Does anyone else get uneasy on your treatment "anniversaries"?

Traci,

Don't know if this helps.  I was diagnosed on, August 16th, 1994.  Only because I had to say enough time do I really remember the date.

It will 19 years as of tomorrow.  I knew it for about a month prior to my mammogram.  I kept making excuses why I didn't go.  Then I did and it was what I feared.   

My 1st recurrence was in March 1999, my 2nd recurrence (mets) was in October 2000 and my 3rd recurrence was in June 2008.

I felt alone also.  I didn't know anyone in treatment, my parents lived in Florida and I live in New England.  My siblings and relatives lived in another state and I was divorced.  There was no internet at the time.  My only source of information that gave me comfort was Dr. Susan Love Breast Book.  I worked through my chemotherapy and was to tired to joined the local support group.  I still had a child at home who just began high school.  He tried to arrange rides with other kids' parents for school events.   Sometimes it wasn't possible.  He was very happy when I finished treatments.  It was a long year.

I hope you have some answers but I doubt that the same thing happens again on the same date.  

Wishing you the best,

Doris

bluewillo said:

Oh Laws Yes!

Only I get all spazzed out the night before my onc checkups. Last time, I had to call in sick at work, I was a hot mess. I've found that I don't handle anxiety well anymore, maybe because there is so much stress in my life.

I don't remember any of my anniversaries, except for the last radiation treatment. And I only remember that because, for the first time ever, my red cowgirl boots would only drag my feet down the hall! All thru everything, they'd been there, kickin' cancer's azz...and on that last day, they said "We're done!"

I don't know my exact dates either, so, I don't get nervous about them.  I am like Sue in that I have moved on and don't dwell on it or feel any need to keep repeating what happened to me to others.

I do get nervous, insane, apprehensive and everything else however when I have tests coming up.  I hate that feeling, but, can't stop it.  I doubt any of us can.

Hugs, Jan

Christmas Girl said:

Always, always...

... keep in mind that we're all different, Traci. And we cope in our own individual ways.

For me - am now 10 years out from DX #1: July 29, 2003. All the key dates that soon followed - surgery, chemo, rads, etc. - are permanently etched into my memory (which is kinda amazing - since my recall isn't very good, in general... am also awful with numbers of any kind). I don't choose to remember - don't necessarily want to... They're just... there.

Am now 2 years out from DX #2 - August 12, 2011. That is the only specific date from DX #2 I can recall. I think because it was my lumpectomy date (Aug. 12th) for DX #1. The remainder of DX #2 memories are only by months.

My whole life - Summer was my very favorite season. It's particularly precious - in general - for us Midwesterners, who live in true 4-season climates with harsh Winters. But, no longer. Ever since DX #1 - Spring is the season I love & enjoy most. The season of renewal and new life.

As long as your own memories don't interefere with your life - as you describe, I think you're plenty OK.

I've learned to accept that sometimes - not always - those pertinent cancer-related milestones bring a sense of melancholy and reflection... maybe even a bit of anxiety. It all soon passes.

Some are experts at Ostrich Therapy. There are occasions when I wish was adept at its practice. Can't - am simply too aware, just not hard-wired that way.

Sending heartfelt best wishes for continued good check-ups and 'boring' mammograms! And (((hugs))).

Kind regards, Susan

 

I've never felt the need or desire to remember those dates.  It wasn't a good time in my life and I don't think it is healthy to hang onto that kind of stuff.  ( just my opinion )

I remember the last day of rads as it just happened for me.  LOL  But, I will let go of that date with time too.

Life is meant to be lived, to move on, to make new memories.

I wish you good luck,

Kathy

Christmas Girl said:

Always, always...

... keep in mind that we're all different, Traci. And we cope in our own individual ways.

For me - am now 10 years out from DX #1: July 29, 2003. All the key dates that soon followed - surgery, chemo, rads, etc. - are permanently etched into my memory (which is kinda amazing - since my recall isn't very good, in general... am also awful with numbers of any kind). I don't choose to remember - don't necessarily want to... They're just... there.

Am now 2 years out from DX #2 - August 12, 2011. That is the only specific date from DX #2 I can recall. I think because it was my lumpectomy date (Aug. 12th) for DX #1. The remainder of DX #2 memories are only by months.

