OK, I'm going in!

MDCinSC said:

Sorry!

I wax poetic once in a while!   Florid actually!

A hazard of the degree!

 

I thought it was cool!

foxhd said:

OK, I'm back!...I think.

WOW!!!!!!!!! Didn't see that coming!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna have to read back to bring myself up to date. This is the first interaction I've had with anyone but my family since discharge sat. 7/20. (I could not even start my computer. I needed absolute personnal time.) All I can say up front is that was the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. Those who have done it with minimal side effects, God Bless you. Anyone who flirts with a psychosis, I give my complete appreciation of the world you must live in. I am learning alot in reterospect. If anything I post here is inconsistant with earlier posts, it's because I didn't read back and I'm speaking from my current state of mental health.

I think I was fairly well prepared for the physical stress. In fact my vitals remained so stable, it was impressive. Drops in BP,and other cardiac indicators is often the reason for termination of the sessions. I was expected to make the distance. I'm always convinced I can handle anything and recover. Here is where my marathon training and health care experience were great advantages. Just like always, I heard alot of, "Gee, you don't look sick." I hung around in street clothes.

Each infusion compounded the previous one. Rigors set in 3 hours after dose. A shot of demerol took care of most of that along with the chills. Perhaps 6 hours later, things seemed to become pretty stable. The vomiting( in my case violent dry heaves are managed with a couple drugs including ativan.) I was reluctant to use the ativan as I am most familiar with it being used for anxiety and I didn't see anxiety as a problem. Diarrhea followed. Eating is pretty much out of the question. Sleep deprevation is a real problem. Vitals and drugs q2hrs leave little time for rest.

Now here is where it got strange. Somewhere around numbers 3-4 I began to visit the world of psychosis. Sort of like the definition of pornography. You know it when you see it. I stayed alert and oriented. Able to actively converse with caregivers. Things like a towel draped over a chair took on the appearance of a tiger laying in a tree. Kinda like the way I dream anyway. Maybe the lack of deep sleep played a big role. But OK, I've got his under control. Add the water retention from 24/7 IV and the constant introduction of both oral and IV drugs, and try to wonder why people get so disoriented.

On the morning of my scheduled 7th infusion, I sat in my bed waiting for my doctor. When she came in, I surprised her. I was reduced to being a sniffling, broken man. Told her I could not do one more. Based on my vitals, I was ready to go. Emotionally I was spent. She said she would stop by in a few hours and we could discuss it more. So I worked up the strength. Just one more. I can dig in and do it. So she comes back and I tell her, let's do it. She says that we really can stop now if necessary. I immediately said OK. What a relief. All the time knowing that I need to hang in to safe my life and to quit would be a big sign of weakness. Also knowing that if this treatment was to work, 6 may have been enough. So I based my decision on believing that if I did one more, the better the hopes. But if I did one more, I may not be able to return for the second round. Not doing one more gave mean extra day off. Bettering the odds of my coming back. No regrets .Glad I stopped. Ok, prepare to go home.

Again, I express my deepest sympathy for those living with true mental health issues. Alert and oriented.Sleep deprieved. Gut sore from vomiting. General weakness. Bright red skin. Fluid overload. My face felt like I was abandoned on a raft with advanced painful sunburn then having my face being pushed into the rough gritty sand just for torture. Hands blistering and beginning to peel. In large pieces. Legs swollen. Right leg very large with knee so swollen that I lost 90% of my range of motion. Pain and mobility as if I just underwent a reconstruction. Very difficult weight bearing, ambulation and bed transfers. Unable to eat or sleep. Just get me home. That nights sleep was terrible. Maybe going over the edge. But holding it together. So sick, so stressed. So "never have been done before" Now you know why I could no longer participate with others. Come on man. Get it together.

So here I am. I've done some walking. Talking my meds including lasix and ativan. Percocet for good measure. Face 90% better. Palms sore and peeling. Scalp peeling. Knee recovering nicely. Ready to talk. I will tell you that I am not going to discuss any of this to  other friends and concerned well wishers. I have an appreciation for our serice men and others who have to deal with post traumatic stress disorder. Not an enjoyable experience.

