Depression or Intuition?

Laura,

How many months out from surgery is Larry?  I can tell you that Jeff didn't start to feel half normal until 1 year past surgery.  I would say that he was more active at about 6 months, that is when we took our first vacation and when he started work out with a physical therapist.  At almost two years from surgery he is able to do most things, but we still have set backs.  Right now he is dealing with a lot of intestinal issues from traveling abroad.  He actually had a bit of a meltdown three weeks ago, he is sick of feeling different from everyone else.  And then he feels guilty because as far as we know he is beating this disease and he knows there are others who would give anything to be in his shoes.  It is the life of the cancer survivor.  There will be ups and downs, and unfortunately it sounds like Larry is in a down.  After surgery Jeff use to breakdown alot and actually cried in the doctor's office.  The NP there said she thought he was suffering from situational depression, it doesn't mean that Jeff or Larry are depressed people normally it just means they have been through a trauma and need a little help feeling better.  Now Jeff's first Onco was a bit of challenge and thought Jeff was fine, so Jeff suffered through without any depression meds, but he would take anxiety meds.  

How are you doing??  Emotionally the caregiver is going through thier own ups and downs.  I can tell you that everytime we get near a scan date I turn into a basketcase.  Jeff will actually tell people that I get weird when it is scan time.  I too have emotional scars from the whole thing, and am on anxiety meds to deal with what they think is PTSD.  I don't know if I would go that far, but it was pretty traumatic watching the most important person in the world to you struggle every day over and over.

I would say take some deep breaths, reach down deep for the added patience Larry needs at this time, and if need be start to advocate for him.  Most times someone who is depressed has no idea they are depressed.  Hopefully you will get some answers very soon.

Niki

I've been thinking about both of you for a while...wondering and worrying about how you are doing.  I'm sorry to hear that Larry is feeling so depressed and fatalistic and I know the anxiety you must be dealing with.  I honestly don't know how I would be managing (both of our cancers) without taking some medication. U of M does have a psych med program specifically for their cancer patients.  I didn't use them (I'm a retired psychologist) but they might be of real help.  Clint (pre-operation) seems chipper without meds but I think the reality of post-surgery will be tough and i need to be in as-good-as possible psychological shape to manage.  I began taking Lexapro right after Clint's diagnosis (and a bit of Xanax until it kicked-in).  I have been able to keep on a very even keel since then.  I know that post-surgery is going to be a totally different ballgame.

Do you know when the U of M will have the meeting you mentioned for Esophageal Cancer patients/survivors in September?  I'd love to arrange to come if it is after my radiation is over. If you have any questions feel free to send a PM.

Jaon

Ladylacy said:

Larry

My husband won't admit that he is fighting depression and even if he did, he wouldn't take the medication for it.  We have already tried that.  As far as Larry saying no more chemo, that is his choice.  I know how hard that will be as my husband said no more after undergoing 70 rounds of radiation, 10 rounds of chemo and surgery.  Then to have a reoccurrence and spread to his right lung, he said enough is enough.  That was in January when he had a PET/CT scan and we were told then.  Biopsy on lung showed spread of cancer, even though it was very small.  Surgery was ruled out altogether. 

I can honestly say that since January/February he has been holding his own and if he had elected more chemo, I do wonder if he would still be here today.  I am trying to talk him into having a CT scan to see how things are going but he doesn't want to.  Again his choice.  It is hard to sit and watch the progression.  But after all he has been thru, it is his choice.  We have been married 51 years and it is hard to think about the future.  He has made all his own decisions.  I can honestly say that if I were to be diagnosed with cancer, I don't know if I could or would go thru what I have seen him go thru.  Cancer is a beast and the treatment and side effects are horrible.  We were told that chemo would not cure only prolong and possibly hasten due to how much stronger the chemo would be this time around.

Wishing you both peace, comfort and love -- Sharon

Might as well chime in. My husband is on Prozac and xanax I take a occasional Valium. I am not embarrassed to say we could not get through this without help. My husband also sees a psychologist at first weekly now monthly. I go through days and weeks with no sleep until I eventually drug myself.

I think of myself as a pretty solid person, but watching my husband deal with this cancer for 2 years has definitely driven me crazy at times. How can it not? Same for him (worse for him....). I think everyone has to do what they can to stay sane. I run, do yoga, make sure I stay close to my kids, go out with friends when possible, try to keep my career on track and see a pyschologist once every two weeks. Even so, some days are just bad. Scan days, scan result days, days when they are on the couch and can't move or talk. Those are days when I am just glad they are over and I can go to sleep. That is IF I can stay asleep. I also agree with the guilt. I am suffering watching him suffer, but he is the one that is facing his own mortality. My husband is stubborn too so I really have no control over what he does and doesn't do (..or we wouldn't be in this mess since I begged him to stop smoking more times than I can count...). Someone mentioned PTSD...maybe not a stretch. The 16 days my husband was in the hospital will stay with me forever as, so far, the worst time yet. I am scared to think what is next. Oh, and tomorrow is a scan day....

Do what you can, but caregivers - do not apologize for being human. This is tough.