3 weeks post radical nephrectomy-feeling emotional

Didn't want you to think nobody was listening.  Folks far more informed than I will be here shortly but until then I have a few questions.  Why the radical on a 4cm tumor.  Are your closure mechanisms (sutures, staples, etc) still in place or removed?  As far as the emotions, that can be a real roller coaster for awhile.  Surgery, medications and an uncertain future do not make for a relaxing situation.  What did the pathology report say?  Are you seeing an oncologist?  I'm willing to guess that just posting your thoughts may have helped ease a bit of the gloom.  I know I had some rocky times until I came to grips with my new reality.  Hang in there..... more thoughtful people will be here soon.....

Kidneycancer@35 said:

radical for cancer

Hi Gordon

 

Thank you for sharing and your supportive words. Sorry, I didn't make myself clear. I had the radical after a biopsy revealed the tumour in my left kidney was chromophobe rcc. The tumour was too close to the vein for the surgeon to attempt a partial. I get my full pathology report next week and will know my next steps from then. I highly doubt there will be an oncologist referral though.

The surgeon did a laproscopic nephrectomy and three of my 5 incisions have split open. The surgeon used glue to seal the wounds and unfortunately it has come off most of them too soon.

I guess I am just coming to terms with my new reality.

 

 

 

My incisions were glued also, and came apart.  I just kept them very clean and covered.  I loosely taped the larger incision back together, and they finally grew together, although I look like I have 2 belly buttons now.  As for the emotional roller coaster, yes, that will happen, too.  Your body has gone through one heck of a battle and survived being cut open, stomped on by 47 sumo wrestlers, and then put back together with bubble gum and super glue.  I'm about 14 weeks out from surgery and I'm still sore in places, numb in places, and pissed off as hell that this has happened just when my husband and and I were all set to start enjoying our "golden years". Hah! Right! Just take it one day at a time, and your partner probably could use a hug and an "I'll try not to pick another fight, but I can't guarantee anything" followed by a big smile and a kiss.  That usually works with my guy. ;0). Hang in there. 

Kidneycancer@35 said:

Thanks for your reply, 

Thanks for your reply,  Tillie.  This journey is definitely a roller coaster. Thankfully I feel less emotional and more like my self than I did this morning. I have heard of a few people's wounds coming apart that have been glued. I wonder why they use it! One on my back is infected and I keeo having to get it dressed at the drs. I guess I just feel frustrated that it's not all progressing as fast as I'd hoped.  I, too, have numbness. It is a large area from.juat below my incision half my groin and the top inner part of my thigh. It actually seems to be easing which I didn't expect. I had an emergency c section a few years ago and half of that scar and surrounding area. I guess we are all getting used to our "new" bodies in a way.

 

 

 

 

Lorna, you must be a tough woman. You were faced with a difficult situation. You stood tall and took your medicine, literally. Congrats. However, there is a substantial reality strike for most after several weeks post op. You are dealing with your own mortality. It does pass. Many get meds to deal with it. I suggest you take this time to rethink your future. Take time for yourself. Be patient with your recovery. Time varies. Smile. There isn't much that can be harder than what you just did. It is now part of who you are. Like it or not. You were signaling right but forced to turn left. This board has all been through the same thing. Hang around and recieve some assurances about it. It will help. Fox.

Hi,

Three years ago, I had a 9cm malignant tumor removed laproscopically.  My incisions were red and ugly. The surgeon sewed the wounds with disolvable stitches.  Two of the wounds opened up and in one the stitches did not disolve. Your body will heal; and, believe it or not, you will barely be able to see the incisions. 

EVERYTHING at this point in your journey is a worry, it's normal.  My advice is to do what is recommended regarding diet changes and follow-up tests. After my diagnosis, I worried, was a bit angry (why me? kind of thing), and felt like "what should I be spending my time doing?"  I did not truly stop worrying until my third MRI came back clean.  I really don't think about my cancer now, and I'm much healthier mentally.  I know you'll be the same way.  I do think talking walks, yoga, and laughter are helpful.  Surround yourself with fun, happy people.  Be sure to get out of the house and do something to take your mind off your condition.  A suggestion would be to take a class in something interesting: photography, drawing, writing, dancing, etc.  

I will pray for you, but I know time will help heal your worries.

Best,

Sophie

SEE.... I told you the troops would show up.  Your journey may be individual but it doesn't have to be lonely..........

Kidneycancer@35 said:

thanks for sharing

Thank you so much for sharing and I don't feel like a loony right now. It is so nice to know what I'm experiencing is normal. I actually feel loads better and stronger today but I'm aware now that this is a roller coaster so at least I'll be prepared when I start feeling angry and emotional again. I guess I hadn't really had any emotions since starting this journey. I just got on with it and everything caught up with me and hit me with a sledgehammer the past few days. I'm a bit anxious about my pathology report which I get next Wednesday. I'm hoping for the all clear and to be able to start work in a few weeks and get back to my new normal.

Thank you all for your advice and sharing. It truly is helpful and I am so glad I joined this forum. It is always better to know you aren't alone.

 

Lorna

 

 

I had an "anger management" problem today and thought seriously about locking myself in the bedroom and telling my husband to go fly a kite....well, not that nicely, but I can't type what I would have told him to do.   My blood pressure was through the roof and he thought it was okay to not tell me that he had taken care of something that I was worried about...just let me go ahead and worry and stew until my BP and pulse were making me dizzy!  I have an appt tomorrow with my family doctor and I'm going to discuss with him that I want a referral back to Dr. Hart or someone familiar with RCC, since my surgeon (who is supposed to be a urological oncology surgeon) doesn't seem to want to keep me in the loop about my body.  Yes, I'm on the downhill screaming run from the top of that roller coaster track right now.  I've been having bad back pains, left thigh pain, and pains in my upper middle abdomen for a couple of days now, along with a bad headache and neck pain.  I "know" it is probably nothing, but guess I'm having one of those paranoid episodes and think every ache and pain is cancer.  But, you know, I told my friend back last year that I was afraid to have another MRI done, because I had a feeling they would find cancer somewhere, and I really didn't want to know about it.  I had three good friends die within months of being diagnosed, and then my sister died last Sept....then voila'...here I am, and I don't want to be where I am! I know I am luckier than a lot of people on here, but my mind isn't understanding that right now.  I'll be better tomorrow, and my husband may still be alive if he doesn't pull anymore shenanigans with my blood pressure! LOL

TillieSOK said:

I had an "anger management"

I had an "anger management" problem today and thought seriously about locking myself in the bedroom and telling my husband to go fly a kite....well, not that nicely, but I can't type what I would have told him to do.   My blood pressure was through the roof and he thought it was okay to not tell me that he had taken care of something that I was worried about...just let me go ahead and worry and stew until my BP and pulse were making me dizzy!  I have an appt tomorrow with my family doctor and I'm going to discuss with him that I want a referral back to Dr. Hart or someone familiar with RCC, since my surgeon (who is supposed to be a urological oncology surgeon) doesn't seem to want to keep me in the loop about my body.  Yes, I'm on the downhill screaming run from the top of that roller coaster track right now.  I've been having bad back pains, left thigh pain, and pains in my upper middle abdomen for a couple of days now, along with a bad headache and neck pain.  I "know" it is probably nothing, but guess I'm having one of those paranoid episodes and think every ache and pain is cancer.  But, you know, I told my friend back last year that I was afraid to have another MRI done, because I had a feeling they would find cancer somewhere, and I really didn't want to know about it.  I had three good friends die within months of being diagnosed, and then my sister died last Sept....then voila'...here I am, and I don't want to be where I am! I know I am luckier than a lot of people on here, but my mind isn't understanding that right now.  I'll be better tomorrow, and my husband may still be alive if he doesn't pull anymore shenanigans with my blood pressure! LOL