I still made jokes. Waiting for the Dr. to complete the d/c, I told the 30ish yo RN, "You just missed Mick Jagger. He came in to see me, took one look at my face and asked me if I could sit in for Keith Richards that night." She said, He'll know what you are talking about?" Oblivious. I guess I'm getting old. By that time my face was all scabbed and flaking. Looked like I fell asleep in a bowl of oatmeal.

What I have learned. Like anything, we each respond differently. This was not easy for me. I would feel for a returning combat soldier under going this. The mental health side is by far the most difficult. I'll explain more about this shortly. I will take my demerol and ativan as often as I can. This offers the greatest stability. The amount of Iv and oral medications is enough to make you crazy. I gained around 10 pounds. Bless you monthly women. No wonder men think you are all insane. I only made 6 infusions and for this next trip, 6 is the goal. If I have to quit at 4, then do it. Same goes for follow up sessions. If it is going to help me, then that will be plenty. No guilt or beeing an underacheiver here. So sad for those who handle the entire process with non effective results.  I believe that my having had my **** kicked mentally and physically on the outside it is doing the same on the inside. No doubts have crept in.

I would like others input on this observation. Does anyone have a bad memory from the time you almost hurt your leg? Of course not. But should you have suffered injuries as a result of some sort of accident, there becomes a strong emotional memory associated with the trauma. Trigger the injury and relive the stress. It has to be very connected. Those pathways have to be present. I'm sure regression therapy deals with this somehow. Anyway, This chemotherapy is very stressful. Feelings, bad memories, injuries buried deep into the subconcious pour right out to the surface. For me the rigors reproduced the feelings of child abuse I dealt with from an alcoholic marine father post WW2. Surpressed but present. It made me who I am. I was not abused to tears. I was abused to rigors. Frequently. How did he derive pleasure from that, I'll never know. But the associations for people have to vary considerably. What if life was growing up as daddy's princess? Or having lived through a fatal MVA? I am thinking about this alot. Interesting.

Anyway, I see the doc tomorrow. Tentative plan for readmission on the 29th. I will be better prepared. Sorry I was no rock as many expected. Donna, kick me in the ****. I feel as optimistic as always and this is because something is being accomplished. Any cancer left in me will be on it's last legs. Again, Thank you all. Being able to share our experiences together is so valuable. Remember FLY. Fox loves you.

Fox..... I had no idea that you were going on the IL-2 ride.  Good times!  Yes, wild and crazy stuff.  I had some of the crazys with my first week but not so much with my second.  I did have more of the emotional thing on the last couple of days of the second week.   Like David, I found the second week different but a little harder.  Also, I was not expecting that it would take me more time to recover the second time around. It took me a couple of weeks just to get my thought process back to 100%.   I am just starting to feel like myself. (about 6 weeks later.)  The itching thing was worst and lasted about 3 weeks this last time compared to 1 week the first.  This too shall pass. 

Thank you for capturing some of the process.  I know it was difficult.  For me, I just did not want to talk about it when I got home.  Just wanted to heal.  It is strange how all the tough stuff in the hospital seems to fade quickly and readys you for next round.

Feeling pretty good this week.  And yes, we do what we have to do.  You will be back to your old self in no time ready to jump on the IL-2 ride once again.  IL-2 kicks cancer butt!

Lotion, Lotion, Lotion..

Alexandra said:

old gal

This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you."

The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me."

The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."  

 

I wish you guys wouldn't post this stuff. I think people are going to figure out I'm reading this at work since I'm giggling and my eyes are watering.

Todd

foxhd said:

Mind clear up

My head finally began to clear up last night. What a brain fog. I hope to never have permanant mental illness because it sucks. Taking off to the beach for the weekend. Then readmit on monday for round 2. I am not promising any posts for awhile. I've exposed enough of my vulnerabilities. Keep this forum cranking. Remember NO negative thoughts. Keep our eyes on the prize. FLY.

 

How come this posted so out of order?

Fox –Glad you are clear and once again in control of  your insane thoughts.  Sounds like a weekend at the beach is a great idea. It will rejuvenate all that positive juice. Good luck Monday. Remember we’re with you.

P.S. The posting dates on this thread seem to have gone haywire.  I had a hard time finding most  recent post. When you do get back to us Fox, maybe start a new thread???

Texas_wedge said:

Good luck on Monday Fox!

