Mother is terminal .... not understanding her behavior and it HURTS!!

Hi Deb....I know it has to hurt to be rejected. Since I don't know the history of you and your Mom's relationship. it's hard to say why she would do that. I know that dealing with cancer, especially terminal cancer, takes a toll on you emotionally. Your Mother has been told she can die at any time....imagine if you were her. Of course, it's no excuse for being hurtful, but it is a factor. How was your relationship before? Has she always been distant or did she used to beaffectionate? You said she is supporting you and your child....maybe she is stressed out having this horrible disease and facing death, and having to take care of you and your son.  Do you work and contribute financially or help her (like housework, cooking, taking her to the doctor and emotional support for her?) Because the medical bills for cancer treatment are astronomical. Maybe she resents having to support you and your child while dealing with the financial burden of medical bills? I don't know honey....like I said, I don't know how she was before etc.....but still...I know it must hurt you alot. Have you tried just asking her why? Tell her just what you said here...that you love her and just wanted her to know that.She is likely going through a lot psychologically....are you able to have open andhonest conversations with her? 

debgirl said:

My mom is a private person.

First, thank you for replying to me. I work a lot and take care of my son. I don't have many people in my life since my husband left and I let all the associated people go with him.

 

My mom is a private person. She never gets manicures or pedicures because she doesn't like to be touched. My mom and I are pretty close and I am the baby of the two (my sister and her are not close and sisters harbors bad feelings towards her). My sister also kept her children from our mom when they were really little due to the harbored feelings. My mom hugs and kisses my son all day long. She has hugged me in the past but no she is not very affectionate, but I guess I just thought that with so much on the line it wouldn't be a big deal ...guess it was.

 

Yes, I work. I work 50 hours a week 6 days a week trying to handle all of my bills (ex not paying any court ordered child support - whole other source of stress and story). I pay her 600 a month and I help with dishes, cleaning, laundry. My sister is helping her with appts cause she is a stay home mom and has the time to help. I would if I could.

 

We did talk a bit last night. I was going to move out at the request of my sister. I came home and started to pack and she begged me to stay. My mom is concerned that this (losing her) along with everything else I am dealing with will push me over the edge and that I may drown myself in alcohol or drugs. She has a legitimate concern. I promised that I wouldn't let that happen. Told her it is very sad to have a wake up call like this - but that I got it! I can't let my son down. I am all he has. She just worries about me and I understand that but when she pushes me away it hurts and pushes me in the direction she doesn't want me to go. I don't think she realizes that.

Awww honey.... I know it must be so hard. I hope you didn'tthink I was insinuating you weren't helping. I just didn't know the situation and that was the only reason I could think of to cause her to be like that. I'm glad you talked! That's a first step. She must love you very much, or she would have let you go. She probably has a lot of emotional issues. Some people aren't physically affectionate, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It may be that she's affectionate with your son because he's a child.....but regardless, you need to be strong for him. It's such a hard situation for you to be in. Maybe you could talk to her again the next time she seems relaxed and open to you...and tell her justwhat you said here...about the fact that you need her to show you affection....you need your Mom. Tell her that it pushes you in the wrong direction when she pushes you away. It sounds to me like you need comforting....and you want that from her...but when you don't get it from her, you find it in the wrong places. Tell her that. You are afraid because you may lose her soon. Don't stop trying to hug her. But hon. even if you never get affection back, know that she DOES love you, and move forward. Remember you have your son who needs you just as bad as you are needing your Mom. Don't give up on him or yourself. Things are bad rightnow, but you never know what tomorrow will bring...it WON'T be like this forever. Whatever you do, please don't go the alchohol/drug route. That will only make things worse. Try to stay focused and things will get better. I said a prayer for you last night, and I will continue to do so. I wish you the best, and please stay in touch and update on how you are. (((((((((((((((cyber hugssss))))))))))))))