Sandy and Laz

I'm being hooked up right now. I feel good and very optimistic.

All the best for you as well,

Laz

My Pulmonologist, in whose care I have been for many years got quite a few laughs with me bringing in the scan reports with all the circles and question marks. He answered my questions and seemed to understand perfectly well why it was frustrating to read for me it showing new things on it and enlargements and lymph nodes lit up. It looked to me to be awful.

He said I had a terrible inflammation at the time they took the scan, and that affected the outcome. He said he feels certain the glowing lymph gland just confirmed the beginning of some infection that has now cleared up. I do have a lung condition that is chronic and progressive, but it is not cancer. He feels sure about that, but said he will review the disc when they send it to him. (I have to request it). He also said medicine is unpredictable some of the time and often there is no absolute way to predict how something will progress or improve. He doesn't even really have a firm diagnosis for what is wrong with my lungs. He just measures my breathing and acts quickly when I get inflammations. He said I actually could lose the hearing in my other ear, which upset me. He said it is highly unlikely, but it could happen.

Martha was exactly right with her response to my worries. He said the radiologists say some of the same things differently so it doesn't work very well sometimes to compare reports. He just goes to the disc to read for himself. I felt quite relieved and happy when I left his office, until I got home.

Thank you for being there. My husband acts like he is fed up. He has been sarcastic and dismissive. It's really hard to be with him. Sometimes I think he is just not in love with me any more. He can't show empathy or be comforting to me. He just acted like "I knew it all the time" thing. It's been this way the whole time. I don't think I ever really knew him until this all came up. He could calm me better than anyone if he would just sit beside me and hold my hand and tell me he understands or something. But he just tasks away,which is admirable but he judges my behavior, about learning about my illness through research pretty obsessively, when he has hardly ever been sick a day in his life.

Maybe after this 2nd anniversary of last tx has passed, things will improve. He is trying to be a really good husband, I know that, and he is. This cancer business has brought out the worst of both of us.

Thank you, my friends! I really would be out of my gourd if it weren't for you!

Sandy

sandysp said:

All seems well here

My Pulmonologist, in whose care I have been for many years got quite a few laughs with me bringing in the scan reports with all the circles and question marks. He answered my questions and seemed to understand perfectly well why it was frustrating to read for me it showing new things on it and enlargements and lymph nodes lit up. It looked to me to be awful.

He said I had a terrible inflammation at the time they took the scan, and that affected the outcome. He said he feels certain the glowing lymph gland just confirmed the beginning of some infection that has now cleared up. I do have a lung condition that is chronic and progressive, but it is not cancer. He feels sure about that, but said he will review the disc when they send it to him. (I have to request it). He also said medicine is unpredictable some of the time and often there is no absolute way to predict how something will progress or improve. He doesn't even really have a firm diagnosis for what is wrong with my lungs. He just measures my breathing and acts quickly when I get inflammations. He said I actually could lose the hearing in my other ear, which upset me. He said it is highly unlikely, but it could happen.

Martha was exactly right with her response to my worries. He said the radiologists say some of the same things differently so it doesn't work very well sometimes to compare reports. He just goes to the disc to read for himself. I felt quite relieved and happy when I left his office, until I got home.

Thank you for being there. My husband acts like he is fed up. He has been sarcastic and dismissive. It's really hard to be with him. Sometimes I think he is just not in love with me any more. He can't show empathy or be comforting to me. He just acted like "I knew it all the time" thing. It's been this way the whole time. I don't think I ever really knew him until this all came up. He could calm me better than anyone if he would just sit beside me and hold my hand and tell me he understands or something. But he just tasks away,which is admirable but he judges my behavior, about learning about my illness through research pretty obsessively, when he has hardly ever been sick a day in his life.

Maybe after this 2nd anniversary of last tx has passed, things will improve. He is trying to be a really good husband, I know that, and he is. This cancer business has brought out the worst of both of us.

Thank you, my friends! I really would be out of my gourd if it weren't for you!

Sandy

Sounds much better!

As far as your husband is concerned, probably I don't tell you a secret that we, men are pretty childish when it comes to emotions and commited relationships. When things change and they are not like they used to be, we get stubborn and offen close up. We don't say "I love you" or "I'm here for you" verbally. We make you a cup of tea and put it down next to you without look at you or saying a word. Or we research everything about your problem and start lecturing you about the solution like we do our buddies. But women don't speak this kind of "language" at all. You speak the language of holding hands, hugs , closeness and endless conversations filled with real feelings.

My suggestion to communicate this to a man is this. Do Not sit him down face to face or lock him in a corner. This is way confrontational and scary for a man and he won't hear a word you are saying, shot down and/or get angry. What you do is take him for a walk or a ride in a car, where he doesn't have to look you in the eye while one of you is talking. I know, I know. For women communication without eye contact is not coplete, but if you want your man to get you, you have to compromise.

And tell him everything you told us above and more.