You're so totally uninhibited Alex, that I wonder if, short of a special silo (or limiting some sorts of humour to Gary's dedicated threads where everyone knows almost anything goes) you should attach a sensibility alert to some of your postings!  Some of us here will be splitting our sides over your invariably brilliantly told jokes but I fear there are many whose sense of decorum may find some of it too distasteful?  Just a thought.

You've a good memory and a great talent for cutting to the chase as well.  What you've just said to Fox is so appropriate that I almost said that you took the words out of my mouth but, in fact, I don't think I could have matched your eloquence.  I think it unlikely that anyone else will put it better than you just have, but there will be many wanting to give voice to the same sentiments and for those who don't get here in time before Fox is back in again, you're speaking for the horde of his admireres who'll be wanting the very best for him in the next round, because: ELF - we're all thinking of you, man, and praying for everything to go well.

Wow!! Fox, true grit does not come close in describing you. I pray for your treatment to be 100% successful. I hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

Djinnie x

MDCinSC said:

What TW said,

In spades!

You'll be at the top of my prayer/warm fuzzy/positive energy lists this entire week.

You are a powerful, strong willed man. We'll be here waiting!

Warmly,

Michael

Foxster... just sing a bit.. and pass the time....  "I don't want a pickle.. jus wanna ride my motor sickle...  Ya gotta sing it with such enthusiasm..  like you just squashed a cop..."...  that line always makes me smile...  Now go kick butt..!   Holler back at us when you can... while us wussies sit here and wait... and tell dirty jokes.. 

Ron

Texas_wedge said:

Good luck on Monday Fox!

You're so totally uninhibited Alex, that I wonder if, short of a special silo (or limiting some sorts of humour to Gary's dedicated threads where everyone knows almost anything goes) you should attach a sensibility alert to some of your postings!  Some of us here will be splitting our sides over your invariably brilliantly told jokes but I fear there are many whose sense of decorum may find some of it too distasteful?  Just a thought.

You've a good memory and a great talent for cutting to the chase as well.  What you've just said to Fox is so appropriate that I almost said that you took the words out of my mouth but, in fact, I don't think I could have matched your eloquence.  I think it unlikely that anyone else will put it better than you just have, but there will be many wanting to give voice to the same sentiments and for those who don't get here in time before Fox is back in again, you're speaking for the horde of his admireres who'll be wanting the very best for him in the next round, because: ELF - we're all thinking of you, man, and praying for everything to go well.

My sincere apologies to anyone offended by "below-the-belt" humour.  

Luckily my upcoming tattoo is safely tucked in the Ovarian locker room http://csn.cancer.org/node/261234. Wedge, DO NOT follow this link.

Alexandra said:

Duly noted

My sincere apologies to anyone offended by "below-the-belt" humour.  

Luckily my upcoming tattoo is safely tucked in the Ovarian locker room http://csn.cancer.org/node/261234. Wedge, DO NOT follow this link.

oh my Alexandra... Yes I looked at that tattoo picture.. That poem about you fits here as well. Ron

NanaLou said:

Best wishes for Monday!!

I have just read this thread. Best wishes to ya. I hope it goes by fast for you, and you get  just enough to kick cancers butt good bye. I know how hard it is and am so glad it is behind me. The first time was the worst for the mind games it plays. I was foggy each time in.  I threw-up all six times , all the way through.  I think the dihera got worse each time. I took Depends with me my last three times in. It was pretty bad messing up the bed in the middle of the night and having to sit up waiting for them to change the bedding. My eyes would water after leaving the hospital. I took benydrl. Hope all goes well. Just keep your eye on the cure and keep thinking it will be over soon. I kept thinking I will be okay next week this time.

Much love,

NanaLou

 

  

Fox,

I haven't prowled around this site for a while and was SHOCKED to discover that you've moved onto IL2. Going for the gold, as usual. Many thanks for your blow-by-blow account of the experience. Your very personal description educates the rest of us, many of whom are contemplating the IL2 plunge, in a way that mere facts can't. You are brave and ornery - two excellent characteristics with which to cloak yourself in battle. And it's reassuring - isn't it? - to think of all your CSN friends who have weathered this particular hell. There is an end in sight. Here's hoping you can float through this experience in a Zen bubble, if you know what I mean. Sending you  love and light. Go Fox!