Relationships and marriage before and after the diagnosis

CypressCynthia said:

It is definitely a stressor,

It is definitely a stressor, but, with good communication and a good spouse, it can make your relationship stronger.  My husband has been with me 39 years, 26 years with cancer diagnosis.  He is such a kind man.  I know it would be so much harder without him.

My husband and I have been marriaged for 33 years. We had 2 great sons together. On Jun 10th of 2013, my husband file for the divorce. Then I diagnose with breast cancer on Aug. 17th. I had my breasts cancer surgueries done on Sep.11th, 2013. My closed friends thought  that my husband might change his mind about divorcing me after he knew about my breast cancer. Actually, No he still go on with the divorce. I will be fine living with my two great sons in my life.

I know someone who was going to get divorce and now not since NEEDS the insurance-SAD but you must do what you must do..

Nothing really changed in my marriage-my husband is a great, caring guy-he is not overly compassionate when ill-my daughter was my primary person to change bandages, help with showers. I am not sure why he is like that...I never slow down-I THINK perhaps he is unsure how to react when I am down and out..

Denise

GSRon said:

I must chime in here... 30

I must chime in here... 30 years ago I lost my Mom to Cancer (not BC).  The Dx came about 2 years before that...  That is when I got big respect for my Dad.  He treated Mom with such tenderness and TLC it was amazing..  He did it all.. the cooking, cleaning, laundry.. took my Mom to the Doctor's, the hospital when needed, etc.  When Mom could not walk, he carried her.. 

 

I was dating a gal when I got my Dx, she ran like the wind.  In all fairness we had only been dating about two months...

Be Well All..!!

Ron

Ron: That is the way it should be..but sadly not the case many times...

Denise

All About Laughter said:

My boyfriend left me

I met a terrific guy eight months ago, we are both widowed, his wife to cancer. I was diagnosed in July and he said he would stay by my side. That was, until we found out I would need chemo because it had spread to my lymph nodes. Haven't heard from him since I gave him that news three weeks ago. I am devastated, but I guess I don't want someone who only sees me as "cancerous". 

All About Laughter,

You must be crushed.  Just when you needed him, he disappeared. That really sucks and I wish I could find him and punch him out for you.

Boy, I've learned a lesson about people this year. I've had good friends suddenly stop calling or always have something else planned when I called them. A few others I didn't even know all that well have been amazingly helpful and supportive. Breast cancer is the 3rd life threatening illness I've had in 6 months. Everybody was there for me when I had a brain stem stroke earlier this year and many even hung in there a month later when I was diagnosed with a large anuerysm in the ascending aorta of my heart that will require open heart surgery soon. But by the time breast cancer rolled around. the third time was certainly not the charm! Two friends never came to the hospital or called. I expected them to come over when I got home...it's been 3 weeks and I'm still waiting. The one that broke my heart though was when my very best friend dropped me like a hot rock! What a shock! She was the one who has done Race for the Cure every year. I had been there for her when her daughter died. 

Fortunately i found a wonderful therapist who told me that she sees this kind of thing all the time. Some people get overwhelmed after they've given all they can but you need more. Some others cannot go to a hospital or even be around a sick person. Others have the fear that certain illnesses (cancer?) are catching.  I starting reading a book about how to change your thinking with cognitive behavior therapy. You can't change other people but you CAN change how you react to them.

I hope you have people around you who will support you. We certainly will here.  

sandra4611 said:

All About Laughter,
You must

All About Laughter,

You must be crushed.  Just when you needed him, he disappeared. That really sucks and I wish I could find him and punch him out for you.

Boy, I've learned a lesson about people this year. I've had good friends suddenly stop calling or always have something else planned when I called them. A few others I didn't even know all that well have been amazingly helpful and supportive. Breast cancer is the 3rd life threatening illness I've had in 6 months. Everybody was there for me when I had a brain stem stroke earlier this year and many even hung in there a month later when I was diagnosed with a large anuerysm in the ascending aorta of my heart that will require open heart surgery soon. But by the time breast cancer rolled around. the third time was certainly not the charm! Two friends never came to the hospital or called. I expected them to come over when I got home...it's been 3 weeks and I'm still waiting. The one that broke my heart though was when my very best friend dropped me like a hot rock! What a shock! She was the one who has done Race for the Cure every year. I had been there for her when her daughter died. 

