Not the Day or the Way I Wanted to Mark 9-Years:(
Comments
-
Dear CraigSundanceh said:Hi Marie
I was born under a bad sign:)
I'm a Cancer with Cancer....luv3jay and I used to joke about that one:)
Thank you once again for your kind words and I don't know why I feel so badly about this at the moment....
Well, yeah I do....
I'm thinking about how hard I will have to climb another hill - just as I was hoping to finally climb out of Life's Hole. It seems that I'm climbing uphill in a rain storm....and just as soon I try and reach over the top and try to pull myself up.....back down the hill I roll...
I'm probably putting the cart before the horse....I have been hurting alot the past six-months but have not said anything - was waiting on regular scan cycle to reveal or not.
I'm feelng a mix of emotions right now....and was feeling great this morning before his phone call.....I had a nice post written for this occasion about 2-weeks ago, just sitting for June 9th....which also marked my 4-years with this board.
The Specter of Cancer has temporarily removed the colors from my sight - red looks grey and yellow white - and I'm left to decide which is right - or which is an illusion...
I thought I would get more than a couple of days out of that last post...and somehow, I just never figured he'd call.....thought CEA might 'barely' be going up, but not that kind of rise....it just doesn't sound good. I can't see if it would be inflammation or an infection....
I'm not scared....just get that feeling that you already 'know'....and how much work and good fortune that would take out of me - just to (maybe) get me back to where I'm writing you from right now. And that's the damnation of it all for me if that turns out to be true again. Thank you for your reassuring hug!
This morning, I thought I knew what Survivorship meant....
Now, that definition has potentially been redefined....and my meaning now feels lost...
It's like a lightswitch.....I was happy about the article and working happily towards getting the editor the stuff she needed.....I was planning on writing Jen/Chels the post they requested and it was gonna' be good too....they asked me how did I cope with cancer for this long?
Just the threat of 'rain' has dampened my enthusiasm, where before I was ready to come out of the gates blastin' away with good stuff.
I guess I'm just going back through the Acknowledgement Phase of Possible Recurrence again today....and I'm just fleshing out my feelings by talking with each of you today.....it's a good thing as I can't concentrate too much today....
Tomorrow will be better...and next week, we'll know something one way or the other...
My mind is drifting now....I was going to tell Jen/Chels how I was just starting to see a (maybe) life after cancer....and I was starting to feel some hope.....we've been working on our place since wrapping dad to trying to get our lives right - I finally got some good news with the article acceptance....
And the big thing I was going to tell them is my shift in attitude from the 1st Chapter of the book I wrote about 2-years ago now...my thoughts had finally started to drift away from that and was moving in another direction.....I was excited to talk with them about that. Excited to talk with LindaK about some relationship stuff too.
Now, I'm thinking about when I would have to leave work again - would I make it back this next time - would we able to hold the line during this fight - would surgery be an option - etc. etc.
Right now, though I just feel a little bit empty...
I talk about Empowerment and not letting cancer dictate our actions...but it does, doesn't it?
Certainly, at times it sure does...
And all it takes is a phone call or a bad scan to change our whole point of reference....and that's what I can't stand about cancer. Some days, it makes you want to fight - and other days, it wants to make you roll up like a pill bug.
Thanks for letting me get some of these early feelings out of the way....
If Chicky were here, she'd say that her lion had a thorn in his paw:)
Ok, I smiled....see?
I'll be alright, just frustrated at what I might have to face again...
Cancer plays hell with our minds and emotions, that is for sure. It keeps us from having that bright future which we all yearn for.
I just had a tough talk with my folks (both in mid-80's) about my sister's cancer situation. Her doc sees her treatments as only giving her more time...there is no cure in her future without a miracle. He has put her on a chemo holiday for the next 3 months to give her some quality of life. I will be trying to arrange a one-on-one talk with her doc to see what to expect as time goes by.
For those who have had a period of NEDness, the thought of a recurrance is always there, but of course you are well aware of this.