My whole life - Summer was my very favorite season. It's particularly precious - in general - for us Midwesterners, who live in true 4-season climates with harsh Winters. But, no longer. Ever since DX #1 - Spring is the season I love & enjoy most. The season of renewal and new life.

As long as your own memories don't interefere with your life - as you describe, I think you're plenty OK.

I've learned to accept that sometimes - not always - those pertinent cancer-related milestones bring a sense of melancholy and reflection... maybe even a bit of anxiety. It all soon passes.

Some are experts at Ostrich Therapy. There are occasions when I wish was adept at its practice. Can't - am simply too aware, just not hard-wired that way.

Sending heartfelt best wishes for continued good check-ups and 'boring' mammograms! And (((hugs))).

Kind regards, Susan

 

After all these years, I remember only the date I was diagnosed, 19 years today.  I remember it because the annual meeting for the historical house I worked in the summer for many years was the 2nd week in August.  I had made so many excuses to keep from making a mammogram appointment, and taking over the tea for that meeting was one of them.  I knew in my heart the mammogram was going to be bad and it was.  I finally made an appointment a week later when I could see the lump.

I do remember the month and year of other surgeries, VATS, treatments but never made them into a specific occassion.  I can't tell anyone the day as I don't remember.  Until recently I never mentioned the 16th of August either.  I don't celebrate cancer anniversaries.  I have enough to remind me that I still have the condition.

Think everyone is different on whether they choose or not choose to remember the date.  The group I began with in 1997 now have an old members only facebook account.  Some tell you, on this day, so many years ago and others never mention any dates.  I occasionally go on the account but not often.  One lady work in a lab and was very helpful last February when I was deciding on which chemo and why.

Good luck Traci and I hope you remain NED forever.

Doris

I don't remember my anniverary either.I think it was Aug 18, 2009.My mammo was done on July 2 when the tumor was found.Just a teeny thing but big to me.I thought it was OK since I hadn't heard.  I kept calling the doctor's office.Finally my appt was made.DCIS non invasive, Tumor 1/2 centimeter.It was a low grade but still to me it was big and a scary situation.I was so sure it was benign I didn't have my husband go with me and also was so sure I didn't tell him why I was going to the doctor after those weeks.I thought I would be telling him I had a mammo a few weeks ago and all was fine.I kept it to myself but for a couple friends and my sister(who since has been dx.)  

For my annuals now I do get antsy,Even when I was getting mammos every three months then 6 months,I was nervous.  Traci.You were dx about the same time as me.Honestly 4 years isn't long IMO. Not sure we ever feel comfortable.I guess I stay on the defense since I don't want to be in a severe shock if it does come back.There's no way to prepare us but if we feel to comfortable and it surfaces again we're really down.

I didn't need chemo or radiation.I thought radiation but it wasn't recommended. I take tamoxifin.Will be glad when I can go off it but my friend took 2 different meds and she said she would have gone on taking her 3rd med.That would've have been 15 years but her doctor told her there was nothing else.I am supposed to take tamox for 5 years but now I read 10 years???  I think my doctor will tell me to go off the tamox after 5 years. 

My hip is bothering me.I'm driving our old car since ours is being worked on.OMG getting out of the car is a chore.I just hope the hip pain goes away or the first thing we think of is cancer.It's just every ache and pain brings back can it be C.

Lynn Smith     

I completely understand your feelings.  Unfortunately, for me, I don't think they will ever go away.  Hope other that that you are doing ok. 

xoxo,

Jean

TraciInLA said:

Makes me feel better!

It makes me feel better to know that some of you have similar feelings around certain months or times of the year.  I definitely don't choose to remember these dates -- as you said, Susan, they're just...there, and I too am starting to think I'm just not hard-wired to ever completely forget them.

Dawne and Penny, I sometimes do the same thing you did -- I'll go a day or two feeling a little down or overly emotional, without knowing why.  I go looking for my calendar, to check if Aunt Flo is due for a visit (always good to blame PMS whenever possible, isn't it? ), and then notice it's around a particularly significant date from treatment.  Like you said, Dawne, sometimes we "emotionally remember" these times of year -- that's such a good way of putting it, that's exactly how I feel about it.  And thank you so much for sharing your therapist friend's reassurance.

