really!!!!! hubby says I am always angry

Tell him if he would stop
Tell him if he would stop doing/saying stupid things you wouldn't be so pissed at him all the time.

I don't know Mags - I only "see" you on here, but you don't seem angry to me. You seem pretty laid back and caring.

Chelsea71 said:

Hi Mags. I've been thinking
Hi Mags. I've been thinking about you. I've noticed that you've been quiet lately. Perhaps all that anger has been distracting you. Lol. I'm sure dealing with stage four, for all these years has changed you. It is a very stressful way to live. To me, you come across as being very happy, calm and sensible. You seem like a wonderful person. Some people here, in this group, do strike me as being angry. I myself sound angry in many of my posts. I have never picked up on any anger at all from you. At the same time, I suspect your DH is a pretty bright guy. Maybe he has a valid point? I think this wretched disease has hardened us all to some extent.

Mags

 

Could it be your husband is angry that you got cancer...and it changed his life?  Yes, we are different people; sometimes for the better!  None of us asked for cancer and certainly hate the pain it caused our families. Hope you can work this out.  It is impossible to go through cancer and all that it brings with it unscathed. 

We think you are just wonderful!!!!

Hugs,

Cathleen Mary

maglets said:

thank you

ahhhh thanks guys......you are all so wise and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  a lot a sh-t gets said on this forum but I am always amazed at how thoughtful and helpful and wise so many responses are.

 

I took half an ativan last nite.....first one for a very long time....so i had a good sleep but I am still thinking about all this.  I am going to run a new theory past you today....when I started into the heavy cancer treatment my hubby decided to retire.  I have always run the house and done the child care.....is it possible when hubby is around 24/7 there are some asjustments to be made? Another stressor for me is fear of falling through the financial cracks....our pensions are small....just barely carry us through the month....

Cathleen Mary maybe he is angry.....mayb this is not the way he saw his retirement with a wounded old gal

thanks so much, maggie

g'day Mags
I live alone because my wife couldn't handle my illness ,then she couldn't handle my survival and constant ongoing illness. It doesn't mean she doesn't love me or like me ,she does. She just can't handle the way I live my life. I don't think much of it either but it's the only way I get thru. I saw my kidney specialist yesterday. He wanted to put me in hospital for a week or so just to de-stress me. People see me as angry and lots of other things ,lonely , depressed ect . I'm not I'm just tired. I've been left to live in a body that's been wrecked by cancer and the drugs used to treat it and subsequent problems. I have congestive heart failure, pulmonary oedema ,my heart skips every second or third beat ,I can't feel my legs from the knees down or my left hand , I have severe psoriatic arthritis, my kidneys are leaking protein like a sieve. I have type two diabetes ,I have chronic diahorreah after losing my gall bladder , something to do with intolerance to bile salts and acids and ninety percent of medications have an adverse effect on me. Surviving survival ain't easy. Our partners think that our illness is tough on them. IT IS. BUT it is tough on us. People think it is marvellous that I have survived for over 15 years, these days most people don't get that for murder. I don't know how to de-sensitise anyone who has had cancer. Unless it has barely touched you and you have survived with just surgery there is not much chance of dodging the collateral damage. My wife did not want to talk about any of it. That is the only way you are going to fix things. Lay all of your feelings on the table ,the both of you, and deal with the problems one by one. You won't agree on a lot of things but you can reach a compromise on most. Above all be kind to yourself and each other. Hugs Mags from what remains of the wild colonial boy.

I'd answer...

...but I'm afraid you'll take my head off!  I know that often people seem one way online and another way in "real life" but you've never struck me as being angry at all. Maybe there are other issues going on for your husband that may or may not have anything to do with you Mags.
You should kick him in the nuts! (joke)

I do know that cancer changed me but anger isn't something that's grown for me, if anything it's lessened.

Lovekitties said:

Dear Maggie

You have brought up a couple of significant issues which are probably contributing to the anger issue.

Many have found, even without the cancer card, that retirement changes the personal dynamics for a couple.  The person who retired may be at loose ends not knowing what to do with all that free time.  The person who retired may feel that they need all their partner's attention.  The person who retired can also go thru a depression, questioning their worth, feeling their best years are behind them.

Financial worry is somethng most all of us face with this disease.  Most of us didn't plan on spending our savings and going in debt to try to save our life.  We have had to cancel lots of dreams for the future.  We have to watch every penny and rethink every expense.

All of this is a terrible adjustment, but we can't change the past, we can only try to deal with today as it is.

I really hope that the two of you can discuss all this and find the place where you can both be happy.  Communication will not change the facts, but can help with understanding.  And being understood is the thing we need most other than a cure.

Hugs and love,

Marie who loves kitties

Maggie May - The Other Prevailing Theory....

"Is it possible when hubby is around 24/7 there are some asjustments to be made?"

The truth of the matter is that Man and Woman were not meant to spend every moment of every day with one another...

Familiarity can breed contempt....

At least, that's been my experience, LOL!

PhillieG said:

I'd answer...

...but I'm afraid you'll take my head off!  I know that often people seem one way online and another way in "real life" but you've never struck me as being angry at all. Maybe there are other issues going on for your husband that may or may not have anything to do with you Mags.
You should kick him in the nuts! (joke)

I do know that cancer changed me but anger isn't something that's grown for me, if anything it's lessened.

I have to agree with Phil.

I have to agree with Phil.

Sundanceh said:

Maggie May Part Deux...

Arent' we all really 'angry' underneath all the layers? 

Cancer changes us from the inside out...WE change, but the world (and our partners) don't always change with us...and inevitably, everyone wants you to slide back to the way things used to be...but how can that be, when we've been changed or transformed.

It could be anything that drives a wedge into a relationship.....cancer...the loss of income....the death of a child...

Life changes, especially with the cancer fight.....some of us grow....some of us do not....and when the Great Divide gets big enough, it can swallow you whole - no shaking, no tenderizing, just down it can go.

 I know that we all want things to return to normal in our relationships....and with a lot of fortune and hard work, certain aspects might return.  I despise the term 'New Normal'....somehow, it sounds so condescending and lacksadaiscal with its terminology.

As with anything we encounter - once confronted - we can never truly go back...and I think to a large degree, that we really don't want to...

Part of me longs for the naivete - and the other part of me is glad for the changes that occurred inside of me. 

Our spouses want to forget it...and part of us wants to shelf a part of it...and over time, I think we do compartmentalize some aspects of it....but, do we ever truly break free from the reigns that steer us?

Your post is poignant in the fact that my wife walked in on me last night when she got into work.  I had Dr. Stanley on again and the message was on Healing From Damaged Emotions....and Anger was the hot topic of the service.

And my wife jumped right in....see there!  She said, you're angry. 

And there are two different kinds of anger.....I'll have to finish up the tape before I could go on.....

But, the first part of it was 'justifiable anger.' 

Like if you were hurt or somebody hurt the one you loved or cared about....their would be an appropriate part of anger that would be deemed reasonable.

The other half he's going to tell me about is Anger that festers into bitterness...at least, I think that's going to be the slant. 

But, truthfully, dear Mags....

 "If we can't get angry with our significant others, where the hell else are you gonna'?"

 The true victory comes from knowing where the source of the anger is - and who are you really directing it to? 

 Alot of times, I think we are just angry with ourselves - and we project that anger outwards in an effort to rationalize and justify how we are feeling....

 And I think that is the crux of the matter......we just want to be heard.

 Love you, honey-pie:)

Mags, I Could Write The Book On Anger!

I was going to keep my mouth shut, but you know how hard that is for me.

First, the Mags I know & love does not have an angry personality.

The man I lived with and loved for so many years was angry 24/7. I was not the only who recognized it. He seemed to be angry at everyone & everything. In his case, cancer was not the catalyst. It began in 2000 when he had part of a foot removed and later found out that it had been unnecessary. This event changed his lifestyle & he could no longer do many outdoor things that he loved. That, combined with his diabetes and heart problems just ate away at him. And then along came cancer. He completely lost his independence and his sense of being. He could no longer even drive. So many things he could no longer do. Getting older bothered him a lot & he began to think he was just on this planet taking up space & breathing air that could be used by someone else. Only near the end, did he ever admit that he was afraid.

I agree with Craig that "familiarity breeds contempt". I'll always remember the statement that someone made to us about whether or not we could stand being around each other all the time after I retired. At the time, I thought it was an odd thing to say. I simply responded "Of course, we like each other." And we did, most of the time, but there was no real breathing space between us & that grates on your nerves, like it or not.

I spent a lot of years "walking on eggs" as I never knew what would set him off. I did love him, & still do, & I know he loved me, but there were times we were like "fire & ice".

Just try to talk it out. We all have fears. Maybe your fear comes across as anger to him without your knowledge. It is simply your defense mechanism and he is reading it wrong. And don't worry, I've said this a million times. The ones who say they have the perfect marriage are full of BS. There is no perfect marriage.

Luv Ya,

Wolfen

think mine feels the same way

He hasn't said it yet but I think he thinks it alot.  Unfortunately, I feel the anger or maybe lack of patience.  I used to have lots of patience, now, not so much!   Today is perfect example, really cranky today...  Cancer changed me, physically and I know it changed me emotionally.  I have a scan coming up next month, my CEA moved up a hair and I do mean a hair, everything makes me worry, I'm really tired of worrying and I'm still a newbie. 

I never see anger from you, you are an inspiration.  I invision you sipping tea and reading books, and being a joy to sit and chat with...I imagine you have many wonderful stories to share. 

This rambling probably makes no sense but even though my battle has been short, I think I know how you feel.

Luckygirl2 said:

think mine feels the same way

He hasn't said it yet but I think he thinks it alot.  Unfortunately, I feel the anger or maybe lack of patience.  I used to have lots of patience, now, not so much!   Today is perfect example, really cranky today...  Cancer changed me, physically and I know it changed me emotionally.  I have a scan coming up next month, my CEA moved up a hair and I do mean a hair, everything makes me worry, I'm really tired of worrying and I'm still a newbie. 

I never see anger from you, you are an inspiration.  I invision you sipping tea and reading books, and being a joy to sit and chat with...I imagine you have many wonderful stories to share. 

This rambling probably makes no sense but even though my battle has been short, I think I know how you feel.

Perfect description....I can
Perfect description....I can imagine a cup of tea and chatting with Maggie...at her little cottage.

Ive been thinking about this all day.

It makes me really sad how this terrible disease destroys so many lives in so many ways. Just unfair

Maggie,  I have no words of

Maggie,  I have no words of wisdom...only that it is always a joy to "see you" and to read your posts and comments.   With that, I wonder if your hubby is perceiving anger where it simply doesn't exist.   And I believe that all of our life experiences shape and change us, including our experience with cancer and treatment.  I think that we have an understanding and empathy that is common among us here.  Anger?   Maybe.  Maybe not.

What's wrong with anger anyway?

Back to reality and perceptions, which may be different than each other, there were times when my Boyfriend misunderstood my expressions and body language,  assuming inaccurately how I was thinking or feeling.  Of course, I would clarify things for him.  And there were lessons for me there.

~Aud