You speak of reaching for the top of the mountain, but never quite getting there. I guess I look at our situations a little differently. I think you are looking to get to the top of Mt. Everest, while I see goals and successes as reaching the top of Old Rag in the Blue Ridge Mts. While significantly lower, Old Rag presents its own challenges and gives that exhiliration of success when you reach the top. I don't expect either my sister or I to out live the cancer threat, but I sure as heck will continue to climb that smaller mountain because those successes make every day more precious.
Life is frought with pitfalls, woes and crisis. We just have to do our best with whatever we are handed. Know that the things you do have a significant and long lasting impact on others.
Remember, you do not face your future alone. We here may not be related by blood, but we have a bond that cannot be broken.
Hugs and love,
Marie who loves kitties
0 -
Dang it
Well dang, dang dang dang.
I know that the increase in the CEA is worrisome and I would be worried too. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers that whatever it is you learn, you take it all in, and then, resolutely, move forward with whatever plan of action is required. Was it Winston Churchill that said, "When you're going through hell, just keep going?"
Thinking of you and Kim,
Amy
0 -
Hi Phil...PhillieG said:Gregg
Are you going to catch me or what!?!? Stop this nonsense and kick cancer's A$$ please?
Hang in there Buddy...sending positive thoughts and all that stuff...
~Harry Potty-MouthIn the post, I had planned to release, I was going to say that I would always be "4-months & Change" behind you....
But, that was a good thing for me, because it represented two things to me...
1. My boy Phil is still makin' it...
2. And staying in your rear-view mirror, means I was too....
And it's a case where finishing at #2 would always be alright with me:)
I'm turned sideways today, because of the timing of it all....not so much the threat...
I've expected cancer to return all along - and have truly wondered why it has taken so long...
I don't know...finally, getting the approval for the article.....and then having to switch gears on my anniversary date of my 9-years....+ being up 4-years on the same day....well, it just flat-out fkd with me. The threat of cancer just crashed both of my parties.
I'm sure I'll be pi$$ed in very short order....and then I can get onto business...
He's a sneaky one, this Cancer is.....
Glad to see you on my 9th year....your presence here today helps me by seeing you and reminding me of how truly special it is - and how very hard it also is - to make it 9-years with a cancer diagnosis...
Anyway, thanks man for your support!
0 -
It's such a vulnerable world
It's such a vulnerable world we all live in. The expression on the doctors face, the nurses choice of words during a phone call. Trouble seems to be always lurking around each corner. We can never completely let our guard down. Just spotting a missed call from the doctors office can cause a weekend of stress and anxiety. We just never know when someone will turn our world upside down. I am sorry this has happened to you on a day where you should be celebrating. You've had a lot of highs and lows throughout this past week.
I hope I am wrong but I do think it's likely a recurrence. Based on what you described, it seems like your onc is concerned. This in itself raises a red flag. 9.2 is not very high. I think it's indicative that something is brewing, but I think it's going to prove to be small and manageable. Anyone with a stage four diagnosis is going to spend the rest of their life chasing cancer. You and your onc have chased it down early. I really believe you will be able to nip it quickly and move on to your next period of remission.
I am so sorry (and really angry) that you have all this on your mind during what should be such a happy time. It really ticks me off. Steve and I will be thinking of you.
Chels0 -
Hi Jen:)jen2012 said:Grrrr! I hate that you get
Grrrr! I hate that you get knocked down from the high. Please try to stay positive and know that we are all here pulling for you. I hope it's nothing to worry about.
Yes - take your wife for a nice dinner and celebrate!
That was fun, wasn't it?
Talk about a buzzkill...
Oh well, it just doesn't change what we just accomplished, so I'll try and hold on to that, but it doesn't feel as good as it did a couple of days ago.....
I hope it is nothing as well, but some of the bloodwork is suspect and I've just got to wait a week and get the tests done....the answer is already written....and I can't change that no matter what.
