesting you tell his doctor about the pain pills and alcohol, depression, etc., this should be done right away!

    Winter Marie

  • fatbob2010
    fatbob2010 Member Posts: 467 Member
    #5
    Why??

    I'm so sorry that you are facing this new challenge.

    The reasons for his combination of pills and alcohol may be more than unipolar.  

    He may feel he is getting an increase in pain relief, if pain is the issue.  

    Another option is that he has run out of resilience for now and is trying to escape from the stress the disease puts on us emotionally...or both.  

    At the most severe, this behavior can be an emerging sense of hopelessness that has only one possibility for relief. 

    No matter his reason, he is seemingly in a dangerous place that needs attention.  

    I don't know all the details; but a talk with his doctor may be helpful.

    Truly, as you have found, I have also come to a conclusion that family and co-workers have no real sense of what we face.

    Hopeing you get the help you are seeking...

    Art

     

  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    #6
    Lovekitties said:

    Tough spot

    You are in a tough spot and so if your hubby.

    You say he won't see a therapist.  You need to tell his doc about his depression and let him/her determine how best to get your hubby to deal with this...be it medication...counseling...etc.

    When the situation is bad at home, tell your hubby you love him and support him, but that his condition does not give him license to be unkind to you.  His condition will also not improve with his using alcohol in combination with any medications.

    I hope that the doc can help your hubby to be able to better deal with this situation.

    Marie who loves kitties

    My thoughts exactly

    Thank you Marie who loves Kitties, it is exactly how I feel.  I sometimes feel like he thinks that he should be able to do whatever he wants regardless of anyone else.  I hope the doc has some advise.  Last time we had this problem, last year at this time the doctor was no help at all.  She acted like I was crazy to be concerned and just told him he shouldn't drink.  No help.

  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    #7
    thxmiker said:

    Maybe he needs to find a

    Maybe he needs to find a local cancer support group.  Yes, the disease is difficult to deal with.  Changing personalities because you are scared is not a great way to live. Talking about one's mortality may help him find the strength to fight the good fight.  We all need to find strength physically and mentally to fight cancer.  It is how we find positive ispiration that can b e difficult.  

     

    When ever I got in to a funk we went to a local cancer meeting.  There was always someo one worse off then me, with a lot of strength still left. That always gave me the inspiration to change my attitiude and fight the good fight.  Getting drunk can not help his situation.  Having a glass of imbibement is very different from getting sloppy. I know it is difficult, but staying strong is much healthier and more positive.

     

    We are sending our thougths and prayers for you to help find him the strength to fight cancer.

    Best Always,  mike

    Thank Mike

    I agree with you.  It helped me personally when I was going through cancer treatment myself but my husband is not into any kind of group support groups.  Thank you for the prayers!

  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    #8
    herdizziness said:

    Yikes

    Mixing pain pills with the alcohol is worse then what mine did, which was half a gallon of vodka a day plus beer.

    You need to get to an Al-anon meeting as quick as you can, they can help you through some of this, just google it and you'll find a meeting somewhere.  Since mine did not involve children I have just put up with it.  I do not suggest you do that, there is no reason to live like that. All the pleading, begging or crying in the world will not change things (I begged for 3 years) until mine ended up in the hospital a couple of months ago there seemed to be no end to it, but after a drunken fall that cut and swelled his head up and hours at emergency he " saw the light" somewhat and cut out the vodka.

    You are in my same place, scared to leave him alone, nagging, pleading, but you are not responsible for it, he is, him alone, and if you keep propping him up and protecting him as I did for mine, it will only worsen.  Please go to an Al-anon meeting as soon as you can.

    And Marie is spot on suggesting you tell his doctor about the pain pills and alcohol, depression, etc., this should be done right away!

    Winter Marie

    Yikes is right

    Thanks Winter Marie. I appreciate your advise. It sounds like you know exactly what it is like.  I would not wish this situation on anyone.  It is terrible.  We live in a small town and do not have Al-anon meetings anywhere close enough for me to be able to go.  My husband has also fallen but never hurt himself that bad.  It is a recipee for disaster.  I will tell his doctor and see what they say.  The last time I told his doctor he said that I betrayed his trust and got very mad.  It is just craziness.  Take care,  Teri

  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    #9
    fatbob2010 said:

    Why??

