Hard time with my daughter.

Hi, i have a 22 year old and a 20 year old "adult children, both my husband and and i are "seriously ill. I have stage IV rectal cancer and for over 4 years i have been actively fighting it, my husband has been sick for 12 yaers and ithas been extremely hard on him fiscially , financially, emotionally and he has not always been the best man, husband or dad concequently the kids have blamed him for not being who they expected and they blame me for not being who they me for not being who they expect me to be.  They act and behave in ways that absolutley blows my mind. It seems sometimes the more I push the hard they push away. ( In away they maybe trying to protect themself from the loss of a normal healthly parent).  I am sure it is the same in divorce.  My point is children will never act the way we expect in times of great termoil.  Give your daughter some space. let her know you love her and that you expect her to respect you but leave it up to her how much she wants to help you or see you. You stay in touch thru mail, phone and visits don't be demanding, shes to young to understand what your going thru and the more you push the less she will understand.  she will come around and be there for you. In ways she understands.  With my children I have had struggles but, I will be there for them as long as i can and to my best ability i try and explain my and their dads circumstances.  Try not to use guilt, just be a dad and she will be a daughter.This will be the hardest time for her and you but if you tell her off or even worse cut her off you will only confirm what her young brain already thinks and that is that it is better for her to shut you out, than be hurt by you. Unconditional Love is hard but as parents that what we must do.  Sick or Divorced We are Parents.  Be the best you you will feel better if you are.

Take care your journey will be long and hard enough leave this one to time and hang in there for her.

Penny

Your baby girl is something you need to fight for just like your willing to fight for your life.  Your daughter is young and from my perspective I have 3 boys currentlly 25, 22 and 20.  It seemed to me as my boys grew up the girls were alway a bit more mature than the boys, however, they are never to mature to lose there father or their mother.  Just hug your daughter when you have the chance and ask her if its okay to share your feelings with her about being sick.  Dont bring up her mom, be the better person, it will make you stronger in the long run.  My boys are furious right now at my husband and myself because I want a divorce and my husband does not.  I  cant tell you the last time was held, or hugged or intimate with my spouse.  My boys dont need to know that, thats not there business.  What they need to know is that we love them no matter if we are together or a part and we will always be there for them when they need us.  You need to remember your daughter is exactly that your daughter, she is supposed to lean on dad not dad lean on daughter, it does happen occasionally, but sounds like with the upheavel of divorce she is lost and torn.Dont be too hard on her she is hurting just like you.Stress makes everyone wifes, husbands, sons, daugheters grandmas grandpas it makes us all do crazy, ridiculous things, hang on to your faith in what makes you whole!

Hang on one more day, a little longer, a little tighter,   PUSH (PRAY UNTIL SOMETHIng HAPPENS) couldnt hurt

Love and hugs your way, you will figure it out.

Goofyladie (Cass)

I think it's pretty common with teens for them to pull away from both parents during adolescence, especially when divorce is involved.  When my parents split up, I only saw my dad at the holidays for several years.  It wasn't because I was angry at him or anything, it was just my self-absorption.  I didn't think to reach out to him, being a typical kid, busy with my own stuff.  I started seeing him again when I got a little older, and we developed a much better relationship.  Having cancer would only complicate that situation further, I would imagine.  I think one thing to contemplate is that your daughter is grieving right now...divorce, your illness...that's a lot for a young person to handle.  Would you consider trying family counseling?  It can be useful to have an objective third party help us figure out coping skills, ideas for how to improve things.  I would really encourage you not to "let her go".  Our kids need to hear the exact opposite...that we will stick with them no matter how hard life gets.  And believe me, as a mom of two teenage daughters (one of whom is sulking in her room at this very moment, mad at me for something or other), there are times when I feel like booting them out the front door!  It's not easy being a parent, and dealing with personal stuff at the same time, but it's when things apart that they need us most of all.

Hugs~AA

PS  When my kids start acting like jerks, I try to envision their toddler faces on those grown-up bodies.  That's basically what teens are, at least at times...just great, big two-year olds.  So it helps me to think of them that way!

Fight for her. Can you ask another family member to talk to her? Talk to her and tell her how you feel and please, tell her you love her very much. Don't speak badly about her mom, it will only hurt her and make her angry at you. Whatever the reason for the divorce, put it aside and try to find a way to comfort your daughter. She may be pulling away because she's afraid to lose you and feels if she doesn't get too close, it won't hurt as much. Make peace with her, otherwise, she'll live her life with regrets. 

lp1964 said:

Things are better.

A couple of weeks ago I talked to her about how important she is to me. Also I repressed the difference it makes when she shows her support. Earlier I had to tell her that besides my doctors, nurses, wife, family friends I can only deal with people who actively support me, show me love. At this point I cannot afford to have people around who always just ask, ask and demand. In the summer she spends more time with me so we are really getting closer. I wish I had this during the school year, but the divorce settlement won't allow it.

Thank you for all the support and good advise. It really made a huge difference.

Laz

Glad to hear that you two were able to sit down and talk things through.  Hopefully, things will continue to be good when she goes back to school.

alex