Not the Day or the Way I Wanted to Mark 9-Years:(

Now these guys are really making me think....

I just a call from the gal who just wanted me on the phone (for the other gal who was trying to set up my scans...)

Normally, everything is just scheduled and released through MyChart......not this time though.

The head nurse I always took and that takes pretty good care of my scheduling issues and whatnot, sounded kind of down when talking to me....talking in low and hushed tones.  I know this is from talking to her Friday, when I was so up and bubbly and making everyone laugh etc.

Then the other shoe drops (maybe) and it's a complete....180....she said 'bummer.' 

Anyway, I'm surprised about the personalized care...they are taking it seriously...and that makes me feel funny somehow.  Like they already know something I don't...

Trying to focus up here at work.....but just having a difficult time with it today....wife is crying, because she's a 9th year caregiver and is probably thinking Oh No, not again.

Just told her no worries....

They are going to MRI the liver (suspicious area) for abdomen / pelvis......and then CT the chest...both with contrast.  It will be a full day with consult two days after scans. 

I guess we'll know then....

Semira said:

Oh my...

Oh my dear Craig,

what a storm instead of a sunny calm afternoon. I understand all your thoughts and worries and have no really advice to offer, just a warm hug from far away. Hope for fast results and may them be as good as possible.

It is what it is (or better will be what it will be) and you will face it in your special Lion style (miss that picture btw)

Thinking of you!

Petra, Cologne, Germay

The Lion Roars...

tachilders said:

9 years is a gift that many

9 years is a gift that many don't get with this disease, so celebrate it!!!  Best of luck with your tests, and we all hope it is not a recurrence.

I've gotten a couple more than I should have been given...though it wasn't handed to me...

Friday, I was talking with my onc and I was bringing up 9-years and 2 years of it finally continuously remissive...and what it all meant?

He looked away and wistfully replied.....the 9-years.

And this morning, I understood that a little bit better than I did three days ago when I last saw him.

It's a lifetime in the colorectal world, which was why I had decided to originally post (lots of new folks here).

Thanks for your post and will hope right along with you that this is erroneous.  Hope all is still going well with you too.  Best of luck with the results you've been waiting on as well. 

Lovekitties said:

Dear Craig

I know that the CEA is worrisome, but please don't let it overshadow your success in getting your article accepted.  That was such a big WIN for you and all of us who live vicariously thru your writings.

Unfortunately some of us seem destined to face challenge after challenge in our life.  That you have survived 9 years and are getting published are a great testament to your strenght and courage.  Without the trials and tribulations you would not have found your VOICE again, nor your alter ego.

You know the drill...don't over anticipate bad news...take it day by day ... put one foot in front of the other.

You have a darn big family around the world who are here to support you no matter what.

When you need a hug, justs wrap up in that big star and feel the love.

Hugs and love,

Marie who loves kitties

 

 

I was born under a bad sign:)

I'm a Cancer with Cancer....luv3jay and I used to joke about that one:)

Thank you once again for your kind words and I don't know why I feel so badly about this at the moment....

Well, yeah I do....

I'm thinking about how hard I will have to climb another hill - just as I was hoping to finally climb out of Life's Hole.  It seems that I'm climbing uphill in a rain storm....and just as soon I try and reach over the top and try to pull myself up.....back down the hill I roll...

I'm probably putting the cart before the horse....I have been hurting alot the past six-months but have not said anything - was waiting on regular scan cycle to reveal or not.

I'm feelng a mix of emotions right now....and was feeling great this morning before his phone call.....I had a nice post written for this occasion about 2-weeks ago, just sitting for June 9th....which also marked my 4-years with this board. 

The Specter of Cancer has temporarily removed the colors from my sight - red looks grey and yellow white - and I'm left to decide which is right - or which is an illusion...

I thought I would get more than a couple of days out of that last post...and somehow, I just never figured he'd call.....thought CEA might 'barely' be going up, but not that kind of rise....it just doesn't sound good.  I can't see if it would be inflammation or an infection....

I'm not scared....just get that feeling that you already 'know'....and how much work and good fortune that would take out of me - just to (maybe) get me back to where I'm writing you from right now.  And that's the damnation of it all for me if that turns out to be true again.  Thank you for your reassuring hug!

This morning, I thought I knew what Survivorship meant....

Now, that definition has potentially been redefined....and my meaning now feels lost...

It's like a lightswitch.....I was happy about the article and working happily towards getting the editor the stuff she needed.....I was planning on writing Jen/Chels the post they requested and it was gonna' be good too....they asked me how did I cope with cancer for this long?

Just the threat of 'rain' has dampened my enthusiasm, where before I was ready to come out of the gates blastin' away with good stuff.

I guess I'm just going back through the Acknowledgement Phase of Possible Recurrence again today....and I'm just fleshing out my feelings by talking with each of you today.....it's a good thing as I can't concentrate too much today....

Tomorrow will be better...and next week, we'll know something one way or the other...

My mind is drifting now....I was going to tell Jen/Chels how I was just starting to see a (maybe) life after cancer....and I was starting to feel some hope.....we've been working on our place since wrapping dad to trying to get our lives right - I finally got some good news with the article acceptance....

And the big thing I was going to tell them is my shift in attitude from the 1st Chapter of the book I wrote about 2-years ago now...my thoughts had finally started to drift away from that and was moving in another direction.....I was excited to talk with them about that.  Excited to talk with LindaK about some relationship stuff too.

Now, I'm thinking about when I would have to leave work again - would I make it back this next time - would we able to hold the line during this fight - would surgery be an option - etc. etc.

Right now, though I just feel a little bit empty...

I talk about Empowerment and not letting cancer dictate our actions...but it does, doesn't it?

Certainly, at times it sure does... 

And all it takes is a phone call or a bad scan to change our whole point of reference....and that's what I can't stand about cancer.  Some days, it makes you want to fight - and other days, it wants to make you roll up like a pill bug.

Thanks for letting me get some of these early feelings out of the way....

If Chicky were here, she'd say that her lion had a thorn in his paw:)

Ok, I smiled....see?

I'll be alright, just frustrated at what I might have to face again...