    I'm so sorry that you are facing this new challenge.

    The reasons for his combination of pills and alcohol may be more than unipolar.  

    He may feel he is getting an increase in pain relief, if pain is the issue.  

    Another option is that he has run out of resilience for now and is trying to escape from the stress the disease puts on us emotionally...or both.  

    At the most severe, this behavior can be an emerging sense of hopelessness that has only one possibility for relief. 

    No matter his reason, he is seemingly in a dangerous place that needs attention.  

    I don't know all the details; but a talk with his doctor may be helpful.

    Truly, as you have found, I have also come to a conclusion that family and co-workers have no real sense of what we face.

    Hopeing you get the help you are seeking...

    Art

     

    Pain, yes

    Pain is a big problem for my husband.  He has a herniated disc, neuropathy, and sciatic nerve pain.  Just wish we could do something to help his pain and give him hope.  Stage 4 cancer is just plain scary.  No easy answer here for sure.  Thanks for your comments.

    Teri

     

  • tko683
    tko683 Member Posts: 264 Member
    #10
    fatbob2010 said:

    Why??

    I'm so sorry that you are facing this new challenge.

    The reasons for his combination of pills and alcohol may be more than unipolar.  

    He may feel he is getting an increase in pain relief, if pain is the issue.  

    Another option is that he has run out of resilience for now and is trying to escape from the stress the disease puts on us emotionally...or both.  

    At the most severe, this behavior can be an emerging sense of hopelessness that has only one possibility for relief. 

    No matter his reason, he is seemingly in a dangerous place that needs attention.  

    I don't know all the details; but a talk with his doctor may be helpful.

    Truly, as you have found, I have also come to a conclusion that family and co-workers have no real sense of what we face.

    Hopeing you get the help you are seeking...

    Art

     

    Pain, yes

    Pain is a big problem for my husband.  He has a herniated disc, neuropathy, and sciatic nerve pain.  Just wish we could do something to help his pain and give him hope.  Stage 4 cancer is just plain scary.  No easy answer here for sure.  Thanks for your comments.

    Teri

     

  • LivinginNH
    LivinginNH Member Posts: 1,456 Member
    #11
    tko683 said:

    Yikes is right

    Thanks Winter Marie. I appreciate your advise. It sounds like you know exactly what it is like.  I would not wish this situation on anyone.  It is terrible.  We live in a small town and do not have Al-anon meetings anywhere close enough for me to be able to go.  My husband has also fallen but never hurt himself that bad.  It is a recipee for disaster.  I will tell his doctor and see what they say.  The last time I told his doctor he said that I betrayed his trust and got very mad.  It is just craziness.  Take care,  Teri

     
    I think I'd mention this

     

    I think I'd mention this situation to a NEW doctor.  The things I've read about happening to people on this board today has me completely dismayed by the lack of understanding as well as a lack of moral compass by the medical profession.  It's truly maddening.

    Take care of yourself too, you don't deserve to be treated like that by him, that's just not right. 

    Cyn

  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #12
    tko683 said:

    Pain, yes

    Pain is a big problem for my husband.  He has a herniated disc, neuropathy, and sciatic nerve pain.  Just wish we could do something to help his pain and give him hope.  Stage 4 cancer is just plain scary.  No easy answer here for sure.  Thanks for your comments.

    Teri

     

    Pain control

    What kind of pain medication is he on?

    My sister is terminal and has/had unbearable pain due to bone mets.  She is now on a fentanyl patch which is changed every 48 hrs. and also can take morphine tabs every 4 hours for break-thru pain.  This combo has certainly helped her with pain control.

    Is the doctor aware that whatever meds hubby is currently taking are not working effectively?

    The docs had to try a number of combos before they found meds she could tolerate and which helped. 

    Marie who loves kitties

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