Cindysuetoyou

cindysuetoyou said:

hello

I just saw this post. I haven't been on CSN very much lately. I'm sorry that I haven't responded sooner.

How are you doing? I'm okay. I have okay days and really bad days. Mother's Day itself was okay but the week leading up to it was bad. I was so freaked out and dreading Mother's Day so much  that I cried every day for the week before it, and I think I was worn out by the actual day. 

Right now I am not doign good becaue I have to decide on a grave marker. I have an appointment to order one on Thursday. I know what I want but I've put it off because I hate and dread how it makes me feel, to try to choose the words etc for a gravestone for MY SON. So wrong that a mother has to do this for her son. I seem to be getting angry now and I never really felt much anger before...I felt sorrow and intense grief more than anything else. I guess anger is one of the steps I have to go thru in the grieving process. I don't even know who I am mad at. I'm not mad at God...I'm just mad at the circumstances, I guess. Mad and so very deeply disappointed that I will live out the rest of my life without my son David. I'll never get over it. Hopefully I will learn how to tolerate it and how to deal with it. I don't feel like I am anywhere near knowing how to deal.

I hope that you are doing well and that things are going good for you and all of your loved ones. Thank you so much for thinking about me.

Love and blessings, 

Cindy

I'm glad your Mother's Day went well. By now I am sure you have the grave marker, and I hope it wasn't too hard on you. I am sure feeling angry is a natural reaction. God knows your heart. He knows what you can take, so keep on standing on His word and He will see you through.

My husband is doing ok. He has an appointment next week. We are almost at his 3 year mark and I am happy and scared at the same time. We had a wonderful Father's Day today. I am so thankful for every day we have together. I try not to take anything for granted anymore. maybe join a support group? That way you will have people that can relate and help you heal. God Bless and thanks for responding to my post.

cindysuetoyou said:

hello

Just checking on csn. Haven't been here in a while. 

I still don't have that marker. It's all done except I have to select a picture of David to put on it, and I just can't decide. It's so hard to look at the pictures. It doesn't seem real. I always end up crying so hard and not being able to make a choice.

I have bad days, and I have not as bad days. I guess that's an improvement. I plan on going to a support group for people who have lost a child. I believe it's called Compassionate Friends.

I have been riding my horse a lot lately. I found a new area that is very remote and has rugged, challenging terrain. I take my camper, my horse, and my two dogs, and I camp out for four days. I ride out from my camping spot and I'm out in the woods for 10-12 hours each day. My poor horse...he sure is in great condition, though. It's the only time I really feel any peace.

I'm so glad to hear that your husband is doing ok. How did his scan go? I will pray for him and for you too. Please let me know how he is doing....I'm going to try to come on this site a little more often.

Love and blessings,

Cindy

Good to hear from you! I am glad you are a bit better. Just do as you are doing, baby steps, it takes time I am sure. I can't imagine the hurt you are feeling ever going away, it probably just becomes more tolerable as time passes.

My husband had gamma knife knife a few weeks ago and is now back on Temodar. They said it was a small area but have to treat it with chemo To make sure notthing else is there. He is doing ok. He's very tired and a few memory issues.

Please continue to pray for us and we will pray for you guys! Keep in touch, there aren't many on here anymore that I am familiar witih so I just don't post anymore.