Ha ha about dinner! She's working the late shift tonight....last I talked to her, she was sobbing trying to hide it and then finally breaking down. I told her not to worry and let her off the hook, so she could go onto work. I said it might be ok, but I don't know who I was trying to convice - her or me. I'll be in bed before she gets in. There won't be any need to hash any of his out....
Besides, I don't think she'll feel like celebrating anything right about now - I sure don't.
But, that's why they make Tomorrow...
Thank you, Jen:)
0 -
Thank you MO!marbleotis said:9 years is a reason to celebrate!
Craig,
I know it is very hard not to over-analyze every tiny thing right now. Please just take a breath, get the tests and make decisions from there. You are a great source of strength for others, now it is our turn to be a source for you.
Our minds can be the enemy while we wait for these tests.
Do not let this cancer take anything else from you. Please keep us posted.
Remember to exhale!
Love to you and your family
"Our minds can be the enemy while we wait for these tests."
Yes indeed....no truer words spoken...and that's what's happening today....my mind is working against me today as you say. And for the first time, in a long time, the waiting is playing a role. I guess I just need to know, so I can move my mind accordingly.
I'll try and remember what you said - which sounds like something I would say to someone here...
I just need to work through the process.
What this tells us is that no matter where you find yourself in the fight - or how many years you are involved, the core roots of trepidation are never too far away from our imaginations.
Thank you for your post and hopefully by tomorrow, I'll have slept this hangover off:)
Love/Craig
0 -
G'day mate
Nine years Craig. Congratulations on the fight you have put up ,commiserations for what it has cost you and your body. You know my catch cry' surviving survival ain't easy'. The prospect of another fight if you had a fit healthy body would be fine. But it is not is it, any wonder you are feeling down. I know what it feels like when you know that a flu or some minor illness can take you out. All the best mate, you can only hope the scans show something really simple to fix. You have done it all with out any luck. About time the cards fell your way for once , Hugs Ron.0 -
Dearest Chels:)Chelsea71 said:It's such a vulnerable world
It's such a vulnerable world we all live in. The expression on the doctors face, the nurses choice of words during a phone call. Trouble seems to be always lurking around each corner. We can never completely let our guard down. Just spotting a missed call from the doctors office can cause a weekend of stress and anxiety. We just never know when someone will turn our world upside down. I am sorry this has happened to you on a day where you should be celebrating. You've had a lot of highs and lows throughout this past week.
I hope I am wrong but I do think it's likely a recurrence. Based on what you described, it seems like your onc is concerned. This in itself raises a red flag. 9.2 is not very high. I think it's indicative that something is brewing, but I think it's going to prove to be small and manageable. Anyone with a stage four diagnosis is going to spend the rest of their life chasing cancer. You and your onc have chased it down early. I really believe you will be able to nip it quickly and move on to your next period of remission.
I am so sorry (and really angry) that you have all this on your mind during what should be such a happy time. It really ticks me off. Steve and I will be thinking of you.
ChelsI am so sorry (and really angry) that you have all this on your mind during what should be such a happy time. It really ticks me off. Steve and I will be thinking of you.
I believe that this is root of the issue right now on how I'm feeling.....what you said (highlighted)...
And if I'm being even more honest with you....#4 would confirm the belief that I've held for such a long time...that Recurrence will play a role for me until it finally takes my life. I had so much hoped to break free of its grips - and to instill hope that some of us do walk away.....but I guess, I'm not the answer.
And yes, I believe it is another recurrence as well...while 9.2 is not off the chart, it's a sharp rise and this time, it looks like the number is relevant. Like you said, perhaps something brewing...I can't take the chemical route for too long, so if it is something, then I hope that surgical intervention is an option - as this would extend my time a little bit further.
And yeah, he's concerned and I did pick up on it, but foolishly dismissed it...guess I didn't want my party spoiled:)
He was all business when he called....he's only called me twice (4-years), so as soon as I heard his message and thought back to what he said - I checked my CEA level and knew what he wanted....and then it was just a punch in the stomach kind of feeling.
