Emotional

I relate so strongly to that shock you describe - that I too have had a diagnosis of cancer.  I am overwhelmed at times, especially in the last few weeks as I go through the anniversaries of hearing my diagnosis, seeing doctors, scans, surgery, and then finally treatment.  As I have had some major meltdowns lately I have also tried to reframe the way I look back and tell myself that this time one year ago was the beginning of the end of the cancer.  I am trying to get on with life too but struggle with depression and anxiety and have found a wonderful therapist who will be with me for this stage of my healing journey.

It must have been wonderful seeing your daughter running in the race.  Take care.

Sorry, Liz - I guess we all have had a time or two (or three or four) where all of a sudden something hits us in the face and reminds us of the cancer diagnosis and all it entails. Sometimes the meltdown or tears can be very beneficial. 'Beneficial's not really the right word, but what I mean is that it's good to get it out. You went through something big and it's ok to have those moments of shock. But (reflecting on your comment to me about being a putz, which I loved ) don't let it get to you for too long, ok?   Take care, feel good about where you are now, not where you were a year ago. It's okay to think about it and acknowledge it, but don't you stay there for too long.

My first cancer diagnosis I was 26. I lived 3000 miles from my family, had been divorced for three years and was the single mother of a three year old. My father had died the year before (as a matter of extreme coincidence the surgery was scheduled on the anniversary of his death) He died from a 12 gauge shotgun wound to the face. They ruled it a suicide but the sheriff had his doubts and expressed them to our family. He didn't leave a note.

As a result I kept my cancer secret from my family. I checked myself into the hospital myself for the surgery. A friend of my daughter's mother took my daughter for the week I was in the hospital. Probably it was good I was anesthesized on that day (the anniversary).

I look back on that and I think how did I do that? Only now am I realizing how I just blocked the impact it had on me. My father died, I had a cancer diagnosis and hysterectomy and went on with my life. But I remember feeling like I had been violated and assaulted by my own body and my mind. I wondered if I had not been punished for the suicide like some old testament belief. I began to read positive thinking books and meditations. I was able to see how hard on myself I was about everything. I began to see "The Secret", so to speak.

I know that in many ways I made the choice to suffer in silence. My insurance offered five counseling sessions a year with a social worker that were so valuable to me but I know how much more I needed than that.

In 1991 my daughter died suddenly and "idiopathically" - no known cause of death. That's one reason why I am having such a hard time with this vertigo/ear thing being "idiopathic". It's a trigger for me to be really depressed. Her death was far worse than my cancer diagnoses and treatments.

I did two horrible divorces and hope to not ever have to go through that again. I realize now how wounded I was coming into this marriage and how determined I am to get spiritually and mentally and emotionally well. No matter what it takes. This time I have been sick has given me time to regather myself. When the systemic fatigue wears off, watch out world! Here I come!

Love,

Sandy

sandysp said:

Life's hard times

My first cancer diagnosis I was 26. I lived 3000 miles from my family, had been divorced for three years and was the single mother of a three year old. My father had died the year before (as a matter of extreme coincidence the surgery was scheduled on the anniversary of his death) He died from a 12 gauge shotgun wound to the face. They ruled it a suicide but the sheriff had his doubts and expressed them to our family. He didn't leave a note.

As a result I kept my cancer secret from my family. I checked myself into the hospital myself for the surgery. A friend of my daughter's mother took my daughter for the week I was in the hospital. Probably it was good I was anesthesized on that day (the anniversary).

I look back on that and I think how did I do that? Only now am I realizing how I just blocked the impact it had on me. My father died, I had a cancer diagnosis and hysterectomy and went on with my life. But I remember feeling like I had been violated and assaulted by my own body and my mind. I wondered if I had not been punished for the suicide like some old testament belief. I began to read positive thinking books and meditations. I was able to see how hard on myself I was about everything. I began to see "The Secret", so to speak.

I know that in many ways I made the choice to suffer in silence. My insurance offered five counseling sessions a year with a social worker that were so valuable to me but I know how much more I needed than that.

In 1991 my daughter died suddenly and "idiopathically" - no known cause of death. That's one reason why I am having such a hard time with this vertigo/ear thing being "idiopathic". It's a trigger for me to be really depressed. Her death was far worse than my cancer diagnoses and treatments.

I did two horrible divorces and hope to not ever have to go through that again. I realize now how wounded I was coming into this marriage and how determined I am to get spiritually and mentally and emotionally well. No matter what it takes. This time I have been sick has given me time to regather myself. When the systemic fatigue wears off, watch out world! Here I come!

Love,

Sandy

Sandy, I had no idea of all these heartaches you endured, my heart is breaking for you as I read your story, please know I will send extra prayers and positive energy your way, I can't begin to magine what you have been through, sending big hugs as well.

sandysp said:

Thank you.

It's easy to talk here.

Fondly,

Sandy

I'm sorry for all you've been through--however, I'm so glad you feel like you can come here and let out your feelings.  Hugs to you, my friend.

pializ said:

mp327

Hi Martha, I was thrilled for Laura. She has never run a race before. This year had been really hard for her with other situations before my diagnosis & she landed up being sevrely depressed.  It's wonderful to have her back & stronger. She feels she let me down, as, when I was still going through treatment and for a couple of months or more after, she could barely get out of bed. Thankfully, what was taking her to that place has now largely been resolved (she had started her first job of her new career & her 'mentor' did not have a clue as to what was needed from her). So, maybe my emotions re cancer was on the backburner as I was so proud of het. Then it bit me on the bum! I am hoping I do get to know if I have passed the finish line. Maybe the scan tomorrow will do that. Liz

Laura was also my daughter's name. Laura Brooks Ferguson.  I love them (coincidences). They are nothing else but little miracles. It is wonderful you have her back from the terrible things depression does to us.

These scans mess with our heads. I am so glad mine were moved up to this Saturday from September. It will be good to get them over with. I agree that tears are really good for us. Very te-toxifying.

All the best,

Sandy