In some ways I guess, 4 years is a long time, and in other ways it's not as long as I think it is.  I also don't think it helps that I have to think about cancer -- just for a brief moment -- every darn morning when I take my Tamoxifen.  No "ostrich therapy," as Chen used to say, for me -- I'd have to bury the Tamoxifen in the sand with me!

Traci

 

cancer survivors can experience post traumatic syndrome very much like our beloved war veterans. Although we didn't battle any physical army, we certainly battled an invisable invader and have/are fighting for our lives. I'm 8 years out but I can certainly tell you, any check-up, mammo, x-ray...even the dentist can conjure up fears and anxieties. I think that's normal. We ALL don't want to have to do any more battle. But it gets better. With much prayer and faith...family and friends, I just focus on each day and the wonderful things life has to bring. Yes, every now and then, I have to deal with some "bodily misfunction", but I don't allow myself to go "there" and spend too much time thinking the worst anymore. As mentioned, we're all different in how we handle it. I can honestly say, after taking Tamoxifen for so long, when my onc said "Well, you're done"...I was like "what?, You mean I'm not taking it at all?" As much as I didn't like it, I think I must have viewed it as a crutch!

Praying for you. I always enjoy reading your posts

Hugs,

Sylvia 

TraciInLA said:

Makes me feel better!

It makes me feel better to know that some of you have similar feelings around certain months or times of the year.  I definitely don't choose to remember these dates -- as you said, Susan, they're just...there, and I too am starting to think I'm just not hard-wired to ever completely forget them.

Dawne and Penny, I sometimes do the same thing you did -- I'll go a day or two feeling a little down or overly emotional, without knowing why.  I go looking for my calendar, to check if Aunt Flo is due for a visit (always good to blame PMS whenever possible, isn't it? ), and then notice it's around a particularly significant date from treatment.  Like you said, Dawne, sometimes we "emotionally remember" these times of year -- that's such a good way of putting it, that's exactly how I feel about it.  And thank you so much for sharing your therapist friend's reassurance.

In some ways I guess, 4 years is a long time, and in other ways it's not as long as I think it is.  I also don't think it helps that I have to think about cancer -- just for a brief moment -- every darn morning when I take my Tamoxifen.  No "ostrich therapy," as Chen used to say, for me -- I'd have to bury the Tamoxifen in the sand with me!

Traci

 

I also want to thank Dawne, very much!, for sharing a professional's affirmation that these types of thoughts and feelings are OK.

And thank you, Traci - your reference to Tamoxifen reminded me that I, too, (still) take a tiny white pill each morning (Arimidex/anastrozole) that serves only one purpose. A daily task. Not every three or six months, not annually. Daily. You're right - it certainly doesn't help.

Yes, four years is a long time. While also being... not so long. Though I'll now also agree with Sylvia - time does seem to blur things a bit. At least, for me - it has. However, I truly doubt the 'emotional remembering' will ever completely end for me.

By the way, our beloved Chenheart called these types of thoughts and feelings: memory scars.

Kind regards, Susan

bluewillo said:

Oh Laws Yes!

Only I get all spazzed out the night before my onc checkups. Last time, I had to call in sick at work, I was a hot mess. I've found that I don't handle anxiety well anymore, maybe because there is so much stress in my life.

I don't remember any of my anniversaries, except for the last radiation treatment. And I only remember that because, for the first time ever, my red cowgirl boots would only drag my feet down the hall! All thru everything, they'd been there, kickin' cancer's azz...and on that last day, they said "We're done!"

Hi Bluewillo, I cant stand cancer check-ups..I do not sleep the night before..then when I go..I have to walk thru the cancer ward..brings everything back full-swing..I'm trying to put it behind me..well..I'll never put it behind me..@ least once a day I remember..& I dont think it will ever go away

For me, it has been two years, next month since I  completed my cancer patient treatments, yet still often feel like 'it' cancer is lurking just behind my back, like a giant shadow that is going to pounce at any minute.  I feel ungreatful that I have these feelings, yet for me, the feelings are real.