But, as you say, it's good that he is concerned and making changes....he held my feet to the fire pretty good last time, so I know he means well and is concerned about me. I always enjoy any banter time that we get where I get to play "Dr." and discuss my theories with him...but he always has listened to what I had to say and treated me with respect with regards to the topics we discuss.
I hope you're right - I hope it is manageable...maybe it won't be that bad....it's always worse in our minds, isn't it?
Well, sometimes, LOL!
0 -
"When you're going through hell, just keep going?"mom_2_3 said:Dang it
Well dang, dang dang dang.
I know that the increase in the CEA is worrisome and I would be worried too. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers that whatever it is you learn, you take it all in, and then, resolutely, move forward with whatever plan of action is required. Was it Winston Churchill that said, "When you're going through hell, just keep going?"
Thinking of you and Kim,
Amy
Hi Amy,
I thought that was KIMBY:)
She changed it and said, when you're going through Hell- put your foot on the gas:)
Thank you!
0 -
Thanks Ron!ron50 said:G'day mate
Nine years Craig. Congratulations on the fight you have put up ,commiserations for what it has cost you and your body. You know my catch cry' surviving survival ain't easy'. The prospect of another fight if you had a fit healthy body would be fine. But it is not is it, any wonder you are feeling down. I know what it feels like when you know that a flu or some minor illness can take you out. All the best mate, you can only hope the scans show something really simple to fix. You have done it all with out any luck. About time the cards fell your way for once , Hugs Ron.It has taken me a full 2-years to get back to where I'm at from my last fight....so I know what you're saying.
I am about as far recovered as I could be I suppose...I'm just wondering if cancer will finally retire me now?
Thanks for your continued support!
0 -
Ok Craig..Sundanceh said:Hi Marie
I was born under a bad sign:)
I'm a Cancer with Cancer....luv3jay and I used to joke about that one:)
Thank you once again for your kind words and I don't know why I feel so badly about this at the moment....
Well, yeah I do....
I'm thinking about how hard I will have to climb another hill - just as I was hoping to finally climb out of Life's Hole. It seems that I'm climbing uphill in a rain storm....and just as soon I try and reach over the top and try to pull myself up.....back down the hill I roll...
I'm probably putting the cart before the horse....I have been hurting alot the past six-months but have not said anything - was waiting on regular scan cycle to reveal or not.
I'm feelng a mix of emotions right now....and was feeling great this morning before his phone call.....I had a nice post written for this occasion about 2-weeks ago, just sitting for June 9th....which also marked my 4-years with this board.
The Specter of Cancer has temporarily removed the colors from my sight - red looks grey and yellow white - and I'm left to decide which is right - or which is an illusion...
I thought I would get more than a couple of days out of that last post...and somehow, I just never figured he'd call.....thought CEA might 'barely' be going up, but not that kind of rise....it just doesn't sound good. I can't see if it would be inflammation or an infection....
I'm not scared....just get that feeling that you already 'know'....and how much work and good fortune that would take out of me - just to (maybe) get me back to where I'm writing you from right now. And that's the damnation of it all for me if that turns out to be true again. Thank you for your reassuring hug!
This morning, I thought I knew what Survivorship meant....
Now, that definition has potentially been redefined....and my meaning now feels lost...
It's like a lightswitch.....I was happy about the article and working happily towards getting the editor the stuff she needed.....I was planning on writing Jen/Chels the post they requested and it was gonna' be good too....they asked me how did I cope with cancer for this long?
Just the threat of 'rain' has dampened my enthusiasm, where before I was ready to come out of the gates blastin' away with good stuff.
I guess I'm just going back through the Acknowledgement Phase of Possible Recurrence again today....and I'm just fleshing out my feelings by talking with each of you today.....it's a good thing as I can't concentrate too much today....
Tomorrow will be better...and next week, we'll know something one way or the other...
My mind is drifting now....I was going to tell Jen/Chels how I was just starting to see a (maybe) life after cancer....and I was starting to feel some hope.....we've been working on our place since wrapping dad to trying to get our lives right - I finally got some good news with the article acceptance....