I have been right where you are, Tillie.  I get it.  The mister has feared for his life on more than one occasion during our journey.  I say 'our' because he's ALMOST as affected by my RCC as I am.  During a recent visit to my family doctor, I had a melt down, right there in his office.  During the dr's assessment of my emotional state, he asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts.  Really??  I looked him straight in the eye and said suicidal, no...homicidal, yes!!  I, of course, was not serious, nor did he think I was, but it did serve as a good indication of just how irritable I was.  Luckily, my mister survived that particular coaster ride.  If I could just manage to get on the coaster alone and not drag him on too, but, inevitably, he says or does something stupid that lands him in the seat along side me. 

Like you, I have had several people die soon after their cancer diagnosis.  My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in December 2002 and died in January 2003, just 5 weeks, at 66 years of age.  Mama was diagnosed the day before daddy's funeral, in Jan 2003 and died in October 2003, just 9 months, at 64 years old.  Hers was undetermined as to the primary source, but we knew for certain it was in her lungs, and brain.  And then there was my co-worker, diagnosed in the fall with pancreatic cancer, died the following spring, she was 42 years old.  So, when you talk about fearing the worst with every ache and pain, I completely understand.  I am guilty of the same.  Right now I'm good, when I go back in December for blood work and chest x-rays, that will change. 

As for all the aches and pains you are currently experiencing in your back, thighs and tummy, they could certainly be anxiety induced.  I know first hand how powerful the brain can be.  All it takes is just the very thought that that little pain is something ominous and away run our minds in the direction of 'what if'.  Then, it's just a matter of time before anxiety sets in, exacerbating the pain which in turn, makes our minds run even faster and before you know it you're back on the coaster, screaming on a downward spiral.  Having said that, I know it's important to have the aches and pains evaluated by a doctor but, if we could somehow put the whole anxiety meltdown on hold until we KNOW there's a problem, we'd spend more time in line anticipating the coaster ride without actually getting on the coaster full speed ahead.

My doctor isn't the best communicator either so I am going to get my pathology report and read through it.  I was under the impression (because it's what I was told) that my adrenal gland was to be removed with my kidney, along with lymph nodes.  At my 2nd follow up, the nurse said my adrenal gland was still in tact.  What?  Really?  Is that good?  Did he take lymph nodes?  She did mention I still had blood in my urine but said if the doctor didn't mention it then he must not be too concerned about it so, nor should I be.  I had blood drawn at that visit but never heard about the results.  When I called the office to inquire about it, the nurse told me the results were on his desk and that no news is good news.  If I didn't hear back from him in a day or two, that means everything is within normal limits.  I've read enough posts on here to know that most people know the level at which their, now lone kidney, is funtioning.  I have no idea what my kidney function is.  I am learning I need to be my own advocate, that my kidney cancer is clearly far more important to me than these doctors and nurses and if it takes me being a **** to get answers, then so be it.  I can do that...just ask the mister

Whew!  I guess I needed to vent, sorry to unload on ya!  Hope you are in a much better place today, Tillie.  Keep your chin up!

Sindy

twinthings said:

Anger management

I have been right where you are, Tillie.  I get it.  The mister has feared for his life on more than one occasion during our journey.  I say 'our' because he's ALMOST as affected by my RCC as I am.  During a recent visit to my family doctor, I had a melt down, right there in his office.  During the dr's assessment of my emotional state, he asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts.  Really??  I looked him straight in the eye and said suicidal, no...homicidal, yes!!  I, of course, was not serious, nor did he think I was, but it did serve as a good indication of just how irritable I was.  Luckily, my mister survived that particular coaster ride.  If I could just manage to get on the coaster alone and not drag him on too, but, inevitably, he says or does something stupid that lands him in the seat along side me. 

Like you, I have had several people die soon after their cancer diagnosis.  My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in December 2002 and died in January 2003, just 5 weeks, at 66 years of age.  Mama was diagnosed the day before daddy's funeral, in Jan 2003 and died in October 2003, just 9 months, at 64 years old.  Hers was undetermined as to the primary source, but we knew for certain it was in her lungs, and brain.  And then there was my co-worker, diagnosed in the fall with pancreatic cancer, died the following spring, she was 42 years old.  So, when you talk about fearing the worst with every ache and pain, I completely understand.  I am guilty of the same.  Right now I'm good, when I go back in December for blood work and chest x-rays, that will change. 

As for all the aches and pains you are currently experiencing in your back, thighs and tummy, they could certainly be anxiety induced.  I know first hand how powerful the brain can be.  All it takes is just the very thought that that little pain is something ominous and away run our minds in the direction of 'what if'.  Then, it's just a matter of time before anxiety sets in, exacerbating the pain which in turn, makes our minds run even faster and before you know it you're back on the coaster, screaming on a downward spiral.  Having said that, I know it's important to have the aches and pains evaluated by a doctor but, if we could somehow put the whole anxiety meltdown on hold until we KNOW there's a problem, we'd spend more time in line anticipating the coaster ride without actually getting on the coaster full speed ahead.

My doctor isn't the best communicator either so I am going to get my pathology report and read through it.  I was under the impression (because it's what I was told) that my adrenal gland was to be removed with my kidney, along with lymph nodes.  At my 2nd follow up, the nurse said my adrenal gland was still in tact.  What?  Really?  Is that good?  Did he take lymph nodes?  She did mention I still had blood in my urine but said if the doctor didn't mention it then he must not be too concerned about it so, nor should I be.  I had blood drawn at that visit but never heard about the results.  When I called the office to inquire about it, the nurse told me the results were on his desk and that no news is good news.  If I didn't hear back from him in a day or two, that means everything is within normal limits.  I've read enough posts on here to know that most people know the level at which their, now lone kidney, is funtioning.  I have no idea what my kidney function is.  I am learning I need to be my own advocate, that my kidney cancer is clearly far more important to me than these doctors and nurses and if it takes me being a **** to get answers, then so be it.  I can do that...just ask the mister

Whew!  I guess I needed to vent, sorry to unload on ya!  Hope you are in a much better place today, Tillie.  Keep your chin up!

Sindy

I'm very (and, I fear, unusually) lucky in having a just about perfect care team who are infinitely obliging, caring and willing to discuss everything in detail. 

Nonetheless, I applaud your healthy, robust attitude, which most of us need to constantly bear in mind and you put it very well:

"I am learning I need to be my own advocate, that my kidney cancer is clearly far more important to me than these doctors and nurses and if it takes me being a ***** to get answers, then so be it.  I can do that."

TillieSOK said:

 
I'm sitting at my doctor's

 

I'm sitting at my doctor's office right now...in the exam room, as a matter of fact.  I'm calmer today and will talk to him about transferring my onc care to another dr.  I will still be coming to this one because he is my primary care dr, but I don't want to see my surgeon anymore and he doesn't seem to want to release me. Aghhhhh!  One good thing about the stress...I'm averaging 1 lb a week weight loss.  Yay, me!  Plus I don't feel too many murderous impulses so far today, and that's good, right? 

I could go for a lb a week myself, (30 weeks worth infact) but there must be an easier way!  That's coming from a fat girl who's tried every diet known.   A fat girl who knows how hard it is to lose weight and STILL I say, there must be an easier way.  Stress is a wicked thing. 

I hope your appointment was productive today.  At the very least, I hope you got the name of a new doctor. 

And yes, it's a good thing you're not contemplating murder today...hubby lives to see another day.

I think what you are going through is quite normal.  You put all your focus and energy into what needed to be done.  You took care of business.  Now as you are recovering, you've had some time to think and the emotional part comes out.  You will get through this part too.  Go easy on yourself.  You've been through a lot.  It does get better...your thoughts and your physical well-being.  I wish you a speedy recovery and good news at your next appointment.