Here’s The Deal….Test Results Now In…

barbebarb said:

In your corner

Hi Craig-I am so sorry to hear about this liver lesion, yet you have options! and many - so that is good......

I will scan (combined PET and CAT) in August and learned that my tumor load is on the right side but they are still treating the left side because of the way the livers are against the right lobe or near it? and vena cava. I really feel I am at the right place for this treatment and my Int. Radiologist explains everything and takes his time. Didn't have that at N. Western....doesn't make my situation better but having some peace of mind with treatment plan from doctors does help me sleep better at night.

We seem to live our lives in a constant state of Flux – and that’s what makes it so hard to live in the moment – and to try and plan for a future that you can’t see – but genuinely hope for. 

I can totally relate to this statement. I know I am riding the tide with being "stable" but that isn't NED, yet is NED like being stable?, who knows, only the insidious cancer. Being sarcastic here.

Once again, I hate to hear this has happened to you. I agree with Janderson, we need you here and you have certainly helped me with your insight/advice and so so many others. You have a vey special gift. You are in my prayers as all on this site and my other support group I attend monthly.

My oncologist told me he wants me on Xeloda and Avastin, as maintainence, after scans. I just hate the thought of chemo again but know it is inevitable, as long, as I agree. Anyways, this is about special you and not me, but had to share.

Sounds like you have many options and not so harsh as chemo can be for some.

Barb

I'm still watching you closely...and so much pulling for your success!

wolfen said:

Well, My Friend!

Not the best news nor the worst news. Just one more worry to tuck away for another week. It sounds like there are treatment options, though.  Stereotactic is supposed to be very good & precise.

Now, about going to work naked................You finally figured out how to get back at them, didn't you?

Luv Ya,

"Mama"

Agreed...not the best nor the worst...

The guys are being awful - I keep my head up and my poker face on all day long...

Dr. Stanley tells me to "Take It Off" - the anger, not my clothes, LOL!

I'm assured that the Lord will take care of it when the time comes for the both of them....they know what they have done...and what they continue to do...and so does He:)

That's good enough for me...

Love you, Mama.....never forget that!

barbebarb said:

Your perspective

Dear Craig:

I like your way of treating cancer like a business deal but still do not like that you have to deal

with another reoccurance, as part of the negotiation!  The options sound good and hopefully will be easier than previous!

I have my second Sirtex procedure to attack the left side of the liver on 7/2. It really has gone

smoothly but I know all those tests will occur at the beginning of August and who knows for me.

Sending positive vibes and a big hug - we all look up to you and you have helped me so much!

Being a Texan, too, I know you will knock this down, guns loaded, spurs, cutting the deal, whatever it takes-

Barb

 

I didn't know you were a Texan!

Cool!

It has to be approached like a business deal....

In the planning phase, I'm all business....which is how it should be.  You have to keep a cool head and a calm manner, so you can approach it logically, without any emotion. 

Emotions can come afterwards, after the battle cry is sounded - and the swords drawn....

There is always time for that....then.

I will be waiting to hear your reports in July as well.....so much hope that it will be as expected...I think you've really handled things very well. 

Vibes & Hugs received on this one....I'll be returning those to you in a couple of weeks:)  You're going to need them too:)

RickMurtagh said:

wow

wow, Craig, that certainly is not good, news, but there is some good news in there right?  You have options and know them.  You can think through them and come up with a plan that makes sense and has a reasonable chance of being effective.  You have always been fairly knowledgable about what your treatment options were, but think back a few years when you did not seem to have many options, your personal relationships were weighing heavily on you and you could not even afford a needed scan. So here we are with cancer still dogging you, but this time the hurt, pain and anxiety are not such big player in the drama. instead you feel blessed to be here as we are with you.  Now THAT is a change for the better, no matter how you slice it.

glad things are better for you, in many respects.

rick

 

she stood in the storm, & when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails.  elizabeth edwards

On most days, I manage to stay a 1/2 step ahead of the Grim Reaper:)

Yeah, I remember those days you speak of, Rick....that was the beginning of the 3rd recurrence then.  The story of Angel and her kind deed verified trouble and off we went...

I had tried to mend personal relationships (for the umpteenth time) and was trying to include folks back in my life.....now we've come full circle once again....and all of those folks are no longer in my life....family or friends....

Just my new family (nice, nephew & LMS)...

This last cancer and all the stuff with my dad.....nobody wanted to reach out and connect...and it send me the clear signal (finally) that said they were never really there for me at any point in my life....and so they really won't play a role and share in any part of my life - because, they really don't want it.

