I have to ask . . .

I think it's perfectly normal. I went through several phases of up and down. Eventually, we decide to live again and it it is mostly "up"

I got through it by basically telling everyone that would listen that I had cancer. My close friends and family listened, and I was able to get some of the pent up emotion out. I cried, I laughed, and I love to make jokes about it/myself.

Yep.  Completely normal.

actually the pink cloud you mentioned is normal.  So is the eventual collapse because you pushed

so hard to get back to normal.

for me,  the mid afternoon fatigue was so very annoying because I had better things to do than take a nap.  

it was only after my first 6 month scans came back clean, that I realized death wasn't imminent (at least not on that day-  there will eventually come a day...I'm fairly certain... Just not that day)  and from that moment on I had greater perspective On life.

for me it took 6 months.  for others 6 weeks.  Some never Gain perspective And the cancer will rule them.  You will have to walk through these down periods.   doesnt matter if your primary was 2cm, 7cm or 12 cm...... know that many, if not all have been where you are today.

thanks for being real with your feelings.  With another scan in 3 weeks,  it's helped me gather further perspective and gratitude.

email if you need additional support.  in the near term,  get outside for a walk.  Eat a double scoop of ice cream.  

peace

Astros2013

Its the most natural reaction of all Michael. And you should expect that you will have dips of depression-like moods from time to time for a while. Thats based not only on my own experience, but also on a lot of people I have met in support groups which to a varying degree has experienced this.

When first diagnosed with cancer most people go through shock, fear, contemplation about the future and preparing for the treatment. That phase is for RCC patients which are intendedly curable with nephrectomy a very compressed period of time. 

"You have cancer. It hasnt spread. Were removing your kidney two weeks from now. Snip snap. You can go home now. All done. Youre well and cured. Bye bye and see you in 6 or 12 months for a check-up".

"Wham bam thank you Mam. Was that it? Im done now?".........

What I am trying to say is, that for a lot of us the physical and mental healing and recovery doesnt go hand in hand. And in your case, like for most of us, the transition from shock and having a cancerous tumor inside you to being a ex-cancer patient is very rapid and sometimes overwhelming (Nano is going to come after me for the ex-denomination but what the hell).

I dont know your mental framework and you as a private person, but my advice would be to think a little about this contradiction of being healthy in body but not yet in mind. Come to terms with the fact that mentally theres still some bumps to overcome, simply accept those bumps as they come along, and have faith in the fact that as time passes they will be further and further apart.

Just my five cents.

/G

Ps. Theres some time to your control, but dont be surprised if scanxiety hits you hard especially the first time or two (I was more stressed and scared at my first follow-up than I was when I got my initial diagnosis).

MDCinSC said:

Great Comments all!

You've let me know that I don't need counseling (well,not for this anyway) and this is a normal part of the process. 

I love the "Pink Cloud," description because the euphoria of getting things over and the non-realization of everything I feared really kept me up and going. Compared to what I expected, it was so simple, and I don't feel significantly different than I did before.

The depression surprised me!  I suspect it is the realization finally dawning on me that I can't DO or participate, at least for a while, in the kind of life I lived before. My family is very protective, aggressively, almost to a fault, in not letting me do anything containing any risk and/or my dietary choices.  My wife is also a PhD and our grand daughter is an 18 year old Nursing Student.  There is no shortage of hubris in this family. 

Thanks for listening, ALL of you!

What a GREAT Group of People to be forced to join!  LOL

Te Amo amigos!

Michael

I am 4 1/2 weeks post-op and I am feeling the same depression, so I'm so glad that you asked about it!

I think some of mine also has to do with members of my family feeling that I should be doing everything that I used to do...that I have had a month to heal and time to get going.  I try to tell them that it will take awhile, and I get the "eye rolling" from them, like I am trying to milk it for all i's worth.  I have tried to do some things that I knew I probably shouldn't just to please them, but I don't want any setbacks at this point.

At any rate, enough whining, and once again Michael, I'm glad that you asked these kind and knowledgeable folks.

CR

MDCinSC said:

Great Comments all!

You've let me know that I don't need counseling (well,not for this anyway) and this is a normal part of the process. 

I love the "Pink Cloud," description because the euphoria of getting things over and the non-realization of everything I feared really kept me up and going. Compared to what I expected, it was so simple, and I don't feel significantly different than I did before.

The depression surprised me!  I suspect it is the realization finally dawning on me that I can't DO or participate, at least for a while, in the kind of life I lived before. My family is very protective, aggressively, almost to a fault, in not letting me do anything containing any risk and/or my dietary choices.  My wife is also a PhD and our grand daughter is an 18 year old Nursing Student.  There is no shortage of hubris in this family. 