Fortunately i found a wonderful therapist who told me that she sees this kind of thing all the time. Some people get overwhelmed after they've given all they can but you need more. Some others cannot go to a hospital or even be around a sick person. Others have the fear that certain illnesses (cancer?) are catching.  I starting reading a book about how to change your thinking with cognitive behavior therapy. You can't change other people but you CAN change how you react to them.

I hope you have people around you who will support you. We certainly will here.  

 

A few more years go by and things are simplified even more the older I get.  We both have had to come to terms with the life we have been left with and financial insecurity Globalization has had.  When once we had two good paying jobs with benefits we have learned to live on one with my incomeone third of what it once was...

Though I still work for a good dollar I pay more out just to work...  This has been the hardest thing on our relationship that and trying to keep a house.  Funny now two years since the last post almost and things have come around once again.  Because my partner and I truly respect and love the people we have become that seems to carry us further than anything so far in our lives together.  Funny I stil feel the same way as I did when we met but so much water flows between us.  But when it is said and done we have to be grateful for everything we have when so many have gone before us celebrations of life seems to be the new gathering.

Cancer is hard on us and our relationships but like everything in life it is what we are going to do with the cards we have been given and expanding out coping skill collection will be the ticket out of dispare and to success...

Tara

Chinda said:

Denise,
Thanks you for

Denise,

Thanks you for sharing your thougth with us. I told my closed friends and family members that if he only change his mind because of my illness, I will not take him back in my  life. I might think about return his favor when he get old and sick, I will take great care of him. After marriage  for 33 years, he just told me that he never love me during those time. Well, if I knew that was the case, I would kick him out of my life 19 years ago when he cheated on me with other woman and made kid with her. I forgive him and move on with our lives. I thought no one was perfect in this world and he deserved his second chance. His reason for divorcing me is that he want his freedom to enjoy his last portion of his life to look for his true love. lol  I have done whatever I should have already. I have no regret with my decision. He will move out on Oct. 13th, 2013. I will be fine living with my two wonderful sons who are on my side. :-) life is full with hope.

I

'm so sorry,this is the time when your suppoed to be loved the  most and you are, you just found a whole lot of love here, and you know God loves you,i feel sorry for your husband cause God don't like ugly lol. welcome to the boards. why you letting his but stay till sunday? he needs to go now lol. that just burns me up, i know your trying to be strong but focus own you and your health right now and let him gooooooooooooooooooooooo,  yes your sons will help you and so are we with all kinds of encouragement.I just want to hug you right now.~~MollyZ~~

Chinda said:

Denise,
Thanks you for

Denise,

Thanks you for sharing your thougth with us. I told my closed friends and family members that if he only change his mind because of my illness, I will not take him back in my  life. I might think about return his favor when he get old and sick, I will take great care of him. After marriage  for 33 years, he just told me that he never love me during those time. Well, if I knew that was the case, I would kick him out of my life 19 years ago when he cheated on me with other woman and made kid with her. I forgive him and move on with our lives. I thought no one was perfect in this world and he deserved his second chance. His reason for divorcing me is that he want his freedom to enjoy his last portion of his life to look for his true love. lol  I have done whatever I should have already. I have no regret with my decision. He will move out on Oct. 13th, 2013. I will be fine living with my two wonderful sons who are on my side. :-) life is full with hope.

Dear Chinda,

Your husband must be crazy for leaving a gorgeous and kind woman like you. What a selfish reason to leave a marriage! Does he not think he may need help one day as he gets older? Telling you he never loved you is just not true I'm sure. I'm so glad you have two great sons and such a great attitude. Don't give up on love!

Take care,

Anna