And I finally get that now...it's just not a real, true relationship(s)....which hurts, but so be it. 

They'll drive out for the day of the surgery....they'll come to the funeral and then split afterwards....but that is just show and I think to a large extend, just justification for their consciences to say that they were there - that they did something.

But, it's always about appearances - and never substance...

I guess what I'm saying, is that the more we think things will change - they largely stay the same - what was...was - and what is...is. 

As far as the upcoming fight...I'm okay with it as I can be...I'm hopeful that it is more of a skirmish this time around:)

Take it easy, man...

steved said:

How quickly the tide turns

You have been at this battle so long your responses now are so acadewise and wise  that I wonder where youremotions are at?  It fclose very close to home what you are describing and similarly foundnix want to knthat've facts and make the decIsions and just get on With it.  I do hear hope in your plans which is great and knowledge will take you a long way.

 My thoughts are wIth you, Just don'tforget this is a huge emotional challenge, not just a physical and academic one. 

Steve

Not sure if you'll come back for this response...I've been thinking about it since you posted it.

Sometimes, without even knowing it, we can set the bar high for ourselves, Steve...and it's all too easy to forget that folks are watching how we comport ourselves in and out of the cancer world.

I think for myself, I try and be business like as possible in my approach.  As you say, I've travelled a good deal of the path over my years in action. 

But, I think it's also more that I don't want to destroy Hope. 

When we see old-time veterans, recur and recur...it sends a signal to the rest of the community and brings some awareness into sharp contrast for others, who are looking at your longevity and success and using that to help themselves stay in the game as they look for long-term examples to give them hope that they can attain similar goals. 

Now, here's a story...

About three years ago, I met many of our members at a shindig when they came to my town.  One night, my friend pulled me to the side and wanted to speak to me about a very poignant topic.  (She'll recognize herself if she reads this:)

But, she had been clear for many years (to the clinical point of being considered clear) and told me that if she got cancer again, that she didn't think she would mention it to the group.

I thought about that one for a few...

And told her I thought that would be a mistake...yes, it might hurt people with the news of a recurrence....and it might put a dent in folks spirits, when they see someone who had gone for a spell and then recurred....

But, we're telling the story of Cancer here...the true story of Cancer....and with that, comes some responsibilities to tell the truth...because, we have to learn...and we always learn through other's real life examples, don't we?

BTW, she never recurred....and is still doing good:)

That's part of what I'm saying, at first when I hinted that something might be up, I felt some of the air leave the room....it gets folks thinking about their own situations.....when they see longevity falter, it sends a wake-up call to others. 

I felt like I had done a disservice to the community....because I know people are watching...

I watched you....and I watch Phil....

Your story took some of the hope out of me there for awhile, but I was glad that you posted it....I saw 7-year clear go away and I've witnessed what you've gone through. 

But, it's the story of Cancer....and your story (among many) has made an impression on me....for many reasons....

I think I handle things much like you, Steve....we both seem to approach it from a business standpoint.  And I suppose, at this stage, that's the best way to handle it.  To disassociate any undue emotions for a later time...

And folks are looking for folks not to get rattled...they want to see the way that the old vets handle continuing adversity in their struggles...

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie, The Alamo, circa 2004...

Billy Bob Thornton is playing the role of Davy Crockett, famous Tennessee frontiersman, who joined the Texans and died in the fight in defense of the mission.  He had a reputation as a crack shot marksman.

He whimsically reminisced (just before a big fight) that he wishes he could just be a regular kind of a guy and not have to live up to the reputation he had created. 

And then he said, "This Davy Crocket fellar'....they're watching him..."   (It was a very poignant cinematic line).

And sort of like the movie, this Sundance fellar...they're watching him too...only I forget that sometimes....

I'm okay, Steve....I think because, I'm not envisioning as hard a fight as I've had to fight previously (hopefully).  A nice short skirmish, instead of a full frontal assault would be good for me at this stage of my battle. 

That's probably contributing to my calm demeanor.....and I almost wanted to immediately crumble on hearing that cancer may be back, because I'm just tired of dealing with every nuance that it brings with it. 

There's probably a part of me that is numb....and while I cognizantly acknowledge it....I haven't fully accepted that it's truly there....because I don't have the test results back to confirm that. That may have something to do with it. 

And of course, I've just been at this awhile....and understand the patterns of how cancer lives and operates...I thought a fourth recurrence would be devastating....but it will depend on how much we have to fight....and what we fight with.

You know that the Human Experience is at the heart of my practice:)

Thanks for checking in.....I didn't want you to think I was leaving you out....you just made me think about things with your observation. 

