Still fighting...

Here we are 28 months from diagnosis with 8 months of those without treatment. My husband is down to 141 pounds from a starting weight of 217. He is now taking 80 mg of Oxycontin twice a day with 5 mg oxycontin every four hours in between and some times still has considerable pain. He is getting more short of breath - even a shower is exhausting. He sleeps eighteen to twenty hours a day and some times nods off during the remaining hours. He has started becoming so weak he loses his balance and falls.  He has transistioned to Hospice care. The cancer is winning this fight but he isn't giving up yet!

It is so incredibly difficult watching my husband melt away. His near and distant relatives have made the perfunctory visits and several have gone so far as to tell him he is going to hell because he won't allow them to "witness his acceptance of Jesus as his personal savior" - they wouldn't let it go even after we advised we felt religion was an inappropriate topic and a personal choice! Thankfully, they don't come around often.

I hear alot of "you're so strong", "I don't know how you do it", or "He's so lucky to have you"... in truth HE is the strong one, I don't know how HE does it, and I'm lucky to have HIM. I wish I could say we will grow old together, and in the beginning I held a secret hope that treatments had improved enough from when my dad had lung cancer to give my husband a lifetime, but I now know that isn't going to happen. I appreciate these extra moments, days, months but long for so many more but the time will eventually come that I have to let him go and I'm afraid it is coming sooner rather than later... I miss the days when he could still do many of those "normal" things, that he still looked like the man I married; it was so easy to pretend it wasn't real before the signs became so visible.

I don't want to discourage anyone on this site from putting up a valiant fight - get all the radiation and chemo you can, eat healthy, try alternative treatments but most of all spend as much time with your family as you can. Remember to say "I love you", "I forgive you", "forgive me", "I'm sorry" (The Four Things That Matter Most: Ira Byock) Family and friendship is so much more than those indiscretions that people sometimes make. Keep fighting! Your family will appreciate it so much.

May you find blessing in each day.