Here’s The Deal….Test Results Now In…

Chelsea71 said:

Funeral??? I thought my eyes
Funeral??? I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me when that word popped out at me. I realize these are subjects we all have to consider but I do hope your not consumed by feelings of doom. I really hope that once you digest this recent news that you will feel more positive and motivated to fight. Pepe is not stronger than you. You are just as strong. I can only imagine how horrible chemo was for you based on what you described. Maybe it will be different this time. Some people do breeze through it. Maybe you will have an easier go of it this time around. (assuming that's how you and your onc decide to proceed).

I can't say I am entirely comfortable with this role reversal. I am usually messed up and in need of your wise words. Unfortunately, I don't have your gift. I have no words to make you feel any better. I just know you have it in you. I know you've got all kinds of relatives coming out of the woodwork but I am curious about your wife. Is she coping okay? Hopefully you guys are able to be a comfort to each other.

What you mentioned about your lung symptoms is interesting. Steves surgeon told him, as well, that his liver is his big problem. If nothing changes, liver failure is a very real possibility. He feels no symptoms at all from his liver. It's not enlarged, no nausea, nothing. His lungs, however,
seem to be causing him severe symptoms. Major shortness of breath and
fatigue. He thinks he can feel the tumors. I suspect this may be in his head.
But the fatigue and shortness of breath are not his imagination. Jeez, I
always seem to find a way to turn these posts back to me. Lol.

Try not to get too wallowed down in all this bad news. Take it all as it comes. Try not to focus too far ahead. This is what I tell myself when I start to feel overwhelmed (see.....there I go again. Aren't I selfish!!!). Hang in there. Wish I could help.

Chels

Hey Chels:)

Believe me I know how my news has changed you....I see it and feel it....many others too...it was a shock and I haven't quite found all of my footing yet either. 

I know as a long-termer that you see things through my coping and longevity strategy...and when we see that kind of thing tumble, well, it just shakes us up...period.

When I first got here to the board in '09, I told everybody then that I had removed the "S" off my chest long ago...I'm just a mere mortal:)

Funeral?

Before this latest familial episode, I had told my wife that if I got cancer back to not tell anyone about it....don't tell them I'm doing surgery....and don't tell them if I died....they could just find out or perhaps never even know.  And that I didn't want a funeral.....after dad's rip-off for a basic, I told her do not do it....only 4 'relatives' would probably come for show and then drag race out of there, leaving my wife hanging.

So, I said, if they can't see me when I'm living - they won't see me when I'm dying - or dead. 

Same goes for my two ex-friends, whom I've known for 35-years...

I harbor no ill will, but since everyone got out of my way - I'm just staying out of theirs now...I believed we've talked twice in 2-years. 

My wife is doing pretty well....she's let me express my feelings and concerns and some business stuff this time....without shutting down, or shutting me down.  Telling her the update was hard of course.  It ruined that night, but knew it would. 

Over the weekend, we kept banging away at the wreck that is our life.  Trying to maintenance and get as much done as possible....and this was before the cancer....we were just trying to get back to a starting position:(

I've had small moments, don't know about her on that one.  Most of my feelings come from the imaginary posts that I write to all of you in my head, that never make it to the board.  Things I'm feeling and it feels as if I'm talking with you all.....it gets a little emotional and a couple of quick sniffs and then I'm back....rinse and repeat. 

Interesting about Steve....

I do feel a pang or two in my liver and have for a few weeks....I've been feeling uneasy nausea too....it's reduced my appetite in just the past 3-4 days....I can't even finish a bowl of soup now....taste is sometimes strange...

As for the lungs, things are changing fast and there is something wrong and I know it....can't get anyone to pay any attention to me, though I keep trying.  Still waiting to hear from my lung surgeon...I called him on my own.  But, breathing is becoming more labored....this started about 10 days ago now...and the pain is increasing...I can't even lay down with out pain now...unless I lay completely flat....I've had to resort to a couple of pain pills a night for the last three nights now.

I can 'feel' the tumor too....at least, I can feel where I know it is....I'm trying to be pro-active, but just know they are going to come back and say "Woops!" 

I've written a post with some updates I'm going to send out....increase pain always makes it hard to not feel overwhelmed. When your face is all snarked up in pain that is readily visible with your expression, I'm having a hard time even trying to watch tv right now.

Hurts to stand, hurts to sit, hurts to lay down, hurts to breathe.....etc.

Of course, the plan is still out there a couple of weeks more out....when I can get to the appointments, so I've been trying to stay calm....but the pain always changes me. 

You're sweet and thanks for talking with me...