Still wishing you all the best...and my thoughts have drifted towards you on more than one occasion:)

-Craig

annalexandria said:

I like "NMA4".

If something pops up in my next scan, it will be number 5 for me.  Hmmm...maybe "Still Alive After Five"?  That's kind of catchy.

I know what you mean about wasting your time in remission.  I spent much of my time over the last year and a half taking care of my mom, and although I didn't begrudge her that care in any way, there is still a selfish part of me that is all "Damn!  How come I can't get some time to just relax?  Do I have to deal with crap right up to the bitter end?".  Oh well.  Maybe that is kind of how life is.  It's not crap.  It's just...life.  There's always something going on.  

Do you have that scan scheduled yet?  Lotta nail-biting going on here, waiting to here what's up.

I did my PET/CT yesterday.....

Waiting with you all....not even the early report has come in....

herdizziness said:

Okay Buddy

I read your news when you posted it and I did the most natural thing for me...I stuck my head right into the sand And stayed there for awhile.  I figured if I stayed there long enough that when I stuck my head back up I would see that it was a dream.  Well, your post is still there.

I cried, I did not want you to be in the battle again, I wanted you up and out somewhere nice and safe watching us in the battlefield shouting words of encouragement and urging us on fighting with our bouts of cancer, and here you are down in our mist still shouting the words of encouragement while battling your own once again.

Craig, you will make it through this, again, I know it sucks, I hate this, but you will do well, heck we're standing shoulder to shoulder how could you not? You've always been there for me, I shall always be here for you.

Winter Marie

It didn't really dawn on me until after the fact....that I had hurt several people with this news. 

Still don't have a confirm yet.....PET/CT was done yesterday as the next tests....pending news.

But, I finally thought that after 2 years that I might have a chance of not recurring anymore.....

See, that's the thing dear Winter....years 0-2 for clear scans are nice....but that's the hardest time to wait for the the 're-occurence.'

Two years got me just gullible enough to start 'believing' again.....to finally get over that mental hurdle to where I could finally start making some plans - just like you guys all do.

My niece and nephew are set to be married in August 2014...I'd like to check it out....as close to a son as I'll ever have.....and my niece has 'Chicky' potential that I've grown quite fond of - and we've bonded in a very short time....she reads me...and I read her....we can speak volumes through our eyes...instinctively she knows what I'm saying...and I likewise, I get the messages she imparts through her eyes.....and it's wonderful to have that kind of an adult relationship...and just wish they weren't all the way across the country.

And LMS's half sister won a Make-A-Wish this year....she has several challenges in her young life and the prognosis for long-term is not all that promising.....and she was selected this year....and wants to go to Disneyworld. 

We thought it would be nice if we could meet them for a few days there and have our first family-type vacation.....great chance to be with LMS, who is now 4....over a year since I"ve seen her last...and she's growing so big now.  I'd like to see Mickey and Cinderella through her eyes.   

That might happen as early as November, but they are still working on the date.....so we were planning on how we could work out the logistics to possibly join them there.

So, getting to the second year and then getting over that speed bump was something I thought I'd never get to.....and then you get there....and find how it easy it is to tumble down the hill once more...

I had hoped to join so many who are getting 3-4-5 years out...

Now, here is a very poignant statement from you....shows how well you do know me:)

"I cried, I did not want you to be in the battle again, I wanted you up and out somewhere nice and safe watching us in the battlefield shouting words of encouragement and urging us on fighting with our bouts of cancer..."

That's how I wanted to redefine my role too...

I just want to be able to walk away from the fight part of the battle....and then use that energy doing the things that I need to be doing in the cancer world. 

I really didn't realize until after the fact, that I had let all of the air out of the room with that news.....just wish I had waited, but it was more stunning.

My thoughts were really why did I spoil the good news about the article publishing.....you don't get published everyday....and I was so lucky....without Jen's link, this would not even have been a story. 

And so, the publishing was for everyone here, who has supported my writing in any fashion....I finally got to deliver some news and before we got to savor it....

And that's still at the heart of my disconcertation...good news like that just shouldn't be dashed like that.  That's what hurt me most of all.....not the cancer. 

We'll see if there is something to worry about when I get my report in. 

I was so set to know.....but then a few days go by....you do the new test....and now part of you wants to know....and the other part sort of doesn't?

You know me....never bury my head in the sand.....

But, honey, is there any room in the sand next to you?

LOL!

We'll be okay....I probably won't even had to double up my fists this time:)

Love/Craig