And the big thing I was going to tell them is my shift in attitude from the 1st Chapter of the book I wrote about 2-years ago now...my thoughts had finally started to drift away from that and was moving in another direction.....I was excited to talk with them about that. Excited to talk with LindaK about some relationship stuff too.
Now, I'm thinking about when I would have to leave work again - would I make it back this next time - would we able to hold the line during this fight - would surgery be an option - etc. etc.
Right now, though I just feel a little bit empty...
I talk about Empowerment and not letting cancer dictate our actions...but it does, doesn't it?
Certainly, at times it sure does...
And all it takes is a phone call or a bad scan to change our whole point of reference....and that's what I can't stand about cancer. Some days, it makes you want to fight - and other days, it wants to make you roll up like a pill bug.
Thanks for letting me get some of these early feelings out of the way....
If Chicky were here, she'd say that her lion had a thorn in his paw:)
Ok, I smiled....see?
I'll be alright, just frustrated at what I might have to face again...
I'm still absorbing the info in your post...with sad eyes and heart. I so want to "mother" you and say that everything will be ok.... Of course we have grown up lately knowing there are no words that really sooth or heal. But I WILL say that I have great faith that if anyone can climb "one more hill" It is you. I do not know your faith BUT I DO know mine so will be sending prayers for you out into the universe...
i love the Lion... I am Leo born on the cusp of Cancer and Leo... God Bless
0 -
My "Second Son"Sundanceh said:Thanks Ron!
It has taken me a full 2-years to get back to where I'm at from my last fight....so I know what you're saying.
I am about as far recovered as I could be I suppose...I'm just wondering if cancer will finally retire me now?
Thanks for your continued support!
Just got home from my appt. at the SS office & saw your post. This is NOT what I wanted to see. Although you are fighting the odds again, remember "It's not cancer till they say it's cancer".
I know how hard it is to not let this throw a blight on your 9 year celebration, but as the lion has returned, I know you will take whatever comes in stride. That's just the way you are. We are all here to lift your spirits when need be. Hope is not extinguished. It is merely taking a well deserved rest and will be by your side once again.
I understand the highs and lows all too well. For many years, I have been afraid to do anything that might cause enjoyment in my life, for I knew that some disaster would always follow. I suppose that's just the cycle of life for some. I have probably missed out on a lot of fun things, but, you know what, disaster came anyway. So don't be afraid to celebrate your 9 years or your accomplishments. At least, you will have those "good" memories.
Luv,
"Mama" Wolfen
0 -
Happy Anniversary
Celebrete the 9 years you got
Happy Anniversary on your 9th Year .. Excited for you .. Keep up that fight!Tina
0 -
0 -
Sorry
Just can't express how badly I'm feeling that you got this bad news today and now what lies ahead for you. Rest assured that you are very much cared for on this board and we are all pulling for you. I'm hoping that it is something that they can nip in the bud fast so you can get back to being "you." I'm sure you will continue to fight as hard as you did previously and come out a winner once again.
Kim
0 -
Well don't that bite big time
I'm just so ticked off right now that it dared to invade you once again, that I can't see straight.
Well brother from another mother, your just going to have to put those Big Billy spurs on, saddle up and kick cancers @ss once again.
Yep, it ain't fun, it ain't right, and d@mn I know we get tired of it daring to show up again on us. But you'll do it.
I'm hoping for an isolated area that can be cut out. I know you're feeling let down and deflated, but you can handle it, you're my buddy, someone I've got a ton of faith in. I look forward to my nine years someday and beyond, you and Phil are busy paving the way for us.
Love and hugs,
Winter Marie
0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.8K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 446 Bladder Cancer
- 309 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.5K Breast Cancer
- 397 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 13K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.4K Kidney Cancer
- 671 Leukemia
- 792 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 237 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 61 Pancreatic Cancer
- 487 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.5K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 539 Sarcoma
- 730 Skin Cancer
- 653 Stomach Cancer
- 191 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.8K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards