Not the Day or the Way I Wanted to Mark 9-Years:(

annalexandria said:

Ah $HIT!

Pardon my French, but wow, I am so upset by this.  Haven't been on the forum for a couple of days.  Left on a high note with your good news, and come back to read all of this.  I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Craig.  Based on how I'm feeling, as your virtual pal, you must be reeling.  There are so many wise words from others here, I guess all I can say is that I know you will face whatever is coming down the road with your usual courage and grace.

I remember back when I got to NED, and you wrote a post warning me that NED often wasn't forever, and then deleted it, I suppose because you didn't want to be a downer...but I had already read that post, and thought what an important message you had been brave enough to put out there, and wished you had left it up.  Your words have helped so many on here, Craig.  I just hope we can help you in return if new challenges are coming your way.

Lots o' love from your librarian friend.  AA

I'm sorry you had to read this....

I pumped everybody up so high with the good news....I actually felt pretty good for a change and wasn't letting any of my detractors drag me down to their level.

And then one phone call....

That's all it can take....that's how fragile our ecosystems are:(

I remember the post that you mentioned....I had deleted it before I thought you would see it.....I care about you very much and upon reflection, I just did not want to burst your bubble - thought it was wrong. 

But, you saw it:)  And I thank you now for your thoughts on that...I was trying to protect you and didn't want my words to hurt you, so I retracted.  I'm glad that you see now what I was talking about. 

I mean getting cancer once - okay....getting it again with recurence - it's to be expected....getting it 3x begins an emotional and psychological shift....and the thought of #4 - well, how many of us get to that point?

It would be easy to say at least you're alive to see a #4 if confirmed, wouldn't it?  But, would it? There is a psychological toll that is every bit as challenging as the physical fight.

When you combine that feeling with the other feeling about the multitudes that have been with us - and then no longer are.....

I think it says....."This is It."  Another words, it looks like this is all that would ever be....if I were fortunate...and that sort of truth seems to weigh heavily on your soul.  You begin to see that the finish line keeps moving further and further out of your sight.....

I always look forward to seeing you!  You always have something good to tell me. I'd miss not seeing you on these posts...I'm always looking to see where my Annie is:) 

You're living LaVida Loca, of course:)

Have a great time at the graduation tonight!

AnnLouise said:

Craig....

I am rather new to the community so I don't have a long history with you but you have already made a difference in my life. I hope this next week has some positive outcomes. Your posts are both informational and personal, explaining your knowledge through your experiences. Thank you for what you have given us and we are here to give back to you...I will be thinking of you this week. ~ Ann

Your words touch my heart...

There was a time not too long ago, where I'd figured my time here had come to an end here.  I had one foot out the door, but then were a few people like yourself in the new group that I was enjoying talking to and trying to help some. 

I had alot of personal struggles coming out of my last cancer fight....we ran head first into a buzz saw with my dad's passing and the subsequent mess that involved managing and liquidating estates and unloading over 82 years worth of a hoarder's mentality.

I think what I'm most upset about right now....and Kim and I talked about this last night...

Is the fact, that Dad's (long story but in archives) affairs and the secret life he was hiding from me.....ate up 15 precious months out of the 24 that I got....we lost the whole year, everyday - weekends and holidays included.

I rationalized it by telling myself that at least I was 'well' to be able to engage in such a project, as the year prior I would have been unable.  So, the timing was good and bad.

It just seems that just about when it's time to be my time - it's something else - another seemingly immovable object to have to overcome. 

I'm glad I've been a part of your life and have been able to help you somewhat...I've talked to many people and I know sincerity, true sincerity, when I come across it.  I guess it comes from the way I talk to folks - and how I can make them comfortable enough to share. 

In alot of ways, that's all that I ever want...

Thank you so much for your kind words and generous support!

-Craig

Goldie1 said:

Dear Craig...

every post said it all, so, I'm just gonna say that I am thinking about you and sending some good thoughts.

Ellen

PS...we adopted a nine year old golden retriever in April.  He's a great old guy and it's nice to hear the pitter-patter of giant golden paws in the house again!

I was just about to leave:)

Ellen, I wondered about the golden looking seat cushion I saw in your pic recently:)

You know Harley is 3 1/2 now:)  What a ride it has been for him.....he was like this out of control Marley (like in the movie) when he was younger.....I was so sick during the first year or so, he didn't even know who I was...I had no alpha in me then.

He's growing up and very empathetic - and very protective of either of us.  He can't stand dogs or people fighting.....he runs right up and breaks up the fight, LOL!

He's like Marshall Dillon:)

Seeing your picture of both dogs has got me thinking about Harley's mental health...I think it would be good stimulation and companionship to have some kind of other dog for him.  He's energetic and bright, but he's inside now due to the heat of Texas and it just warehouses him.

We've been outside at nights on the weekend (camping in our backyard) and he really opens up when we do that.  He patrols the fence lines and loves to chase and bark at dogs and folks who walk by.....he stakes out positions and watches for him.....and when he sees them, he takes off....and I mean he is faster than a speeding bullet.....

We should have called him Flash:)

Anyway, thank you for your sentiments....the community has done a wonderful job with this post and outpouring of sentiment is truly gratifying. 

I'm laughing when I think of the 'pitter-patter' you mentioned......we get it....all golden owners do....big paws indeed!

k44454445 said:

Craig

i am so sorry to read your current update. Hey you are still here after 9 years so kick butt & post in 9 years from now!!!

prayers

judy

I can't count that high, LOL!

Let's try for just ONE:)  I always wanted to make it 10-years with cancer....it's a nice round number:)

Thanks, Judy!

Lorikat said:

Ok Craig..

I'm still absorbing the info in your post...with sad eyes and heart.  I so want to "mother" you and say that everything will be ok....  Of course we have grown up lately knowing there are no words that really sooth or heal.  But I WILL say that I have great faith that if anyone can climb "one more hill" It is you.  I do not know your faith BUT I DO know mine so will be sending prayers for you out  into the universe...

i love the Lion...  I am Leo born on the cusp of Cancer and Leo...   God Bless

I wanted to circle back around and catch up to the earlier posts:)

Wanna' know something ironic?

I'm a Cancer born on the  cusp of Leo (July 21st)!!!

No wonder Chicky named me The Lion, LOL! 

I didn't get alot of 'mothering' when I grew up....mine was just not capable of such an act...manic depressive with overly-expressed narcisisstic tendencies....she never really acknowledged that I had cancer...and never came to see me when I was in the hospital during surgeries.....she didn't come to our wedding either....and on and on...

So, I count on all of my honey mamas out there to be an even better substitute.....hugs were in short abundance where I grew up, so they are always welcome with me:)

Once I get my mitts wrapped around you - well, you'll be a changed woman, LOL! 

Nobody has asked me for a refund:)

Thank you, Lori for visiting with me:)

-Craig

Dyanclark said:

Lifetime

My husband is in a remission for about 3 months and Dr. feels it will last at least 2 years, his original cancer was stage 2 in 2008.  It just becomes a lifetime battle and then in some cases it just stays away.  We have a neighbor who had colon cancer, then liver resection.  He has been in the game for 25 years but has done so very well last occurrence was 8 years ago.   Can only say dont get to depressed and get ready to fight and add another 9+ years to your life.

HUGS George & Dyan

Congrats to your husband! 

Cancer reminds me of the game...."Red Light - Green Light"

Do you remember that one from the old days and the old ways?

Green Light = we drive as fast and as far as we can.........then Cancer yells Red Light....and things come grinding to a complete halt.

I'm working through the process....it's been hard to wait for the upcoming tests....I'm just really ready to get on with it and see what this is about. 

I don't think we've gotten the opportunity to talk with you too much, but I have read your posts and am glad for the positive response that you are both experiencing!

So, officially....Howdy!

-Craig

tanstaafl said:

CC and celebr...

Now, do I know how to celebrate or not?    

...with CC?   When you were younger, "Canadian Club"?  More recently that "other" board.  For us, cimetidine and celebrex(recently). Perhaps some curative cutting.

Deep breaths, perhaps its a slower moving solitary site and CEA that can still be stuffed back in the bottle with something more polite.    "Better living through [improvised] chemistry".  Molecular changes may suggest molecular answers are also needed.

Canadian Club, LOL?!

I like the definition of that CC rather than mCRC:)

Yes, perhaps this is something that won't be as intense as the other fights I've been in.  I'm to the point, where I need to selectively fight my battles.....and less toxic chemicals and/or a surgical procedure would be the best weapons I could have.

I'm staying glued in by thinking that way......

I'm wondering where the potential involvement lies......is it back in my liver after 5-years?  That's where the 'shadowy' area of post-collateral damage that we concurred on was in the last scan. 

Is there a tumor hidden beneath the brush?

Or is it back in my lung?  I've been having some kind of a feeling along with occasional sharp spasming pains in my left lung the past few months. 

Hopefully, between the MRIs of Abdomen/Pelvis and CT of chest....we'll get a better idea.  It always helps when you can physically identify your adversary...takes the mystery out of it....which would be a good thing to help me get focused on what's next.

Thanks Tans!