Laz.

sandysp said:

All seems well here

My Pulmonologist, in whose care I have been for many years got quite a few laughs with me bringing in the scan reports with all the circles and question marks. He answered my questions and seemed to understand perfectly well why it was frustrating to read for me it showing new things on it and enlargements and lymph nodes lit up. It looked to me to be awful.

He said I had a terrible inflammation at the time they took the scan, and that affected the outcome. He said he feels certain the glowing lymph gland just confirmed the beginning of some infection that has now cleared up. I do have a lung condition that is chronic and progressive, but it is not cancer. He feels sure about that, but said he will review the disc when they send it to him. (I have to request it). He also said medicine is unpredictable some of the time and often there is no absolute way to predict how something will progress or improve. He doesn't even really have a firm diagnosis for what is wrong with my lungs. He just measures my breathing and acts quickly when I get inflammations. He said I actually could lose the hearing in my other ear, which upset me. He said it is highly unlikely, but it could happen.

Martha was exactly right with her response to my worries. He said the radiologists say some of the same things differently so it doesn't work very well sometimes to compare reports. He just goes to the disc to read for himself. I felt quite relieved and happy when I left his office, until I got home.

Thank you for being there. My husband acts like he is fed up. He has been sarcastic and dismissive. It's really hard to be with him. Sometimes I think he is just not in love with me any more. He can't show empathy or be comforting to me. He just acted like "I knew it all the time" thing. It's been this way the whole time. I don't think I ever really knew him until this all came up. He could calm me better than anyone if he would just sit beside me and hold my hand and tell me he understands or something. But he just tasks away,which is admirable but he judges my behavior, about learning about my illness through research pretty obsessively, when he has hardly ever been sick a day in his life.

Maybe after this 2nd anniversary of last tx has passed, things will improve. He is trying to be a really good husband, I know that, and he is. This cancer business has brought out the worst of both of us.

Thank you, my friends! I really would be out of my gourd if it weren't for you!

Sandy

First, let me say that I am very happy to hear that your doctor was able to explain away some of the things on your scan report.  My friend, Dr. Mac, who is a radiologist, and I had a discussion one night when he brought me my scan results about how scary some of the things reported on a scan can be to the patient, even though they are completely benign.  In his words "there is no such thing as a perfect scan."  I could have gone forever without knowing that at sometime in the past I had been infected with histoplasmosis or that I had a cyst on one of my kidneys, even though neither of these things are cause for any alarm. 

Your comments about how your husband is reacting to all this make me quite sad.  If it gives you any consolation, my husband is not a touchy-feely kind of person either and when he sees I am down or not feeling well, his reaction is usually just to leave me alone, when I would really appreciate a hug or some hand holding.  That's not to say that he didn't take good care of me while I was going through treatment because he did, or that he isn't a good husband because he is.  But we are different in some ways and what we need from each other.  My 5-year anniversary of being a survivor is coming up and I don't think he fully understands the significance of it and how I would like to do something special with him, such as take a trip and spend some time together.  He wants to buy me another piece of jewelry, of which I have enough as is.  The other thing that has bugged me in the last 5 years is his lack of knowledge about this type of cancer.  He has done no reading up on it and doesn't care to know even the most basic things about it.  Ignorance seems to be bliss for him.  In his defense, I think he is being a typical guy in that if something is not discussed, it will just go away.  Meanwhile, I deal with abdominal adhesions, excruciating stomach pains and unpredictable mad dashes to the bathroom.  I realize he can't fix that, but just holding me for a little while when I have an episode would certainly make me feel better.

Okay, I'm finished!  Just know that you can come here and unload any time you want.  We may not always completely understand, but I think we do most of the time--and we will ALWAYS listen!  Love and hugs to you, my dear friend.   

lp1964 said:

There, there, there...

Sounds much better!

As far as your husband is concerned, probably I don't tell you a secret that we, men are pretty childish when it comes to emotions and commited relationships. When things change and they are not like they used to be, we get stubborn and offen close up. We don't say "I love you" or "I'm here for you" verbally. We make you a cup of tea and put it down next to you without look at you or saying a word. Or we research everything about your problem and start lecturing you about the solution like we do our buddies. But women don't speak this kind of "language" at all. You speak the language of holding hands, hugs , closeness and endless conversations filled with real feelings.

My suggestion to communicate this to a man is this. Do Not sit him down face to face or lock him in a corner. This is way confrontational and scary for a man and he won't hear a word you are saying, shot down and/or get angry. What you do is take him for a walk or a ride in a car, where he doesn't have to look you in the eye while one of you is talking. I know, I know. For women communication without eye contact is not coplete, but if you want your man to get you, you have to compromise.

And tell him everything you told us above and more.

Laz.

Laz

I never would have thought of that in a thousand years. Thank you. This is my third marriage and I always found out at the end of my marriages that my ex husbands were only ever acting tough. If only I had know, particularly in my second relationship, marriage how afraid he was of losing me. They both acted like they really didn't care, it seemed to me.

My third husband and I have been together for 20 years and I still don't know how to communicate effectively or feel like I have been heard, but perhaps this is what is wrong. I do usually look him in the eye and the way he seems to be is like distant, remote and if he is angry, he becomes dark in color and sulks, becoming even more remote and distant, which just makes me feel so abandoned!

You probably just said way more than the PHD Psychologists and Medically trained Psychiatrist I will see, right there, Laz. ha, ha!

Still I will have to train myself at this. I will definitely work on my end. He is worth it. He is a very gentle soul and good person who loves at least some version of me.

Thanks!

Sandy

sandysp said:

Question . . .

Martha,

Are we married to the same man? That's exactly the way I feel. I understand completely about your wanting to celebrate your fifth anniversary doing something together. Being removed to a festive and celebratory place, maybe like a Club Med or something. Laz is right. Try going for a car drive together (where there is not much traffic) and see what happens.

Fondly,

Sandy

LOL!  Is your husband lying on the couch right now sound asleep and snoring?  If so, we COULD be married to the same man!  LOL! 

About the car drive, we do plenty of that on Sundays in our old convertible, but it's usually a pretty quiet ride.  For one, the radio doesn't work, and for two, hubs is just so into driving that car, he rarely says a word.  I am working on him, dropping a few hints here and there about going away for a long weekend in between my anniversary date and my birthday.  We'll see what happens! 

sandysp said:

Suggestion

Look for what YOU would like, get the brochures, and ask him which one he prefers while looking anywhere else but at him! :-)

P.S.

(I need to remember this advice).

No, you are not married to the same man. This is just incredibly common. I agree with Cynthia. Sit next to him, ask for what want and give him something to choose from. That will make him fill like he made the decision after all.

By the way, after I learned this I never set face to face to a woman. Not on a date, not at the dinner table. This way "you are both looking at the same thing" and you can comment or talk about it. On the other hand I learned great eye contact when talking and listening, the importance of  hand holding, hugs.

Laz

lp1964 said:

You two are funny!

No, you are not married to the same man. This is just incredibly common. I agree with Cynthia. Sit next to him, ask for what want and give him something to choose from. That will make him fill like he made the decision after all.

By the way, after I learned this I never set face to face to a woman. Not on a date, not at the dinner table. This way "you are both looking at the same thing" and you can comment or talk about it. On the other hand I learned great eye contact when talking and listening, the importance of  hand holding, hugs.

Laz

Laz - Wow! I must say your comments about communicating with men are very interesting. My husband was good to me during my treatments, but a few things baffled me during that time and still do........ He is a scientist, very intelligent, and will do all kinds of research about certain things (dog training for example), but yet never did one ounce of research on my cancer or the treatments, nor did he ever ask one question of a Dr. when he would accompany me on Dr. visits......... It made me feel like he didn't care, but I know this is not true. After a while I just thought maybe it was fear, he didn't want to do research, since it would probably be bad news since I was Stage 3B with lymph node involvement......  The other thing that baffled me was him getting really, really mad at me a few times for stuff that I would have overlooked had the situation been in reverse. Maybe his way of letting loose of his fear and lack of control about what was going on? I guess it's just as hard for women to figure out men as it is for men to figure out women..... Thanks for being willing to share some of this mysterious, secret world and giving suggestions on how to communicate.

mp327 said:

islandgirlculebra

I was disappointed with my husband too, in that he made no attempt to learn anything about this cancer when I was diagnosed.  He is a person who is not into details, such as when he talks to his mom on the phone for a half hour and I ask him for an update afterwards.  His response--everything's okay.  That's all I get!  I think that's what a lot of men want--for everything to be okay.  I think burying their emotions is one way they deal with this.  If they don't think about it, it will go away.  I am quite the opposite.  I want to know what's going on and what I can do about it. 

Perhaps we all need to go on Dr. Phil to discuss this. 

ok... i agree with all of you...we are all married to almost the same man....my hubby also never resesarched anal cancer and he thinks i stay on this web site too  long...he is a good man and i was only married to him for 6 years when i got this dx.... one bad time:  he  got soooooo mad at me the week after tx had finished ..  i was released from the icu and hospital part of MDAnderson   and i was sooooo tired i could barely make it to the hotel room so i cut my cell off ... he was trying to reach me to ask if he should buy this doctor ordered rx that was soooo expensive and blue cross would not pay for it.... i could barely think much less make a decision...he blew up...really hurt my feelings... later on another time,, i was upset due to blood in bm after 3 years post tx.... he just scoffed and said that it was nothing... so now i do not even mention it or my fear....of which , i have had lots more blood many more times  ( getting anoscope at end of month to check).... hubbys are not perfect and do cause stress .... but he is doing the best he can.....do not want to complain too much cause i know it is hard on him.....sephie