Thanks for listening, ALL of you!

What a GREAT Group of People to be forced to join!  LOL

Te Amo amigos!

Michael

I typed about three different messages this morning trying to say the right things..didn't post a single one of them, they all sounded a bit cheesy.

In reading all of your posts, I never picked up on the fact that you were so close to surgery. Your ability to share the experience with the newbies and be such good support to all made me thing you were a savy veteran of this crazy stuff. I am only 9 months out and still have bad days and moments. It is scary stuff and there is no way around it.

My wife has also become fanatical about my diet, so I feel some of your pain there. She got to a point where she took Doritos out of the kids lunches because they had too many preservatives. They are gone this week to Pittsburgh to see family and Cedar Point on Friday... Just a tip - if you pay cash for the Ckick fil A milkshake, she can't track down your bad habits. Once you start driving again, your secretstops will be safe with us. I like kale smoothies as much as the next guy, but every now and then you gotta live. It is a marathon, the tough part of it is figuring our how fast you need to run.

Know that you are not alone on those bad days.

Keep your chin up

I had the same exact issue last week. Before I was having ups and downs - and the downs were short lived and sporadic - but last week I had a few days where I just wanted to sit...and be alone... and I wasn't happy. This week Im fine! I know my situation is different,mine wasn't cancer so I dont have that hanging over me, but I think the surgery alone can take so much out of a person... I only even bring it up because my surgery was one week before yours and it is quite coincidental.

-MeMe

Edit:

I wanted to add that one of the things that helps me whenever I get into a funk that I cant shake is to go to my favorite place in the world - my "Happy Place" if you will. This is where I went for a week 2 wks postop  -  http://thelaundryhamper.blogspot.com/2010/05/my-favorite-place-on-earth.html (this is a link to a blog that I had for a while then kinda stopped doing - but thats a long story for another day)

I am lucky that my happy place exists and I can go there and stay as long as I'd like whenever I like (kinda) But Everyone should have a "Happy Place" even if its just a coffee shop or park or bookstore... The point is, when you know you're in that "funk" it helps to go...even if you have to force yourself to do it - which I do sometimes but I am always glad I went!! 

The one-year anniversary of my radical nephrectomy was 3/28/12.  9cm, stage 3, grade 4.  I went through much anguish and although I was physically able to get up and do things, I was completely mentally disabled.

 I have always been a giver and wasnt used to needing help, and pretty much refused to ask.  I did not return to work until 10/15/12.  I had to see a therapist and get on anti-depressants and anxiety pills, along with sleeping pills.  The only thing I take daily is the anti-depressant, because I feel so much better on them.   I take sleeping pills when I have those wide-**** awake sleepless nrights and take Zanax before my scans.  At the end of May, I went for final scans for the study I was in and the spot on my left remaining adrenal gland is growing.  Next scan in August.   I figure I might as well be happy on my anti-,depressants, before I turn into a 300-lb raging wench on steroids when my other adrenal gland is removed;)

trying to be funny, but truthful.   I am optimistic - this just sucks.  I just turned 50 years young, and have 3 beautiful daughters.

"Life's just not fair!", as my middle daughter would tell my husband and I when she busted us, eating ice cream after her bed time when she was about 3 yrs old!!!!

This site is so helpful amd necessary!  I don't post often, but read daily and I wish everyone only the beat!

Lorraine in Houston

NanoSecond said:

Just to clarify

Galrim. Come after you? Perish the thought.  I enjoy your posts and usually agree with all your advice. 

As you known my beef is with the misleading expression "you are now cancer-free" being pronounced after successful surgery and where there are no other visible signs of cancer spread.

I hate to be the messenger but this is just not true.  Everyone has mutated cells that are potentially, if not totally, cancerous inside their bodies.  However, for otherwise healthy people, their immune system (or other natural mechanisms) are eliminating these cells long before they can take "hold".  But in the case of those of us who had or have a primary tumor (the cancer did take hold) the odds become commensurately increased that there now may be metastases in our future.

So I say that anyone who lets down their guard in these circumstances is making a mistake.  And that applies no matter how small or large the primary tumor was when it was removed or first treated.

None of the above addresses the very real fact that we all face up and downs in this tough journey. It's unreasonable to expect that everyday will be an "up" day.

My inserted comment was all in good spirit, and because I knew you would comment on the MCC. And because youre right about it :-)

/G