my wife's passing

Being a caregiver and loved one to someone so sick is one of the most difficult things there is.  I am sure you did all you could to ease her passing.

Now, it is time to take care of you.  When the memories of those last difficult days intrude, try instead to bring out the good memories of your time together.  Bring out pictures of things you saw and did together.  Gather those things that you know brought a smile to her face or joy to her heart.

You should also see your own doctor and explain your issues.  Perhaps he can point you to a support group. 

The other thing to remember is that your dear wife is no longer suffering and she would not want you to be suffering either.

Celebrate her life.

Marie who loves kitties

I am so sorry.  Please try to take some time for yourself to grieve.  Your wife is no longer in pain.  You did everything you could to help ease her pain and to make her as comfortable as possible in her last hours.  Is there a grief support group in your area...a place where you can go and talk to other people who are going through the same grief process?  Maybe the hospice in your area has information to help with the grief process.  You will never forget her...but maybe time will help to ease some of the pain and the mental images of her last stays will dimish to the point where they are just a memory.  Talk to other people....I find that just talking about something difficult ... Really does help.

alex

I am so very sorry for your loss.  But yes, her last days were normal, there was nothing that you could have done. I'm sure that you took wonderful care of her right up until the crossing.  I try to remove those terrible last moment memories from my mind, but it's hard sometimes.  So, what I've done to help with that is to place pictures of our better times all around the house.  That way he is always smiling back at me, and I can "talk" to him as I'm doing chores no matter what room I'm in.  We each have our very own way of dealing with grief, so just do what seems right to you.  And don't be afraid to cry, it's good to let out those emotions rather than have them build up and explode when you least expect it.

Take comfort in that you were with her at the end, she knew you were there, and loved her.  This I know.

My deepest condolences...

Cynthia

I am sorry for your loss and what you had to go through. I can't add much to what has already been said, except that my local hospice offer help for after loss, maybe yours does too.

Serenity

I am so sorry for your loss.  My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

for your loss and also that of Linda.  The end can come in may different forms.

My husband George died on 10/29/12 after battling advanced Stage IV for 3 1/2 years.  I can hosestly say the end was nothing like you describe.  George did not have bone mets (that I know of) so perhaps that makes a difference.  There was no gagging.  The dropped jaw, yes because they are breathing through their mouth.  During the last 48 hours there was no pain (never really was), no staring into space, no aggitation, no thrashing, and the like, no gasping for air. No movement by him.  He just looked like he was sleeping very soundly.  He simply drifted off and you could tell by some of the monitors that his heart was failing, his breathing was erratic, blood pressure was low, etc. so I had the monitors turned off in the room.  He just opened his eyes once, closed them, and exhaled and that was it at 3:22 p.m. 

You might ask why I am posting this?  Well, it is to let everyone who is Stage IV and thinking about the end, what it could be like.  It was only those last few days that I knew he was never coming home.  Before that, in fact four days earlier, he was still talking, etc. and said how he hoped he would be released that day and then it took an awful turn.

I am so very sorry your wife suffered so much.  You did the best you could, as all caregivers do, and yes, you may second guess yourself, I know I did, and ask yourself if you made all the right decisions but in time you will come to realize you did the very best you could under very strenuous conditions and will find peace with your decisions. 

I did say no to life support measures.  I had to really think on that one but came to realize if I said yes, what would the end result be and realized it would have been no different except he would have suffered stuff by a heart doctor, dialysis, ventilator, etc. and I said no.  Believe me folks, that is a decision no human being should have to make for someone they love so very much and it haunts you for a very long time, maybe forever, but if you dig deep enough you come to realize it is the right decision to let go.

Take care my semi colons, I think of each of you every day.

Love - Tina

We are so sorry for your loss.  I know the battle and pain of cancer first hand.  I am glad her pain is over and she has found sollace in a great place.  

Keep her in your thoguhts and prayers and remember she is watching over you and your family.

Best Always,  mike

scared99 said:

Stock,  your wife passing

Stock,  your wife passing sounds like my mom.  She had every thing you described.  It was a horrible thing to witness.   My mom was functioning I somewhat well until about mid July.  Then she went downhill fast.  She was non responsive towards the end.  how have you been doing ? 

Thanks for the support this community has given me. I'm not doing really well. The images of the last few days r still strongly embedded in my mind. I don't know if they'll ever go away. I'm also plagued by nagging, persistent thought about not having done enought for her. I miss her so much. I'm afraid to go out to stores and restaurant we frequently visited for fear that the memories will flood my thoughts, and i'll start crying. So to avoid this, i mostly stay at home and go out only to visit her at the cemetary. Had to change my user name and account since for some reason i was unable to login with my old user name. I thought at first the site had banned me for being too graphic in my description of her illness.

My sister died from cancer when she was 44, and I was with her at the end.  In her case (she died from kidney failure), it was a very quiet passing.  But when my mom died last fall, she had pneumonia, and that caused her to have the gurgling sound you describe.  It was a lot more disturbing to me than my sister's death (although that was emotionally more upsetting, because she was so young).  I can't allow myself to dwell too much on the last couple of days before my mom died, because they were pretty awful.  I have to make a conscious effort when I start to think about it, replace those scenes with better memories of my mom.  

I wonder if it would help you to look at photos of your wife when she was healthy when these kinds of thoughts start to become overwhelming?  I find it helpful to have visual reminders to push aside the more upsetting memories.  I also think talking to someone about this (like a therapist who specializes in loss) can be incredibly useful.  The only other words of wisdom I can offer is that the passage of time will bring some peace with it, as much of a cliche as that may be.  My BIL and nephew (who was 13 when my sis died) are doing really well now, but it took time for them to reach that more positive space.  They will miss my sister, and mourn her loss, forever, but the overwhelming grief has lessened, and they are able to be happy and enjoy life despite their loss.

Sending strength and hugs your way~Ann Alexandria

Edited because I just read your last post.  I really can't encourage you enough to seek out some grief counseling.  This does not "fix" the situation, as only time can do that (and then only in the sense of allowing you to regain some sense of acceptance), but it can really help with developing coping techniques in the short-term.  I worked with a therapist after my sister died who helped me so much.  I had many regrets, and wished that I had done things differently while she was alive.  The therapist helped me to come to terms with this.  This is such an overwhelming situation, and none of us is prepared for it when it happens.  It is literally impossible to be prepared for the emotional devastation after we lose a loved one.  Please keep us updated on how you're doing.  We care.